Extreme Beach Chess
“She's a PAWN star! She's in position to MATE, eh? I wouldn't say no to a KNIGHT with her! She can bash my BISHOP any time! Er... what else... I am totally CASTLING in my pants right now!”
Extreme Beach Chess is an alternative sport combining elements of logic, mental prowess, and computational models with the enjoyability of watching barely clothed girls frolicking on a beach for no particular reason.
Recently, it has become the basis for a number of video games, as well as several spin-off sports such as "Extreme Beach Solitaire"and "Xtreme Beech Speling Beez."
These include, but are not limited to, tit-slapping, booty-bouncing and muff-kneeing.
An Extreme Beach Chess team usually consists of 19 members, one to play chess, and 18 to watch, cheer, bounce up and down excitedly, and occasionally get in Extreme Beach Wrestling matches.
When Extreme Beach Chess matches are shown on TV, the cameraman often spends the entire time zooming in on the bathing suits of various team members rather than filming the actual game.
It should be noted that the sport was pioneering in the development of super slow-motion film technology.
Rules of Gameplay:
- Kings can move one space at a time, and white kings feature in 99% of promotional shots.
- Queens, bishops, castles and pawns are made to look as phallic as possible.
- Horseplay with knights is actively encouraged.
- On the first move, pawns can move one space, but the sluttier girls always go for two.
In reality, very few of the players actually know how to play chess, they simply move the pieces randomly around the board until one of them decides to yell, "Checkmate!"
At this point, they are immediately given a trophy and sprayed liberally with champagne. In stark contrast to the oversized chess pieces used in gameplay, the trophies are much much smaller, and must be picked up off of the ground, ensuring a good cleavage shot. The winning team's members are then required to giggle and hug each other for at least 20 minutes.
Soon after its inception, Extreme Beach Chess became popular throughout the United States, played everywhere from the coast of California to central Idaho, although how they played a beach sport in a state without beaches remains unknown.
The Extreme Beach Chess World Championship (EBCWC) has been held annually in Hawaii for over forty years. Current world champion is US Communist Bobbi Fischer (32C), whose game is characterized by unconventional defensive moves and the strong scent of baby oil and lavender.
The sport has gained considerable popularity other countries as well, and has become the national sport of Ecuador, Ibiza and Guam. Landlocked countries — such as Russia, Armenia and Azerbaijan — have been disappointingly slow to embrace the sport, with the notable exception of former Russian world champion Carrie Kasparov (34D).
The game's position as a world sport is regularly a hot topic of conversation, although this may be just an attempt by sleazy journalists to crowbar the word "position" into interviews with the girls.
In 1997, IBM unveiled an extremely busty computer, Deep Boobs, which it said could beat any human at Extreme Beach Chess. Deep Boobs boasted 38E falsies, the fastest processors in the world at the time, and three available slots for external hard drives. You know what I'm talking about.
Kasparov, who has little to no working knowledge of the rules of chess, was initially bewildered by the match-up, but realized in time that she had to, in her own words, "bring the extreme beach element" to proceedings, and the last three games were fought on much sexier, sandier terms.
Kasparov stated afterward: "While it is possible for a computer to make split-second calculations that are beyond a human, I doubt they will ever be able to design one to match us for abstract thought, creativity, and, more importantly, sand tolerance and foxy boxing skills."
John Madden, announcing the game, reflected: "IBM thought that an Extreme Beach Chess player was just a regular chess player with boobs. Today that was proved wrong - it's also about oily catfights."
The Streaking Problem
Extreme Beach Chess tournaments encourage streaking among both participants and viewers, an issue that many parents have issued complaints about.
Unlike most other sports, instead of running across the board naked, Extreme Beach Chess streakers are fully clothed and often in ridiculous costumes, which tends to shock and anger game spectators.
In 1997 one man ran across the board wearing a football uniform, was subsequently arrested and given a large fine for his conduct. "I brought my family here to see half-naked women in bikinis!!" screamed one traumatized father after the incident, "Not to see people wearing...clothes! We can see that shit everyday!"
The following year, at the EBC Whirled Cups, a female streaker obstructed gameplay wearing an obscenely long Victorian-style dress, leaving practically everything to the imagination. She was quickly subdued by two large hunky police officers who immediately stripped her down to maintain the legal statute of the tournament.
Perhaps the most famous streaking incident occurred during half-time performance at the 2001 one Extreme Beach Chess championship, where Justin Timberlake inadvertently covered Janet Jackson's nipple during a dance routine.
Accused of staging the incident for publicity, MTV blamed it on a "wardrobe malfunction," and was fined by the US government for "Conduct Unbecoming a Reputable Sports Broadcast Network."
Inspired by the growing popularity of the game, EA Games created a PlayStation game based on Extreme Beach Chess, which they creatively titled Extreme Beach Chess. A sequel with the equally creative title Extreme Beach Chess 2, was released the following year along with several companion games: Extreme Beach Chess: European Tour, Extreme Beach Chess [Street Edition], and Lego Extreme Beach Chess. Along with these titles, EA Games released several other "Extreme Beach" themed video games, Extreme Beach Checkers, Extreme Beach Backgammon, and the award-winning, Extreme Beach Whack-a-mole.
In the "Extreme Beach" video game genre, the players are highly customizable and their physical features are completely unhindered by inconveniences such as the laws of physics. Players can enhance their characters' cup sizes up to 20 feet in diameter in order to maximize their chances of winning.
Extreme Beach Chess '03, the PS2 game became the center of major controversy for the gaming industry when it was released in April of 2003. GamePro Magazine alleged there was a "nude cheat" that removed the clothing on the girls in the game. As it turned out, the cheat actually did the opposite, and displayed the characters as fully clothed in traditional, national garb. The cheat was traced back to Muslim fundamentalists, who were arrested for "Perverting the Sanctity of a National Pastime" and convicted for treason.
Extreme Beach "Extreme Beach Chess"
The rise of Extreme Beach Chess the video game inspired the birth of a new sport, called Extreme Beach "Extreme Beach Chess." This consists of barely clothed women sitting down on a beach with an XBox or Playstation playing the video game "Extreme Beach Chess." A video game based on this sport is slated for release, which will probably be called Extreme Beach "Extreme Beach 'Extreme Beach Chess.'"
The Future for Extreme Beach Chess
Current Extreme Beach Chess president Vince McMahon spoke recently of his desires to expand the game, "What I think we have right now is, like the equivalent to a nice pair of 34Ds, or maybe like 32Ds which are in a C-cup, and are kind of spilling out... Yeah... But what I really want is a pair of fucking 42FFs!"
He also suggested that he wanted the standard of Extreme Beach Chess to rise, increasing the difficulty of the game, "Oh yeah, I want it bigger... bigger and harder... so fucking big and hard..." he added, before losing his composure and becoming incomprehensible.
The World Extreme Beach Chess Association for Mankind (WEBCAM) launched an iPhone app in 2015, allowing users to play Extreme Beach Chess worldwide and in a casual gaming environment. Like the video games that preceded it, the app caused considerable scandal, with many customers complaining about being glued to their phones and finding obscene amounts of sand in the most unlikely places.
McMahon, however, is unrepentant, "These people need to get with the times. Thirty years ago, if you said you wanted to have a computer in your home, people thought you were crazy. In another thirty years' time, everyone will be playing Extreme Beach Chess."
"Except ugly chicks. No fat chicks, either."