~ Oscar Wilde on Moutain Hunting“Mountains arn't very fast.”
~ Captain Obvious on the speed of mountains
Mountain Hunting is a sport that dates back to 2,000 B.C. This is a sport where a group of many men hunts a mountain. This was done once when the large mountain family named the Akaishi Mountains migrated to the area. The Akaishi Mountains were a predatory tribe that consumed entire towns and left barren land. Mt. Fuji, the papa mountain, caused most of the trouble when he ate an entire city. If it wasn't for the hunt, Mt. Fuji would have hibernated for 10,000 years like a normal mountain. Instead, the mountain became so mad the life fluids exploded from him, making him a volcano.
History of the Hunt[edit | edit source]
The hunt was an act of desperation that almost destroyed the Japanese. Fortunately, the Japanese did not send all of their men to kill the mountain. Mt. Fuji was a monster of a mountain in its time and struck fear into the hearts of all the Japanese. It slowly crept closer to the Japanese villages until it was able to swallow the entire village as if it had never existed. Eventually the Japanese became sick of their civilization being swallowed completely, so they sent a strike force of 8,000 men.
The strike force was ill prepared and was obliterated into atoms against the mountain. They only lived 8 seconds into the attack, but the pain was so excruciating that it felt like a year of pain. The only way to describe the pain is if you were be electrocuted while a flaming pineapple shoved up your ass, your arm ripped out off of your body and being beaten with it, being consistently kicked in the testicles, and having your eyes gouged out to the power of a 6.02x10^23. How the mountain killed the men is unimportant because just knowing that hunting a mountain can cause pain beyond normal mortal perception will stop you from being dumb enough (not guaranteed) to not try to hunt a mountain.
Modern Day Hunting[edit | edit source]
The Modern Day Mountain Hunting is done by insane rich people that want to test their "awesomeness" by destroying a foe that could crush their very soul in 8 seconds. These people are normally never seen again after their hunt, or as some would call, an incredible suicide attempt that no one can stop. These people are already crazy enough to try anything to get themselves famous (or more famous) if it kills them, which most of the time it does.
The strategies used by the businessmen are normally to try to rope the mountain down with harpoons that are attached to a giant steel rope that they use for bridges and tie it to massive trees. If they can successfully hold the mountain down with the harpoons and steel rope, they will then try to cut into its core with some sort of powerful cutting tool. If they were to even get this far (none have), they would then use the newly made cut to bleed the mountain to death while it strained to get out from the steel ropes that keep it stuck. Unfortunately, this strategy will never work against a real mountain because they will just pull the trees out of the earth and crush its attackers. Note: This will work on small hills because they have neither the size nor strength to tear the trees out of the earth.
The Best Strategy[edit | edit source]
The best strategy to hunt mountains is to melt the ice and snow of the mountain. Then use a large drill or tank to get into the mountain. If you have a tank, then keep the mountain under fire until you can be hurt by the explosions the tank makes. If you get inside, you can then destroy the mountain from the inside with explosives or any weapon you have.
It is best to plant the explosives on a timer, so you can escape before the mountain crushes you with its just dead corpse. The other strategy that has a higher success rating is the run like hell strategy. Hey why don't youu live in the plains? There are no mountains there.
List of Useful Materials[edit | edit source]
- A few thousand meat shields with modern armor and weapons (distract for you until you can fall the mountain).
- A tank or drill.
- Explosives; preferably a hydrogen bomb, but any military grade explosives will do.
- A powerful mech-suit (so you can survive the mountain if it attacks you).
- A giant flamethrower (to thaw out the mountain from its natural defenses).
- A good pair of running shoes (in case all else fails so you can run your ass off).
- A fat friend (so if you have to run the mountain will catch him and not you).