GoatSurfing

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Goatse? (Why would you be looking for that?)

A recently Westernised sport - very popular in Eastern Tibet.

“The Goat. And his rider... have long... been... a symbol of the British People.... and not just a symbol.... But an enduring .... monument.”

~ Tony Blair on GoatSurfing

Preparation

The premise is, that you take a goat aged between 18 and 94.333 months (after this age they tend to be sticky)and you smear it in lard (or your animal based grease of choice - other such greases are available and the author does not support or condone any one type or brand).

The Lard (or animal grease of choice) tends to result in a highly lubricated goat that is prone to sliding off objects, surfaces and fixtures.

The next step is to locate a convenient hill, mountain, steeply-inclining rise, slope or other raised land mass {cliffs are unsuitable due to their abrupt nature}.

Choosing Allegiance

Once located, the summit of said land mass must be reached. There are opposing schools of thought as to how this should be best achieved:

Porcelain rendering of 16th Century GoatSurfer demonstrating the "Purist" method of reaching the summit.

• 1. The "purists" advocate that man and goat should be as one throughout the duration of the GoatSurf; and, to best obtain the "oneness", the man (or woman - I neglected to mention that women are permitted [Clause 456.3.45]) should ride his chosen goat to the summit, thus bonding with the mind of the goat.

• 2. Opponents to this view (known as The "Filthy") rightly observe that it is overly challenging to remain on a heavily larded (or animal greased of choice) goat whilst it climbs a mountain, and simply use a helicopter.

The author suggests the reader take time to decide on their favoured school...once decided, proponents of the opposing faction are likely to throw damp sponges containing their urine at you so it’s often prudent to join the larger faction, thus reducing the likelihood of urine related wetness.

Religious Context

A typical Offering that would be placed near the base of the mountain before commencing GoatSurfing. Traditionally it would make cow noises when the wind blew.

Having decided upon the preferred method of reaching the summit, it is generally traditional to offer a small prayer, or offering, to the mountain or hill... etc., requesting general longevity and continued breathing- following the subsequent activities due be imminently embarked upon. It has been widely noted by prominent (hence alive) GoatSurfers that the mountain tends to ignore such offerings - as illustrated by the prolific number of deceased GoatSurfers. This notwithstanding, traditions being traditional, should always be strictly adhered to for the sake of appearances.

The Descent

Mounting the Goat

The remaining step in this exhilarating sport is the descent. To begin, the GoatSurfer will typically attach the requisite leashharness to each of the four legs of the goat. Following this, the Surfer will then turn the goat through 180 degrees until it rests headside down. The prospective surfer must then mount the goat by climbing between its legs and firmly planting both feet on the abdomen of the goat. The leashharness should then be attached to the wrist of the surfer for the sake of safety.

Notes on Typical Descent-Related Experiences

A small hop (commonly known as a Goatie) is usually sufficient to start the goat moving, at which point the Surfer must employ his full attention, wits and any remaining faculties to the efforts and rigours of steering the inappropriately shaped craft over what is often treacherous and potentially lethal terrain.

At this stage it is common for the goat to veer uncontrollably and, due to its lubricated nature, it tends to become awkward to remain standing on. At this point the benefits of the leashharness will be reaped in full (it should be noted in passing that the leashharness, rather like the snowboard binding, has been many years in the developing and has come a long way from the early rope versions that tended to snap upon the slightest impact).

It is shortly after commencing the descent that the practitioner will appreciate the full importance of the preliminary preparations. Without sufficient lard, many a foolhardy GoatSurfer has ended up joined fatally to an inconveniently-located tree stump, caused when their goat abruptly stopped following a build-up in friction, thus resulting in a swift ejection of the surfer (who unwisely thought themselves too proficient for a leashharness) onto said stump.

The Leashharness

Note How this practitioner has made the mistake of securing the leashharness to his face rather than his wrist with disastrous consequences

The leashharness is essentially a worthless safety device that has systematically failed to prevent any potentially fatal accidents from occurring.

The original intention of the leashharness was to firmly secure the practitioner of the venerable sport of GoatSurfing to his Goat. Of course being secured to your goat when sliding down any given incline is not really any form of security at all.

Authoritative research in the field has indicated that the primary flaw regarding the leashharness as a safety device is that it relies upon the structural integrity of the Goat in order to remain functioning. The Goat, being primarily composed of water, has limited durability and thus inevitably fails long before the technologically advanced leashharness - which is mainly composed of heat-treated aluminium and composite carbon fibre.

Regardless, the progressive development of the leashharness has continued despite all statistical evidence illustrating its total lack of subjective relevance.

Post Note

Goats themselves enjoy surfing - although they tend to prefer donkey surfing.

There is little more to be said about the noble sport of GoatSurfing other than to mention that in the 357 years of its development there have only been 14.2 survivors, all of whom coincidently then died in violent clashes with shopping trolleys whilst obtaining their weekly groceries at their respective supermarkets. We mourn their loss keenly.

Notable GoatSurfers through the ages

Goats have been surfed for many years, as this drawing from, oh, at least a few months back, proves.

• Queen Victoria - Shortly before she established the Torchwood Institute.
• Adolf Hitler- Certain theorists purport that Hitler's actions at the beer-hall Putsch are directly attributable to the decision by the German government to outlaw the practice of GoatSurfing.
• Monty Burns - One of the most prolific GoatSurfers of all time, retired due to radiation sickness.
• Juan Pablo Montoya - Until he discovered cars were less likely to kill you.
• Queen Boadicea - Her famous chariot which she rode into war against the invading Roman Legions has since been identified to have, in fact, been a Goat.

See Also

GoatSurfing has been around for thousands of years - this ancient Roman coin depicts Jupiter, king of the Gawds, engaged in his favourite sport.

• Fatal
• Dead
• Not a hope in hell of surviving
• History of France
• Tibet
• Surfing
• The Resultant explosion Caused by the meeting of man and goat

E X T R E M E

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