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September 1: Christmas Shopping Season Starts

  • 13 CE - Jesus becomes the first athiest after killing God and being told that Santa isn't real.
  • 1914 - The last passenger pigeon dies in captivity in the Cincinnati Zoo. The taxi pigeon and the bus pigeon promptly file for bankruptcy.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler plays a dirty trick on Poland.
  • 1982 - Lovers of chocolate enjoy life. Chocolate related disease increases.
  • 1986 - Santa has a gift for you in his pocket...
  • 1989 - Wendy's begins to serve fairies to the masses. They are quickly determined "too salty" and discontinued.
  • 1990 - The single lightbulb inside of the Grease Hut begins to flicker periodically. This the extent of the restaurant's Christmas decorations.
  • 1992 - The first NFL game of a new era: The England Patriots at the The Dubai Colts (Attendance: 111,223). Emperor George Bush Sr. is angered that all the American sports teams (not basketball) left America for Bill Clinton's Eurasia.
  • 1994 - The United Nations pass a resolution to prevent the Christmas shopping season from starting prior to the 1st of September. Retailers declare war on UN.
  • 1995 - You killed a monkey at the zoo with poisoned bananas then you laughed uncontrollably. How dare you.
  • 1995 - A midget was stolen from the North Pole and raised as an Australian.
  • 1996 - Gobber the mathemagician convinces millions that 2+2 does actually equal five.
  • 2003 - Bill Gates buys the Andromeda galaxy for his wife and Alpha Centauri for his son.
  • 2004 - It is proven that penguins are the smartest creatures in the universe, but the paperwork proving this was used to mop up some spilt coffee and they couldn't be bothered to print it out again.
  • 2007 - Halls are decked early this year to the dismay of masons everywhere.

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09/02/2004 --- 10:33:14 PM - - - - - I no love you no more!.

September 2: Me Love You Long Time Day

  • 2004 10:32 PM GMT -- Me start to love you.
  • 2004 10:33 PM GMT -- Me stop lovin' you.
  • 2004 10:34 PM GMT -- Me say, "OK, maybe I no love long time after all."
  • 2005 10:35 AM GMT -- Me say, "I never really loved you to begin with."

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September 3: International Festival of Frowning at Cows (Saskatchewan)

  • 447 B.C. - The word “fabulous” is invented by Plato.
  • 1189 - Richard the Lionhearted is crowned King of England at Westminster, followed by a successful reign consisting chiefly of lazing in the sun and ridding the British Isles of zebras.
  • 1783 - The American Revolutionary War comes to an end with the Treaty of Paris. While America wins, it concedes that Britain is still better than France.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler embarks on his global tour, performing to a sold-out crowd in Warsaw.
  • 1945 - Spoons were acquired by the known company, Tupperware.
  • 1974 - William Shatner discovers the world's largest known deposits of tiberium in his back garden.
  • 1971 - The day my Daddy died.
  • 2005 - Bob sits down for dinner, frowns at his overcooked steak.

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September 4: Unnecessary Surgery Day

  • 30 - The Original Artists release album "20/20: The 20 Greatest hits from the 20's"
  • 1427 - Katie Price formed by sending an electric current through plastic. Generally seen to be a lousy idea.
  • 2003 - Al Gore has an aditional nose surgically attatched to his back, thus letting him smell his own farts.
  • 1834 - Vlad Drakul cancels newspaper subscription.
  • 1933 or 1934 - Eduard Khil was born. Let the trolling begin!
  • 1952 - Colonel Potter tries to take out Lt. Radar O'Riley's appendix, only to discover after making an incision that it's already out.
  • 1954 - In the only such instance in recorded history, your mom lost weight.
  • 1971 - Elvis gets a paper cut.
  • 1972 - Elvis gets a paper clip.
  • 1975 - A distant relative of a famous musician accidentally stumbles in front of an oncoming taxi cab, but the car stops, and he survives.
  • 1980 - John Denver hits the snooze button.
  • 1983 - Michael Jackson nearly dies of food poisoning after eating 12-year-old nuts.
  • 1984 - Pop star Prince has a second penis surgically attached. Millions think he's a gimp. Millions more just think it is so he can go and fuck himself. A recent internet video proves this.
  • 1985 - Cary Grant finds his bedside table has a small crack on one of the legs.
  • 1994 - An Ace Of Base song is released. The subsequent decontamination process takes 15 years to complete.
  • 1996 - Pop star Prince (or whatever the fuck he's called now) has a third penis surgically attached.
  • 1997 - Prince succesfully sues his surgeon for giving him the penis of an impotent man, claiming it has given his other two penises "performance anxiety". Nobody knows what the fuck he's talking about. Again.
  • 2005 - Steve Irwin kills a stingray in a boating accident while 5 times over the drink drive limit.
  • 2006 - Steve Irwin is murdered by a stingray. Police say it was an accident and the stingray isn't charged.
  • 2050 - Australians finally stop referring to Steve Irwin as a great bloke/battler/fighter/true Aussie and generally agree he was a bit stupid.

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September 5: National Dance the Funky Chicken Day (Moldova)

  • 1698 - In an effort to move his people away from archaic customs, Tsar Peter I of Russia imposes a tax on women and children with beards.
  • 1836 - Sam Houston's version of the Funky Chicken is chosen as the official dance of the Republic of Texas.
  • 1969 - Foghorn Leghorn takes some LSD.
  • 1983 - King Kong's daughter, Stella Kovalski McKong is born. Stella quickly learns the chicken dance from chickens at a local farm.
  • 1984 - Prime Minister Bakka-Lakka Da'kka declares the People's Republic of Jerkmenistan free from Morongolian rule.
  • 1985 - Chickens go to a local disco dance party and gain popularity with their chicken dance.
  • 1992 - Vacationing group of retirees attacked by flock of angry chickens while dancing the Macarena.
  • 2006 - First Annual International Day to talk like a '80s metal singer. Millions attempting to imitate Ozzy Osbourne are instantly shot. Twice.
  • 2007 - In a bid to improve the aerodynamic characteristics of his body, Asafa Powell amputates his nipples.

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I blue lemonade.jpg

September 6: Let's Enjoy A Glass Of Blue Lemonade Day

  • 394 - The Christian Roman Emperor Theodosius I defeats and kills the pagan usurper Eugenius at the Battle of the Frigidaire for drinking all of his Blue Lemonade.
  • 1939 - South Africa declares war against Germany as an excuse to send all of their black people away.
  • 1976 - The lemon becomes extinct.
  • 1978 - Blue Lemonade becomes popular.
  • 1982 - Blue Lemonade found to cause cancer
  • 1983 - The government apologises for the cancer scare, saying that Blue Lemonade does, in actual fact, cause tuburculosis, and not cancer.
  • 1999 - Study attributes large penis size in black men to intake of Blue Lemonade. Blue lemonade sales increase 300%.
  • 2000 - Study determined to be only a sales tactic as black men only consume orange drink.
  • 2002 - Monsanto claims intellectual propierty over Blue Lemonade. Third world Blue Lemonade producers are taken out of business.
  • 2004 - Philip Seymour Hoffman becomes the first known human being to pee Blue Lemonade.
  • 2006 - The Infamous Flying Horse, Pegasus is arrested and brought to jail on counts of theft and arsony of Blue Lemonade.
  • 9785 - Blue lemonade allies with the Pope to destroy the universe. Earth catches fire. Someone sends this message into the past, in the form of an insane baby. No-one listens.

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I'm gonna' hit that shit all day long, son!

September 7: Electric Bong Day (Poland), Invade Stuff Just for the Hell of It Day (Germany.....and Britain and America and Spain and Japan)

  • 10,000 B.C. - Armed with sticks, rocks, and clods of dirt, first primitive Germanic people invade France. 15 minutes later, the white flag is invented.
  • 355 - Claudius Silvanus, Roman usurper, dies. No more usurping from that guy.
  • 1911 - The first bean bag chair goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1914 - Germany invades Austria, Belgium, France, Serbia, Armenia, Norway, Zaire and South Dakota.
  • 1940 - The Blitz: the German Luftwaffe begins to rain bombs down on London. The Blitz is followed by the Blintz, in which the Luftwaffe rains pastries down on London, including the deadly Luftwaffle.
  • 1945 - Winston Churchill goes snowboarding in Palestine, taking his first holiday after victory in Europe.
  • 1960 - Strange spikes in household electricity use are observed throughout California.
  • 1980 - Mr. Spears invades Mrs. Spears' pants; finds more than he expected.
  • 1992 - Princess Anne is released back into the wild in Africa from captivity.
  • 1996 - Tupac is assassinated by that punkass, Biggie Fats. Country music fans rejoice.
  • 2001 - Luxembourg floated on the New York Stock Exchange. Germany attempts a hostile takeover.
  • 2003 - Parents send their children to invade Michael Jackson's bed, later Sue. And Jane also.
  • 2015 - US invades its own borders claiming the existence of weapons of mass destruction.

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Pi egg.jpg

September 8: International Precision Day

  • Sometime Someone invents like counting or something.
  • 1, 2:05:32 PM: Counting is invented by a female human named Digits Counting, 1.745 meters tall, after 4 hours, 8 minutes and 16 seconds of thinking about the problem of shortening sales reports.
  • 70, 6:12:55 AM - 11:03:44 PM Roman legions under the command of Titus sack Jerusalem.
  • 1930 - 3M begins marketing Scotch transparent tape, which sells better than Scotch transparent crayon.
  • 1950: The world's first sit-on lawnmower goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1962: Segregation is repealed.
  • 1986: Plurals Plural banned in the Netherland (formerly known as the Netherlands).
  • 1992: Woman finds baby in dumpster. Declares her a daughter.
  • 2000 - No one cares
  • 2001 - They still don't care
  • 2002 - Hey look!...nah, don't care
  • 2003 - People start to care after free booze is supplied to them via the Red Cross.

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Not a triffid.jpg

September 9: Day of the Truffles Triffids

  • - Cirno is born.
  • 1000 - During the Battle of Svolder, King Olaf I of Norway falls overboard and disappears into the Baltic Sea. He is not seen again until Olaf II: Electric Boogaloo is released on video later that year.
  • 1087 - William the Conqueror dies. About time, too.
  • 1312 - Paracelsus invents redundancy.
  • 1313 - Paracelsus invents redundancy.
  • 1405 - The world's first soda siphon goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1828 - Leo Tolstoy is born. How boring is that?
  • 1839 - John Herschel takes the first glass plate photograph. Later photographs are of a glass cup, a glass saucer, and a glass eye.
  • 1850 - California is admitted into the USA.
  • 1944 - Bulgaria is occupied liberated by Soviet troops.
  • 1967 - The spork is invented.
  • 1969 - No rioting in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1976 - Mao Zedong passes away; sadly his dream of murdering more of his own people than Stalin is left unrealized.
  • 1988 - In the most intense fighting of the GI Joe-Transformers War, the Autobot-Joe Alliance and Union of Decepticon and Cobra Forces see heavy casualties in the Battle of the Backyard.
  • 2009 - Being 9/9/09, an upside down Satan appeared, only to shortly die of spinal injuries.

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Kumquat kicking.png

September 10: Kumquat Kicking Festival (Pakistan), International Hypocrisy Day

  • Before Time BC - Death is born in a small town in Kansas, Nascar becomes marginally interesting.
  • 541 BC - Greek philosopher Hypocrites invents hypocrisy
  • 540 BC - Hypocrisy condemned as immoral by Hypocrites
  • 30 - Asked whether one should pay taxes, Jesus says, "Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's", but then cheats on his income tax.
  • 1092 - Tap dancing invented.
  • 1093 - Inventor of Tap Dancing shot in the head.
  • 1640 - The world's first slide rule goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1892 - Oscar Wilde arrives in America, claiming at customs "I have nothing to declare but my genius". Actually he's got some fruit and Cuban cigars.
  • 1897 - Lattimer Massacre - a sheriff's posse kills twenty unarmed immigrant miners in Pennsylvania. Up until the massacre, the mine wasn't very productive.
  • 1913 - First fully-carpeted coast-to-coast ferret-run opened in the USA.
  • 1939 - Canada declares war on Nazi Germany; German army takes the afternoon off.
  • 1960 - American baseball player Mickey Mantle kicks a kumquat an estimated 643 feet.
  • 1967 - Supreme Court hands down landmark decision in Pot v. Kettle which legalizes hypocrisy.
  • 1982 - The following people are born: (2,394 James), (9887 Johns), (1 satayanarayan ranganathan rama appuswami ganapathy).
  • 2000 - Millions board planes with shoes, liquids, and food. Angered by this, George Bush goes into seclusion to come up with a way to stop this. It takes roughly one year and a few phone calls to his friends in the Middle East.
  • 2001 - Parachutes requested for all workers in the Twin Towers, George Bush says "NAH!' What's on TV?"
  • 2001 - Billions and billions of Americans go to bed early in order to be well-rested for the September 11 terrorist attacks the next day.
  • 2008 - The Large Hadron Collider is switched on ... nothing happens ... Swiss scientists decide to cut their losses and turn it into a badass thrill ride
  • 2009 - Office of the White House announces low-altitude American Airlines 767 fly-over for 9/11 8th year memorial services at ground zero in New York City, on September 11, 2009. Flight officially named AA Flight 175 in honor of the brave civilians who didn't know any better that morning. Plane expected to be supplied with full compliment of fuel as a safety precaution, and to fly over Shanksville, PA, and the Pentagon. Five 20 to 30-year-old Arabs scheduled to take part in flight as show of peace to the Middle Eastern nations. These proud five men will be given boxcutters and a fake bomb in order for the US Air Force to simulate realistic crisis scenarios. Flight 175 "Resurrected," as it has been dubbed by President Obama, will have a pig in the cockpit, for security reasons. Scheduled to fly over WTC site at 9:03 AM.
  • 2012 - The Large Hadron Collider Thrill Ride turns into a supermassive black hole and turns the Earth into something the size of a small pea

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Mullet family.jpg

September 11: International Worst Inventions Ever Day

  • 13800000000 BC Universe invented. Previous universe wiped out due to Large Hadron Collider collision.
  • 3000 BC - Egyptians invent papyrus. Moments later, the paper cut is invented. Still some moments later, some pretty expressive swear words are invented.
  • 33 - Judas invents the noose.
  • 100 - Romans invent the wedgie to torment Christians.
  • 911 - Nostradamus, having predicted 9/11, invents the telephone number 911.
  • 1176 - Iron false teeth invented.
  • 1628 - Glass false teeth invented.
  • 1753 - An Oxford University student invents the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.
  • 1883 - Worst Invention of the Year is a toss-up between Islamic Fundamentalism (Middle East) and Christian Fundamentalism (United States).
  • 1913 - External combustion engine invented.
  • 1934 - Aviation pioneer Igor Sikorsky invents the helicopter ejection seat.
  • 1939 - Inspired by an awful experience at summer camp, Hitler invents his own franchise of camps.
  • 1945 - Morning After Pill not yet invented; George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush invent George W.
  • 1961 - Invention of the mullet (pictured).
  • 1968 - The internet is developed.
  • 1972 - Construction of the Trans-Amazonian Highway.
  • 1973 - The cubicle is invented.
  • 1981 - Road rage invented.
  • 1986 - Fox Network invented. Cancellation invented by Fox.
  • 1987 - CD packaging invented.
  • 1992 - Al Qaeda invented.
  • 1999 - Windows ME is invented.
  • 2000 - First Segway goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 2000 - Emperor Bush invents "The Decider"
  • 2001 - Plane magnet is accidently turned on in Pentagon.
  • 2001 - Osama Bin Laden invents the world's first airplane/building hybrid
  • 2002 - Emo movement invented.
  • 2002 - White House invents WMD.
  • 2006 - Anti-Government Father spends day without turning on TV or Radio, insisting that he doesn't want to hear about what happened five years ago, but in truth, hasn't paid the electricity bill.
  • 2008 Ralph Lauren destroys arch enemy Lacoste by hitting their crocodiles with polo bats

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Holy Picard.jpg

September 12: Captain Picard Appreciation Day

  • 14,000 BC - Q sends the crew of the USS Enterprise-E back in time to the country of France. Spitting in the face of the Prime Directive once again, Picard teaches the cavemen how to paint on the walls, a trait still exhibited in toddlers.
  • 490 BC - A Greek guy runs 42.195 km from Marathon to Athens, announcing the Persian defeat and survival of Western civilization. Unfortunately, he is overtaken in the last leg by the team from Kenya and has a heart attack.
  • 22 - Museum of Ancient Geese opens
  • 1609 - Mark Smith discovers the Hudson River. Shortly after the discovery, Henry Hudson stabs him and claims it for himself. This is generally considered the fifth greatest coincidence of all time.
  • 1683 - Battle of Vienna - Several European armies join forces to defeat the Ottoman Empire and their allies, the Sultanate of Sofa.
  • 1818 - Richard Gatling, inventor of the gatling gun, is born. By six he has invented a rapid-fire slingshot and by ten, a BB gun featuring a rotating array of twelve barrels.
  • 1940 - Q sends a young Jean-Luc Picard and three of his high school peeps back in time to this date. The group discovers the Lascaux cave paintings.
  • 1951 - Anti-rioting technology goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1984 - Leonard Bernstein dies for the second time.
  • 1990 - East and West Germany share a tearful Reunion
  • 1991 - The Cold War ends, and many people are left thinking, "it wasn't that cold". It was that cold in Russia.
  • 1997 - This was an actual year??
  • 2001 - Amnesiacs International select the World Trade Center in New York City as the site of their 2002 convention.
  • 2003 - Johnny Cash passes away. But first he shoots a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
  • 2005 - England regain the Ashes, only to realise the next day the whole series was just a dream.

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French maid dingo.jpg

September 13: Secondary Bastille Day (France), Dress as a French Maid Day, New Jewish Year

  • Some 5768 years ago - God creates Jews as the world's first practical joke then sets them on fire and distinguishes them via urination.
  • 1753 - Mme Bastille opens an eponymously named cake shop in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1768 - The first signs of a confusion which will shape a nation come when the Postman accidentally delivers 12 gallons of milk and eight pounds of flour to the Bastille prison and 7 condemned enemies of the state to Mme Bastille. According to historical records she made them a cup of tea and then undertake forced labour icing cakes for Louis XVI.
  • 1787 - Mme Bastille nearly goes bankrupt having wrongly anticipating a surge in demand due to the peasants actually going out and eating cake. She sacks Marie Antoinette as a strategy consultant.
  • 1789 - French revolutionaries storm the other Bastille. You know, the other one. It's just up the street from the first one, the one that we stormed already. No, not the tobacconist, next to that. Do I have to draw you a map?
  • 1789.2 - Wedding cake figurines cause confusion in the dark among overexcited revolutionaries and the battle to take the Bastille cake shop rages for 3 days as a result.
  • 1811 - Napoleon makes Secondary Bastille Day a pubic holiday throughout French occupied Europe. The British respond with well-bred disdain.
  • 1815 - A somewhat confused British man dies from keeping a stiff lower lip.
  • 1842 - American pro basketballer Shaquille O'Neal is born
  • 1889 - The centenary of Secondary Bastille Day is marred when the organising committee grudgingly admits they don't know where the Secondary Bastille is, and are not even sure if there ever was a Secondary Bastille.
  • 1910 - The grinch steals christmas from a clan of pot smoking little people
  • 1940 - A platoon of German soldiers is sent to occupy the Secondary Bastille. They are discovered ragged, starving and lost in 1952.
  • 1994 - President Bill Clinton initiates Dress Like a French Maid Day.
  • 1997 - Tupac Shakur dies six days after being shot in Las Vegas. Witnesses described the assailant as being dressed like a French maid.
  • 1999 - Lunar Bastille blown out of orbit by massive explosion at waste storage complex overloaded with cake, camembert cheese rinds, croissants, and taunted english kanigguts.
  • 2000 - Al Qaeda decides that "9/11" is catchier than "9/13." Plans are postponed almost a full year.
  • 2001 - To honor the victims of 9/11, Dick Cheney dresses like a French maid.
  • 2009 - Kanye West is sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time. OF ALL TIME, DOG.
  • 2010 - Taylor Swift wins at the VMA's again, except this time when Kanye West tries to bring his drunken ass up, she punches him in the nose, where he then falls on Beyoncé, who is so surprised, she screams, which alerts her bodyguards, who then tackle Kanye West and beat the crap out of him. That night he succumbs to his injuries, and Taylor Swift goes back up to the microphone. "I'm sorry, y'all, but Michael Jackson had one of the best deaths of all time! Of all time!"

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Umie the Umlaut.png

September 14: Struggle Day (Australia) / Gřáťúïťõùš Üšę öf Ðîåçřïťíćãľ Mâřkš Ďàý (Everywhere else)

  • 1234 - The Duke of Umlaut invents the umlaut, becomes first Düke of Ümlaüt. He is later slain in a duel with Barón vön Accént Márk.
  • 1814 - Francis Scott Key writes The Star-Spangled Banner. He later retitles it "The Stär Spänglèd Bäññër" to make it more rockin'.
  • 1969 - Björk is björn in a lönely fjörd in Nörth Ïceláãnd.
  • 1970 - The metal band Blue Öyster Cult is förmed.
  • 1971 - It ís qûïťę a nićē day in Paris. Rioting énsueš.
  • 1975 - The metal band Motörhead förms.
  • 1981 - The metal band Ümlåüt forms.
  • 1982 - Styx plăŷş "Mr. Roboto" for the first time. Pëóplè hate it. Al Gore then gets the ideä to enslave the robot populätion in a fjörd in Østlandet.
  • 1983 - The metal bänd Gřåťüïťöüs Díåçřïtíćäľ Mäřk forms.
  • 1985 - Hâägén-Dáãzs introduces their latest flavor: Döúblé Chérrÿ Crémë dé Chöcølãté Súprëmé. Riöting ensues.
  • 1993 - Peter Cook is ässässinäted by space otters during a performance in the Royal Albert Hall.
  • 2003 - In a referendum, Sweden rejects ädopting the Euro, unless it is renämed the Eüro.
  • 2004 - ä přêśćhööl têäćhěř is sůêd før têłľing a fäiry täłê tø hêr ćläss. Ťhé fäther øf ønê øf ťhé kids säid thát bý têłľíňg fäiřy tälêš, šhě wäs ůńdêrmińińg thêir äthêistic møräl välúês óf løgić äńd rêäśøn.
  • 2005 - The metäl band Thîs Rûňńîñg Jøkê ïs Wêäríñg Öút îtš Wëlcømê forms.
  • 2007 - Some guy has a bit of a struggle.
  • 2008 - Ůñçŷçłöpęđįă.ốřg õffīĉįäłłŷ bêċømêş mőŕē ŗêľïåb+ľē ťĥáŋ Ŵįķīpęďǐã.

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Daonte ghoe thruo doars thaite haiv thize sihn onn theem.

Septumbor 15st: Internashonle Dey ov Mispeld Werdz

  • 31 - Jeshush ammounshes choo de peepll ovv jee woorlg, "yesh lo henchs ittch ish shoo". Bujt onn accoont ovv jee fakt vatt itsh jee Dey ovv Mispeld Werdz, nobboojy nowsh whach hesh shayin.
  • 1835 - Charuls Darwhen, onbored thuh HMS Beegul, reechiz thuh Gulapigose Eyelunds, ware he bugins tu divelup hiz thireze uv evulooshun. Az a joak, he olsow kumz up with Intelujunt Deezine, but he duzunt ekspekt ineewun tu akshulee fawl for it.
  • 1915 - Gawd iz kylld in teh Bettle og Verdoon nad Teh Allyz chinces in teh Forrst Wurld Woor r thretend. Teh taink is oosed nad woorks as a sootable reeplacemont.
  • 1928 - Sur Alexandur Flemminge dizkuvvas a tipe of mold wiv mirakulus heeling propurtees and iz tranzfourmed into an invinssibble sooperhero, skurge ov orl villins and protektur ov ver peepul ov Goffam Sitty.
  • 1932 - Misspeldd wurdz gu non dspliy ni Pairus. Ryoten inzues.
  • 1972 - Schevin peepholess go fichsing of tha coust of n00b Jerbsy ind gut totaly pwned awn deir faises biy a bgass fich thingee anf shyt.
  • 2005 - Meny artoocols on thsi dehy luuk soospicioosly lik tehy woor wrritten in Dootch.
  • 2007 - Barney Ztoobid Purrbl Dyeknowzor Dyze fom Murduriz Todlarz Eetng em A Lve.

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USS Enterprise (NCC-1701) no bloody A, B, C, or D!

September 16: Talk Like Scotty From Star Trek Day

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September 17: Horny Day, Hypnotic Sex Change Day

  • 1803 - Freud hypnotizes a patient into believing she is a Swiss milk maid who has married him. Nine months later, she inexplicably gives birth to a basketball.
  • 1900 - The world's 1,000,000,000,000th human orgasm (but only the 84,379th female orgasm) occurs in Plovdiv, Bulgaria.
  • 1932 - New state phallic symbols capitol buildings are dedicated in Nebraska, Louisiana.
  • 1954 - Drive-in gay porn theatre debuts in San Francisco; Joseph McCarthy hosts ribbon-cutting ceremony.
  • 1975 - The world's tallest free-standing phallic symbol, the CN Tower, is completed in Toronto.
  • End of Time - The Infinite Number of Monkeys with Typewriters experiment concludes, havign produced all literature that has been or ever will be, plus four poems about the flinging of feces.

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This God person.jpg

September 18: God's Birthday. Happy birthday, God!

  • Infinity B.C. - God is born. Exactly how this happens remains of of the great mysteries of time, especially since the date is known with precision.
  • 4004 B.C. - God receives the universe as a birthday present, but loses interest when He discovers that it is infested with parasites
  • 3200 B.C. - S'dhkai, a canaanite, is struck down by lightning when he forgets God's birthday.
  • 1300 B.C. - God decrees to his peoples that the holiest Number shall be 91. When griping ensues, God relents and changes to the much easier to remember 7.
  • 854 A.D. - God creates Hell once the most wicked neighborhoods of Heaven reach capacity.
  • 2001 - God gets drunk at His birthday party and passes out in Buddha´s bathroom.
  • 2005 - God is found passed out drunk in a dumpster behind a Denny's. God is forced to attend rehab.

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September 19: Talk Like A Pirate Day (International), Talk Regularly Day (Somalia)

  • 1778 – The Continental Congress passes the first budget of the United States, budgeting 10,000 doubloons for defense, 5000 pieces of eight for social programs, and additional booty to highways.
  • 1796George Washington makes his farewell address, saying "Aye me mateys, it were good being captain of this fine ship of state."
  • 1957 – First U.S. underground nuclear bomb test is conducted, shivering timbers as far as 500 miles away.
  • 1970 – Pirates the world over rejoice at Oldsmobile's launch of the Cutlass Supreme.
  • 1985 – First pirated movie released. It is rated ARRRRRRRRRRR!
  • 1995 – First Talk Like a Pirate Day. It rapidly replaces the unpopular Talk Like a Ninja Day, which involved people saying nothing so as to conceal their presence.
  • 1997 - Mike Tyson ruthlessly made fun of after doing a pirate impression. Three ears are added to his collection.

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September 20: Sexual Innuendo Day

  • 30,000 BC - Oonak of the Tribe of the Wolf tells Nooma of the People of the Lake that he's got a big, thick woody club back in his cave that he'd love to show her, inventing sexual innuendo.
  • 1939 - Second World War declared. Churchill states in his first War-time speech: "We're going to be up against stiff opposition, and what we as a nation will experience in the coming months is going to be long and hard. "
  • 1940 - First printing of "Biggles Goes Down".
  • 1960 - Oil mining in Alberta, Canada goes wrong, causing the rig to get stuck pumping farther and farther into the hole while the rich liquid spewed out.
  • 2005 - Israel pulls out of Palestine.

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September 21: Cola Wars Armistice Day

  • 454 - Roman Emperor Valentinian III assassinates his general Aëtius after a dispute over the merits of Coke and Pepsi.
  • 1780 - American Revolutionary War: Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point and the secret formula to Coke.
  • 1952 - Pepsi introduces the "So much better than Coke that it makes me feel sick" plan, and sets up 'Pepsicon'. Coca Cola is banned from the USSR. This triggers the Cold Cola War.
  • 1986 - Colonel Sanders surrenders his forces to PepsiCo at the Battle of Kentucky.
  • 2006 - Royal Crown Cola declares war on Pepsi Cola and Coca Cola, proclaiming "Death to the American Capitalist Swine".

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September 22: Autumnal Unquinox

  • 1465 - Aztec tourists discover autumn in the resort town of Equinox, Vermont.
  • 1785 - Britain fails to recognise this day any longer, after realising that "the weather's always crap, every bloody day!"
  • 1867 - New Englanders genetically modify trees to change colors in autumn, as part of a plan to lure Southern tourists back North after the Civil War. The plan fails when the first Southern tourists complain about the integration of colored trees with non-colored trees.
  • 1960 - Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham is first published, provoking the law that Best Before Date stickers are to be put on all eggs and ham. This law was later extended to include all perishable food items and Michael Jackson's career.
  • 2001 - The Federal Communications Commission places largely ignored ban on the use of Fall as a synonym for Autumn, citing complaints by family members of September 11 victims.

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Illustration snake leash.jpg

September 23: Take a Venomous Animal to Work Day, also National Australian Pavlova is Ours Day.

  • 1143 - Pope Innoocent II rejoins God after taking his wife to work.
  • 1554 - Francisco Vasquez de Coronado, Spanish explorer, dies after taking a rattlesnake to work.
  • 1774 - Pope Clement XIV (b. 1705) expires after taking a lionfish to work.
  • 1979 - Olympics held in Wigan for the second time.
  • 1986 - Ozzy "Ozzy" Osbourne catches a crazy train and is late for work.
  • 1989 - Songwriter Irving Berlin dies when the platypus he brings to work strikes him with its venomous leg spines.
  • 2002 - Man dies after a komodo dragon bites his penis in the company bathroom.

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September 24: Weasel Stomping Day

  • 3000 BC - Greek philosopher Atheises founds the Order of Dyslexic Atheists and declares as its motto "There is no dog!"
  • 1541 - Paracelsus, Swiss alchemist, passes away after being drained by a bitter rivalry with the alchemist Parafahrenheit.
  • 1789 - United States History: the position of Attorney General is established, to act as general over the army of attorneys raised during the Revolutionary War.
  • 1906 - U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt proclaims Devils Tower the nation's first National Monument after obsessively sculpting the rock formation in mashed potatoes.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler gets into a hedge dispute with his Polish neighbour.

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Rare image of the invention of alcohol.

September 25: Pastafarian New Year's Eve

  • 75 BC - Julius Caesar assembles a small army to punish the prophet Mosey for ransoming him at too low a cost.
  • 20 - God invents Grues to punish Jews who prosecuted Jesus.
  • 879 - Vikings find the word "Viking" offensive. Change name to Berserkers.
  • 1936 - The great prophet Barry Foster is killed by an unplugged electric model tram whilst convening a Burns supper; he is subsequently devoured by his guests as part of the main course.
  • 2006 - You log on and view Uncyclopedia; millions die.

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September 26: Happy Pastafarian New Year!

  • 13,775,000,001 BC - The Flying Spaghetti Monster creates the Universe, then quickly retreats back into his dishy domain until the time is right.
  • 1846 - At the 1846 Uncyclopedia Convention at Aurora, New York, The Flying Spaghetti Monster was unanimously elected the official carbohydrate-based deity of Uncyclopedia.
  • 1930 - The stock market crashes due to pasta stocks going through the roof.
  • 1946 - English filmmaker Alfred Hitchcock releases his masterpiece FSM, starring Warren Beatty as the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Ingrid Bergman as Distraught Brunette.
  • 1993 - An American man sees a miraculous apparition: the Flying Spaghetti Monster appears in the stains in his Kitchen Sink.
  • 2007 - Masses of peaceful protesters march on the government building housing the Kansas Board of Education after the board votes to ban all pasta from school lunches.

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September 27: Being Fooled by Nigerian Scammers Day

  • 1822: Jean-François Champollion announces that he has deciphered the Rosetta stone. It begins, "Dear sir, I am the cousin of the former finance minister of Nigeria, Ngubo Mbobobo..."
  • 1882: Oscar Wilde is notified that he has been selected to receive £24.9 million from persecuted Nigerian businessman Mr. Mboto Nzuzuwawe! All he has to do is telegraph his checking account number!
  • 1942: Adolf Hitler gets scammed out of all of Nazi Germany's tank anti-freeze budget by a Nigerian claiming to need a small sum of money to export his emu stock and giant vast fortunes.
  • 2005: George W. Bush announces a 10,000,000 USD injection into the US economy, after receiving an email from "Dr. David Ngumutumutu" who has all this money from some American guy's Nigerian bank account, who died in a plane crash with the rest of his family.
  • 2010: You go onto and check what anniversary it is after you paid a Nigerian $500 because he claimed to know the secret of life and that it was on this website.

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Yes kids - Brick walls can be fun.

September 28: Commemoration of the Brick wall.

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September 29th: International Talk Like a 12th Century Finnish Cobbler Day


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September 30: Drunken Monkey Knife Fight Day (pictured)

  • 1452 - The first book is printed: the Johann Gutenberg Bible. This is followed closely by The Girls of Gutenberg Press and The Gutenberg Bible (Lingerie Edition).
  • 1813 - Battle of Bárbula: Simón Bolívar defeats Santiago Bobadilla in a drunken knife fight.
  • 1890 - HMS Bounceout, the first underwater vessel to be powered entirely on orange juice, is launched.
  • 1911 - Sir Barnabas Poleaxe discovers Belgium.
  • 1949 - The Berlin Airlift ends after millions of cubic feet of air are successfully transported to Berlin.
  • 1955 - James Dean gets drunk and tries to get in a knife fight with oncoming car.

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