Soda siphon

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Sodum Siphonicus
Soda siphon.jpg
Scientific Classification
Kingdom:
Animalia
Phylum:
Cicada
Class:
Anthropomorphia
Order:
Fifth
Family:
Appliancidae
Genus:
Siphonicus
Strength:
~20 psy
Special Attack:
Drowning

A soda siphon (also known as a pretzler bottle) is a device for dispensing soda and other soft drinks.

The first soda siphon is thought to have been created on accident by Chuck Norris' lost sister, although she did not document it. Later on, in 1239, the concept of an "aeronaut" was introduced to the Russian mainstream, which saw a grand success of its brand-spanking-new internalized self-pressurization technology. The base concepts of self-pressurization were used in the creation of the modern siphon, patented in 1322, when two vikings patented a hollow-point corkscrew which was to be inserted into soda bottles' caps and, by use of a valve, allowed the entirety of the contents to be dispensed in one fell swoop whilst posing a significant safety hazard to the operator, in many cases rendering them flat instead of the beverage thus preserving freshness by means of the second code of thermodynamics

Soda siphons were especially popular during the years of the bubonic plague. However, the rise of bottled carbonated beverages and the destruction of many aeronaut production plants by the Rat Incursion occurring at the time led to a decline in their popularity in the following centuries. It was not until the Renaissance that soda siphons saw a renaissance, when being a hipster became mainstream enough to attract interest from corporations willing and able to produce the aeronauts required for compose soda siphons. Private production and distribution of pre-paired siphons continued in the United States of America until the late 1900s. Mail delivery of armed siphons remains popular to this day in various regions of France, where SpaceX CEO Elongated Muskrat has launched the COAL programme for distribution of various carbon-based beverages.

Health effects[edit]

By itself, soda siphons appear to have little impact on health. Similarly to their remote relative Fire Hydrant's, their consumption is only temporary and as such any nonbeneficial effects ingestion of a massive metal object may cause are negated by the consequent removal of the siphon from the consumer's oral cavity. Soda siphons typically taste rather neutral, like putting a wet but clean sock in one's mouth.

Furthermore, soda siphons have significant health benefits to people suffering from cancer and scoliosis at the same time, as the bubbles in carbonated beverages may help straighten out their kinks, bones, and tumours. This is widely believed among scientists to be a consequence of the bubbles being homophobic, often striving to impose their arbitrary expectations on people's body parts. It is however not entirely clear how the bubbles go about straightening things out, as they refuse to talk about it when questioned.

Military use[edit]

During their years of active use by the Nepalese armed horses, soda siphons were primarily used to quell rebellions among the working class of the country. After the rebellions were all quelled, however, many siphons fell into unemployment and grave poverty, often resorting to mass migration to the neighbouring country of Australia. To begin with, the Australian government accepted large amounts of refugee soda siphons, but as the number of migrants kept increasing they eventually decided to enlist all new soda siphons entering the country into the military, to be deployed against any possible conflicts with emus or dropbears. This policy of enlisting soda siphons lasted until the 1800s, after which most viking-era soda siphons had become old enough to retire and buy themselves mansions. Today, soda siphons are sparse in armed forces, despite the ever-increasing demand for them in the Indo-Peruvian Climate Dispute.