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You are likely to be eaten by a grue

March 1: International Grue Day

  • 1950 - Grues are first discovered living under couch cushions and inside tumble dryers.
  • 1964 - Grue farmers release a whole colony of Grues into the wild, to hunt them for their silky and fragrant hide.
  • 1972 - Louisiana Grue hunter and businessman Phil Robertson invents the Grue Call a whistle which imitates the dulcet mating call of the Grue.
  • 1974 - While protesting the selling of Grue hide, one hippie is accidentally eaten by a Grue. It was a one time thing, they only do that when they're hungry.
  • 1981 - The Grue population enters a rapid decline due to overhunting and a government campaign to vilify the grue.
  • 1999 - The Grue Relations through Understanding and Empathy (GRUE) organization is formed to combat harmful memes about Grues and their supposed danger to society.
  • 2001 - GRUE are all eaten by grues.

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Total cutie on the left

March 2: International Genderflip Cartoon Characters Day

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Who even plays melee anyway.

March 3: Beat Strangers to Death With a Lead Pipe Day

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Bo rhap.jpg

March 4: Galileo Galileo Galileo Figaro

  • 1849 - Mama, just killed a man, put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he's dead.
  • 1852 - Mama, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away.
  • 1855 - Mama, ooh, didn't mean to make you cry, if I'm not back again this time tomorrow.
  • 1861 - Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.
  • 1862 - Too late, my time has come, sending shivers down my spine, bodies aching all the time.
  • 1865 - Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go, gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.
  • 1874 - Mama, ooh, I don't want to die, sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all.

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My AP World History teacher had a copy of this poster.

March 5: Jump to the Beat of the Party Line Day (Turkey)

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Taps starts to play

March 6: Roadkill Appreciation Day (North America & Australia)

  • 3500 BC - In the first recorded instance of roadkill, Egyptian Pharaoh Ramses IV hits a small cat with his chariot. Shameful.
  • 1869 - The first historical instance of so-called "cannibal roadkill" occurs when a horse-drawn buggy strikes a horse pulling a second buggy.
  • 1934 - Hitler runs over a small ferret in his Volkswagen, precipitating his later invasion of Poland.
  • 1962 - Julia Childs releases a groundbreaking roadkill culinary masterpiece titled Treadmarks and Tarragon.
  • 1969 - President Nixon continues the Road Kill bombing over Vietnam.
  • 1990 - Road Kill is officially the new Mystery Meat in school lunches.
  • 1995 - Steve Ballmer runs over my dog after yelling at the top of his lungs "I'm going to fucking bury that dog. I've done it before and I will do it again. I'm going to Fucking Kill that dog."

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I don't really want to do the work today.

March 7: Talk Like Caveman Day

  • 11,000 BC - Grog think very hard and make up number coming after two, called like "tree" but dumb: Grog pummeled with many rock for wasting everybody's time.
  • 9800 BC - All the mammoths are burned to death by Grog, his friends pelt him with poop since they have no food, but now there is no poop to eat either.
  • 2580 BC - Grog's best friend Enkidu seduced by city-slicker propaganda, play dress up as civilized instead of sucking on rocks and eating bugs like good old days.
  • 2500 BC - Grog sandboards down the slope of the Pyramids, is detained and put on cave arrest.
  • 1309 AD - Grog is happy and healthy in cave, while stupid civilized people die of Cholera and Plague, at least until Grog eat juicy rat.
  • 1995 - Unabomber say modern gizmos bad for soul of humanity, but Grog have smelly green leg and must punch antelope to death everyday for breakfast so what does he know.

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Isn't she a hottie?

March 8: International Men Without Penises Day

  • Start of Time - God creates Eve, Adam celebrates that he doesn't have to keep stroking it by himself .
  • 1919 - Women marching on Washington seeking the right to vote cite Oscar Wilde's play A Woman of No Importance as an example of misogynistic views.
  • 1935 - Sophia blesses the women of the Earth.
  • 1969 - Your mother is born. Women around the world weep at this very event.
  • 2024 - Losers on 4chan and Reddit rant about how, despite being nice guys to womyn, they still haven't got the girl of their dreams (pictured).

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March 9: National "Shit We Forgot to Celebrate Your Birthday" Day (Canada)

  • 400 BC - Noted Greek scholar and intellectual Hypocrites denounces extravagant living from his posh ninety-acre woodland mansion.
  • 1862 - First American Civil War battle between two Ironclad ships ends in draw after the CSS Virginia argues the war was about "economics, not slavery" as if the two topics are separate.
  • 1982 - Time travel party is announced three weeks ago in Baltimore, scientists declare that time travelers don't like Maryland very much.
  • 1994 - Bill Gates announces invention of a method that lets men hold handbags without looking "super gay", men clamor for secret.
  • 1996 - Secret to holding handbag like a man revealed: tie the strap around your balls and swing the handbag around like a flail. Cowardly men invent the extra-large pants pocket instead.

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Honestly there's no point to anything.

March 10: Opposite Day

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Self harm is bad in any form.

March 11: Stop Hitting Yourself Day (Mexico)

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At least you know what you're getting into.

March 12: Indecent Exposure Day

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Thou shalt not eat bacon, unless I change my mind.

March 13: Saturday the 13th

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How irrational.

March 14: American π Day

  • 27 AD - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define pi as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its radius.
  • 435 AD - Pope Sixtus III denouces π, claiming it to be the work of Satan, as a number which never ends seems too cruel for a loving God to have made.
  • 1603 - "American" Apple pie actually invented by the Aztecs, used as aphrodisiac.
  • 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines π to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as close enough.
  • 1891 - The pie chart is first invented, sadly, the original prototype has long since been eaten. Future pie charts are now inedible.
  • 2004 - The day Krabs fries
  • 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of three and a bit, stating, "Certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."
  • 2020 - A resident of New York City passes away after contracting the π virus.

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"I'm starving, wanna go to Little Caesars?"

March 15: Julius Caesar's Deathday

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March 16: International Toaster Day

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They're magically delicious!

March 17: Lucky Charms Appreciation Day

  • 461 AD - The patron saint of Ireland, Saint Patrick, uses the three-leaved shamrock to explain the concept of the trinity: he is later stoned to death for Modalism.
  • 1848 - In the middle of the Great Irish Potato Famine, England tells Ireland to eat their young.
  • 1939 - The Americans mock the Irish by dyeing large bodies of water green, as a metaphor for what the Irish do to the gene pool.
  • 1955 - Irish-Americans appropriate this day as a celebration of Irish culture, still keep the public drinking and lake pollution.
  • 2006 - The start of a new St. Paddy's tradition: trying to pause that scene in The Departed where Jack Nicholson shows off his erect penis.
  • 2010 - St. Patrick's Day loses all connection to Ireland, becomes holiday dedicated solely to turning water green: man-made algae blooms kill 99% of all ocean life.

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Happiness is like a butterfly, you can't catch it so don't even bother trying.

March 18: World Happiness Day

  • 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
  • 1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
  • 1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
  • 1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
  • 1985 - Australia's version of EastEnders premieres to the public, however, it made Aussies more happier than expected.
  • 1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks.
  • 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found.
  • 2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.

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Death by nut

March 19: Peanut Allergy Awareness Day (U.S.)

  • 1649 - Bengal Death cultists breed a strain of peanut that is fatal to a tiny percentage of the population, for they believe the souls of those who die by the peanut are raised again to fight for their goddess Kali.
  • 1877 - The first child to die of a peanut allergy is called a giant pussy by teachers and school staff instead of getting medical attention.
  • 1931 - Gambling is legalized in Nevada, first casino game is like Russian Roulette, except the gun shoots peanut powder, and rat poison.
  • 1962 - Bob Dylan releases his first album, Nutmeg. The cover actually smells like peanuts and not nutmeg.
  • 1994 - Congress passes the Allergy Awareness Act, which legally puts the onus of responsibility on You to cater to everyone's allergy problems. Sort your fridge asshole.
  • 2008 - Vince from Slap Chop accidentally gets his testicles trapped in the butterfly mechanism of his Slap Chop.
  • 2018 - Parents protest animated movie Peter Rabbit after the titular character chokeslams the allergic antagonist into an industrial vat of peanut butter.

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Would you prefer a picture of procrasturbation? Take a selfie nerd

March 20: Procrasturbation Day

  • 1602 - The Dutch East India company is founded, paving the way for the trade of such goods as sugar, spices, human slaves, and additional sugar.
  • 1815 - After escaping from his exile in Elba using cheese, cocked berets, and other French sterotypes, Napoleon Bonaparte begins his "Hundred Days" Rule.
  • 1833 - Honest Jim starts his career out by selling his grandfather's false teeth back to him at nine times their original value.
  • 1852 - Hariet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin was published, setting racial equality back about seventy-five years.
  • 1883 - Eleven counties signed the Paris Convention for the Protection of Industrial Property, strictly outlawing the trade of ideas, dreams.
  • 1914 - The first international Figure Skating World Championships take place in Connecticut. The losers maintain their dignity.
  • 1984 - Dungeons & Dragons hits a new high note with the introduction of the Stock Broker playable character set, including Briefcase of Monotony and +2 Ballpoint Pen.

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Any excuse to use Alphonse Mucha art, it's culture people

March 21: Vernal Equinox... Probably

  • 5 AD - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast.
  • 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink.
  • 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel.
  • 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of Rock 'n Roll being born and enjoying its peak during the Great Depression.
  • 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats.
  • 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance.

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Water? You mean like from the toilet?

March 22: World Water Day

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This is a dolphin not a fish, I demand a refund

March 23: Take Your Fish To Work Day

  • 139 AD - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portaying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey.
  • 1097 - St. Peter's Basilica was first used outside of the Vatican city during the first Crusades.
  • 1952 - Beloved British children's author Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Golliwogs. Please don't google it.
  • 1956 - Pakistan declares itself to be an Islamic Republic, which is like the Old Republic except without the Jedi.
  • 1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights, their husbands sit at home without their supper.
  • 1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months.

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Ah shit where'd I put that screwdriver?

March 24: International Do-It-Yourself Day

  • 1857 - Oscar Wilde pens his story The Soul of Man under Socialism while under something else.
  • 1943 - Jackson Pollock unveils his long-awaited third exhibition, featuring the classic Angsty Orange Tiger.
  • 1964 - The ping pong incident occurs at my high school, and will torment me for over forty years until my son avenges me.
  • 1991 - The first child is admitted to the hospital for Phonics addiction in the beginning of a nation-wide pandemic, resulting in thousands of kids becoming 'hooked'.
  • 1994 - Kitty porn makes its first appearance on the primitive internet.
  • 2007 - The first human trials of Neuroipods suffer drawbacks when a vast majority of test subjects contract iEllepsy.
  • 2010 - Sarah Palin kicks off the first annual Alaskan Sasquatch Appreciation Day.

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For every moose you save, another moose is slaughtered and its meat given to a starving Norwegian family

March 25: International Moose Preservation Day

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You need a veggie burger with that?

March 26: Fast Food Day (U.S.)

  • 1845 - Fast food, then called fasting from food, is invented in Ireland: millions starve due to new trend.
  • 1940 - First McDonald's restaurant opens in San Bernardino, California, life expectancy drops to levels unseen since the Civil War.
  • 1965 - Fox in Socks, the first depiction of a modern-day rap battle, is published by Dr. Seuss.
  • 1994 - After complaints from vegans, McDonald's switches from beef fat to vegetable oil for their fries, vegans celebrate, give money to company that kills millions of cows.
  • 1997 - Someone orders an iced coffee from Starbucks, destroys the economies of three South American countries.
  • 2011 - McDonald's attempts to make Happy Meals healthier, billions of apple slices rot inside their teeny plastic bags.
  • 2016 - New FCC regulations on misleading advertising forces Carl's Jr. to release new 30 second ad of a fat man crying, alone.
  • 2018 - Wendy's delivers epic clapback against dumb bitch on twitter with sesame seed allergy.

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How bad can typhoid really be? Lemme get a bite

March 27: Typhoid Mary Day

  • 1513 - Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de León searches Florida for the Fountain of Youth, finds a Marshalls next to a Randalls next to another Marshalls.
  • 1915 - Mary Mallon, nicknamed Typhoid Mary since her name is Mary and she gives people Typhoid, is detained by the authorities after killing like fifty people.
  • 1921 - Activists from the group "Justice for Mary Mallon" die of typhoid after Mary prepares them all a lovely Peach Melba. (Pictured)
  • 1998 - The head of the FDA recommends that men suffering from premature ejaculation just "think about your dad."
  • 1999 - A Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk is shot down over Serbia by a Slav wielding an evil glare.
  • 2014 - The Moro Islamic Liberation Front agrees to ceasefire with Philippines government while they figure out what's so fucking hilarious about their name.

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March 28: Turkey—the Country, not the Bird—Day

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*Sheev scream*

March 29: National Treason Day

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Bass? Aoobs?

March 30: International Cleavage Day

  • 13B BC - God creates the Milky Way after squeezing stellar matter out of her insanely big knockers.
  • 1692 - Twelve women are burned at the stake for inciting men to sin with their exposed bra straps.
  • 1867 - America buys Alaska from the Russians because of its stiff Mountain peaks and vast tracts of fertile land.
  • 1945 - Woman wears clothing that shows cleavage. The husband beats her.
  • 1950 - The first film in Indonesia gets released, known for having at least one uncensored boob scene.
  • 1977 - Marvel Comics designs a bra with a nipple window, claims its a proud Kryptonian tradition.
  • 2012 - Big butts are now in! But you still can't be more than 120 pounds. Hey, I don't make the rules.
  • 2021 - The Willy on wheels begins editing and improving the Uncyclopedia.

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March 31: Condom Appreciation Day

Ancient Man went to great lengths to avoid the burden of parenthood
  • 4000 BC - Babylonians create the first wooden condoms (Pictured), resulting in much fewer unexpected pregnancies and many, many, many more splinter-related injuries.
  • 1865 - The modern condom is introduced, consisting of sheep stomach lining coated with sulfuric acid. It is quixotically not well received.
  • 1939 - With the invention of latex, the modern modern condom is introduced, single handedly ending the Great Depression.
  • 1961 - Condoms are mentioned on television for the first time, in an episode of The Flintstones entitled Put It Back In.
  • 1970 - National No-Condom decade kicks off at Studio 69 in New York City.
  • 2009 - The Pope claims that condoms increase the number of people with AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa, in a similar manner to how exercise is unhealthy and cheeseburgers eat people.

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