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“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Logging
A woman enjoying a special logging session called animal logging

Logging, or "Log-Docking" as it is also known, is a sexual act (performed mostly by homosexuals) that involves the use of a "log".

The process[edit | edit source]

The process involves two logging partners who exchange a "log"; one of the partners acts as a giver and the other as a receiver. The giver strategically "drops a log" into the "log hole" of the receiver (being careful to mind their toes), the receiver must then pull the "log" farther into his "log hole". Once the receiver has received the "log" the two partners are said to be "logged into" a world of pleasure.

This has fueled the popular urban legend that the Internet term "logging in" was created as an in-joke by the gay mafia who control the internet. There is still no solid evidence to support this and it is currently regarded as a myth. The outcome and sucessfulness of the process is dependent on various factors which include the diet and fitness of the giver and the modulus of elasticity of the receiver’s "log hole," as well as an almost zen like control of muscles. The aim of the giver is also crucial if a successful "log exchange" is to take place. Beginners have been known to make devices to guide their aim from discarded paper towel rolls. It is often recommended that the giver stick to a high fibre diet. Should one fail at successfully "logging in" to a "log hole", it is referred to as a "cock-up". Ps another word is butt sex

Other meanings[edit | edit source]

The term is also used in many other sub-cultures as reference to the same sexual act as mentioned above. The main sub-cultures this term is most predominant in, apart from the homosexual sub-culture, are those of "the internets" and "mathematicians"; where people belonging to these cultures are mainly accepted as homosexual in any case.

In "the internets", one takes an active role in electronically "logging in" and "dropping logs" on to other participants from all over the world; in many instances, these actions are recorded - also known as "keeping a log" - and then recalled by the recorder at any given time to reproduce the effect of said "logging". Due to the impersonal nature of this form of "logging", and the difficulty of producing the same effects as physical "logging", oft times many encounters such as these end up being a "cock-up".

"Mathematicians" are no strangers to "logs". They work and play around with "logs" all the time as a career, and try and teach the youth of today to enjoy "logs" and "logging" as much as they do. However, studies have shown that very few students are interested in "logs" at all, and prefer to engage in "degeneracy", resulting in an unsuccessful "logging", and thus a "cock-up".

Origins of logging[edit | edit source]

Logging as we know it today was revolutionised by Captain Reece Tilon van Merwe der, who was a secret agent for the Boers in South Africa during the Anglo-Saxon Boer War of 1986. Captain van Merwe der wrote the Logging manifesto while on a secret mission at RAU (Really Anal University) which was situated in the predominantly white area of Soweto, South Africa. The University has since changed its name to UJ (University of Jocks) and moved to Allovertheshow, South Africa, to avoid the publicity.

Captain van Merwe der received help from a group known as the KBC (Kill Beggars Club), who were concerned with the burger central diet of South Africa, as burgers did not give the necessary “log” consistency for a healthy sex life. The members of the group were all bad at English and mis-spelt their name when they registered the club, this lead to the somewhat misleading title of the club. The leader of KBC, Dr. Dean Poopoowich, is believed to have been Captain van Merwe der’s logging partner while he was working on the manifesto.

The KBC further assisted Captain van Merwe der by lending to him their greatest asset: The KBES. The KBES or the Kill Beggars Elite Squad was a group of five highly trained musicians. The group was originally formed to combat McDoodles, who were selling burgers and fries to a large percentage of the South African population. The group used a tactic that they called “Forcibly Induced Mosh-Dancing” to get clients and staff at Mcdoodles to jump into pits and throw each other, and their burgers, around like sloppy finger biscuits.

They achieved this by playing the most irresistible FuckingCrazyCore (the true origin of the –core suffix in music genres) songs which had double bass beats that shattered sphincters and riffs that squashed burgers. The tactic was soon commercialised and is now simply known as “a metal gig”.

Founding members[edit | edit source]

The five members of the KBES were:

  • Kylie "Kyle" Minogue
  • Jackie "2 by 4" Chan
  • Mope "Ryan Heart" Boy
  • Arch "Jimbobby" Enemy
  • Goldie "The Guy with blond hair, glasses and red beard" Locks

A regular mercenary for the group:

  • Quintlol "Boere" Bratwurst