- This article is about the political ideology. For the Soviet political party, see CCCP.
~ Charlie Brown on communism
Communism has never existed, anywhere in the world. It is a mistake to call Russia, China, North Korea, Vietnam or Cuba "communist", but a lot of uninformed idiots do.
Sadly, all currently existing communist organizations (which are not really communist organizations really) must be feeling pretty pissed off that they are not protected from being destroyed by imperialist groups, many of which, like the United States, are totally stupid.
Communist philosophy can be traced back to the ancient writings of Proletariat (not to be confused with The proletariat, which also has connections with The Red Menace). Communism can also be traced to Georg Hegel who, while not being political, planted ideas of opposites fighting into Karl Marx's head. As a matter of fact, Hegel, who was Marx's teacher, implanted a twin-personality schizophrenic disorder into Marx's mind before exploding, while laughing at his latest feat, in a fatal blow of TNT stuck in his anus by his frustrated student Friedrich Nietzsche. This resulted into the end of Hegel's long line of philosophical insanity, and in poor Marx's mind to be split in a bloody and never-ending conflict between his "crappy bourgeois elitist" ego and his "romantic proletarian worker" other self, hence came his central theory of a "class struggle" governing the forces of History.
Because communism rejects property ownership and all property is held in common, it is the mortal enemy of Jews. Also of note is the remarkable ability of communists to not only survive, but thrive, entirely on vodka and radiation.
The real communists
According to the Vatican, God created communism as a way to make an idea(l) society after he created Michael Jackson and Disneyland. The plan that works on paper has spread quickly, but it soon became fucked up like everything else. But will God accept this defeat so easily? HELL NO. After God learned communism failed, he killed Saddam. The trick to getting communism working is all in the sales name. Communism doesn't sell and will make your project fail (e.g., Soviet Union, China, the US Senate). If you plan out how you are going to sell it might sometimes. The secret is to get the leaders so drunk that they do not know what is what then put a slip in front of them that says they will allow communism to become the one and only party there then you are all set. Fuck, I'm off track, well, communism is like extraneous equations those weird ones that make sense on paper but will give your calculator a "syntax error". Communism can earn your citizens bad names, like goddamn fuckin' commies (bleedin' in Britain). If you want it to work, then it's called socialism. Socialism has a slicker sound to it and is not extraneous (e.g.Sweden, Denmark, Iceland, Canada).
History of communism
Communism in its modern form appeared in the mid-19th century when a scholar named Karl Marx pulled a Cheeto out of his belly button and blamed the smell coming from his index finger on people more ambitious than himself. This inspired Marx to write a series of great texts that changed the world. The first of these was his "Communist Manifesto", written with the intention of destroying capitalism by inspiring middle-class white teens to dress funny and smoke marijuana during the best earning years of their lives. It also inspired the Broadway play Les Misérables, but nobody cares about Broadway plays. The second, Das Kapital, outlined Marx's view of how the smell migrated from his crotch to his beard and eventually drove off all but the most offensive members of his social circle. Marx theorized that the ruling bourgeoisie L337 controlled society by getting off their asses and not bitching so much about fingers lost in machine lathes and shit like that.
Marx proposed that if everyone pretended to work and the government pretended to pay people, then pretty soon there would be nothing left to bitch about. Marx's dream was later picked up by the rock super group known as Lenin, Stalin and Trotsky (best known by the initials LS&T). Lenin decided to overthrow the government of a country of Orthodox hicks to implement Marx's dream of communist bliss. However, the band broke over creative differences between Stalin and Trotsky. Stalin eventually went on to a successful solo career. Lenin died shortly after the break up. Trotsky was later shot in the head by a deranged groupie named John Hinkley who thought killing Trotsky would impress Jodi Foster. Many critics later complained that Stalin's work had little to do with communism. After Stalin's death, one of LS&T's backup singers, Nikita Khrushchev inherited the LS&T back catalog and put it up for sale on iTunes. Nikita Khrushchev frequently called Stalin's solo work "crap, plain and fucking brain dead simple crap". Communism would be revived repeatedly over the next few generations, with different local flavors added. Mao added a kinky, bat shit crazy Chinese emperor hook to communism. Che Guevara added Latin sex appeal. Castro added cigars. Mikhail Gorbachev added creepy birthmarks. Perhaps the greatest visible contribution was made by Pol Pot of Cambodia who built the world's largest pyramid of skulls in honor of workers' rights.
Fall of communism
In the 1980s, many communist leaders realized that they were too hip to be mainstream. One, Mikhail Gorbachev, took hold of the problem and drove communism back to its underground roots. Gorby sexed this underground flavor up with unheard of flirtations with the godfather of capitalism, Ronald Reagan. The communism that came out of the 1980s was so fucking hip that even great critics like Peter Travers didn't get it.
In 1991, Communism attempted a reunion tour starting in Moscow but it fizzled after a series of bad reviews. After 2000, however, they returned in full force backed by the hot, metrosexual Venezuelan stylings of Hugo Chavez, a.k.a. The Communist Fuck Machine. Chavez mixed communism with zany new themes of Catholic religiosity, including his famous "George Bush smells like sulfur" quote. Although many people didn't get Chavez's crazy new sound, his brand of communism spread like wildfire across college campuses.
The J.G. rantism Sect of Midwestern American 6th Graders, due to the fact that they have a small nuclear stockpile big enough to wipe out the French Canadians, is also a sizable communist country. (French Canadians will soon be turned to communism, as dictated by the ancient communist god Vyacheslavanichkasankovichovsky the Long Named, noted in Studies Upon A Lame Study of Russians and ironically by an American who thinks he's Russian; he can't help long, parenthesized and convoluted asides, despite purportedly bad English – how you say? – grammar, yes?) Formed in 2007 this is the newest communist group, already rising to fame. Inspired by Trotsky and their cruel school curriculum and procedures they will soon be rising in the ranks. Members: Grant Whittaker (Founder) Jackson (Supreme Overlord Maximus) and an army of sentient Sea Otters.
America on communism
- “People who live in communes are communists.”
~ Archie Bunker on HIPPIES
It is a well known fact that America really, really hates communism. Despite being the country of "equal opportunity" it condones communism for not allowing the rich to be an extreme minority ruling the 99%. Anything to do with communists is immediately slammed by American government – during the Cold War you could be commonly arrested and thrown in jail for being communist.