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Hugo Chávez

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“Hehe Hugo CHAV-ez, get it?”

Hugo Chávez shows the United Nations assembly one of his favorite books.
Leaders compare their reading favorites.

Hugo Rafael Chávez Frías (Spanish pronunciation: [ˈuɣo rafaˈel ˈtʃaβes] ˈfɾ; 28 July 1954 – 5 March 2013) was a Venezuelan politician who was the President of Venezuela from 1999 until his death in 2013. He was formerly the leader of the failed state of Venezuela, a former military officer and coup d'état organizer, Axis of Evil Rep #4, El Zambo, and Monkey Mandant, is the coolest evilest Latin American Premier Dictator and oppressor of the (now enfranchised) proletariat. Seriously, those damn coons and Mexicans don't want votes! They want to come wash our fat-ass American cars and sell flowers at traffic lights.

Chavez is indisputably one of the greatest threats to the free world today. His ideas of international cooperation, Third-world cooperation and nationalization of Natural Resources threaten the American dream. In fact, they threaten Jesus. That's right. Hugo Chávez, Latin-American Dictator, is a Muslim.

Chavez is also regarded as the greatest civil rights hero ever by Mexicans for telling people not to buy grapes. In fact, he is so loved his birthday is now a state holiday in California and Texas, he got into the California Hall of Fame, and his face is on a postage stamp.

Idolized by the Leftists and the Socialists and frigging hippies and regarded as a sexual icon by neocons and the Republican Party in the vein of Mark Foley and Jabba the Hutt, Chavez is also known as the reincarnation of Sideshow Bob, His most important friends can be found in Fidel Castor, Tux, Eee-rak and all over the deadly continent of Euthenasia. History is not clear as to whether Chavez was an important figure in the Five-Day War, by not selling oil to the Pirates of the Caribbean.

Widely believed to be the son of ChristAnti-Christ (even in Europe), he refers to George W. Bush as the devil and, in his very bad English, a donkey. Some have taken this to either mean that he was calling Bush a fruity-looking pinata or an ass. World opinion is divided as to his anti-divinity. Some countries like Cuba believe him to be in the mold of Che, in that he hates homosexuals (look up Che) while others like the United States of America think he is a witch. He has however been widely acclaimed for his hatred of professional douche Bono of U2 fame:[1]

It has been the intention of the United States to assassinate Chavez since 1941. However, Chavez' wily tricks and councelship from his alto pana, the gangsta hiphopper K-stro, have always outsmarted George W. Bush and his line of always thinking-too-fast ancestors. In the past Chavez has narrowly avoided numerous falling pianos, anvils, boulders, as well as sticks of TNT and 19th century blunderbluss blasts. These exploits have been dramatized in the popular Hispanic TV show The Dukes of the Caribbean, where Hugo and Fidel Duke constantly outwit Boss Bush and his sidekick Roscoe P. Cheney whilst driving their supercharged 1969 Volkswagen Beetle The General Bolivar. You know, 'cuz Bush and Cheney have actually been paying attention to this oil-rich and oil drilling expertise-poor blowhard, in between bouts of being ignored by everyone.

Early Years

Hugo Benito Mussolini Chávez was born from a souped up, Valentine was his fault because he loved Barbie's late term abortion of a whale and a cockroach. He was then raised by Gollum to attain the presidency of the underworld, but when he found out this was unattainable due to his despicable nature, he decided, as many failures in life do, to join the military. Then he distinguished himself by being the most possibly homosexual cadet, graduating atop (on top) of his regimental commander, and receiving honorary mentions in anal sciences and dildos. Chavez would then be posted to an isolated corner of the world, where he could constantly practice his specialty. He would distinguish himself greatly to the point of achieving an actual real rank and handling a military kitchen, experience he considers pivotal on his autobiography to his presidency.

The Dark Side

Upon his divine isolation, guarding the throat of the nation, Chávez ran into a traveling refugee. This refugee, fleeing the horrors of the imminent collapse of the republic, introduced him to the arts of megalomania and the dark side. He then was known as Darth Messmo, and set out to conquer the world. He however failed miserably at his first attempt in 1992, in which he would overthrow the government and was thrown into jail for not being homosexual enough to serve in the military, amongst other trivial charges such as treason, and rebellion. It was there in prison amongst anal beads, and several prayers that he managed to reach the level of his riddled syphilis master, and concocting his most successful failure in running for president.

Proper Handling of Hugo Chavez

Hugo Chávez and his BFF, Fidel Castro
  • Hugo Chávez has balls, made of fire. They've been that way since he got on board the 333 (the Gay Train) with Fidel Castor's corpse, Evo Morales, Robert Mugabe's rubber penis, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Trust me, that is a conga line you do NOT want to see!
  • The Hugo Chávez is available for your event or social function and distribute food to small children ("Eat your Worker's State Food Provision Production and Distribution gruel and like it!"). Giant children scare the bejeezus out of him. If the Hugo Chávez starts distributing food to invisible pink unicorns, then the invisible pink unicorns really are there but you have no concept of invisible pink unicorns, you invisible pink unicorns unbeliever!
  • Hugo invented the internets with the help of Al Gore.
  • Hugo Chávez will not appear at a business function or charge a fee as the free market is responsible for all the worlds problems and unlike your feudal squires he does not charge for your fealty. ("Don't matta, mang, 'cuz I gots MAD loyal squiraz to entahtain me, bitchez!")
  • Do not offer the Hugo Chávez a banana, he does not need to eat. He has no mouth, like that guy in that Harlan Ellison book.
  • As much as he giggles like a little girl when he sees them in his poop, do not offer the Hugo Chávez peanuts. His only concern is nourishing the people, which would be pretty high on anybody's list with the 18.4% (and climbing) inflation rate!
  • Do not look the Hugo Chávez in the eye.
  • Do not try to sell Mercs2:World in Flames to the Hugo Chávez;he may just try to eat you and your evil American funded propaganda. Which is amazing, since he has no mouth.
  • Under no circumstances should you attempt a move at reconciliation between the Hugo Chávez and Pandemic Studios or Bono. You may be castrated.
  • Do not taunt the Happy Fun Hugo Chávez. It may cause him to lock you in a car with his mom. That's just sick.
  • Do not pee, defecate or vomit on the Hugo Chávez. That's his countrymen's job!
  • Do smoke a blunt with Hugo Chávez since he and Fidel Castor's corpse enjoy blazing fat Cuban spliffs. It's also a blast of a light show when Fidel's formaldehyde bath lights up.
  • Do not show the Hugo Chávez any pictures of your mother. Or your father.
  • Don't feed the Hugo Chávez after midnight, or He will turn into a grue. He can easily revert if he so desires, but acting on direct orders from God to kill kittens has a certain je ne se quois that he cannot resist. Usually that means he'll be running around Sean Penn's house for about a month or two, snuffing the occasional neighborhood tabby, Siamese, or even mountain lion cub if he's up to it. After about the fifth time he gets stuck in the business end of Sean Penn's alimentary tract, he goes up there one more time for the road, reverts, and waves a hearty farewell to his friend as he rides his jaunty Iranian-Venezuelan designed coupe into the sunset and a warm shower.
  • Don't talk about the Hugo Chávez's mother that way. If he fucks up Venezuela's petroleum industry like a goddamn accident, that's the Hugo Chávez's damn fault—no need to bring his parents into it.
  • Do not attempt to assassinate the Hugo Chávez, unless you are Chuck Norris and then only on Tuesdays or Saturdays.
  • Don't call the Hugo Chávez a dictator as it is not true. I know that since the Chairman of the People's Revolutionary Central Executive Committee of the Supreme Soviet of the Union of Democratic Socialist Republics of the Potato People told me. Name's Diego, I think. His sister's hawt.
  • Hugo Chávez can punch through a concrete wall. Do not, therefore, take him within punching range of a concrete wall.
  • Hugo Chávez is not "Castor's bitch", "tool", "puppet", "butt-boy", or "Castor's gaffer". All those times he walks funny, gets Fidel a drink, lets Fidel (or Raul these days) play Mr. Proctologist, or duct tapes Fidel's nose back onto his putrefying face—it don't mean a thing.
  • Not listening to all four hours of the weekly Hugo Chávez speech is treasonous to the people, ESPECIALLY when he does his "cha-cha-cha" dance. His Paul Harvey routine is PRECIOUS!!
  • He is probably not "Hitler", "Stalin", "Pol Pot", "Idi Amin", "Betsy", "McGill", "L'il", or "Nancy". Probably.
  • Do not leave your Hugo Chávez in the car for too long, as he is liable to melt. While he will leave a stain, he will reconstruct himself with the help of the ghost of Bizarro Jacques Derrida. It doesn't matter if he leaves a stain because everyone's car was made by fascists who exploit their workers and eat babies. Not that we have anything against abortion or anything, but the line's the line!
  • Do not leave the Hugo Chávez in the car with your mom under any circumstances!
  • The Hugo Chávez retains his healthy, jaundiced glow with Worker's State Food Provision Production and Distribution brand "Commie-Chow"! Coming soon, 50% more political dissident! Pick up some up today in your Worker's State Food Provision Production and Distribution Grocer's freezer!
  • Do NOT under any circumstances touch the Hugo Chávez's Crotch. That shit is gross.
  • NEVER attempt to tickle the Hugo Chávez, except if you just happen to be Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer, Barney the Dinosaur, Adam West, Night Rider, Pamela Anderson, Mr. Belvedere, or Oscar Wilde. In which case, well, somebody's been a naughty little cheese blintz!
  • A Hugo Chávez will mow your lawn, build your house, clean your house, cook for you, take care of your kids, and fix you tacos y burritos because he is a man of the people. And he wants what's in your wallet for a dirty bomb for some reason.
  • If The Hugo Chávez says that he's working for you because he loves you, he is. Both for the advancement of the revolutionary proletariat and Hugo Chávez's raging, raging ego.
  • Never give a finger onto the Hugo Chávez. He needs the whole hand!
  • Hugo Chávez will not fall for "the banana in the tailpipe". His car is impregnable because the invisible pink unicorns will it and Hugo Chávez has achieved dictatorship of the proletariat. Emphasis on "Dick".
  • Hugo Chávez claims that a prestigious sci-fi award; the Hugo Award, a world-famous clothing line; Hugo Boss, and the Human Genome Project were all named after him. And if you try to correct him, he'll kill you.

Basically, it comes down to the fact that the Hugo Chávez cannot accept his homosexuality. There, I said it. Hugo Chávez, at heart, is a big, boa-wearing, Judy Garland-loving, lisping, flaming bear, and he's unfortunately ashamed of that. Would that we all came to terms with who we are as individuals, it would be a much better world...

Fight against Uncle Sam

Hugo Chávez is one of the many tyrants who dares to oppose the divine authority of America and has made insulting people he doesn't like a state policy. He is a more inspirational character than George Bush. Here we show fragments taken from two of his greatest and brilliant speeches:

“You are the real terrorist, fascist Bush”

~ Hugo Chavez on That stupid topiary that, despite all his pruning, refuses to look like a bunny rabbit

“Socialism or Death!”

~ Hugo Chavez on Nuance

“I can fuck an American liberal up the nalgas and they'll beg for more as long as I say 'Bush sucks' while I'm doing it!!!”

~ Hugo Chavez on Worldwide Revolution

“Kill them all! Leave none alive! Rape the women and take the horses!!”

~ Hugo Chavez on Pandemic Studios

As part of his brilliant plan to remove all eeeeeeeeeeeevil undemocratic influence the oppressive United States wields in Venezuela, Hugo Chávez is dismantling the bourgeoisie's media, oil, and communication companies that corrupt children and make them want to kill themselves (damn those evil telenovelas, oh the infernal machinations of that evil, satanic Ugly Betty!)

Though he is a staunch opponent of Uncle Sam, it must be noted that it was he that inspired him to choose "Uncle Hugo" as his preferred title. All over Venezuela may be spotted posters of His Excellency sporting clown make-up, nose glasses and a rather amusing pink fez with the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers depicted on it. On these posters are written the totally awful slogan "Uncle Hugo wants you for a nice barbecue!". These mass-produced posters have the function of instilling fear, respect and familiarity ("look! It's Uncle Hugo!") among his many subjects.

Personal life

Well, it's personal, isn't it. So bug off. I'll give you a hint though, every waking moment of his life is consumed by molesting all those who have until now been repeatedly sexually molested by the propertied classes. Better that they be repeatedly sexually molested by a man of the people! (SFW, is rokken)

Sexual Orientation

Hugo Chávez is a Trotskyist which means he is an arrogant, intellectual homosexual. Arrogant homosexuals use boring talk to lure other homosexuals into a false sense of security and then...


Hugo shoves his rigid dick into the yawning mouth.

This is how he came to power into whatever turd country he runs

Chavez has been seeking to legally marry Fidel Castro.

See also