Eve
“Okay, God, not bad. Now take another one and let’s get a look at her sister.”
“Bitch!”
Eve (4004 BC – 3864 BC), best known to computer scientists as the first Apple user, was created as a Weird Science experiment and subject of the first palindrome. Because of a historic incident of note, resulting from her experience as a sexually frustrated teenager who unexpectedly met a fast-talking snake, she is also commonly known as "Eve of Destruction".
Biblical Eve[edit | edit source]
The account of Eve's origin is accepted by Christians, Jews, Muslims, and Scientologists alike (although most religious people are born illiterate and stay that way) and is best described in the Ek-sen-trik-kuh: The Twisted Tales of Shamlicht (Latin for The King James Bible: The Lies of God). The "Twisted Tales" explain that she was the first sex-reversed clone, having been created from genetic material taken from a man's (Adam's) rib. Adam of course, the first nudist, gave Eve her name – and, incidentally, the aforementioned palindrome: "Madam, I'm Adam."
What happened next is contained in the King James Version of Genesis 12:69-88: "And GOD saw the daughter Eve that HE had made, and that she was gracious fair to look upon. And GOD didst become jealous of Adam, for HE was a jealous GOD, and was great with the divine elixar of horniness and HE was suddenly great with himself, for Supremely engorged didst become his GODLY organ of copulation. So GOD slew Adam with an apple (don't ask) while Adam slept under a tree in the garden, and GOD didst create another man out of the dust of the ground, and called his name "Gay", for thus wouldst GOD have no competition. And GOD knew his daughter Eve, and knew her again, and she didst become large with child, and gave birth to triplets: two sons and a daughter. And their names repeated endlessly within the wind and light for all aeons to come were Reverend Loveshade, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, and Lilith, and they can thusly be found forever written in the Book of Names.
Eve kept the apple that killed Adam as a souvenir, and later used it to create the Trojan War, which was the first of many major conflicts among the world's condom manufacturers. This was a few weeks after she had finally found her true calling, had changed her name to Eris, and became the Goddess of Discordianism.
Sewer of Sin Eve[edit | edit source]
For Saint Paul, Saint Augustine, Susan Saint James, and several New Orleans Saints, Saint Eve surely symbolizes a cesspool of sin swayed by a specific suggestive slithering snake successfully seducing her south of salvation.
These Saints also agreed that Adam wasn't man enough to keep Eve in check, and placed a curse upon them both. This meant that Man now had a Divine mission to keep his Woman in her place, a lifelong duty heavy with accusation, loss of income, and less time hanging-around with his friends. The Woman's curses included childbirth, cooking, cleaning, listening to a man moan at night about his job, and then a duty to actually make him moan at night, and if she refused to follow any of these rules there awaited instant and righteous ETERNAL DAMNATION.
