Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/July
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July 1: Canada Day in Canada; Canada Awareness Day in Civilized Countries
- 1863 – The Battle of Gettysburg begins. One hundred forty years later, Brooke leaves me, sparking my own personal battle.
- 1867 – The British North America Act takes effect as the Constitution of Canada, creating the Canadian Confederation, and laying down the first widely accepted standard rules of hockey.
- 1890 – Canada and Bermuda are linked by telegraph cable; Canada briefly enjoys participation in the Bermuda Triangle until a lobster severs the connection.
- 1933 – The Canadian Parliament suspends all Chinese immigration; the dreams of countless Chinese youths of playing hockey for a career are sundered.
- 1970 – Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers is honored on Canada Day as the Canadian of the Year.
- 1980 – O Canada officially becomes the national anthem of Canada, replacing Canada Is Pretty Neat, Eh?
- 2020 – The United States invades Canada with the intention of creating the massive new national park "Mooseland". After arriving, however, nothing of any interest was found, and all armed forces were withdrawn from the area.
July 2: Canada Day (Canada) (if July 1 falls on a Sunday (which it didn't)); Confusing Parentheses Day
- 1492 – After becoming extremely confused by oceanic parentheses, Christopher Columbus arrives in The New World, believing it to be China.
- 1566 – French astrologer Nostradamus dies. Didn't see that one coming, did ya Nostradamus?
- 1698 – Thomsas Savery patents the first steam engine, designed to mechanically move a horse's legs so as to reduce the amount of effort required to pull a horse-drawn buggy.
- 1882 – Oscar Wilde reaches the height of his celebrity, arriving to the premiere of his play The Importance of Being Earnest in a luxury stretch horsebuggy.
- 1947 – A weather balloon crashes in the desert near Roswell, New Mexico. The Army covers up the loss of the weather balloon by claiming it was an alien spaceship.
- 1962 – The first Wal-Mart opens for business in Rogers, Arkansas. The primitive version of the store offers only guns, confederate flags, and bullets.
- 1996 – Aliens attack the world, destroying New York, Los Angeles, Washington D.C., everywhere else. Bill Pullman, Will Smith survive.
July 3: International Hot Pocket Day
- 1775 – In the American Revolutionary War, George Washington goes to Cambridge, Massachusetts and takes command of the Continental Army, known for their delicious breakfasts.
- 1776 – The Declaration of Independence is peer reviewed.
- 1870 – Oscar Wilde graduates from Maudlin College, Oxford, with a double-first in Modern Classics and Flower Arranging.
- 1885 – "He who hath smelt it, dealt it" ruling in federal court sets new legal precedent.
- 1890 – The moderately severe United States Potato Shortage of the 1880s is resolved when Idaho is accepted as the 43rd U.S. state.
- 1978 – Conceptual artist Humphrey Crawford exhibits his piece Oil, urine and diesel on canvas (pictured).
- 1996 – Jeff Goldblum finally begins to figure out how to take down the aliens.
- 1983 – After a wild night of passion between a Pop Tart and a mediocre plate of Italian food, the Hot Pocket is conceived.
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July 4: Independence Day in the Untied States
- 993 – Saint Skeet Ulrich of Augsburg canonized. Unfortunately, they used too much powder and he overshot the catch net.
- 1776 – King George III receives a letter from the colonies; throws it out thinking that it's yet another menu from a pizza restaurant.
- 1862 – Abraham Lincoln proclaims an end to the American Civil War. He waits a moment, then yells "Psych!"
- 1917 – American troops in Flanders attempt to recreate the famous Christmas Truce of 1914 by holding a 4th of July barbeque in No Man's Land. The results are predictable.
- 1969 – Birth of Will Smith. The world rejoices. Warring forces in Vietnam, Czechoslovakia and Detroit lay down their arms, and join together in ushering in the new Golden Age of Mankind.
- 1996 – Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum save the world by infecting the alien mothership with a computer virus, thus continuing the time-honored tradition of infections saving the world from aliens. Will Smith tries to take all the credit, but Jeff Goldblum threatens to sic his Jewish father on him.
July 5: X Day; Day After We Kicked The Brits Ass Day (Southern US)
- 334 BC – Masturbation is accidentally invented by Plato in Athens. His diciple Aristoteles is later declared "Master of his domain"
- 1687 – Isaac Newton (pictured) discovers gravity after being hit on the head by a falling fig.
- 1689 – After outbreak of falling fruit, Isaac Newton officially changes gravity to 7.
- 1946 – The bikini is introduced in Paris, France. Later, no bikini atoll was the trend.
- 1967 – The first kidney transplant to be made entirely of lego bricks ends in tragedy
- 1976 – Dumbass starts running across the United States.
- 1998 – Aliens fail to turn up and fry everyone to a pink crisp.
- 1999 – Again, the aliens miss the due date.
- 2000 – Yet again, the aliens fail to meet their contractual obligations.
- 2001 – Cultists get seriously pissed off with yet another no-show.
- 2002 – Kooks consider taking legal action against missing aliens.
- 2003 – Aliens turned up, but not the right aliens. Bloody mocking tourists.
- 2004 – No one turns up because no one expects the aliens to. And, yup, they didn't.
- 2005 – If you are reading this, the aliens did not turn up for the 8th year running.
- 2005 – Longest fart in world history. Produced by AMB.
- 2006 – That's right, still no aliens.
- 2006 – Zombies become extinct.
- 2007 – Deal or No Deal? The aliens decide to take the money and not show up - again!
- 2010 – The Church Of The Subgenius hijacks the Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/July 5 page
- 2155 – Aliens almost turned up but missed a left due to wrong directions and landed on Venus.
- 2156 – Aliens turn up and land in Tokyo but flee due to a Gundam Statue that lit up at night.
- 19447 – Aliens appear as tourists, but at this point no one cares.
July 6: Man Milk Day
- 3100 BC – Village idiot starts sucking on a cow's titty; discovers milk.
- 2300 BC – Chinese religious officers declared that drinking milk is a sin.
- 1609 – Bohemia is granted freedom of religion. The Bohemians snap their fingers in approval.
- 1732 – The 'Running of the Bulls' Festival in Pamploma, originally, 'The Drowning of the Animals' Festival, undergoes Major overhaul. PETA established.
- 1946 – George W. Bush born; record numbers of brain death recorded in America.
- 1977 – Idiot deems day "Man Milk Day" and proceeds to schedule lame events (Editor advises they read the article "How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid")
- 1978 – Margaret Thatcher blesses the first man to be milked.
- 1986 – Mike Portnoy founded the band Dream Theater
- 1988 – Shemales riot near Rio de Janeiro to obtain the rights for selling their milk to earn a living.
- 1996 – Mike Portnoy travels back in time to found the band Dream Theater
- 2004 – Man Milk is found to be an excellent source of energy for athletes. Naturally, using it in this fashion is outlawed by the U.N. under pressure by the Gatorade overlords of the universe.
- 2006 – San Seattle Riot kills 6 Caloringtons
July 7: Misleading Hyperlinks Day
- 1456 - Twenty-five years after Joan of Arc was burnt at the stake, local clergy say sorry.
- 1862 - Queen Victoria gives the first public display of Breakdancing at Wembley Stadium
- 1888 - Oscar Wilde heavily utilizes misleading hyperlinks when writing his article The Decay of Lying.
- 1944 - President Franklin D. Roosevelt declares that today be "National Fracas Day". (Pictured)
- 1946 - Anna of Austria, Duchess of Bavaria, daughter of Ferdinand I is born.
- 1995 - Toby Keith writes hit song, "Dirt Roads and Beer Trucks".
- 2003 - NASA launches the Mars Opportunity Rover into outer space.
- 2002 - Noted musical artist Jon Bon Jovi cancels a worldwide tour to focus on hair feathering.
July 8: Pregnancy Appreciation Day
- 1300 - The Navajo invent Antbortion.
- 1682 - The Ovum is first viewed through a microscope.
- 1838 - American Evangelists begin teaching that being born again is necessary for salvation.
- 1973 - Backstreet abortionists are run out of business by legal abortion clinics.
- 1974 - Planned Parenthood is founded, preforming free abortions in exchange for money and referring friends to do the same.
- 1981 - The first successful hotwiring of a uterus is preformed.
- 1998 - AMA publishes: HowTo:Deliver a Baby, A Concise and Easy-to-follow Guide Developed, Tested, and Approved by the AMA (No, Not that AMA. The Other One) and Reprinted with the Permission of the JAMA (Also a Different One).
- 2008 - Sarah Palin's daughter's unborn child falls pregnant
July 9: International "Hug a Zombie" Day
- 2340 BC - Egyptians create Hug a Zombie Day when depressed, long-buried Egyptian soldiers rise from the grave and demand brains.
- 31 - Jesus raises Lazarus from dead and gives him a hug and a warm kiss.
- 1984 - Margaret Thatcher becomes the first ideological zombie ever to hold public office in Britain.
- 1985 - A new age for Zombiekind is ushered as a number of prominent zombies appear in a Michael Jackson music video.
- 1998 - Several Brooklyn residents are turned into zombies after a zombie pigeon escapes from its lab in Staten Island.
- 2011 - The United Nations celebrates Undead Rights Day, event promptly cancelled when supporters get eaten by massive horde of undead.
- 2013 - Zombie Apocalypse leaves whole world Zombiefied, zombies forced to hug each other.
July 10: International Bathroom Stall Graffiti Day
- 1796 – Carl Friedrich Gauss discovers that every positive integer is representable as a sum of at most three triangular numbers, yet he remains steadfastly confounded by other number-shapes such as the octagonal numbers and the irritating square pi.
- 1821 – The United States takes possession of its newly bought territory of Florida from Spain. The state instantly becomes recognized for its oranges, old people, hurricanes, and other stereotypes, except for Disney World which was not constructed until 1875.
- 1938 – Diabolical billionaire Howard Hughes sets a new record by completing a 91 hour flight around the world in just 87 hours.
- 2005 – Microsoft decides to remove the "Undo" button from all its programs, "for customer convenience".
- 2006 – Realizing their mistake in the previous year, Microsoft tries to fix the problem, yet is unable to Undo the mistake due to the lack of a button enabling this process.
- 2007 – On the anniversary of its acquisition by the United States, Florida is flooded while ironically leaving Sea World above water (pictured).
July 11: International Pull My Finger Day; Fake Fart Appreciation Day (Rural Alabama, Georgia)
- 1307 – Walter Tell, offspring of the famed archery enthusiast William Tell, pioneered the art of Interpretive Death by creatively expiring after suffering a major crossbow incident.
- 1796 – The United States takes possession of Detroit from Great Britain under the terms of the Jay Treaty. Great Britain immediately regrets this transaction when the Detroit Red Wings win the Stanley Cup in 1798.
- 1804 – Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton is mortally wounded in a duel with United States Vice President Aaron Burr in the last major political duel before the Political Dueling Edict of 1822 was imposed by the new generation of sissy-boy lawmakers.
- 1859 – A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens is published. Oscar Wilde immediately parodies many of Dickens' concepts in his novel the Picture of Dorain Gray.
- 1864 – The American Civil War does not live up to its name as a Civil War, as pleasantries are barely exchanged before the Battle of Fort Stevens.
- 1925 – Famous monster Oscar the Grouch (pictured) is born in the slums of Sesame Street. He does not earn the added moniker of "Grouch" until he resorts to selling candy to children after bedtime following a long string of hardships.
July 12: Feast of Peter and Paul (Catholic Church), Feast of a Thousand Lasagnas (Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) (pictured)
- 1870 – In the midst of high school, and without the convenience of LiveJournal, Oscar Wilde expresses his angst and sorrow by composing the poems Poems.
- 1917 – The The Bisbee Deportation occurs as vigilantes kidnap and deport nearly 1,300 minors from Bisbee, Arizona. The children are forced to wander the Arizona desert in search of shelter and sustinence.
- 1993 – The sale of Chex Mix is officially banned in the United States after disturbing trends regarding improper usage come to light.
- 1998 – Icelandic megastar Björk is arrested for allegedly causing several thousand dollars worth of damage to an Icelandic bed and breakfast. She is later acquitted after testifying "I am the round and the square, the ocean is sea."
- 2004 – Harold And Kumar finally make it to White Castle.
- 2008 – The United States Presidential race heats up, as Senator John McCain reveals his platform and begins intensive campaigning.
July 13: Surreptitiously Masturbate Near A Sleeping Stranger Day
- 1921 – Sinead O'Connor is arrested for indecent exposure in a coma ward.
- 1945 – The Manhattan Engineering District achieves its first major success, giving the ability of flight to a medium-sized mouse.
- 1987 – The United States Supreme Court rules that disciplining your monkey near a sleeping stranger (pictured) is unconstitutional.
- 2003 – Stunningly gorgeous tennis sensation Martina Hingis stuns her fans by announcing her retirement. Her fans cry for days and refuse to eat.
- 2005 – Uncyclopedia viciously and unfairly deleted by extremist Wikipedians.
- 2009 – The Uncyclopedia Anniversaries break the fourth wall by telling you to get a job, you lazy git!
July 14: National Surrender Day (France)
- 1789 - French citizens storm the Bastille, a large prison, and free seven prisoners who were wrongly incarcerated after being accused of that most heinous of crimes in France: being English.
- 1798 - The Sedition Act becomes United States law, making it a federal crime to write, publish, or utter false or malicious statements about the U.S. government.
- 1969 - The United States removes all large bills from circulation, much to the dismay of the legendary Salmon P. Chase (the face of the $10,000 bill) and his adoring fans.
- 1974 - It's Christmas, Folks, and Just Look at the Mess We've Made by John Lennon reached number one on the charts.
- 2000 - A powerful solar flare, later named the Bastille Day Event, causes a geomagnetic storm on Earth. French partisans attack sun by throwing sunblock and parasols at the sky.
- 2007 - A breakthrough study shows that those who read often are better at reading than those who seldom read.
July 15: Throw Your Controller at the Screen Day
- 1982 - Atari releases E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial for the Atari 2600, and is met with rave reviews and general praise from gamers and critics alike.
- 1986 - Dragon Warrior (Pictured) is released for the Nintendo Entertainment System, paving the way for role-playing video games.
- 1987 - The most angry singer in the world was born in Las Vegas, Nevada. First thing he did in his life was to throw his NES controller in the TV.
- 1988 - The first adult-oriented video game is released for the Nintendo Entertainment System, but the inadequate processors and primitive graphics of the time render the game more confusing than erotic.
- 1997 - GoldenEye 007 is released for the Nintendo 64, panned by critics due to lack of achievements and customizable hats.
- 2002 - Playing off the massive success of The Lord of the Rings franchise, a videogame based on The Silmarillion is developed, where you play the role of someone trying to read The Silmarillion.
July 16: International Turning Japanese Day (United States)
- 1812 – Niels Bohr laid out the first Table of the Elements, containing less than half of the elements known today, but including most of the important ones such as Linoleum and Kryptonite.
- 1862 – American Civil War: David Farragut becomes the first United States Navy rear admiral, becoming the butt end of 'rear admiral' jokes for decades.
- 1945 – The Age of Large, Mutated Reptiles begins (pictured) when the United States successfully detonates a nuclear weapon, unleashing gigantic horrors upon the world (mostly Japan).
- 1972 – The Time Cubicle Theory is first developed. The lead theorist was certainly not on any sort of brutally mind-bending narcotics.
- 1994 – Comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 collides with Jupiter and is sentenced to twenty space-years of probation for reckless endangerment and orbiting without a license.
- 2002 – Stephen Hawkins' dissertation on Modern Advances in Mathematical Theory suitably impresses the brunette in the fifth row, and they both retire to the library for a cozy study session and a quick bout of intercourse.
July 17: Dog Days Begin (Summer), Professional Copiousness Day (Uncyclopedia)
- 800 – With the Roman empire in shambles, the Dark Ages begin, ushering in a time of mysterious axe wounds and serfdom.
- 1717 – The Blackbeard Catering Company (pictured) is founded, offering full foodservice and a variety of bar items including rum and grog, all at competitive rates.
- 1934 – Faced with demands to clean up its act, Hollywood introduced the Hays Code, which set guidelines for things such as the use of negroes in film.
- 1948 – The U.S. Presidential ticket of Strom Thurmond and his New Hampshire Merchant Cat, Stripey, garnered over one million votes in the general election.
- 1955 – Disneyland establishes its independence from Pixar.
- 1995 – The Snopes website comes online, and the truth and validity of countless rumors and urban legends, such as the safety and sexuality of children's toys and children's icons, respectively, are quashed.
- 1981 – Absolutely nothing of any consequence happens.
- 2005 – Misquoting Jesus, a book by Bart Ehrman, is published. Within a few short weeks it becomes the center of a firestorm of controversy, most of it defending Jesus' accomplishments as described in the Bible, among them "champion surfer" and "speedboat owner".
July 18: Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride Day
- 1835 – Bobwire is invented by Bob "Two-thumbs" McGinty.
- 1863 – American Civil War: Matthew Broderick, Denzel Washington, and Morgan Freeman charge a Confederate fort in what is commonly agreed to be one of the most passionate scenes in cinema history.
- 1872 – Britain introduces secret ballot voting so that aristocrats across the country may more convincingly drop their monocles in indignant surprise after the rabble have their way.
- 1879 – Oscar Wilde obtains the cane he becomes known for posing with during a contest of wit with a man owning a cane.
- 1883 – Jimmy the Cowboy is born in what is believed to be Kentucky.
- 1969 – Mary Jo Kopechne & Sen. Ted Kennedy plunge off Chappaquiddick Bridge, thus tying up all the lose ends.
- 1971 – Hunter S. Thompson has a rather nasty trip. Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride Day established in honor of this occasion.
- 1990 – Interruptions continued to occur in all aspects of daily business as people repeatedly were urged to "stop" during the period known as "Hammer Time".
July 19: Swallows Return (Capistrano), Great Cat Feast (also Capistrano), Ice Age ends.
- 1545 – The Tudor warship Mary Rose sinks off Portsmouth, after leaving an outer porthole ajar in a storm.
- 1553 – Jean Grey (pictured) is replaced as Phoenix by Queen Mary, after holding that title for just nine days.
- 1870 – France declares war on Chef Boyardee, starting the Franco-American War.
- 1877 – 1st Wimbledon Tennis Championship is held, oddly enough, in Hoboken, New Jersey.
- 1989 – STACEY CHIN'S Birthday and Another attempt made by Paolo for a unique birthday message.
- 1992 – Actor Luke Perry reches the height of his celebrity and records a world-record 18 public service announcements in one day.
- 1993 – Award-winning author Rod Jensen publishes his work So Your Wife Wants To Become A Minister (And Other Solutions To Your Daily Problems) to great success.
- 2622 – Time Machines are invented, and history is re-written. All the above is rendered possibly false.
July 20: Window Licking Day (Scotland)
- 1903 – The Ford Motor Company ships its first car, the Model R, with an engine that powers its four wooden wheels with whale oil.
- 1928 – The government of Hungary issues a decree ordering Gypsies to settle in one place, surrender their Gypsy gold, and take a bath goddammit!
- 1969 – NASA astronaut Louis Armstrong becomes the first man to set foot on the moon (pictured) when Apollo 11 splashes down in the Sea of Tranquillity.
- 1974 – Turkeys invade Cyprus.
- 1981 – The chemical compund Anime is first isolated in a Japanese laboratory.
- 2006 – A small Minnesota town mourns the loss of a small child who drowned in a pond.
July 21: National Fight Day (UK), Belgium Awareness Day
- 1066 – Fight Day established by humans; "You do not talk about Fight Day," proclaims the King, shortly before being impaled on a sword by Normans.
- 1298 – Battle of Falskirt: Edward Longlegs defeats Mel Gibson's Scottish hooligans in a poker game.
- 1949 – The United States ratifies the North Atlantic Treaty, officially enacting a truce with the hostile North Atlantic Ocean that would be honored until sea otters invade Boston in 1977.
- 1958 – The elusive and mysterious pond whale (pictured) is first described in scientific literature.
- 1977 – Sea otters invade Boston.
- 2006 – The first in a wildly successful series of prison journals is published on Uncyclopedia.
- 2007 – "Celebrating Fight Day may increase your risk of getting into a fight" says a statistitian after completing a 30-year research program.
July 22: Oh, my God! It's National Hysteria Day (United States), and you HAVEN'T MADE ANY PLANS!
- 0 – Scientists decide the Earth is round, not flat. This is proven wrong when a sailor "falls off" the world and is never seen again.
- 1066 – King Harold inaugurates National Hysteria Day with his famous speech "Holy shit! It's the fucking Normans! AAAAAAAAA!"
- 1855 – A brief cease-fire is called in the Crimean War until Lord Raglan gets his sobbing under control.
- 1929 – Dozens of stockbrokers and bankers leap out of windows in wild National Hysteria Day celebration.
- 1966 – Australian Prime Minister Sir Robert Menzies celebrates the nine hundredth anniversary of National Hysteria Day by running around in circles, screaming.
- 1986 – Copious amount of vodka-induced partying causes several employees of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant to hysterically panic when the reactor can't handle the sound system. They take out a few control rods to compensate the drain on the power grid.
- 1990 – Media outlets report the outbreak of a deadly virus in the United States. Thirty-eight people die of panic attacks from the announcement, and two more are killed by the virus itself.
- 2006 – TOTAL FUCKING HYSTERIA!
July 23: Promptly Shoot Everyone Day
- 1914 – Archduke Franz Ferdinand, his wife, and his moustache are shot and killed while travelling to market in an open buggy, triggering World War I.
- 1942 – Promptly Shoot Everyone Day receives a tremendous boost with the opening of the Treblinka Concentration Camp. Up to six million take part.
- 1963 – Lee Harvey Oswald (pictured) is assassinated in the Texas Book Depository in Dallas. His alleged assassin is promptly shot, creating a firestorm of controversy and insane conspiracy theories printed on poorly xeroxed fliers.
- 1965 – Malcolm X gives a speech in New York City, decrying the racist motivations behind Promptly Shoot Everyone Day. He is promptly shot and replaced by Malcolm XI.
- 1973 – Bob Marley promptly shoots the sheriff, but he swears he did not shoot the deputy, or at least he did not shoot the deputy in a timely manner.
- 1986 – Britain's Prince Andrew marries Sarah Ferguson at Westminster Abbey in London. He then promptly shoots her in the face.
- 1982 – Sasuke Uchiha is born and then shot ... promptly.
- 2005 – Egypt attempts to expand the festival by introducing Promptly Blow Everyone Up Day, leaving 88 dead. Branded "a wild success" by President.
- 2007 – An aspiring pornography actor adopts the moniker "Promptly Shot", but he isn't hired for some reason.
- 2009 – I shot you ... promptly.
July 24: Pioneer Day (Utah), Polygamy Week Begins (Also Utah)
- 1132 – Battle of Nocera between Ranulf II of Alife and Roger II of Sicily takes place in Italy. Ranulf's fettucine narrowly bests Roger's linguine, and Italy adopts fettucine as the National Stereotypical Food.
- 1487 – Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands, unsatisfied with watered-down domestics, rebel against a ban on foreign beer.
- 1947 – Brigham Young and all his merry wives arrive in Utah to establish Mormonism, and in doing so guarantee that even the ugliest son of a bitch (pictured) can have multiple mates.
- 1983 – Hacker Richard M. Stallman launches the GNU project, an effort to protect the endangered gnu, a buffalo-like animal, from extinction using mainly open-source code.
- 2000 – While on the Presidential campaign trail, George W. Bush reads a helpful guide to living life that helps him on his way to the Oval Office.
- 2008 – The Dark Knight is released, becoming an instant box-office smash hit, and reaching the all-time pinnacle for film.
- 2009 – I like the fact that you're reading the anniversaries right now. I really, really do.
July 25: International Talk Like Yoda Day, it is.
- A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... – Social Security investigators witness Yoda's light saber battle with Count Dooku, they do. Hmmmm. Realise, they do, that the walking stick thing is a charade. "Your incapacity benefit try and remove, we will" they tell him. "Do or do not", cleverly replies he, "There is no try."
- 306 – Proclaimed Roman emperor, Constantine I is, by his troops.
- 1946 – Detonated underwater, it is, in the lagoon of Bikini atoll, an atomic bomb. Swimsuits of Women are torn in half, they are. Protest, by this action, they show.
- 1947 – The United Nations, Talks Like Yoda Day, it innaugurates.
- 1951 – The Korean War, pauses it does so that both sides can this day enjoy.
- 1962 – President Kennedy visits Berlin and proclaims "Ein Berliner, Ich bin."
- 1969 – Neil Armstrong lands on the moon. His first message: "Hm, yes, one small step for man, this is. One giant leap for mankind, also it is."
- 1970 – When asked, Mao Zedong is, by reporter ██████ ████ whether more powerful capitalism is than communism, replies, he does, "No. Quicker, easier it is."
- 1980 – "Eheh. Wars not make one great!" quips Jimmy Carter. He is soon defeated in a landslide.
- 1981 – "Mr. President! Freed the hostages are!" shouts a reporter as Ronald Reagan declares "Darth Ayatollah, powerful and bearded he is!"
- 2004 – George W. Bush spends most of the day pretending to listen to questions put to him, then widening his eyes and saying "Yoda! You seek Yoda!" This goes on until Dick Cheney breaks his arm with a tire iron.
- 2005 – Ted Kennedy remarks to Howard Dean, "John Kerry was our last chance to stop Bush and Cheney. To which Dean replies, "No....there is another! ; ( " later revealed that even though they once made out, Hillary Clinton is John Kerry's sister.)
- 2006 – For the previous entry, shot an uncyclopedia editor is.
July 26: Punch Your Girlfriend Day (Michigan)
- 3400 B.C. – Cave man punch woman. then laugh
- 589 – King Arthur declares himself King of England after using Excalibur to hit his woman.
- 657 – Battle of Siffin. Theys was Diffin, yo. No I'm sayn, Bitch?
- 790 – The practice of "back handing" starts in Europe as a cure for the women talking. It has a success rate of 80%.
- 810 – The practice of "back handing" ends in Europe as reports of excessively clean houses increase.
- 1521 – Famed prophet Nostradamus predicts that the King of England will have an affair and take the Queen of France as his mistress.
- 1524 – Nostradamus's house gets egged by an angry mob as they find his prediction to be wrong and that the King of England does not take the Queen of France as his mistress, but the Prince of Germany.
- 1536 – King Henry VIII of England takes Punch Your Girlfriend day to new extremes, by killing two of his wives.
- 1590 – Martin Luther changes his "100 Thesis" to the "99 Thesis" by deleting the sentence, "Priests are not to be allowed to have relations with children."
- 1792 – The Whiskey Rebellion is lost as George Washington and his troops march to fight off rebels while they were drunk singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. We take one down, pass it around, and 98 bottles of beer on the wall..."
- 1812 – The War of 1812 starts as an 18 year old young British boy gets in a fist fight with a 12 year old American. The two nations get involved as they send reinforcements to help the children.
- 1834 – The whoopie cushion is invented as a seat cover, but does not sell well for making "sounds of unwanted body gases."
- 1870 – The typewriter is invented with only the keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
- 1956 – Harry Belafonte is impregnated by deadly black tarantulas as Shari Belafonte is born among a bunch of bananas.
- 1966 – Bloblobo, king of Bababa, knights Bob the salesmen for his studies in the field of OhmygodIforgottochangemyboxersology.
- 1974 – A Scottish man is viciously attacked by an alien squid after mistaking the creature for his bagpipes. Several women are punched in the process.
- 1988 – Reading in terror - Godzilla is born in the Royal Berkshire Hospital.
- 1994 – Like Henry VIII, O.J. Simpson takes "punch your girlfriend day" a step further by murdering his wife.
- 1997 – Peter Piper picks a peck of pickled peppers. Pfft!
- 2000 – 35 people with the Y2K bug are hospitalized after having close physical contact with their computers.
- 2007 – The Green Archers are beaten by The Blue Eagles, The Archers then punch their girlfriends for not cheering hard enough. The Eagles punch their girlfriends in ecstasy.
- 2008 – Max Mosley celebrates "punch your girlfriend day" by dressing as a Nazi prison guard.
- 2089 – Chuck Norris punches girlfriend, waking his dentist and long-deceased great-great-great-great grandfather Odysseus.
- 3001 – Justin Bieber's preserved remains finally hit puberty.
July 27: StarCraft Day (Korea), Nerdery Day (Internetopia)
- 7 BC – First computer created, using a yard of string, a goat, and three partially eaten kidney beans.
- 6 BC – The first computer nerd (pictured) fixes a goat/bean compatibility issue on a local goatherd's new computer.
- 3 BC – A computer nerd/farmer has sex with his goat causing string problems and generating large amounts of upchucked kidney beans, thus creating the first computer virus.
- 0 BC – A child runs through a field and trips over a string where a vast network of stringed goats are being held. The chain reaction sets off an epidemic of bean-upchucking and goat-kicking that doesn't end until the goats are re-neutered and restringed.
- 500 – A woman proposes the use of thin strips of silicon to faciliate the use of micro-circuitry, halving computer sizes and doubling their speed. The woman is stoned to death then given a medal after being credited with the discovery of the breast implant. Male suicide rates halved.
- 666 – Steve Jobs trades his soul to Satan for StarCraft, the first game capable of running on goats tied together with string. He goes on to invent Blizzard.
- 1000 – The Y1K Bug destroys computers, causing the human race to be enslaved by toasters. Later someone pulls the plug on the toasters and the humans are freed.
- 1866 – Cyrus Field successfully completes the Atlantic Cable, thus allowing for the largest single transfer of internet porn in history.
- 1914 – British troops invade the streets of Dublin and demand free wifi.
- 1979 – Actor Penis Van Lesbian changes his name to the more acceptable Dick Van Dyke.
- 2003 – English tribute band Two Humps is formed in Nottinghamfordshire-upon-Kent, Surrey, England.
- 2007 – The finincially ailing Area 51 is forced to open its doors to the public in order to avoid bankruptcy.
- 2010 – StarCraft II is released to the public. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
- 2011 – Blizzard denies allegations that a third installment, StarCraft III, is under development. Koreans everywhere grieve.
- 2036 – StarCraft III is officially confirmed by Blizzard. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
- 2057 – The Japanese discover how to manufacture immortality out of panties and meth, and subsequently sell it from vending machines. Koreans steal the formula and take over the world.
- 2135 – StarCraft III is released. Walmart regains control of the world because Koreans are too busy playing it.
July 28: National Fondue and Chocolate Day (Switzerland) (pictured)
- 1020 – Swiss man Arkov Chenbort accidentally drops chocolate into vat of fondue. Entire village enjoys snack.
- 1439 – A continent-wide fondue shortage in Europe causes citizens to whine, moan, complain, and otherwise be unhappy.
- 1794 – Robespierre is sent to the guillotine for declaring white chocolate the Chocolate of the Revolution...and for thinking July could be renamed Thermedor.
- 1956 – The first video game is introduced, allowing the player to move a dot to one of two locations on a projected screen using punch cards. Legendary gamer AAA makes his debut, setting the all-time high score of 13, which stands to this day.
- 1972 – On a trip to Vietnam, Jane Fondue is captured in a photograph that caused chocolate sales to soar, at least to her for a while.
- 1999 – After widespread internet rumors concerning chocolate shortages are proven to be false, many of the instigators are banned from the internet.
- 2007 – Bashing one's head against a brick wall is officially substitued for fondue and chocolate in some of the poorer areas of the world.
Jülÿ 29: Hëävÿ Mëtäl Ümläüt Däÿ
- 166 – King Arthur dëcïdës thät chängïng hïs nämë tö "Kïng Ärthür" wïll mäkë hïm söünd härdcörë, thüs märkïng thë fïrst üsë öf thë Hëävÿ Mëtäl Ümläüt.
- 1776 – Thömäs Jëffërsön, ä nötëd Hëävÿ Mëtäl fän, ädds Hëävÿ Mëtäl Ümläüts tö thë bëgïnnïng tëxt öf thë Dëclärätïön öf Ïndëpëndëncë (pïctürëd) tö mäkë thë Ü.S. sëëm pöwërfül tö Kïng Gëörgë ÏÏÏ.
- 1949 – Chäïrmän Mäö Zëdöng ännöüncës thät änÿönë ïn Chïnä whö döës nöt wrïtë thëïr Chïnësë wïth ümläüts övër thëïr chäräctërs wïll bë sübjëct tö rë-ëdücätïön.
- 1961 – Ü.S. Prësïdënt Jöhñ F. Këññëdÿ ëntërs öffïcë wïth tïldës övër hïs n's. Twö ÿëärs lätër, hë ïs ässässïnätëd bÿ Lëë Härvëÿ Öswäld, whö fäïlëd Spänïsh äs ä chïld.
- 1985 – Thë Cöcä-Cölä Cömpänÿ ïntrödücës Nëw Côkë, ä värïänt öf Cöcä-Cölä wïth ä cïrcümflëx. Thë nëw drïnk fäïls hörrïblÿ änd thë öld Cöcä-Cölä ïs rëïnstätëd.
- 1998 – Ü.S. Prësïdënt Bïll Clïntøn üsës ä Scändïnävïän "ø" ïn hïs nämë ïnstëäd öf än ümläüt ïn ä lëttër tö Mönïcä Lëwïnskÿ. Thïs rësülts ïn thë Lëwïnskÿ scändäl, whïch älmöst cäüsës Clïntøn's ïmpëächmënt.
July 30: International Page Blanking Day
July 31: Feast of St. Leslie Nielsen (Uncyclopedia)
- 781 – The oldest redorced eruption of noted volcano Mt. Fuji occurs, raining the Japanese countryside with scorched lenses and bits of charred film.
- 1498 – Christopher Columbus, on his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, still refuses to ask for directions to India.
- 1588 – The Spanish Armada is spotted off of England; very few were expecting said Inquisition.
- 1919 – Germany's Weimar Constitution and Other Fables is penned.
- 1921 – The International Astronomical and Astrological Society dubs Gemini (pictured) to be the most revered of all constellations.
- 1947 – Jingo Grand Championship: India headbutts the UK negating its win of 1858. Mahatma Gandhi is named player of the year and becomes the first to claim "I'm going to Disney World".
- 1951 – V.S. Pritchett publishes Mr. Beluncle, which quickly became a minor classic among English readers, yet was not well supported by American critics who responded with silly faces and much brow-furrowing.
- 1992 – Harry Potter is born.
- 3491 – Third Robot invasion of U.S. capital Grand Forks, North Dakota is repelled by soldiers under the leadership of president George Bush XXVI.