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What To Do When Gypsies Steal Your Carrots

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These are the slimy bastards you're looking for.

If you need your carrots for consumption, vegetable contests, or self-mutilation, then you know what a terrible thing it is to have your carrots stolen by Gypsies. Gypsies often use carrots for such dark rituals as summoning the Devil or celebrating a birthday. If you don't want this to happen then you must follow these steps very carefully...

Step 1: Don't Panic

It can be a real shock when you have your carrots stolen from right under your nose. With a lot of hard work, people can often overcome the grief of losing their most precious of vegetables, although suicide is not uncommon. The best thing you can do now is to take deep breaths and count to ten. If you go into shock, call the police immediately and get yourself into hospital. You can deal with the Gypsies later. At the moment, the most important thing is your safety. Please do not use chloroform to calm yourself, as it will only result in future problems.

Step 2: Track down the gypsies

The Gypsies probably went that way.

After you have settled your health issues, you are ready to track down the culprits. It is quite easy to find Gypsy tracks, due to the fact that they travel in massive caravans and have dogs that bound after them. All you have to look for is some tire tracks and a broken part of your garden fence.

Once you have found the Gypsies' secret hiding place, you have to count how many there are. If there are only one or two of them, you have nothing to worry about. The Gypsies will not be staying long, as they will soon go back to their herd. Gypsies always travel in large packs, unless they are lost. If this is the case, then you can sneak into the caravan while they are busy rutting in the bushes, and take your vegetables back without any danger at all.

If – as is in most cases - there are more Gypsies than you can shake a stick at, you will have to take the next steps. Sneaking into the caravan is too risky, and you could get killed, or worse, mortally injured.

Step 3: Make a raiding party

There is no way you can retrieve your carrots on your own, so you will have to gather a team. You will probably have to pay them, of course, but there is always some clever way to avoid giving your money. Your raiding party should consist of:

  • You. You are very important here, because without you, there is no reason to raid the Gypsy nest.
  • Sniper. Takes out the Gypsies before they know what's coming.
  • Human shield. Gypsies are armed and dangerous, so you might want to take a human shield. Ask a friend to do it. I'm sure they'll agree.
  • Medic. Optional. Not really that important.
  • Sandwich holder. Very important. You can't go hungry on the job, now, can you?

Step 4: Choose your weapon

This is a knife. It may be useful

Before raiding the Gypsy hole, you must arm yourself. Your guns will not work, due to the dark Gypsy magic surrounding the area, although your sniper's will, because he will be far away. In the meantime, you will have to use other weapons. One of the most popular choices is the baseball bat. It can be used to break windows, doors and skulls. Samurai swords, chainsaws and chair legs also have been known to be used.

Please note that you will mostly be fighting Gypsy magic, so you would look like a complete pillock if you wore jeans. (Everybody knows this, so I don't need to explain it here). PVC nurse costumes are the best at protecting you from dark magic because of their waterproof quality. This will also throw the Gypsies off, as they may mistake you for one of their dealers in disguise - or maybe just a whore. For headwear, a top hat will stop falling things from injuring you, as everything will just bounce off. You can test this by getting your friend to wear a top hat and then dropping a grand piano from ten floors above. Watch as it just bounces off, like a marshmallow!

Step 5: Begin the raid

To have any chance, you must raid the nest in daylight, as their powers are weakened when the sun is up. If you take a Gypsy by surprise, he will not have time to use his magic or load up his shotgun. Surprise-attack as many Gypsies you can and kill them. Now it's time for a sandwich break.

Once they are alerted to your presence, grab one Gypsy and threaten to put him in a house if he does not tell you where the carrots are. This is a Gypsy's worst nightmare. Nine times out of ten this plan works. If it does not, kill the Gypsy and grab another. Repeat this until they give up the location. After they have told you, you can have a sandwich break.

Now you can go into the place where the carrots are held. Most likely, the Gypsy King will be there, but he is probably stoned out of his socks, so he won't be a problem. Ignore him and take your carrots. If the Gypsy King is sane enough to try and stop you, persuade him that you are a hooker. The next few hours will be long and painful and your team might wonder what is happening, but it will be worth it. After you have hold of your carrots and you are no longer saddle-sore, leave the camp as quickly as possible. If there is time for a sandwich break, however, seize the opportunity.


Congratulations! You have successfully retrieved your carrots. You may now cook them, eat them, or insert them into whichever hole you prefer. The Gypsies will not bother you again after your raid, so you can rest peacefully in your bed/hole for the rest of your life. That is, until the pikeys steal your broccoli ...

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