Bill Pullman

Bill Pullman during his short term as US President

Born in Hornell, New York, Bill Pullman is one of seven children. He attended the State University of New York at Delhi and the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. He worked with various theater companies, most notably the Folger Theater Groupe and the Los Angeles Theater Center. He made his big-screen debut in the Danny DeVito/Bette Midler comedy Ruthless People (1986) and followed that with lead roles in Spaceballs (1987) and The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988). He is married to Tamara Hurwitz and they have three children.

Or at least that's what the demons of media would have you believe...

Biography

Sightings began early on the eve of June 1964. Many theories have been created to explain Pullman's sudden existence. The theory that has been widely accepted is as follows: For many years the US government had been working on a top secret project (one of their many) to create 'the perfect soldier'. This began by attempting to alter the soldier itself but this ran into certain complications (you know you've gone wrong when the guy explodes like a potato in a microwave). This then lead scientists to approach the problem from different angles until successful engineering of a human could be accomplished. One scientist by the name of Slyrr proposed to create a symbiont for the human who was to be made 'super'. This was praised as a brilliant innovation as it would remove the scenario of a soldier going rogue and then having super abilities by giving the option to remove the symbiont when necessary. Or so they thought. Several teams began working on this approach to the super soldier project. After many years of toil and hardship they finally reached their goal. They code-named the project 'H.A.I.R.' (they were just as pleased with the name as they were the project. Them government officials suuuure do love acronyms). This symbiont was cleverly disguised as hair so as though not to tip off enemy troops looking to harvest it and back-engineer it off of a fallen soldier (this would prove to be an ineffective design while combating the Natives due to 'scalping'). The scientists had planned ahead for many things to go wrong with this creation as it was only the prototype, however, they hadn't planned for the symbiont itself to go rogue. HAIR escaped and ran rampid through the deserts of Nevada until it realized that it needed to find a host to continue survival. HAIR had gone from host to host and coast to coast until eventually it reached the head of one Bill Pullman in New York city. The two instantly fell in love and HAIR seared itself onto Pullman's head thus fusing the two for life until death do they part. Soon National Geographic began filming the exploits of Pullman and his government symbiont but learned that Pullman was too much of a moron and not quality material for a monotoned narrator to work with. Thus National Geographic tossed the footage in the garbage. Little did they know, many writers and filmmakers had found scavenging Geographic's trash to be highly profitable. And so Pullman's work made it's way onto the big screen and public opinion soon mistook him for an actor (he had been seen stalking the streets of LA consuming small children and women).

The H.A.I.R.

The Human Active Integrated Ravager or 'Whitman' as it was nicknamed. Pullman became the first major host to the HAIR creature. Similar to the venom creature in Spider-Man, the HAIR enhances it user greatly at the cost of free will and also becoming slightly evil.

Famous Roles

Pullman has had several of his life events documented then sold in mass media.

Mr. Wong

Also know as 'Mr. Wrong' by the majority of the populous. Mr. Wong was the original working title but was changed under pressure of a lawsuit from the Mr. Wong's Drycleaner martial arts epic. Thus the title was changed slightly to reflect it's content better. This movie documented the love life of Pullman as he pursued his first victim. This also demonstrated his great power to use Whitman's power to consume those who opposed him. Thus this became a key point in the Whitman's plot for domination. The movie first hooked viewers when Ellen the Degenerate quoted the hit action film Con Air when she had referenced one of her colleagues as 'Goober'.

Pullman had stalked Ellen for sometime when finally he made his move in a local diner. He entranced her when he had formulated a response to the age old phrase "O rly?" with his famous words of "yeah... really." Soon Ellen and Bill went on their first date, to a local convenience store. It was here that Pullman attempted to win Ellen's heart by stealing a canned beverage. Ellen was shocked at this appalling act, even more so when Bill stuffed the can into her hands. They attempted to leave the shop with the stolen item, only to have the crazy black clerk scream "YOU STEALIN' FROM ME, YOU SHIT?!" at them. The clerk then proceeded to run at them with a baseball bat. Unfortunately, the poor man was no match for Bill's HAIR, and the manner in which he died is simply too sickening to describe in this article.

Ellen had fainted through sheer terror by this point, so Pullman carried her back to his car and they drove away. Ellen woke up just in time to see Bill finish his stolen drink and hurl the empty can at a homeless man's head. Although quite unpleasant for the homeless man, (his face caved in) Ellen and Bill couldn't help but laugh. It was at this point that they realised they were in love, and Bill took Ellen back to his place. This then lead to the famous topless scene when Pullman revealed his breasts to the world audience. A great storm of press coverage and public backlash would've followed this event under any normal circumstances but Whitman was able to demonstrate its hypnotic propaganda abilities. Pullman under the control of Whitman began to utter subliminal messaging believed to be heard as "three blood finger red water." This also had an intended effect on Ellen and caused her to worship him and his mighty HAIR.

Bill's subliminal messaging worked briefly, but soon Ellen began to break free of his evil. Pullman realised that the only way to win her heart once and for all was to scare the living shit out of her, by dressing up as a clown in stilts and appearing at her bedroom window in the middle of the night. Obviously, this was a complete success. Things were looking better than ever for Bill and Ellen.

After throwing Ellen into hypervolemic shock Pullman was able to convince her that this could stop happening if she would just calmly go ahead with her marriage. She went along with it for fear of her life. Pullman then introduced her to an old woman who was believed to be his mother. It is widely believed that that this woman was simply incredibly senile and figured that she probably had a son at some point in her life and accepted Pullman as family. She then approved the marriage stating that Ellen had "good birfin' hips" and gave her blessing. It is rumored that Pullman's motive for this was either severe brain damage from HAIR burning its way into his skull or perhaps an emptiness and needing for a family. However the latter was discounted when he consumed the woman and it was found that he was indeed a completely brain damaged lumpkin.

As if Pullman alone wasn't enough trouble for her a jealous ex-lover of Pullman arrived. The ex-lover soon revealed as Mrs. Cusack threatened to have her eaten by dead ants as well as carrying out several other highly abusive acts. John Cusack later came to the rescue and managed to restrain his LSD and PCP influenced sister. Also of note was Joan's famous line "COOOOOOONSUUUUUUUUUME" was soon quoted over and over as part of consumer capitalist marketing and was soon converted to a plug-n-play slogan of "COOOOOOONSUUUUUUUUUME insert product here or be COOOOOOONSUUUUUUUUUMEd". This caused sales to skyrocket as being a market training video thus fueling the aggressive nature most salespeoples now exercise.

To ensure she would not attempt another escape he employed two Mexican children. In return for purchasing gun from them they would watch over her at gun point (it later turns out that these guns weren't real and were simply harmless squirt guns filled with concentrated nitric acid). Eventually Pullman arranged the marriage to be held at the Taco Bell chapel in the village of Little Burro.

Finally, it seemed as if Pullman would finally get his wife. They entered the chapel without incident, and even made it halfway up the isle. However, fate intervened once again. John Cusack had received a call about a body falling from the sky with his name on it, and had to rush off to investigate. His deranged sister was left unguarded, and she managed to acquire a high powered rifle. She ran to to the church, and took up a position on the second floor. Joan aimed her rifle at Ellen, but just as she fired Bill happened to walk in front of Ellen, the round from the rifle hitting him square in the back of the head. Joan cursed as she realised her mistake and aimed her rifle once more, but could not get a clear shot of Ellen. She managed to leave the church unnoticed, amid all of the fleeing wedding guests.

Soon, Ellen was the only person left in the church. She stared at the lifeless body of Bill Pullman and shouted "IT'S OVER, IT'S FINALLY OVER!" She happily made her way over to the the front door of the chapel, thinking she could finally have her life back. Suddenly, Ellen felt something wrap around her ankle. It was Pullman's HAIR. It turned out that Bill had survived being shot, thanks to his HAIR eating the bullet. He had merely been knocked unconscious briefly by the impact. The HAIR dragged a screaming Ellen back over to Bill, where it proceeded to devour her. Bill was devastated by the loss of his bride, and realised that the HAIR was evil. He desperately tried to pull it off, but it just latched on harder each time he tugged. As Bill furiously struggled with the HAIR, the church bells began to strike. The HAIR let out an unholy shriek and started to loosen its grip on Bill. Bill realised loud noises hurt it, and so he stumbled up to the top of the chapel tower, where the bells were located. The HAIR continued to screech and loosen its grip, until Pullman was finally able to pull it off. He threw the HAIR away and ran as fast as he could away from the church, eventually becoming a sailor. He travelled the world for many years, searching fruitlessly for another woman he could call his bride.

US President

After Pullman realized he was nothing without his HAIR he quickly returned to Mexico. During which HAIR had been tearing apart northern Mexico and the people within it. Although Antonio Banderas was able to hold it off with the help of Robert Rodriguez HAIR was becoming too powerful.

When Pullman retrieved his HAIR the word quickly spread that it was him who brought the scourge. The Mexicans then began plotting revenge. It would also be noted they simply aimed to destroy the world in revenge and did not target Pullman himself. But somehow Pullman became US president.

During the alien invasion Bill Pullman became the self-appointed commander-in-chief. He then sought to conquer the foreign alien race (see Mexico). Unable to compete with the advanced Mexican technology and the sudden loss of workforce (as the Mexicans are now attacking) the world nations quickly collapsed. Pullman brought together the only people who could stop the invading foreigners. Will Smith and some guy who had survived being attacked by dinosaurs. Together they were able to stop the Queen and destroy the great Nave de la Madre space station. However, one problem still remained. No one was willing to put faith in a minority and a conspiracy nut. Then Whitman took over and delivered one of the greatest speeches ever to be delivered out of a human mouth. The people of the US were rallied together with their morale meters more than fully replenished and were able to go forth to destroy the Mexican invaders. Without their shield the Mexican ships practically fell apart due to being made of burritos and the grease that normally coats them. The Mexicans were then forced to scatter back across the southern states. Pullman was temporarily hailed as a hero until it was realized that he was a complete imbecile, had actually caused the invasion and only managed to fight off the invaders out of a huge fluke.

Lone Starr

After being forced out of office due to winning a war that defended the entire free world (See Winston Churchill), Pullman decided to leave planet Earth for a while and keep a low profile. He changed his name to Lone Starr and travelled to a galaxy far, far away. Pullman got a job as a mob enforcer for the notorious gangster Pizza the Hut, and found a simple joy in breaking people's legs and nailing them to the floor. However, after a while he became lonely. He went to one of his fellow mobsters, Johnny "The Candyman" Candy, and asked him to be his friend. The Candyman rejected this offer, saying Pullman was an idiot. He also stated he was uncomfortable with Pullman' H.A.I.R, swearing that it kept winking at him. A heated exchange of words broke out between the two, ending in Candyman telling Pullman to get a dog if he was lonely, and slamming the door in his face. Angered by Candyman's blatant showing of disrespect, Pullman devised an evil scheme that would punish Candyman in a horrific and very ironic way. Pullman contacted the infamous surgeon and genetic researcher, Dr Dre, and together they kidnapped Candyman and took him to Dre's lab. Taking Candyman's advice about getting a dog a little too seriously, Pullman paid Dr Dre to transform John Candy into a disgusting half man, half dog hybrid. He also inserted a compliance chip into Candy's brain, forcing him to become, in Pullman's words, his new "Bestest best friend". Pullman took his new found 'friend' into his spaceship, and they flew off into the stars together, embarking on a series of exciting adventures.

Jack Wells

A few eventful years after his conflict with John Candy, Pullman grew weary of his life as a space adventurer. He decided to return to Earth once again, hoping that the whole 'Mexican invasion' thing had blown over. Before he returned, he brought John back to his creator, Dr Dre. Dre reworked Candy's image, and renamed the man/dog hybrid as 'Snoop Dogg'. Snoop went on to have a successful career in music, proving that a former mobster spliced with a dog can still make it big. Anyway, after arriving back on Earth, Bill Pullman once again changed his name. He was now known as Jack Wells. Bill managed to get a job as a local crocodile hunter in small lakeside town somewhere in the United States. Things went well for Pullman at first. He was loved and respected by the inhabitants of the town, and he was so good at his job all crocodiles feared him. He was almost as hated among crocodiles as the now-deceased bestiality enthusiast, Steve Irwin. Pretty soon, it appeared that the crocs had all but given up coming to the town. It seemed Pullman had won. However, unbeknownst to Bill, the crocs were simply biding their time. They too had employed the services of Dr Dre, and he had created for them another hybrid. This time, he had combined the famously over-weight singing meal, 'Meat Loaf' with a crocodile. The result was the most enormous and unbearable croc the world had ever known.

The crocodiles deployed this deadly weapon a few months later, testing it against a scientist who was fucking around in the water. 'Croc-Loaf' bit the scientist clean in half, causing much laughter as the poor man's torso flopped around for a bit. With the success of this test, the crocs were now ready to exact revenge against Bill Pullman.

Croc-Loaf and Pullman fought many battles, resulting in the deaths of over 10,000 cows. Finally, with the aid of several one dimensional colleagues, Bill was able to destroy Croc-Loaf by playing him one of his own songs. Croc-Loaf broke down into tears as he realised how much pain and suffering he'd caused over the decades. The sheer strength of this realisation caused Croc-Loaf to explode, splattering everything with slimy chunks of meat. After his titanic victory, Bill found true love in the arms of Bridget Fonda.