Chip
“I'm ten years old, but I'll beat his ass!”
“I don't know who Old Block is, but Chip is definitely one of his sons.”
“You ruined my page you bastards!”
“Sounds like somebody has a chip on their shoulder.”
“Whats That?”
Chip is a short form of the name William. It is often taken on by underachievers who fail to grow into a name eight letters long. This is often due to the daunting expectations of their father, Old Block. The original Old Block was a philosopher during the Age of Enlightenment who worked as Voltaire's editor for the novella Candide. Old Block, or as some call him, O.B. Wan Kenobie, was well versed in the metaphysical tenets of French enlightenment thinkers, who ripped off most of their ideas from Star Wars movies. These ideas included, but were not limited to, telekinesis, mind control, and of course, The Force.
Chip's Life[edit | edit source]
Chip was heavily influenced by his father during his early years, due to the fact that his mother died giving birth to him and six other boys, who together were the first sextuplets to survive natural childbirth in History. William Block adopted the name Chip because he looked the most like Old Block out of the seven boys. He attempted to be a great philosopher like his father, but failed the qualifying exams for entrance into the University at Nice. After failing to live up to his father's expectations, he started having fits of depression and developed a strong dependence on cognac. He moved to Reims and fell in love with a whore who gave him three children, and chlamydia. His children grew up to be beggars on the streets of Assissi. The youngest of the three died when he was run over by a horse-drawn carriage. The eldest two, Calvin and Hobbes, became inbred homosexuals and were the first subjects of a cloning experiment conducted by none other than Pope Gregory IV. The cloned "offspring" were sent to America in an attempt to overthrow the strongest democratic power in the world so the Illuminati and Black Royalty could once again rule the world. The plan failed though, as the cloned Calvin and Hobbes ended up in San Francisco dancing in a Burlesque Show called "Chippendales". Neither produced any more offspring, considering the fact that they, like their cloning agents, were inbred homosexuals.
Other Historical Chips[edit | edit source]
Encouraging Bear, or as he was known by the American frontiersmen, "Chip", was the spiritual advisor to Crazy Horse. Chip was a very wise man who helped Crazy Horse attain mental clarity and advised him to take on the Federal Government with bows and arrows. Before Chip's counselling, Crazy Horse was known as Relatively Sane Horse, but after he declared war on the US Federal Government, it became quite clear that he was, in fact, crazy. Chip thought it wasn't fair that they should have to move onto a reservation and open a casino, because he was a devout Mormon and didn't believe in gambling. Both Chip and Crazy Horse met their demise at the wrong end of a government standard issue rifle. They are buried on sacred Lakota land in South Lakota, which is currently covered by a shopping mall in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
Chip Douglas was born William Wallace, but after his father was killed in the Vietnam War and his mother remarried to Fredrick Douglas, he adopted his current surname. He attended school as long as it was compulsory, but his main interest was always watching television. He would one day realize his dream and take on a career as a cable man. Chip, or C.D. as his friends know him, is known to be somewhat psychotic and even stalker-esque, but if you befriend him, he will give you all of the pay channels for free (including porn). Chip doesn't only want to be your best friend, Chip is your best friend. If you are lucky enough to have him as your Cable Guy, you don't have to worry about downloading embedded viruses and Trojans when you download "16 hott cum shot girls" from Limewire onto your PC. With him as a friend, you can watch porn like normal people, on the pay channels, but this way you can do it for free.
Chip is the father in law of legendary race car driver Ricky Bobby. The only thing he ever did right was make a hot daughter, Karlee. His grandson Walker threw his War medals off a bridge, and his other Grandson, T.R. is jacked up on Mountain Dew constantly. Not much else is known about him, except that he has a bum leg that smells funny. According to his age, we can conjecture that he was invovled in World War II. Since his leg is hurt, we can also assume that he was on the beaches of Sicily fighting the Amazons from the Isle of Lesbos. The battle on the beaches of Sicily was the most important of Dubya-Dubya II and that is where we assume Chip's war medals were earned.