Integrated circuit

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Early model.

An integrated circuit (also called IC, computer chip, or God-damn computer) is a tiny magical object that makes computer nerds very rich. Nobody knows for sure how they work, but most people agree that they work best when their users are not under deadline pressure.

Integrated circuits can be found in nearly everything sold today, including televisions.

History of ICs[edit | edit source]

Integrated circuits were first discovered aboard the 1947 Roswell alien spaceship. Within 5 years of the crash, the first earth-based integrated circuits were manufactured. Because of government secrecy restrictions, however, these early devices were kept from the public. It was not until the invention of violent computer games that the government realized the usefulness of integrated circuits, and allowed them to be sold commercially.

Manufacturing[edit | edit source]

Chips everywhere!

Integrated Circuits are constructed primarily of sawdust and Rodney Dangerfield's chest hair, the same materials used to make breast implants. Retired strippers undergo mammoplasty surgery to extract the essential elements for IC manufacturing. Because of the high demand for ICs, the semiconductor industry created pole dancing and the Jerry Springer Show.

The extracted silicone is used to coat crunchy wafers, and then millions of tiny transistors are deposited onto the wafer through a process called making it. Next, an army of rats build nests of metal wires on top of the transistors to connect them. Finally, to allow people to peek inside of the IC, a layer of glass coats the top.

This glass layer also makes it easier to wipe grimy handprints off of the integrated circuit so one can see his own reflection.

Of course, the entire manufacturing process must be done in a sterilized environment and workers must shave all of their body hair and remove all fingernails, toenails, and their entire endocrine systems.

Finally, they eat white anti-contamination urinal cakes and enter the manufacturing area. This diet allows them to hallucinate comfortably while alien workers (who earn much less than their human counterparts) build the integrated circuits around them.

Complexity[edit | edit source]

The original ICs had very little on them, which explains why alien ships first crashed on Earth. These chips, called SSI (stupid-scale integration) had anywhere from 1 to 2 transistors.

MSI (moronic-scale integration) was the next generation of integrated circuits and had from 3 to 16 transistors.

LSI (lousy-scale integration) came next, which always had 17 transistors.

Recent years have seen the advent of the braggart generation of integrated circuits, starting with VLSI (very-lousy-scale integration) ULSI (unbelievably-lousy-scale integration) WSI (whatmeworry-scale integration),

Although these ICs were able to hold many millions of transistors, they are no longer in use because of Moore's Law. This law, created in 1965 by Gordon Moore, showed how every electrical circuit can be reduced to 17 transistors, thus allowing LSI circuits to be used.

A Rosy Future[edit | edit source]

With the defeat of the alien invasion, earth is now safe to develop integrated circuits without fear of patent-infringement lawsuits. It is expected that integrated circuits will soon become so popular that people will forget Elvis, Jesus, and the Beatles in that order. After that, we will have the capability to fly to other planets and terrorize them for a change.

See also[edit | edit source]