Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/January
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January 1: Break Half Your New Year's Resolutions Day
- 65M BC - For his new year's resolution, God promises to stop throwing giant meteors at Earth when upset.
- 1661 - Philip IV of Spain hopes his son will make him proud.
- 1812 - Napoleon Bonaparte vows not to start a land war in Asia.
- 1989 - Renowned ornithologist Arthur B. Magpie promises to stop fucking bird cloacas.
- 1994 - Ted Kaczynski says to himself, "This is my last letter bomb."
- 2012 - Whitney Houston promises to stop hoovering lines of cocaine like a roomba.
- 2024 - You hope that this year will be a good one, that you'll sort your life out for the better. Ha.
January 2: Official End of Festive Season Feeling Day
- 366 AD - Barbarians invade the Roman Empire and steal the secrets of the chorizo.
- 1865 - The Uruguayan War starts after Paraguay and Uruguay fights over whose capital gets to be called Montevideo.
- 1945 - Nuremberg, Germany is accidentally bombed during the preliminary hearings of the Nuremberg Trials, court is delayed for months.
- 1963 - Turning point in the Vietnam War when Charlie decides that hiding in the jungle was a pretty good strategy.
- 1967 - Governor of California, Ronald Reagan, sets the thermostat on Los Angeles to perpetually smoggy.
- 1971 - Richard Nixon signs a bill making it illegal to break into your political opponent's offices and steal their shit. Oops!
- 1993 - The Sri Lanka Navy's first aircraft carrier fails after it floats fifteen feet above the water.
January 3: Throw Tomatoes at Old People Day (Spain)
- 3 - First payday after Christmas, family breadwinners sigh and spend their money on cheap spirits.
- 1945 - Fascist era Spain creates holiday to cull old people and handle their tomato surplus at the same time (Pictured), evolves into a family-friendly holiday of public tomato throwing.
- 1948 - Mel Gibson is deported to Australia for abusing his freedom.
- 1974 - The Keebler Elves go on strike, claiming the working conditions in the tree are "inhumane", and demand a union. Ernie Keebler hires several Smurfs to scab in their place.
- 1992 - Nirvana releases "Come As You Are" as a single, amateur guitar players everywhere rejoice at having a song they can strum while playing Dungeons & Dragons.
- 2004 - CBS declares victory in the ratings war after crushing that "gay peacock" network.
January 4: International Schadenfreude Day
- 1666 - The Great Fire of London begins as the Christmas decorations are taken down too close to a naked flame.
- 1974 - The Second Coming of Christ faces serious setbacks almost a year after the Supreme Court rules on Roe v. Wade.
- 1995 - Neil Diamond is kidnapped and forced to listen to his own music for seven consecutive days by his captors.
- 2009 - California Adventure and UC Irvine sign a treaty, but because Irvine was too busy playing Pokemon during negations, no one is sure exactly what the agreement is about.
- 2017 - God or aliens or lizard people must have lots of fun watching our misfortune.
- 4579 - The first Twinkie expires, mutant Octopeople everywhere worry about their food supply.
January 5: Guillotine Day (France)
- 1789 - Joseph-Ignace Guillotin first proposes the idea of a simple cutting mechanism by which the heads of monarchist scum are efficiently detached.
- 1793 - Maximilien Robespierre, to speed up the long lines of people awaiting execution, designs a new guillotine based on Leonardo da Vinci's primitive helicopter designs.
- 1794 - Robespierre's severed head goes on to become the next Prime Minister of Belgium.
- 1977 - The last person to be execution by guillotine, Hamida Djandoubi, sells commemorative postcards to pay for his defense trial.
- 1996 - Georgia State Rep. Doug Teper is reelected on his promise to rename the guillotine the freedom slicer.
- 2003 - British scientists invent a hybrid lethal injection/guillotine device, by which the blade of a guillotine is replaced by a row of hypodermic needles.
January 6: Recover from Holiday Hangover Day
- 1839 - The Night of the Big Wind hits Ireland with gusts of flatulence, after the communal stew is laced with baked beans.
- 1929 - Mother Teresa arrives in India, ready to give starving peasants the food of life, Christ Jesus, which is more nourishing than any lentil.
- 1941 - Franklin D. Roosevelt gives his famous Four Freedoms Speech: freedom to yell at town halls, freedom to worship Jesus, freedom to eat lots of turkey, and freedom to fucking die.
- 1950 - The United Kingdom officially apologize for the heinous crime of stealing tea from China, but it's still too little too late.
- 2001 - Congress decides that George W. Bush is the rightful winner after a coin toss.
- 2010 - Uranus officially undergoes name change to avoid ridicule, henceforth called Urectum. (Pictured)
- 2011 - Urectum undergoes yet another name change to avoid new ridicule, will now be called Urmom.
- 2021 - Jesus worshippers living in America's ass invade the U.S. Capitol.
January 7: Black Karl Marx Day
- 698 - King Arthur has a white wine with his cottage pie instead of a red, the round table become concerned.
- 1608 - The settlement of Jamestown, Virginia burns down after a careless farmer leaves the smoking tobacco too close to the firewood.
- 1954 - The first demonstration of computer speech is performed in Georgetown University by an IBM machine, it says: suck it nerds
- 1959 - The U.S. Government sends Fidel Castro fifteen crates of the finest American cigars, which only look like live sticks of dynamite.
- 1989 - In response to allegations of class reductionism, the Democratic Socialists of America release the new and improved Black Karl Marx, now 40% more intersectional. (Pictured)
- 2012 - Pope Francis excommunicates the Vatican's fancy Pope throne in favor of a lame white chair, the peasants cheer, but God cries.
- 2017 - Black Karl Marx calls one of his female colleagues honeybun, is temporarily taken out of commission.
January 8: National Discrimination Day (U.S.)
- 8 - first ever January the 8th.
- 1815 - Andrew Jackson defeats the British in New Orleans, catching them by surprise while they're celebrating the peace treaty.
- 1828 - The Democratic Party is formed on the principles of looking respectable and competent while doing absolutely nothing else.
- 1942 - Henry Ford declares his allegiance to Adolf Hitler's dictatorship, repaints all Model T's white.
- 1964 - Lyndon B. Johnson declares a "War on Poverty", millions of poor people are mercilessly exterminated before Johnson clarifies, "That's not what I meant..."
- 2009 - Kellogg's continues to conquer the cereal market with smack (Pictured) after finally dropping the honey flavoring and just selling it straight up.
- 2010 - Scientists discover that stomach acid causes breast cancer, but only when digested. Sorry, Carlin.
- 1838 - So there's this photo of a town I took and I don't have the colors for it. So I guess you'll have to imagine yourself in a colored dimension...
- 1927 - Hey, guys. Gonna do some standup today. How's it going Denver, yeah, so my girlfriend, it's our, by the way it's our three year anniversary...
- 1930 - The SUN. Clap. The LIGHT tears my HEART into STRANDS. Clap. My FACE, ENGULFED in SHIT. Clap. I am ALONE. Alone. Alone...
- 1936 - Uh, you ever been, like, you ever been like on the bus, and like, uh, the uh.... So, this old dude, and he, and this was the funny part, he had den— dentures and I had a whole bucket of, oh God, excuse me....
- 1942 - So the U-R-L is, A-R-Y-A-N dash promise, except there's, uh, two s's, dot R-U slash resources slash the truth about almond milk dot H-T-M, with no spaces, again, that's A-R—
- 1950 - Women, can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em, amirite? You fuckers, you fucking millennial shitheads my shit is gold, I've been doing comedy since before you were a stain in your—
- 1967 - 🎝Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you.🎝 By now— who threw that!? Who threw that!?
- 49 BC - Julius Caesar crosses the Rubicon, he tries to turn back but the ferry is out of service on Fridays.
- 1776 - Thomas Paine publishes the pamphlet Common Sense, arguing that anyone who disagrees with American Independence should be institutionalized.
- 1810 - Napoleon Bonaparte and Empress Joséphine separate, she takes Prussia and half of France in the divorce.
- 1920 - World War I officially ends after Germany signs an affidavit promising "not to do this sort of thing" ever again.
- 1977 - Pac-Man is admitted to rehab due to a debilitating white pellet addiction.
- 1979 - Disco dies of a cocaine overdose, grunge soon to follow.
- 2015 - A funeral in Maine ends in tragedy as body is accidentally lowered into an open sewer.
January 11: Alexander Hamilton Day
- 1569 - English merchants propose a national game by which the poorest of society freely and willingly give their money to the rich with no hope of a reward; they call it a lottery.
- 1755 - Alexander Hamilton (Pictured), financial elitist, slave owner, serial adulterer and father of Wall Street, is born to a whore and a Scotsman; inspires overpriced musical for bougie liberals.
- 1879 - The Zulus defeat one British Redcoat unit with eleven Impi spearmen, British cry "no fair!" and reload save.
- 1922 - The first patented Diabetes treatment, a pair of rusty pliers used to excise the parts of the tongue that taste sweetness, is introduced to the general public.
- 1946 - Albanian dictator Enver Hoxha builds 750,000 bunkers not to keep Capitalist invaders away, but to see who cares enough to break them down.
- 2015 - Lin-Manuel Miranda is sentenced to hell for making a black guy dress up as Thomas Jefferson, which is like, three layers of wrong.
January 12: Politically Incorrect Bedtime Stories Day
- 1528 - King Gustav I of Sweden, after a Danish armchair of his breaks after only two hours of use, declares that all furniture sold outside of Sweden must be sold unassembled.
- 1907 - A baby Sergei Korolev, Soviet rocket scientist, is found hidden inside a stalk of corn by a poor farmer.
- 1966 - Lyndon B. Johnson declares America must stay in Vietnam till that whole Communism fad blows off.
- 1981 - The NAACP removes the "I have black friends who are okay with it" loophole for people without N-Word privileges, twenty-something white dudes riot.
- 2010 - An earthquake in Haiti kills over 100,000 people, wait, you already forgot about it? That's cold. I don't even think you donated.
- 2015 - Eighty-nine year old comedian Boz "Yellowface" Trillman cancels his long belated comeback after uproar at a joke about the differently abled.
January 13: Julius Caesar's New Year's Eve
- 45 BC - Julius Caesar celebrates New Year's thirteen days late, after everyone else is already done with that sort of thing, angering the Senate. (Pictured)
- 1610 - Galileo Galilei discovers the fourth satellite of Jupiter, but initially confuses it for a hemorrhoid.
- 1942 - Henry Ford gets a patent for his new automobile, which is 50% more Nazi than regular cars.
- 1996 - Annie Lennox accidentally breaks wind near a microphone, is immediately awarded two Grammys and a BRIT award.
- 1998 - Gay activist sets himself on fire in St. Peter's Square to protest the Catholic Church's condemnation of self-immolation.
- 2012 - Cruise ship Costa Concordia tips over on its side after a celebrity cooking class puts cream on their pasta carbonara.
January 14: Visit Your Imprisoned Relatives Day (North Korea)
- 1539 - Spain invents the Cubano, names Caribbean island Cuba in its honor.
- 1911 - Scottish Gaelic is smacked out of existence by a coalition of Scotland's concerned schoolteachers.
- 1945 - Adolf Hitler makes a demoralizing speech to the Wehrmacht, blaming the German people for not evolving an immunity to allied armaments.
- 1953 - Josip Broz Tito wins the 12th annual "Sexiest Dictator Alive" contest with his piercing glare.
- 1973 - Elvis Presley crash lands into Hawaii and spends his life there forever.
- 1977 - In act of utmost mercy and virtue, Eternal President Kim Il-sung allows family of pigdog dissidents indefinite visitation rights, through their own imprisonment. (Pictured)
- 2004 - Georgia, the country, changes their flag to resemble the flag of Georgia, the state, to confuse people even more.
January 15: Feast of the Two-Headed Yak (Ukraine)
- 1889 - Coca-Cola replaces cocaine in its formula with the milder caffeine, consumers complain, but without cocaine, they only end up being slightly anxious.
- 1919 - A giant tank of molasses in Boston, Massachusetts bursts and floods streets, killing 21. What makes their deaths any less tragic?
- 1967 - The first Super Bowl advertisements air on television. Since then, what was supposed to be "Football's Biggest Night" has always been nothing but advertisements.
- 1976 - Michio Kaku finds the perfect conditioner for his unique hair, sadly, it is banned everywhere except Estonia.
- 1977 - Martin Luther King Jr. spins in his grave, but not for any real reason, that's just a thing he does.
- 1987 - The two-headed Ukrainian Yak (B. grunniens chernobylian) emerges from the radioactive forest surrounding Pripyat, providing a useful source of protein to the people of northern Ukraine.
- 2001 - Wikipedia, the aggregate of all mankind's knowledge, goes online, first article is List of Power Rangers episodes.
January 16: Anniversary of the Bowel Movement (Djibouti)
- 9 AD - Something happened to some guy somewhere out there in the world.
- 1264 - For the first time in human history, a man is born twice.
- 1920 - The League of Nations not sure what to do with that Hitler fellow, decides to just let it be, he'll fizzle out in a week.
- 1930 - Mickey Mouse loses his license to Steamboat Willie after being caught transporting eleven illegal immigrants up the Timeless River. Walt Disney distraught.
- 1942 - Odds are that Hitler (Pictured) did something morally objectionable on this date.
- 1987 - Something performed by guys with poofy hair and makeup on was the number one song in America.
- 1983 - The day white people started to like Martin Luther King Jr.
January 17: Kick Pigeons in the Face Day
- 395 - The Eastern Roman Empire and the Western Roman Empire split after "insurmountable creative differences."
- 1918 - The Finnish Civil War begins after the Finns decide that they might as well get their Civil War done right away.
- 1945 - The Soviets liberate Warsaw from Nazi Germany, decide to adopt Poland as their own. Aww.
- 1946 - The UN Security Council wonders what the UK is doing there. It's just an island.
- 1961 - Dwight D. Eisenhower makes final speech warning America about the monster that lives in your closet.
- 1987 - The New York City Transit Authority sponsors a pigeon kicking holiday (Pictured) in response to the bird poop derailing all their trains.
- 2004 - The Doomsday Clock is set four minutes to midnight after scientists realize the time on their microwave is two minutes off.
January 18: French Armed Forces Day (France)
- 1778 - James Cook discovers the islands of Hawaii, names them the "Sandwich Islands": Cook is later killed by Natives after he declares the Taco to be a folded sandwich.
- 1886 - Field hockey is invented by hyper-insecure men who feel that gliding on ice is like, "totally gay."
- 1919 - During the Paris Peace Conference, the French Army give themselves the "Winner-est Winners" award, for having won the most in the conflict they have won.
- 1943 - The Polish city of Kraków is liberated by the Red Army, the Poles are surprisingly ungrateful for some reason.
- 1990 - Digital Underground's Humpty Dance becomes the No.1 song in America, listeners kill themselves in droves, having heard the voice of God.
- 2013 - To curb certain "unfounded" stereotypes of French people, France invades Northern Mali: troops immediately go on strike due to lack of hazard pay.
- 2024 - France surrenders. Though it is unclear who they surrendered to.
January 19: Porn for the Blind Day
- 8M BC - Monkeys evolve opposable thumbs, discover how to spank the monkey.
- 1340 BC - Egyptians create the first pornographic magazine, printed on papyrus, men claim they read it just for the hieroglyphs.
- 1850 - Nudist becomes billionaire after patenting photographs of people naked.
- 1450 - Johannes Gutenberg invents a press capable of printing tasteful centerfolds.
- 1968 - Blind porn is introduced, requiring the sight disadvantaged to keep both hands busy.
- 1971 - The first porno on VFHS is filmed, shows a mustachioed man cumming into a steaming bowl of macaroni and cheese.
- 1994 - First porn site developed, shows pictures of ASCII boobs: (.)(.)
- 2012 - The largest blind porn site, Blindfold, was shutdown by the FBI.
January 20: Act Like You Care About Politics Day
- 1265 - The first ever House of Parliament is convened, first item on agenda is, "Do the peasants have too much rights?"
- 1783 - Britain formally splits from the American Colonies after the Revolutionary War: Britain says, "you'll be back."
- 1789 - George Washington makes speech declaring himself eternal Godking of the 13 colonies, is brought back to his senses with a stiff drink and a good nap.
- 1953 - Senator Alfred "The Lorax" Ramsey introduces bill to Senate to save the endangered Truffula forest from the Onceler.
- 2017 - Donald Trump is inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States, satire dies a slow and painful death.
- 2021 - Donald Trump is expelled as Joe Biden makes his return as the 46th President, promising to reinstate the legality of satire but subsequently failing.
- 2025 - Robot Hitler is inaugurated as the 47th President, liberals immediately call for a hundred stern op-eds.
- 2065 - Barron Trump's floating brain becomes President, Americans wish for the simpler days of Mecha Hitler.
January 21: Drink Until It Stops Hurting Day
- 30 AD - Supply Side Jesus patents cure for leprosy, sells treatment for thirteen drachmas.
- 1503 - The first handgun is designed, launches the shooter's hands towards the enemy.
- 1781 - Benedict Arnold, tired of being called "Eggs Benedict" by George Washington, defects to the British.
- 1850 - Millard Fillmore installs the White House's first bathtub.
- 1954 - Leni Riefenstahl writes, directs and stars in propaganda film, "Both Sides Were Bad, M'Kay?"
- 1991 - First ever "Yo-Mama Joke" is told. Violent bitch-slaps shortly follow.
- 2017 - Millions of feminist activists and Antifa super soldiers march in the streets, murder innocent shop windows.
January 22: National Cover-Up Day
- 0 - The Messiah was definitely born to a virgin and not the result of a time-travel religion scheme.
- 1605 - Guy Fawkes was definitely not a secret Protestant double-agent trained to make Catholics look bad.
- 1914 - The squirrels had absolutely nothing to do with the assassination of Franz Ferdinand.
- 1952 - Adolf Hitler is obviously not swimming in the frozen Arctic sea as a merman after a radiation experiment gone wrong.
- 1977 - AIDS was not at all created by the FBI and pinned on the CIA after they won the inter-agency tennis match last summer.
- 2001 - The Twin Towers were definitely not brought down by the Swedish as revenge for all the shitty Ikea jokes.
- 2016 - The perfidious Russians never spent millions on Vermin Supreme's presidential campaign.
January 23: Being Cut Off in the Middle of a Sentence Day
- 1321 - Pope Francis admits that the Vatican is actually a dormant—
- 1953 - Communists Chinamen will spring a massive coup in fourteen—
- 1969 - NASA warns that alien invaders will attack the city of—
- 2005 - The CIA admits finally admits it killed—
- 2011 - D.B Cooper comes out of hiding, reveals his money is hidden in—
- 2013 - MIT discovers the secret to immortality. It's so simple. The one thing you should never do is—
- 2809 - Second Coming of Jesus! Jesus descends to Earth and—
- 3809 - Judgment Day! God says you can get into heaven by—
·41 AD - Roman emperor Caligula is skewered to death by his Praetorian bodyguards after he forgets their birthdays ten years in a row.
·1848 - A miner finds a whole vein of Bitcoins near Sacramento, California.
·1941 - Neil Diamond is born looking exactly like he does right now.
·1961 - A bomber carrying two H-Bombs crashes in North Carolina, irradiates state, no one notices as North Carolina is already filled with glowing mutant people.
·1970 - Computer nerds invent the computer, use only the colors green and black since they have no fashion sense.
·1972 - Japanese soldier found hiding in the jungles of Borneo, twenty-seven years after World War II ends: asks, "Is my mother dead yet?"
·1984 - Steve Jobs personally invents the Apple Macintosh (Pictured), which revolutionizes computing by introducing the color gray and something called a UI. Sounds lame.
January 25: Shit January's Almost Over? Day
- 1890 - Nellie Bly (Pictured) crosses the world in only 72 days, is faced with the nagging feeling that the stove might still be on the whole journey.
- 1949 - The first Emmy Awards are televised, audiences everywhere smash their television sets for "growing an ego."
- 1971 - Idi Amin wins upset election in Uganda after the other candidate is mysteriously shot forty-seven times in the back.
- 1995 - The Russians almost launch their nuclear weapons after mistaking an atmospheric missile for a giant middle finger.
- 1996 - The last man to be hanged in America, immediately regrets choosing to be hanged seconds after hanging.
- 1998 - Pope John Paul II visits Cuba, condemns the country for its human rights abuses after a mojito he ordered took "too damn long" to arrive.
January 26: Civil War Day
- 1850 - After months of grueling compromises, Congress manages to avoid Civil War by rescheduling it another eleven years or so. Someone else's problem.
- 1870 - After American Civil War, the process of reconstruction is well underway especially in Virginia, where slavery (with extra steps) is being reintroduced.
- 1874 - The surrender of Robert E. Lee to Ulysses S. Grant is commemorated in a special postage stamp (Pictured), which is sold for the ridiculously expensive price of 10¢.
- 1917 - The Russian Civil War is delayed another several months as both sides attempt to discern their ideological differences.
- 1918 - The Finnish Civil War starts after a disagreement over which color to feature in the Finnish flag, eventually, the Whites and Blues compromise.
- 1992 - Boris Yeltsin promises not to nuke any American cities after he forgets the keys to his Nuclear Football in a bar somewhere in Rostov.
January 27: International Bring Your Exotic Pet To Work Day
- 1776 - Thomas Jefferson, suffering from writers' block, brings his pet negro Toby to work, who writes the remaining 96% of the Declaration of Independence for him.
- 1933 - Adolf Hitler vows to destroy all Jews when his pet Jew sleeps with his girlfriend.
- 1945 - President Harry Truman let his Komodo Dragon press the big red button, authorizing the use of nukes.
- 1947 - Mahatma Gandhi takes his pet rhinoceros to a rally. Scares the British into leaving India.
- 1974 - The city of Brisbane gets flooded after Gough Whitlam's pet koala broke the river's banks.
- 1995 - Osama bin Laden trains his pet Orangutan to use AK47s and RPGs. Becomes mascot for terrorists all over the world.
- 2010 - Howard Zinn and J.D. Salinger die on the same day. They have a long-winded conversation about literature outside the Pearly Gates, boring and annoying everyone else in line.
January 28: Kill Baby Hitler Day
- 1813 - Jane Austen publishes her first novel, "You'll Have to Read This in 9th Grade", is instant bestseller.
- 1890 - Dozens of time travelers attempt to kill Baby Hitler, are stopped by those same time travelers after finding out world would be much worse.
- 1922 - The largest snowstorm in American history collapsed the Theater of Underpants, killing 98 people.
- 1956 - Elvis Presley scandalizes television after going full-frontal on the Ed Sullivan Show.
- 1965 - A maple leaf accidentally falls on a picture of the newly designed Canadian flag, is accidentally included after photocopies are sent.
- 1985 - Africans choose to starve rather than benefit from corny "We Are The World" song.
- 2016 - The CIA develop disease which turn third-world babies into abortions, call it Zika virus, redundant as alcoholism already exists.
January 29: Conservative Chic Day
- 1850 - Henry Clay introduces the "Great Compromise of 1850" to congress, which frees all slaves, but only on weekends.
- 1861 - Kansas is admitted into the union only because the country would look kinda weird with a Kansas-shaped gap in the middle of it.
- 1916 - Paris is bombed by German Zeppelins during World War I, French are amazed by the steampunk aesthetic.
- 2000 - Conservative columnist Ben Shapiro, world record holder for longest stay inside a locker, loses his virginity to an especially sensuous pair of tweed pants. (Pictured)
- 2009 - Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is sentenced to fourteen years in jail for misleading advertising after the Senatorship he was selling was only an assistant mayoral council seat.
- 2017 - Right-wing extremist shoots up a mosque in Quebec City, media condones the Muslim community for being divisive and not shooting themselves.
January 30: The Next Great American Novel Day
- 1835 - Richard Lawrence writes a novel about how he tried to kill Andrew Jackson. Entitled How I Tried to Shoot the President, it became the favorite of Jackson haters in the country.
- 1925 - Erudite socialite and on-and-off poet M. Masters Droob writes, These Days Will Last Forever, a loosely biographical coming of age tome about an erudite socialite and on-and-off poet.
- 1965 - Virginian author Jeronio P. McDullum writes his magnum opus, That Remains to be Seen: A Novel of Domestic Discontent, about a loveless marriage between an assistant professor and pugnacious spouse, who wouldn't know a novel from a novella.
- 1971 - Grizzled, white man's man author Smoker Ennis publishes a road trip anthology, I Fucked The Road; in the cover, he poses with the semi-automatic machine gun he will later use to take his own life.
- 1973 - Brundon Grishmald writes a 1,249 page novel about every single one of his sexual fetishes in excruciating detail, most people give up by page eighty-four.
- 2015 - Mariska Told writes a semi-autobiographical Roman à clef about the character defining experiences which paint the life of every American woman, like working at your dad's publishing firm or drunk texting your ex who moved to Long Island three years ago.
- 2017 - Bright young writer and future MacArthur fellow João Staines writes great work of literary import, you can tell from the tasteful misogyny and the nonsense similies.
January 31: National Ice Cream Day
- 201 AD - Ice cream is invented in Rome, but it quickly melts due to the lack of refrigerators, everyone is forced to slurp it.
- 1804 - French explorers with sensitive teeth steal the secrets of refrigeration from a tribe in north Africa, who they smear as filthy savages.
- 1819 - Heinrich Zoller creates a means to produce dots from ice cream, his recipe is later stolen by Samuel Dippin, who patents his invention and sells it inside malls.
- 1928 - Stalin re-invents ice cream and names it Stalin Cream, USSR rejoices but the American scum looses there underwear.
- 1979 - Ben and Jerry's "Popped Cherry" flavor ice cream is an initial hit with the young male demo, but sales ends in disappointment.
- 1991 - Dunkin' Donuts loses a hedge-trimming contest to Dairy Queen.
- 2000 - 88 lucky amusement park guests enjoyed the thrilling Alaska Roller Coaster Ride 261.
- 2009 - After a nationwide cat infestation, Ben & Jerry's introduces new "Litter Crunch" flavor.
- 2010 - James Cameron's ice cream based on the hit movie Avatar starts being sold, and somehow manages to sell even more than the movie itself.