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January 1: Break Half Your New Year's Resolutions Day

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Get back to work

January 2: Official End of Festive Season Feeling Day

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"Throw Coconuts at Old People Today" is less popular with people

January 3: Throw Tomatoes at Old People Day (Spain)

  • 3 - First payday after Christmas, family breadwinners sigh and spend their money on cheap spirits.
  • 1945 - Fascist era Spain creates holiday to cull old people and handle their tomato surplus at the same time (Pictured), evolves into a family-friendly holiday of public tomato throwing.
  • 1948 - Mel Gibson is deported to Australia for abusing his freedom.
  • 1974 - The Keebler Elves go on strike, claiming the working conditions in the tree are "inhumane", and demand a union. Ernie Keebler hires several Smurfs to scab in their place.
  • 1992 - Nirvana releases "Come As You Are" as a single, amateur guitar players everywhere rejoice at having a song they can strum while playing Dungeons & Dragons.
  • 2004 - CBS declares victory in the ratings war after crushing that "gay peacock" network.

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Don't call me names, don't take your pleasure from my pain...

January 4: International Schadenfreude Day

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After thousands of French people are guillotined, Robespierre can't help but find out what the big fuss is all about

January 5: Guillotine Day (France)

  • 1789 - Joseph-Ignace Guillotin first proposes the idea of a simple cutting mechanism by which the heads of monarchist scum are efficiently detached.
  • 1793 - Maximilien Robespierre, to speed up the long lines of people awaiting execution, designs a new guillotine based on Leonardo da Vinci's primitive helicopter designs.
  • 1794 - Robespierre's severed head goes on to become the next Prime Minister of Belgium.
  • 1977 - The last person to be execution by guillotine, Hamida Djandoubi, sells commemorative postcards to pay for his defense trial.
  • 1996 - Georgia State Rep. Doug Teper is reelected on his promise to rename the guillotine the freedom slicer.
  • 2003 - British scientists invent a hybrid lethal injection/guillotine device, by which the blade of a guillotine is replaced by a row of hypodermic needles.

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January 6: Recover from Holiday Hangover Day

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He really does look like Frederick Douglass

January 7: Black Karl Marx Day

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At least you'll lose some weight

January 8: National Discrimination Day (U.S.)

  • 1815 - Andrew Jackson defeats the British in New Orleans, catching them by surprise while they're celebrating the peace treaty.
  • 1828 - The Democratic Party is formed on the principles of looking respectable and competent while doing absolutely nothing else.
  • 1942 - Henry Ford declares his allegiance to Adolf Hitler's dictatorship, repaints all Model T's white.
  • 1964 - Lyndon B. Johnson declares a "War on Poverty", millions of poor people are mercilessly exterminated before Johnson clarifies, "That's not what I meant..."
  • 2009 - Kellogg's continues to conquer the cereal market with smack (Pictured) after finally dropping the honey flavoring and just selling it straight up.
  • 2010 - Scientists discover that stomach acid causes breast cancer, but only when digested. Sorry, Carlin.

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Happy hour is at 8, not 7

January 9: Open Mic Night Day

  • 1927 - Hey, guys. Gonna do some standup today. How's it going Denver, yeah, so my girlfriend, it's our, by the way it's our three year anniversary...
  • 1930 - The SUN. Clap. The LIGHT tears my HEART into STRANDS. Clap. My FACE, ENGULFED in SHIT. Clap. I am ALONE. Alone. Alone...
  • 1936 - Uh, you ever been, like, you ever been like on the bus, and like, uh, the uh.... So, this old dude, and he, and this was the funny part, he had den— dentures and I had a whole bucket of, oh God, excuse me....
  • 1942 - So the U-R-L is, A-R-Y-A-N dash promise, except there's, uh, two s's, dot R-U slash resources slash the truth about almond milk dot H-T-M, with no spaces, again, that's A-R—
  • 1950 - Women, can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em, amirite? You fuckers, you fucking millennial shitheads my shit is gold, I've been doing comedy since before you were a stain in your—
  • 1967 - 🎝Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you.🎝 By now— who threw that!? Who threw that!?

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January 10: It's Sunday Day

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If your favorite song isn't "Wait for It" I don't even want to breathe your air bitch

January 11: Alexander Hamilton Day

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"It was the cow who ate it!" There

January 12: Politically Incorrect Bedtime Stories Day

  • 1528 - King Gustav I of Sweden, after a Danish armchair of his breaks after only two hours of use, declares that all furniture sold outside of Sweden must be sold unassembled.
  • 1907 - A baby Sergei Korolev, Soviet rocket scientist, is found hidden inside a stalk of corn by a poor farmer.
  • 1966 - Lyndon B. Johnson declares America must stay in Vietnam till that whole Communism fad blows off.
  • 1981 - The NAACP removes the "I have black friends who are okay with it" loophole for people without N-Word privileges, twenty-something white dudes riot.
  • 2010 - An earthquake in Haiti kills over 100,000 people, wait, you already forgot about it? That's cold. I don't even think you donated.
  • 2015 - Eighty-nine year old comedian Boz "Yellowface" Trillman cancels his long belated comeback after uproar at a joke about the differently abled.

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"Caesar, it's the middle of January, there's no more fireworks!"

January 13: Julius Caesar's New Year's Eve

  • 45 BC - Julius Caesar celebrates New Year's thirteen days late, after everyone else is already done with that sort of thing, angering the Senate. (Pictured)
  • 1610 - Galileo Galilei discovers the fourth satellite of Jupiter, but initially confuses it for a hemorrhoid.
  • 1942 - Henry Ford gets a patent for his new automobile, which is 50% more Nazi than regular cars.
  • 1996 - Annie Lennox accidentally breaks wind near a microphone, is immediately awarded two Grammys and a BRIT award.
  • 1998 - Gay activist sets himself on fire in St. Peter's Square to protest the Catholic Church's condemnation of self-immolation.
  • 2012 - Cruise ship Costa Concordia tips over on its side after a celebrity cooking class puts cream on their pasta carbonara.

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Their suffering is over

January 14: Visit Your Imprisoned Relatives Day (North Korea)

  • 1539 - Spain invents the Cubano, names Caribbean island Cuba in its honor.
  • 1911 - Scottish Gaelic is smacked out of existence by a coalition of Scotland's concerned schoolteachers.
  • 1945 - Adolf Hitler makes a demoralizing speech to the Wehrmacht, blaming the German people for not evolving an immunity to allied armaments.
  • 1953 - Josip Broz Tito wins the 12th annual "Sexiest Dictator Alive" contest with his piercing glare.
  • 1977 - In act of utmost mercy and virtue, Eternal President Kim Il-sung allows family of pigdog dissidents indefinite visitation rights, through their own imprisonment. (Pictured)
  • 2004 - Georgia, the country, changes their flag to resemble the flag of Georgia, the state, to confuse people even more.

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New Yak Republic

January 15: Feast of the Two-Headed Yak (Ukraine)

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Adolf Hitler doing something naughty, probably

January 16: Anniversary of the Bowel Movement (Djibouti)

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January 17: Kick Pigeons in the Face Day

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The French finally manage to defeat their most pernicious enemy: the French

January 18: French Armed Forces Day (France)

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January 19: Porn for the Blind Day

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January 20: Act Like You Care About Politics Day

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I haven't left my house in two months

January 21: Drink Until It Stops Hurting Day

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Don't fucking move

January 22: National Cover-Up Day

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January 23: Being Cut Off in the Middle of a Sentence Day

  • 1321 - Pope Francis admits that the Vatican is actually a dormant—
  • 1953 - Communists Chinamen will spring a massive coup in fourteen—
  • 1969 - NASA warns that alien invaders will attack the city of—
  • 2005 - The CIA admits finally admits it killed—
  • 2011 - D.B Cooper comes out of hiding, reveals his money is hidden in—
  • 2013 - MIT discovers the secret to immortality. It's so simple. The one thing you should never do is—
  • 2809 - Second Coming of Jesus! Jesus descends to Earth and—
  • 3809 - Judgment Day! God says you can get into heaven by—

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January 24: Plain Text Day

·41 AD - Roman emperor Caligula is skewered to death by his Praetorian bodyguards after he forgets their birthdays ten years in a row.

·1848 - A miner finds a whole vein of Bitcoins near Sacramento, California.

·1941 - Neil Diamond is born looking exactly like he does right now.

·1961 - A bomber carrying two H-Bombs crashes in North Carolina, irradiates state, no one notices as North Carolina is already filled with glowing mutant people.

·1970 - Computer nerds invent the computer, use only the colors green and black since they have no fashion sense.

·1972 - Japanese soldier found hiding in the jungles of Borneo, twenty-seven years after World War II ends: asks, "Is my mother dead yet?"

·1984 - Steve Jobs personally invents the Apple Macintosh (Pictured), which revolutionizes computing by introducing the color gray and something called a UI. Sounds lame.

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"I should've called it 'Around the World in Two Days', see if you can do *that* you perfidious wench!" - Jules Verne, probably

January 25: Shit January's Almost Over? Day

  • 1890 - Nellie Bly (Pictured) crosses the world in only 72 days, is faced with the nagging feeling that the stove might still be on the whole journey.
  • 1949 - The first Emmy Awards are televised, audiences everywhere smash their television sets for "growing an ego."
  • 1971 - Idi Amin wins upset election in Uganda after the other candidate is mysteriously shot forty-seven times in the back.
  • 1995 - The Russians almost launch their nuclear weapons after mistaking an atmospheric missile for a giant middle finger.
  • 1996 - The last man to be hanged in America, immediately regrets choosing to be hanged seconds after hanging.
  • 1998 - Pope John Paul II visits Cuba, condemns the country for its human rights abuses after a mojito he ordered took "too damn long" to arrive.

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"Grant, your hands are really sticky. Please let go of me Grant. Grant."

January 26: Civil War Day

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Majestic, and very, very illegal

January 27: International Bring Your Exotic Pet To Work Day

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He'll grow out of it

January 28: Kill Baby Hitler Day

  • 1813 - Jane Austen publishes her first novel, "You'll Have to Read This in 9th Grade", is instant bestseller.
  • 1890 - Dozens of time travelers attempt to kill Baby Hitler, are stopped by those same time travelers after finding out world would be much worse.
  • 1956 - Elvis Presley scandalizes television after going full-frontal on the Ed Sullivan Show.
  • 1965 - A maple leaf accidentally falls on a picture of the newly designed Canadian flag, is accidentally included after photocopies are sent.
  • 1985 - Africans choose to starve rather than benefit from corny "We Are The World" song.
  • 2016 - The CIA develop disease which turn third-world babies into abortions, call it Zika virus, redundant as alcoholism already exists.

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So hard to get stains out of tweed

January 29: Conservative Chic Day

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The smell of stale cigarettes on my stubble, the imprints of past lovers wrinkling my floorbed. I take a swig of something brown, and I forget...

January 30: The Next Great American Novel Day

  • 1925 - Erudite socialite and on-and-off poet M. Masters Droob writes, These Days Will Last Forever, a loosely biographical coming of age tome about an erudite socialite and on-and-off poet.
  • 1965 - Virginian author Jeronio P. McDullum writes his magnum opus, That Remains to be Seen: A Novel of Domestic Discontent, about a loveless marriage between an assistant professor and pugnacious spouse, who wouldn't know a novel from a novella.
  • 1971 - Grizzled, white man's man author Smoker Ennis publishes a road trip anthology, I Fucked The Road; in the cover, he poses with the semi-automatic machine gun he will later use to take his own life.
  • 1973 - Brundon Grishmald writes a 1,249 page novel about every single one of his sexual fetishes in excruciating detail, most people give up by page eighty-four.
  • 2015 - Mariska Told writes a semi-autobiographical Roman à clef about the character defining experiences which paint the life of every American woman, like working at your dad's publishing firm or drunk texting your ex who moved to Long Island three years ago.
  • 2017 - Bright young writer and future MacArthur fellow João Staines writes great work of literary import, you can tell from the tasteful misogyny and the nonsense similies.

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Take a chill pill, brah

January 31: National Ice Cream Day

  • 201 AD - Ice cream is invented in Rome, but it quickly melts due to the lack of refrigerators, everyone is forced to slurp it.
  • 1804 - French explorers with sensitive teeth steal the secrets of refrigeration from a tribe in north Africa, who they smear as filthy savages.
  • 1819 - Heinrich Zoller creates a means to produce dots from ice cream, his recipe is later stolen by Samuel Dippin, who patents his invention and sells it inside malls.
  • 1928 - Stalin re-invents ice cream and names it Stalin Cream, USSR rejoices but the American scum looses there underwear.
  • 1979 - Ben and Jerry's "Popped Cherry" flavor ice cream is an initial hit with the young male demo, but sales ends in disappointment.
  • 1991 - Dunkin' Donuts loses a hedge-trimming contest to Dairy Queen.
  • 2009 - After a nationwide cat infestation, Ben & Jerry's introduces new "Litter Crunch" flavor.

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