Enver Hoxha
| His Excellency, Endor Cock Spa |
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| Enjoys: murder, rape, torture, and Saturday morning cartoons. |
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| Birth Date: The Universe began when Premier Enver was born |
| Eye Colour: Deep, glorious communist-Albanian red! A true proletarian optic nerve! |
| Party: In my pants |
| Childhood Idol: L. Ron Hubbard |
| Favourite Song: Big Bottom-Spinal Tap |
| Favourite Food: gruel |
| Favourite Programme: 700 Club |
“Albania is the greatest country on earth...seriously....STOP LAUGHING!”
“His brilliant reforms tuned Albania from a hell hole to an ass hole”
“I'll have to smite his ass for not believing in me”
“You're not welcome here.”
Enver Hoxha (16 October 1908 – 11 April 1985) was the leader of Albania from the end of World War II until his death in 1985, as the First Secretary of the Party of Labour of Albania. He also served as Prime Minister of Albania from 1944 to 1954, Minister of Defense from 1944 to 1953, Minister of Foreign Affairs from 1946 to 1953, Chairman of the Democratic Front from 1945 to his death, and as Commander-in-Chief of the Albanian armed forces from 1944 to his death.
A Tyrant is Born[edit | edit source]
Enver Dennis Milhous Hoxha was born to Dick and Jane Hoxha in the small Chicago suburb of Moline. Life was normal for young Ennie. He lived a happy and comfortable childhood. Yet, as he grew older, he began to reject his bourgeois trappings. By the age of ten he became a radical Marxist. He was well known for haranguing his fellow classmates about the coming people's revolution, yet he was ridiculed as a buffoon. "Just wait!" young Enver said, "one day I will be the all powerful all knowing leader of a small, backward Balkan country where I will crush all my opponents and my people will eat dirt yet they will be forced to adore me under penalty of death!". Enver's attempts to form a People's Tribunal to try the Principal and his English literature teacher for giving him a D in her class was the last straw.
Enver was expelled from school. Growing concerned with their son's hobby in class struggle, Dick and Jane decided to send their young soldier of the revolution, to a more sedate and tranquil setting. To work the fields and smell the fresh air of the country, so they sent him to Albania
The Glorious Reformation of Gloriousness[edit | edit source]
Starring proudly at his new paranoid hate-nation, Hoxha signed the constitution he had written himself which required 0% approval to become law. The constitution stated that "All citizens are required to offer up their worldly possessions and pussies to premier Hoxha." As well as gave the Sigurimi unlimited power to drive faster than the posted speed limit. Hoxha also declared that every day ending in the letter y was "worship Enver Hoxha day." Hoxha than proceeded to start a program of using Albania's economy to positively reconstruct the country, including buying a solid platinum and diamond palace for himself with special velvet lined sex rooms for his concubines. These reforms caused the Albanian net worth to drop to 1 Zlotzkyc, which is about $ .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 in U.S. dollars.
Eventualy, the frustrated the Albanian people tried to move to Turkmenistan, a land of milk and honey in
comparison to Albania. Fearing that he would lose the country's three remaining smart people, Hoxha wrote a law that required that anyone wishing to leave the country pass through the bureaucracy of death.
Hoxha's Bureaucracy (Danger-Do not read if you are pregnant or suffer from stroke or heart attack, consult your logical friend before reading!)[edit | edit source]
To exit the country, Albanian citizens first had to submit a essay stating why the country is better off without them without using the letter e to the Ministry of Essay-Receiving, which sent it to the Ministry of Essay-Reading, which sent it to the Ministry of Essay-Grading, (not affiliated with the Ministry of Essay-Reading.) But, for any of this to happen, the citizen had to first send a cash bribe to the Ministry of Receiving Bribery, which sent it to the Ministry of Processing Bribery, which sent it to the Ministry of Distributing Bribery, which sent it to the all-important Ministry of Embezzling Bribery. Each time an item is sent from one Ministry to another, it requires another bribe. If the the Ministry of Essay-Grading decides to give the citizen a pass grade for some reason, the request goes to the Ministry of Grading Essays, who is not to be confused with the ministry of Essay-Grading. They will give the essay a totally different grade, and if that randomly generated grade happens to pass, the request is finally sent Ministry of Meaningless Weekly Contests, where the citizen is entered into a weekly drawing. If they win, which they won't, the request is sent to the Ministry of Procrastination, which leaves it laying on their desks as they play World of Warcraft and sleep. Eventualy, if the Ministry of Procrastination gets around to it, the request is sent to the Ministry of Misinterpreting Requests, which sends it to several of the meaningless ministries including the Ministry of Lunar Affairs, the Ministry of Wombat Clubbing, the Ministry of Magic and the Ministry of Silly Walks. These ministries are brought to you by the Ministry of Creating Useless Ministries. Of course to even theoretically reach this point in the bureaucratic process, the citizen must pay up to ten trillion U.S. dollars and wait up to 27 years for their request to even make it out of the Ministry of Procrastination. On the off chance they manage to get their complaint to the right people however, the Ministry of Confusing Paperwork and the Ministry of Lazy and Incompetent Ministry Workers will make sure that the request is so misinterpreted and contradictory, that the citizen will be sent a gift basket of rat shit from the Ministry of Distributing Animal Feces to the People.
Of course if any citizen wastes a Ministry's time with their frivolous requests, their name is immediately sent through the Ministry of Procrastination to the Ministry of Death, which includes the sub-branches for purging and terror including Sigurimi and the Council of Starvation and Disease, which includes the Committee of Crop Destruction, the Locust Importation Bureau, and the Society of Quack Doctors. Once the Ministry of Death receives the target after the name has been sitting around for 12 years or so in the Ministry of Procrastination, the Council for Making Up Bullshit Laws convenes and comes up with a silly law to warrant the arrest of that citizen. The Sigurimi then purges the offender and his body is sent to one of the busiest ministries, the Ministry of Corpse Disposal which includes the Sub-councils of Grave-digging and Corpse-hauling. It was said that Enver Hoxha hired the Vogons to design his bureaucracy system. The system was so inefficient and corrupt, that you usually died of old age before the Sigurimi could learn your name and kill you.
The Albanian bureaucracy was dramatized in the 1982 film "Escape from Albania" which featured Kurt Russell attempting to emigrate from Albania. The film was canned by American critics because it was just two hours of Russell waiting in line and filling out forms.
The Death of Enver Hoxha[edit | edit source]
While all of his people were struggling to acquire toilet paper from the Ministry of Ignoring Requests, Enver Hoxha himself was slowly being driven insane because his shipment of Albanian porn had accidentally been sent to the Ministry of Illiteracy, which failed to note the official seal of the Premier on the box and sent it to the Ministry of Sex Maniacs, who found the porn so hot that they refused to give up the box to the authorities. Deprived of his precious jackoff fodder, Hoxha retreated to his underground security bunker, legally changed his name to Machete, and acquired a deep fear of pants. In his insanity, Hoxha ordered the Sigurimi to kill all of the country's brain surgeons. Unfortunately, Hoxha then caught brain cancer the next month and was rushed to the hospital. Even more unfortunately, the driver of Hoxha's ambulance had been trained at the Ministry of Misguided Ambulance Drivers and dropped Hoxha off at the Ministry of Procrastination. Assuring Hoxha that they will remove his growing tumor tomorrow, the ministry workers allowed Hoxha to die while they watched Monday Night Football. However, Hoxha was so popular in his country among Albanians who didn't want to get purged, that his remains were not sent to the Ministry of Corpse Disposal and instead sent to the Ministry of Puppetry where the corpse was attached to strings like a marionette and a ventriloquist was hired to make words come out of Hoxha's decaying mouth. That is why Enver Hoxha is still ruler of Albania despite the fact that he's dead.
Hoxha's Reforms at a Glance[edit | edit source]
- Made dying illegal with the death penalty as punishment
- Required that all citizens change their names to Pippi Longstockings
- Made gay marriage, abortion, and clean air cars legal, Albania isn't some hellhole like the United States after all.
- Made Bruce Campbell's birthday a state holiday, requiring all citizens to sing hymns honoring the future ruler of the earth.
- Required all citizens to smile 24 hours a day, also legalized the incredibly painful surgury to make this possible.
- Made breathing and sleeping illegal and subject to heavy fines.
- Helped the environment by making all cars or industries illegal, along with farting.
- Rocked the Casbah.