HowTo:Pull The End of the World Prank

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~ Mayans

The end of the world prank is the worst kind of prank possible, yet the most satisfying. It is prank for any future civilizations, in case our civilization goes extinct.

Requirements[edit | edit source]

  • One sufficiently advanced civilization to observe cosmic bodies and precisely calculate their trajectories
  • Sufficiently advanced civilization gone
  • Another, not-so advanced civilization to experience the prank

The Prank[edit | edit source]

It seems that very small percentage of population believes that any end of the world prophecy is possible. To teach them a lesson, we need real prophecy from time to time. So they could go laughing about it all day until we laugh the last. We have this right, because we would be extinct anyway.

First, with our oh-so capable instruments find a doomsday asteroid which is going to hit earth after we are gone. The bigger, the better. Maybe even planet with insane elliptical orbit. In technical terms, anything capable of fuck-o-blast.

Second, create prophecy material which would last enough time. Carve it into some stones, get funding for some pyramids with right amount of steps, do non-decimal calendar systems, surround it with insane and stupid myths suitable for feeble minds of next civilization.

Third, go extinct.

Outcomes[edit | edit source]

The best possible outcome[edit | edit source]

Next generation of mutants rise from your ashes, learn to speak and understand patterns, develop their culture and technology. One day some loonies find your predictions and try to warn and educate everyone about them. Predictions are good, so good part of population become loonies and spread this information around. At some point everyone knows about incoming doomsday, yet no one really believes it. Movies are made, books are written, kids are burned, so it becomes cultural phenomenon. When the day comes, everyone gathers to celebrate the Nonsense Day and dies.

“I told you so!”

~ Mayans

The impossible outcome[edit | edit source]

Next generation of bipedal humanoids rise from your ashes, learn to speak and understand patterns, and find your stones, pyramids and myths. Their belief systems get formed around your stupid myths, which makes them miserable and apathetic. They know their doomsday day so well, that all their time living on earth for several thousands of years is spent waiting for The Day to come. Several minutes before it happens all civilization commit collective suicide, but asteroid just misses the earth.

“Die, suckers!”

~ Mayans

How to ensure that prank is going to happen[edit | edit source]

Asteroids are hard to find. Good enough asteroids don't come flying to earth every day, so that complicates the matter. However, prank can be ensured several ways:

Instead of asteroid, launch atomic bomb into the orbit[edit | edit source]

This is our chance after we are gone, so why settle for some asteroid? Just launch our complete nuclear arsenal into the huge orbit for a joke.

Pimp it up[edit | edit source]

Since you don't know the exact time when next civilization is going to form, launch several thousand atomic bombs into orbits and create several thousand calendars.

“Oh come on, so many calendars, how can first one be bad?”

~ Unfortunate reasonable sentient being

Have your trademark[edit | edit source]

"Oh shit, we are doomed!"

For better effect, plant atomic bombs under moon's surface to explode few days before apocalypse into smiley face.

How it can all go wrong[edit | edit source]

Any prank has probability of going wrong. When the prank scale is whole civilization, wrong can be very wrong.

We don't go extinct[edit | edit source]

That would be just a bummer. Obviously, prank is impossible if that happens.

We don't go extinct and forget that it is our prank[edit | edit source]

“Don't press the "forget" button!”

Talk about stepping on the rake big time... At least we would only have ourselves to blame...

“I did it!”

~ God

Shut up.

This is The End, my only friend, The End...
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