1927 was the best year in the best decade in the best century ever! In particular, six past four on the nineteenth of April, 1927g is considered to be the high point of Human Civilization. It's all been downhill from there.
Months of 1927
Befitting its unique status, 1927 had special months made up for it by Oscar Wilde: Ultrajanuary, Magnus, Intensity, Great, Golden, Megajuly, Powermarch, and Nowvember. The Best Week Ever also occurred in 1927: it was the second week of Megajuly. The week was so awesome that the next week nobody ever did anything for the third week of Megajuly because everyone was so worn out after all the awesomeness. The days in 1927 were numbered non-sequentially, and everybody in that wonderful year was smart enough to figure it out. 1927 was so awesome that the National Bird was the Exocet missile.
Things of Interest
- 18th Ultrajanuary - First Transatlantic telephone call. President Calvin Coolidge calls King George V and asks if his refrigerator is running. There followed a twenty minute delay whilst His Britannic Majesty put on his slippers and walked to the Buckingham Palace kitchen and back. He then informed Coolidge that his fridge was, indeed, running; whereupon Coolidge quipped 'well you'd better go catch it then!'. Eyewitnesses report that Coolidge then laughed so hard that he squirted Grape Nehi out of his nose.
- 5th Ultrajanuary - Infuriated by this, King George VI consults Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin, who advises immediate war against the United States. British troops pour over the border from Canada and march on Washington DC. The Americans are too busily occupied in flag-pole sitting, Charlestoning, marathon dancing, playing mah-jongg and mini-golf to react. The British forces capture Coolidge, and take him in irons to Britain to stand trial.
- 10th Antijanuary - Rapture Occurs. However, things are so great in 1927 that no one wants to go to Heaven.
“Well, that's just great”
- 6th Febutober - British opposition leader Ramsey MacDonald denounces the war, saying that the King should have responded by doing the 'burning bag' trick to the White House. His remarks are widely ignored throughout Britain.
- 103rd Febutober - TV invented by Rudolf Valentino.
- 6th Febutober reprise - Lenin misunderstands the nature of the television and announces to the people of Russia that there is a new invention that 'watches you'. Surprised by this, Stalin invents the KGB.
“In Soviet Russia, Television watches YOU!!!”
- 32nd Febutober - New President Herbert Hoover - considered by many historians to be the only US President to have an alliterative name (there were others, but they weren't special enough) - issues an ultimatum to Britain, demanding humane treatment and a fair trial for Coolidge. The King responds by going to Coolidge's cell and punching him in the teeth, before loading the jury with royalist sycophants. Hoover expresses his vexation.
- 0.5th Spocktober - The Chinese Nationalists defeat an insurgent force of Chinese Communists. What surprises everyone is that this conflict takes place in Wales.
“No, don't mind us, boyos; we could use the entertainment, bach.”
- 1st Spocktober - Pope Benedict XVI born. Of course, back then his name wasn't Benedict XVI; it was Marion Morrison. Pope Pius XI learns that a child has been born that will one day supplant him, and he orders the Swiss Guard to kill all the newborn male babies in Bavaria.
- 17th Spocktober - Vitaphone invented. It is first used to record the 'confession' of a visibly bruised Calvin Coolidge.
- 21th Spocktober - Australian Parliament is moved to Canberra, for reasons that must have made sense at the time.
- 67th Spocktober - Sacho and Vanzetti executed. This sentence is vigorously opposed by people who like murderers.
- 503rd Spocktober - Following the death of Lenin, Winston Churchill is appointed Premier of the Soviet Union.
“What the Hell?”
- 3½th Julicious - In what the King of Russia remarks on as a "Shocking current event", Nikola Tesla invents insulated fork for use in jammed toasters.
- 67th Jenny-May - Annoyed by Stalin's constant taunts, Trotsky flees to Mexico
“He's always picking on me!”
- 21st Spocktober - Gerald Ford unveils the Model A Ford; falls over.
- 5th Novolicious - In a desperate attempt to prevent the trial of Coolidge, Charles Lindbergh loads his plane with explosives, intending to crash it into Buckingham Palace. The Royal Air Force gets wind of this plot and cunningly disguises Britain as a stretch of the Atlantic Ocean. Confused, Lindbergh flies on to Paris, where he crashes into the Eiffel Tower, destroying it and blowing up the Airship Hindenburg, which was moored to the tower's top. Since then, every year the British celebrate Charles Lindbergh Night, in which they let off fireworks and burn effigies of Lindbergh and his plane on bonfires, whilst chanting:
- Remember, remember the 5th of Novolicious
- Exploding aeroplanes and plot
- Also the Hindenburg blew up
- Oh, the Humanity! ...ot!
- 3rd Novolicious - The Chilean-Argentine Civil War comes to an end when military leaders realise that Chile and Argentina are, in fact, two different countries.
“Under these circumstances, a civil war is not only impractical, it's unfeasible”
- 19th Dec-O-Mite! - The long awaited trial of Calvin Coolidge begins. Coolidge pleads guilty on one charge of 'annoying the King really badly' and another charge of 'resisting invasion'. In his defense, he claims that his telephone prank was 'really, really funny.' This does not impress the Judge who, in his summing up, said 'the full force of the law seems barely sufficient to punish this wicked crime. I therefore choose to exceed my authority by several orders of magnitude, and sentence you do be tied to a hydrogen balloon and released into the stratosphere, until such time as you are deemed rehabilitated.' Sentence was carried out within the hour, before cheering crowds in Trafalgar Square. This is also why historians don't consider him special enough to be an alliterative president. Now all we have left to do is figure out what condemned Woodrow Wilson and Ronald Reagan to the same doom.
- 18th Dec-O-Mite! - Herbert Hoover condemns the trial of Coolidge as 'unfair and unjust' (though he concedes that the execution was 'pretty cool'). As vengeance against the British, he issues an Executive Order, requiring any American who meets a Briton to immediately launch into an awful attempt at a cockney accent.
- 25th Dec-O-Mite! - Christmas! Everyone gets what they want from Santa, except for Adolf Hitler, who gets socks.
People Born in 1927
- Jimmy Olsen - The scrappy little guy who helped Superman by constantly stepping in the way of Lex Luthor's kryptonite weapons.
- Tom Bosley - The scrappy old geezer who helped Jessica Fletcher by restraining his urge to throttle her.
- Leopold Perkins - Someone you've never, ever heard of and yet who was still unaccountably Time Magazine's Man of the Year for 1954.
- Eartha Kitt - Yeah, she was like a singer or something... I think she was on the old Batman show...
- Nikola Kljusev - Uh...
- Ken Russel - Okay, I know this one. He's that British director who made a bunch of unwatchable movies. What's that? Which British director to make a bunch of unwatchable movies? Uh... I'll look into it.
- Toot Braunstein - Former sex symbol from Germany and star of Drawn Together.
- Coolidge, Calvin. That is all.
^ The British are notoriously bad at rhyming couplets.
Every Piece of Southern Literature Ever Written
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1927a - 1927i