Andromeda
In Greek mythology, Andromeda was an Aetheopian princess, daughter of Cepheus and Cassiopeia, wife of Perseus, and great-grandmother of Hercules. According to the story, she was chained to a rock to be fed to a sea monster as punishment for something her mother said, until Perseus rescued her. There might have been a not-at-all subtle Disney movie about her. If not, we can only imagine. Some stories tell a slightly different story of the princess, and suggest that it was she who wanted to go after the goddess Thetis for being such a stuck up bitch. She accompanied Perseus in his quest to find Medusa. But was left behind for unknown reasons, having to return home to face the Kraken. This of course was rightfully scoffed at. One was a doom of possibly being turned into stone and the other doom, being grabbed, dragged through the ocean to drown before being chomped to bits. Honestly the option of being killed by Medusa really wasn't so bad when one thought about it. Andromeda was feisty. She broke up with her boyfriend, the rat bastard son of Thetis because he sucked so bad. And having a mother-in-law like Thetis caused Andromeda to actually welcome death. Medusa, Kraken, it's all the same.
Yet the princess was very lucky. A handsome man who was strong and attractive had fallen in love with her. And he would do anything to save her from the jaws of death. Or the eyes of shocking disaster. Or the psycho would-be mother-in-law. She would have had to face a life of despair had the ex-boyfriend not been cursed by Zeus. It was the mercy of Zeus that saved her first before the following events saved her even more. Andromeda was always needing saved. A fact of which she herself has lamented because she really wanted to kick all their asses and the mercy of Zeus was an illusion. He didn't set out with the goal to save Andromeda, he was just extremely pissed off at her insane boyfriend. The reasons were justified, but Andromeda had little to do with any of it. In fact she suggested to sign an NDA to distance herself from all of these people, and gods. And goddesses too. Fuck all of them was her opinion on the matter.
Myth[edit | edit source]
The drama started when Queen Cassiopeia tweeted that her daughter Andromeda was more beautiful than the Nereids, a bunch of nymphs that liked to hang out with Poseidon. The sea god eventually saw this tweet mentioned on TMZ and became so pissed off that he sent a sea monster to ravage the coastlands as his own spiteful "neener neener".
Desperate, King Cepheus sought legal advice from his Jewish lawyer, Noah Goldstein, who informed him that Poseidon was well within his rights as a god to send a monster. However, Goldstein found a loophole in that the monster could be appeased if Cepheus sacrificed his virgin daughter to it. Faced with no other options, Andromeda was to be chained naked to a rock, waiting to be eaten. Presumably Andromeda's clothes were removed, either to prevent the beast choking on handmade textiles, or Cassiopeia had mind to put her daughter's belongings on eBay. Fortunately, Andromeda was quicker than the soldiers and she removed their clothes and armor causing them to run and hide. She of course had to chain herself up, and was very visibly annoyed.
Meanwhile, the mighty Perseus, finishing cutting off the head off snakey Medusa, heard the news about Andromeda and rushed to her rescue. He found her, exhausted royalty chained up like every rapist's fantasy and about to die in the jaws of a beast. Perseus did the noble thing and saved her life by whipping out Medusa's living head and turning the monster into stone as it emerged out of the sea to claim lunch. Perseus would soon take Andromeda as his wife, but not before running into a small quarrel involving her Uncle Phineus already having dibbs on her. Fortunately, Perseus repeated his Medusa trick and turned Phineus into stone, thus averting the potential of this Greek myth becoming an Alabamian tragedy. The Joppans had caught onto the trick and ripped out Medusa's eyes. Cassiopeia mourned her loss by becoming a Country singer with such hits as Stand By Your Stone and That's the Danger With A Stranger With Another Woman's Head in his Bag.
Andromeda would go on to have lots of babies and die an old lady, warm in her bed. This was of course not what she planned. After her death, she was immortalized by becoming the constellation known as Andromeda. Naturally. Perseus also received his own constellation, complete with an en-suite bathroom and a view of Olympus.
Meanwhile, despite rumors of his liberation, Prometheus remains chained to his rock. You can pay tickets to see the bird eat his liver out in person for a reasonable price, or you can watch a free low-resolution version of it on YouTube.
Breaking up with the son of the Goddess Thetis[edit | edit source]
Calibos was the son of the goddess Tetis, and he was a brat from Hell. When he met Andromeda, she was sparring with some giant locust creature, and so he stepped in and tried to show off. When she tried to explain that it was a trained bug and that it wouldn't actually harm her, he decided to smash it anyway by throwing himself at it and body slamming it. He had bug guts all over himself. Andromeda threw down her wooden sword and walked off shaking her head. He came up behind her and introduced himself. When he told the princess that he was a half god, she told him that she was a peasant and not to bother her. Of course he knew she was a princess and somehow convinced her that she had to marry him because of his status.
When Andromeda went to her mother Cassiopeia and told her about Calibos, she was really hoping her mother would not give any blessings to it. Unfortunately her mother immediately jumped to the conclusion that she should marry a half-god instead of a non-god. Andromeda mused "Well, what about a full-god? Why can't I meet Apollo, or Ares, or Jesus?" Cassiopeia replied that Jesus was technically a half-god too. So Andromeda went to the temple of Apollo and asked him if he was busy. When he appeared, she offered up some packages of chewing gum, a Rubik's Cube, and a small request to go to the prom with her.
Apollo was charmed but he was busy. Andromeda then asked Ares if he was busy but, for some reason his psychic abilities foresaw her being somehow involved with snake-haired ladies and he ran away and some chicken that was with him, ran too. When Andromeda went to Jesus, she offered to bring him three wise men, a barrel of fish, and a very large vat of wine. When he told her that he already had three wise men and had since added nine more, and had already performed those gourmet tricks, whilst walking on water and escaping from a tomb on top of that, she was disappointed. She would have to go back and deal with Calibos.
Calibos had been waiting for her in his palace and had a candlelit dinner made, some Barry White Best Of record playing and was dressed in a silky robe and bunny slippers. She sat down and wondered what he cooked. It appeared to be more locusts. She screamed and told him that she could never be his wife because he bugs her. Literally. That's when Thetis appeared and tried to talk to Andromeda about how wonderful her son was. Of course Thetis was holding a couple of severed heads and was casually swinging them around making Andromeda sick.
After the princess was done barfing on Thetis, the record scratched and stopped and the candles were blown out by a gust of wind. Thetis disappeared and Calibos found himself being tripped by Andromeda's foot as she got a hold of his neck and pointed a knife at him. He was terrified but she dropped the weapon and ran out crying. She told her mother that she had broken up with Calibos. Her mother was in shock and refused to accept reality, but it wasn't until Zeus himself cursed Calibos for reasons unrelated to Andromeda that her mother finally accepted that she was not going to marry him. After seeing his disfigurement, Cassiopeia said "Okay, okay! Fine." Her daughter's response was "Don't even get me started."
Cursed with sleepwalking[edit | edit source]
Calibos was very upset about being turned into a dinosaur-horse-lizard-demon that couldn't fly, so he cursed Andromeda. Cursing Zeus was counterproductive in his brain but he lacked imagination and knew that if he tried anything Zeus might have added some Italian flavoring to the curse already inflicted on him. Like making him look like an Italian dinosaur-horse-lizard-demon, for instance.
The curse he inflicted Andromeda entailed having her sleepwalk back to his lair, since he had to relocate to the Marshlands where his kind were normal. He captured and fed a giant vulture that he trained to be a carrier pigeon of sorts. Fetching Andromeda in a giant birdcage in a bizarre role reversal between humans and birds. Calibos was making a statement with that embellishment, because he could have easily fetched her by using his mother's powers to simply pick up a little figurine of her and drop her off at his location. Thetis was already doing that to Perseus anyway. Which was stupid on the goddess's part because she inadvertently helped Andromeda be saved by Perseus when the whole fucked plan involving Medusa came into play. It has been said of Thetis; What a dumbass bitch!
The curse of sleepwalking was an effective way to have Andromeda learn new riddles for every suitor that would come seeking her hand, or to date her. The riddles were mainly about Calibos and so after so many attempts someone would catch on, but Calibos ordered that anyone who failed at answering the riddle should be torched. Andromeda refused to attend the torchings and took a crash course in lucid dreaming since the riddles that she spoke of were (to her) something she dreamed about. She almost had it down, so that she could thwart Calibos and speak the riddle and then answer it her own self and wanted so much to be able to tell a riddle, pause, and dramatically pivot around, answer the riddle herself and shout; I answered your fucking riddle and now I get to take myself on a date and I will choose some random guy to go with me, and fuck you Calibos!
But Andromeda never got to that point because at about that time, Perseus had been hanging around. He had been spying on Andromeda, and Calibos, and Joppa in general. Had Joppans been sharp and not allowing some freak to order bonfires and use the royal family as audience for a spectacle to barbaric practices they would have noted the strange James Bond theme that followed Perseus wherever he went.
Perseus was of course able to spy so well thanks to the helmet he was given that could make him practically invisible. He went about collecting a pair of sandals that could make him invisible as well as the helmet. It wasn't for any practical reason, just that he wanted to be covered in invisibility from head to toe. But one night while Andromeda was sleepwalking, Perseus stood in her way to prevent her from walking off the balcony. The vulture hadn't arrived yet, so he just followed her around. He even allowed her to walk right into him, hoping it would jar her awake. But being asleep and obviously having a dream, she just let out a little sigh and mumbled "Whiskey is no one's friend, best used by late summer, go fetch the clowns and get the fuck out of my way!"
Then Perseus started to have a conversation with her. They talked about faces on the moon, moonbats on the moon, cheese on the moon. Then they talked in Greek. Then switched dialects and talked in some dialects of Valley Speak. Andromeda would not know that her future lover was literally having all kinds of fun with her while she slept. He even had her trying on different sleeping gowns while they waited for the buzzard. When her ride finally arrived, she sleepwalked toward the cage to be flown away. But Perseus had been waiting too, and sat down in the cage before she sat down. When she was safely inside, and sitting on his lap, the giant bird strained to get airborne and flying through the air with the extra weight caused the bird to fly so strange that the gods actually gave them all first prize on the popular show "Ancient Greek Empire's Funniest Scrolls"
Perseus comes into view[edit | edit source]
When the sneaking around in Joppa got boring, and the bonfires started consisting of roasting hot dogs and marshmallows instead of retards, Perseus went to the beach. He wanted to surf the big waves so he headed to the coastline of Sparta. It so happened that Andromeda had taken a holiday and went there, as well. She was walking along the beach in a bikini and when Perseus saw her he remembered her from her nights of sleepwalking. While he was standing there fixated with her Princess bikini on, a tornado took him and his little surfboard too. He ended up in a place called Pylos. Wondering what to do, he was surprised to suddenly be confronted by a mythical beast that happened to be a pet to Andromeda. She took care of her furbabies, her featherbabies, her scalybabies, and her half-cyborg, half-earth-crust babies. She needed to make sure it would get home before it got too dark. But Perseus ran like hell to get away from said half-cyborg, half-earth-crust baby. It was referred to as a horse-dragon-ostrich-eagle. But it was made of earth elements and latex.
He ended up in Area 51 where Andromeda had already arrived to take her flying lessons. Perseus ran to her and begged to be taken far from the place because he just wasn't going the deal with that stuff. Andromeda gave him a lift. Literally. And she took him as far away as he had asked. She landed her little princess ship somewhere in Karpathos. She kept looking at Perseus trying to remember if she had met him before. At first he was trying to avoid eye contact and mumbled. She knew she recognized him, but couldn't place him. But while they tried gathering berries to refuel the ship, they were suddenly jumped by pirates. It was while they were held captive that they got to talking. Perseus began dropping hints that he had already met her. Although it didn't count because she was so out of it. Wasted. In a coma.
While being held captive by the pirates, the got to know one another. They liked each other. And they liked each other so much that they felt they could plot against the pirates that took them hostage. In time they collected some seashells and casually just, one day, walked away from the pirate ship. Nobody chased after them. Ingrates! Thought Andromeda. When Andromeda introduced her new boyfriend, her mother was very pleased that her daughter had found a new love. Perseus was blending in with the scene, the goddesses had been filling his head with nonsense and gave him some gifts. Calibos showed up and reminded Perseus that there was a matter of answering a riddle. Perseus used the goddesses' gifts and the brainwashing they did to him to defeat his opponent. It worked out, but he would need therapy later on.
It was at this time that Andromeda's mother had made some remarks against Thetis, the ever-larger-than-life mother of the ex. Saying that the statue of Thetis that was being kept in their dwelling temple was an eyesore, a bad house guest, and mentioned the weight problem. Thetis was more than a few tons. So naturally Thetis possessed the statue, did a mock suicide attempt making the statue's head break off just so it could yell at everyone at eye level. Andromeda told Thetis to mind her own damned business and Perseus was already in the process of sweeping out the dust from the statue's self-inflicted carnage.
But while Thetis was blathering off via the statue in the likeness of herself, she demanded the life of Andromeda. Threw in some curses and decreed that only the Kraken would suffice to kill Andromeda since the pirates were inept blowhards. A date was set for the apparent destruction of Andromeda's life and she was distraught, and lost her appetite. With very little time left to live, and while they kept rescheduling the actual sacrifice, Andromeda and Perseus had decided to use the time to go after the pirates who had kidnapped them. It was Perseus's idea, but he knew that this was something that bothered the princess even more than the Kraken. It was the nerve of the pirates that really didn't set well with her. They were quite rude to kidnap her and Perseus for no apparent reason.
The Kraken is defeated, Perseus is rewarded, Andromeda kept a diary[edit | edit source]
After they got their revenge against the pirates, Andromeda and Perseus were off to go get Medusa. At least that was the plan but, as luck would have it they forgot to bring Andromeda to the most critical part of the journey. Andromeda returned home, but was really wanting to move to the famous Nile river in North Africa. But it was kind of dry and arid everywhere else. And the river was rumored to be cursed after that nasty incident involving Moses.
On arriving back to Joppa, a lot of the folk started mourning the loss of their princess as she walked past them. It was unnerving to hear how she was so missed, and beloved, and how nice she was as if she wasn't there anymore. Andromeda scoffed and told them I'm still here, you retarded primates! and made her way to her mother's little temple room. She had ordered some gear for the sacrifice but the delivery truck ran into some problems with a bubbling swamp that sunk it when it veered off a bridge due to the weight of the marble that the truck was made of.
Andromeda was prepped for a proper sacrifice and by the time the soldiers tried to undress her, she had already snatched their garb and armor and tried the items on. She looked fine but asked if their stuff made her look fat. It was bulky armor, of course it made her look a bit cluttered. As usual the soldiers were being dramatic and when they couldn't take her clothes off and found that she had taken their clothes off, they ran off to gods know where. Leaving Andromeda having to chain her own self up to such a dumb rock on the shore where virgins were usually sacrificed. Andromeda had no choice but to lament her predicament. She waited for Perseus. And waited. Checking her watch, she waited again.
Perseus showed up finally, with the head of Medusa, and proceeded with the attempt to defeat the Kraken. In the first few tries, it wasn't going as planned. Andromeda and the Kraken were in a very intense argument over her not being a proper sacrifice, and she told him off and reminded him that he wasn't such a big bad ass monster that everyone made him out to be. As a matter of fact, she went on, he wasn't even ranked in the Top Ten by the time Cthulhu and his spawn showed up in dreams and nightmares. This angered the monster, and Andromeda had already begun taunting the Kraken by making fun of his gurgling accent since a wave hit the shore and she had enough water in her mouth to pull off the sound effect.
When Perseus finally got a proper hold of Medusa's head and was sure that Medusa wasn't going to bite him or be turned to stone himself, he pointed Medusa's glowing eyes right into full view of the Kraken's face. Medusa's eyes and the Kraken's face had a glorious effect as the beast turned to stone. ELO was there playing their hit song 'Turn To Stone' as they would naturally want to be. Withe the defeat of the Kraken, and the further use of Medusa's head that Perseus used it for to turn other nasties to stone, the couple just wanted to get out of there and be alone. Perseus wanted to relax and do natural and nude things with Andromeda. Besides the annoying Joppans trying to get more out of Andromeda than was reasonable (she did do the tied up to the sacrificial rock thing and they should have just shut up) they were nonetheless asking for trouble. Andromeda did make comments about the Kraken even after he was stone dead. She even laughed at the idiots who tried to chain her back up to pose for pictures and sculptures. Perseus turned everyone who tried to grab her, into stone slabs and statues of themselves looking very shocked with frozen expressions that varied from mouths agape, to arms held up to shield their faces only to end up being too top heavy and falling over shattering themselves into several pieces. Not that any museums would mind putting statues with missing heads and limbs up for public spectacle. Museums would, in the future, be totally fine with featuring the subjects in the nude. Since the Joppans were already like that anyway as they were already perving at that time.
Once Andromeda and Perseus got away, her mother told them to tie the knot. Andromeda asked her mother why all the retards were even there and that the next time she might be cursed, to not allow anyone to know about it. To keep it private for pete's sake. In the meantime, Perseus had earned his reward and after he married his Andromeda, he was given many gifts. A new suit and tie. Cuff links. A new Mercedes Benz. Some board games. And a gift card for a fancy restaurant in the Land of the Dead. He would of course just be getting take-out and had to bring his guards with him. He knew the place very well.
Andromeda wrote about her experiences. But as always the Greek way of thinking went into her diary. Tragedy was kind of a thing and she did embellish on some events. For instance on page three hundred and ten she wrote: Suddenly, a flying horse with Perseus and a dismembered head full of snakes comes flying into view. Oh gods kill me now, I prayed. But to my surprise, the sea monster turned to stone due to Perseus distracting it to look at the head of what I assumed was Medusa. The owl knocked itself out, the horse dove into the sea and I was rescued. Then the owl woke up, the horse emerged and I realized Perseus was carrying me away from the stone where I was about to be lunch meat. Hmm. I really wonder what the hell that sea monster's problem was.
And in the last page she jotted down what she had room left to write, which read: Not sure I wanted to be a star constellation either. I know that somehow it'll make me look fat.
Astronomy and science fiction[edit | edit source]
Within the aforementioned constellation visibly lies the nearest spiral galaxy to our own, the Andromeda Galaxy. Like paintings of the princess herself, it is very beautiful and very easy to which to wank.
Originally believed for thousands of years to be a nebula, Edwin Hubble proved that Andromeda was a galaxy outside our own, thus proving that there's more to the universe than our own galaxy. Although he was unable to win a big freaking medal at the time, a badass space telescope named in his honor should be enough to suffice.
While the Andromeda Galaxy is currently 2.6 million light-years away from us, astronomers calculate that it could collide with the Milky Way galaxy in 5.6 billion years. The collision could theoretically create a new galaxy, with the fate of our own solar system uncertain. While this scenario sounds awesome, it would probably be best if no one told Roland Emmerich about it.
Andromeda was also the name of a Canadian–American science fiction series in the early 2000s. Taking place within an intergalactic collapsed civilization thousands of years in the future, it was literally used as a trash can in which to dump Gene Roddenberry's unused material. It was basically the Undictionary of sci-fi.
None of the above has anything to do with the mythical princess, except to note that geeks who dream of naming their daughters "Andromeda" should consider marrying a black chick. Or a black chick from Greece. Or a white chick from Africa. Even if they don't exist in the context of exotic chicks from the old world.
There is also reason to believe that Andromedans from the galaxy of Andromeda are secretly planning an attack on planet Earth and maybe, Mars as well. Astronomers had long searched the night sky for an angelic figure to come at the earth and start something. Anything. Astronomers were just as smitten by Andromeda's beauty although they had to draw imaginary lines from star to star in order to get the full picture.
Gallery[edit | edit source]
You just want to see titties.
Leia has nothing on her.
"Not my day."
Edward Poynter
made 'em pointy.
Girl's gotta get a few good poses in.
Flying to her salvation. Like a boss.
Shit just got real.
Is this a rescue
or an orgy?
"Draw me like one of your Greek girls."
"First I was like UH! Then I was like UH!"
In your dreams.
Woah, mamma!
Get out.
Fuck off, you're Italian.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Euripides wrote a play about her. Probably not as good as the Disney cartoon.
- Medusa
- Prometheus
- Princess Peach
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