Cassandra
Cassandra, a.k.a. The Greek Princess of Troy, is was a tragic figure until she climbed up Mount Olympus and went Rambo on everyone's asses. Life was a bitch and now, like Catwoman, so was she. It all started when Apollo was finishing up his work with the gates of Heaven and the stairs to Hades. Seemingly Zeus needed new construction of the world and Apollo was the only one who could make this happen. But he had a secret, and that was Cassandra. She was the one who would test the gates since she had already become familiar with the Stargate in Atlantis. She helped Apollo with the basic function of the pathways that would use the wormhole technology to make travel between Heaven & Hell easier. But Cassandra questioned the idea of making travel between these two places of concept accessible to each other. That it might be a bad idea. After all, there was the issue with one being completely opposite of the other and that it might give people the wrong idea of where they're going if what is to be believed as absolute. Apollo knitted his eyebrow and realized she was right. He felt that she could predict an outcome that was undesirable and so wanted to expand on that. To learn what she could predict in other interests he had. She was all like okay with it but sensed that someone, somewhere was going to have a meltdown over her being chosen for the gig rather than Jesus Christ.
The Gift & The Request[edit | edit source]
In the following year after Hades had put a stop to the silliness of being on a direct pathway to Heaven, Apollo scraped his plans to build a temple using marble and stucco. Again Cassandra questioned things, how the monstrosity it would look unpolished in certain parts and that it could look very tacky. Literally. He marveled at her predictive ability and wanted to bestow a gift to her, as he was having feelings for her. He went to his parents and asked for advice. Now this is the part of the story where one realizes how screwed up these things can get and why these old Greek stories are known for their tragic endings. It's always the dumbass assumption that parents, even those of the gods, are going to help anyone in affairs of the heart. These people are already bitter and resentful and out to ruin everything.
When Apollo spoke of his desire to date Cassandra, a mortal, his parents were at first skeptical and told him that it was just a phase. When Apollo spoke of Cassandra's uncanny ability to predict outcomes of situations by using logic and reasoning, the gods were suddenly very curious. They were in search of new talent and this was something they perked up their ears for. Apollo was instructed to go to Cassandra and offer her the gift of prophecy in turn for her affections. Apollo, at first, questioned this because he had just explained that she already had this gift but his words were lost on his parents as they went on and on with excitement over a multitude of possibilities including what chariots to bet on in the next Olympian contest.
Apollo, being confused and a bit annoyed at the suggestion of his parents, went to Cassandra to offer her the gift of prophecy. She reminded him that she really didn't need a second opinion. But he persisted. Confused and curious, she accepted the gift under the condition that Apollo would meet her at a secret rendezvous and they would do the thing that was being done in that day and age. So long ago. But when the time came for their date, she gave him a light kiss and explained that when he gave her the gift of prophecy, she saw him being involved in an accident with a hydra unless he left at that moment. When Apollo considered this to be possible, he wasn't worried about any hydras. Cassandra calmly made some tea and gave it to him. Promising that it was really good tea. The next morning he awoke to find his clothes strewn about the chamber, and Cassandra already dressed and sitting in the window smoking a cigarette. He wanted to tell her how much of a good time he had but could not remember it for the life of him.
Cassandra said; That's okay my bronze god lover, you were terrific! but as she stood and walked casually into the hall, he was surprised she had no funny walk, and seemed completely normal. His past experiences with mortal women were different. He was usually the first one up and less fuzzy about the details of the previous night. No matter, he was falling for Cassandra big time. When he sprinted back to Mount Olympus to tell everyone what a great night he had, that's when things got dicey. Zeus wasn't convinced that Apollo actually did anything with Cassandra. He suspected she played a trick on him. When Apollo visited Cassandra the following night, she confessed that he passed out and she allowed him to slumber as he looked very tired. Apollo was disappointed and felt badly. He asked her if she would reconsider his offer but she was predictably having a headache. Apollo didn't know what to do. When Zeus heard about Cassandra's subtle renigging, he suggested to Apollo to cause her ability to predict the future to be met with unbelievers, whenever she would utter any prophecy, no one would believe her.
When this was stated to Cassandra, her first instinct was to laugh because she was close enough to Apollo to know that he secretly hated the Trojans anyway and this was something she could get into. In her mind the sheer prankishness of this was hysterical. She went along with his decree saying; Sure, sure. I can do that. See bad shit about to happen. Warning the people of Troy who are stupid to begin with, of certain doom. Not listening to me, and then getting whacked. Me laughing because they were always judging me. Just like they did in Atlantis. Until it sank into the sea ... Yeah, yeah, okay. Anything else? Apollo reminded her that the curse of going back on the deal she had with him would result in nobody taking her warnings seriously. What the gods failed to comprehend is that Cassandra really did not give a shit.
The Contest & The Challenge[edit | edit source]
As Cassandra knew, someone was leafing through the archives of the gods and found that Apollo consulted with her instead of Jesus Christ, and then had a meltdown. But things were going normally for Cassandra at the moment and Apollo was busy with other projects. She lit up another smoke and ignored her parents who insisted that a princess should not have played hard to get, as she exhaled smoke at them and shrugged.
They were visibly miffed but she just wasn't in the mood and informed them that the gods have been a pain in the ass. Prometheus and Hercules would be in complete agreement of this. As ancient documents dug up from the ruins of Mycenae revealed, Cassandra thought Apollo was nice and all but just couldn't see being involved with a guy who was related to Zeus who, in fact, was married to his own sister. And involved with another one on top of that. In Cassandra's mind this was gross. Of course it's gross. It's very gross. And yet Cassandra wasn't out to get anyone. This revenge she perpetrated came only after the gods fucked up her life. Now come on, who wouldn't be at least a bit pissed off? So Cassandra as history shows, was in the right when she rejected all the following ads and promotions sent to her via Hermes. She would also be proven in the right when she would end up utterly destroying Mount Olympus and sent the Bronze Age into a tailspin.
However the gods were embroiled in some other scheme. A contest that was drummed up by some half-witted entity to use Athena, Aphrodite and Hera to offer a Trojan goat herder a golden apple to judge which of the three were fairest of them all. Paris went on record as telling them that he was the wrong person they were after. The goddesses were perplexed by his insistence that he was not Snow White and to get that weird apple away from him. But they assured him that this was a different apple and that they did not look at him as a mirror on the wall. Out of desperation to lose them, he picked Aphrodite and just like that, Helen of Troy who was at that time Helen of Sparta, walked into his life. Or he walked into hers. Scrolls are fuzzy on these details but somebody was walking in sandals made for walking. Instantly Paris and Helen fell in love with each other at first sight. For the first time that day. Naturally Aphrodite was pleased with herself having won the contest for being the fairest of them all. To the point of being a bitch about it. But she wasn't being too extra since she was among other goddesses just as cunning as she.
Paris kidnapped Helen at first, but then she just kind of ran away with him. Casually. And off to Troy they sailed. Cassandra saw this event and told her parents Priam and Hecuba that they're going to have a relative come visit and he's probably most likely a fugitive. When their son Paris showed up with Helen, the Queen of Sparta whom he brought with him illegally, that's when Cassandra was grounded for being such a smart ass.
Naturally the Trojans were all excited and only too happy to aid and abet the criminal-lover-goat-herder with the golden apple and his hot new girlfriend. Cassandra simply gathered some blankets, a hot cocoa, a couple dozen packs of cigarettes and settled in for a long night of a series of long nights that would span over the course of a decade. The first phase of the Trojan War was scheduled for ten years of trying to breach the walls of Troy but another ten years would be needed to list the conquered inhabitants, the stocks of food, wares, cattle, wheat, soy beans, cotton, oak wood, palm leaves, palm oil, bamboo and bronze armor that was melted down into bronze kettles.
During this time, when the walls of Troy was subjected to an army of angry Helen fanboys being lead by a warmonger named Agamemnon, King Priam tried to forget the nonsense and lit up a smoke. The guards of the city of Troy would stand atop the walls and flip the Greeks off, telling them they didn't frighten anyone and that they were pig dogs, kniggits, empty-headed animal food trough whoppers and farted in their general direction. Agamemnon and his soldiers were angered even more as they fired arrows at the Trojans, who simply ducked, popped back up over the walls and told them to go away or they would taunt them again.
Meanwhile Paris and Helen were busy in their chambers having sex, wrapping presents for each other, baking cakes and cookies for each other and doing crossword puzzles. They would come out every now and then and wave at the Greeks trying to kill them all. Helen was known for giggling a lot when Agamemnon raged and yelled threats at her and all her loved ones. You're such a laugh riot, you goofy-looking brute troll in a skirt! Helen would yell back at him. None of this was what the Greeks had planned on, but because their egos were so hurt by this time, they brought in Achilles. After Achilles was talked into playing a hero for the Greek army, figuring he had this down pat, that's when Paris and Hector appeared at the top of the wall and let everyone know that although Achilles is all armored up now, he's still a coward who hides behind mountains and to take Agamemnon for example (because he's fat, see?) and that's when the war became more intense. Then some random pig dog came up with the brilliant idea to have Achilles and Hector fight it out man to man and that whoever won the challenge, the loser's side would either go home or in the Trojan's case, pull out.
As fate would have it, Hector lost because the challenge required physical skills that Achilles had due to being dipped in the river Styx and managing to not drown. Some scholars are skeptical that this was an action taken by his mother to make him invulnerable, and instead just trying to drown him because he was such a brat. But Hector couldn't beat him in physical combat and thus lost the challenge. Then Paris went Medieval and killed Achilles with a well-aimed arrow at his ugly sandals. So the challenge ended up being a draw and nobody was going home and nobody was pulling out. Lots of moaning was heard. Cassandra rolled her eyes and lit another cigarette.
The Walls of War[edit | edit source]
After nine or so years of this back and forth between the Trojans and the Greeks, Cassandra was rumored to make a call to Apollo to escape the madness. Saying that she would be happy to just stay a while at the crossroads between Hades and Mount Olympus. Apollo came to her, at first asking her if she had any smokes. Then the two of them strolled around Troy and discussed some things. The city of Troy looked the same as ever.
Massive walls keeping the Greeks out to be sure, but not well enough to keep out the stuff being hurled over them with catapults full of rotten fruit, eggs, tomatoes and footwear. Apollo asked her if she tried to warn anyone about the Greeks and if anyone believed her. Why should I have warned them about the Greeks? Cassandra asked, stating that she did speak of the instance that Paris showed up with Helen but it wasn't anything worth being alarmed about. And that she was basically grounded for even bringing it up. Apollo was hoping she would be aggrieved and seek the comfort of his arms. He was ready to give this another shot. But Cassandra didn't appear too broken up about a bunch of Trojans being all battered and worn out. Apollo asked her to confide in him and tell him if the curse placed on her had done her any undue harm.
These are stupid people here. I am surrounded by them. Before I predicted this stupid war, there was already a guy going up and down the streets wearing a sign that said THE END IS NEAR and nobody paid him any attention! She told him. Apollo scratched his head and flashed a Spock eyebrow at her. Cassandra went on, What does it matter whether that Doomsday guy or myself not being believed? I just flat out told what I knew and left it at that. As for the weirdo guy with a sign, he was barking up the wrong tree to begin with! Most of these people don't even know how to read! It's so stupid. Apollo was relieved to hear that she was more or less a let-the-chips-fall-where-they-may kind of girl and he offered her a place to stay during the war if she didn't mind the island next to Hades. Apollo puffed away as Cassandra tried to remember where she had heard that name before. Suddenly she remembered. Isn't that in Canada? She asked. Apollo nodded in the affirmative. Cassandra changed her mind and told Apollo that there never is a good enough reason to end up in Canada. So she stayed in Troy and sulked.
The Greeks continued their attempts at breaching the Trojan walls while everyone reflected on their situations. How things had gotten really bad, what with all those meanies trying to kill them over some asshole Greek ruler's lust for war and seeking to wipe them off the face of the earth. Still it could have been worse. They could have all been in Canada.
The I Told You So Gift Horse[edit | edit source]
By the tenth year of the war the Greeks had a common consensus that the Trojans and the Queen of Sparta (who was on their side against them) needed to do something other than beating the walls with their swords, arrows, leftovers, their own heads, and come up with a better plan. In the dark of the night Odysseus came up with such a plan. He gathered everyone around and mumbled something about hiding in a horse, offering it up as a truce and a gift to the goddess Athena, and clearing the beach and when the city fell asleep to sneak out of hiding and attack. Then Odysseus had to explain, again, that they would be hiding inside the horse. When the Greeks finally understood that it wouldn't be a real horse, Odysseus had to explain one more time that the horse being offered up as a gift in order to make the city believe that they were defeated and went home, would gain them an advantage. That was when to spring their attack. Then Odysseus had to remind them that they would be hiding inside the horse as it would get wheeled into the city. The few who understood where he was getting at, said Ahh! By this point Odysseus was pulling his hair out of his head.
And per usual, Cassandra saw this. She gave this information to her parents about the horse. Advised them to not accept any gifts from the Greeks and to not be swayed or talked into bringing that god-awful eyesore into the city. But of course, as her father was reassuring her that he would not allow a Greek horse into the city, Cassandra was immediately brushed aside when everyone laid eyes on the gift horse. It was definitely a sight to behold. They had never seen anything like it before. And because it was already smiling, no one looked it in the mouth. Cassandra threw up her arms and told everyone to get bent. She knew the Greeks were in the horse as the size of it was a bit too conveniently large enough to fit Greek soldiers inside of it. It was also obvious that they were hiding inside the gift horse when their hands could be spotted trying to hold some loose boards into place to keep their cover.
When the people of Troy eagerly accepted the gift horse it was on account that they were told that the Greeks had accepted defeat, went home, and left the horse as a sort of consolatory trophy to give to their Athenian temple and to say sorry for all the murder and mayhem they caused. But Cassandra wasn't alone with her thoughts of the situation with the horse. Even Helen remarked that Agamemnon never walks away from a war. But what could she do? What could Cassandra do? They sat there and watched the spectacle of the horse being brought into the city, past the gates, and right into the big middle of where most of the citizens would hang around.
Cassandra looked on at the campfires of the people who celebrated, sang praises, and feasted and drank wine. She was shaking her head and when Helen and Paris joined her on the balcony, Helen asked for a light pulling out a cigarette and the three of them smoked in silence. They knew something was wrong. They could feel it. But Cassandra spoke to them and said straight up that it would be a good time to leave. She extinguished her smoke and went to her chamber to pack a bag to get the hell out of there. Helen and Paris were thinking the same thing. It was close to midnight when the sounds of merriment had died down. Cassandra knew that the Greeks would be pouring out of that horse in no time.
King Priam was apprehensive and told his family to prepare to depart the city. But it was too late. The first sounds coming from the gift horse were unmistakably Greek guy voices complaining that they couldn't breathe in that thing and needed to get out of it right now! Then they went about their plans to sack the city. The sleeping citizens were set on fire, Paris was slain and Helen was taken by Agamemnon. Menelaus stepped in and reclaimed Helen and they fled the city. She asked Menelaus to contact Jesus Christ so that Paris could be resurrected and then come along too. Menelaus pretended to not hear her.
Cassandra's whole family was very rudely rubbed out, while she tried to hide in the temple of Athena. This didn't pan out the way she wanted. Ajax, one of the Greek soldiers barged into the temple and had his way with her when she could not escape due to a janitor's cart blocking her escape route. Ajax was very abrasive, and smelt lemony fresh. After Cassandra was tossed around a bit and taken advantage of, she couldn't fight her attacker as he flung her over his shoulder and carried her off. She had just enough strength to light another cigarette. Smelling the smoke Ajax stopped for a while to have one too. Cassandra asked for her clothes back, and told Ajax to fucking put his clothes back on. As she looked back at the city now resembling a massive torch engulfed in flames, she uttered the words I told you so.
The Bronze Age Got Ruined & The Gods Got Rekt[edit | edit source]
“Well that escalated epically.”
When the Greeks had finished the whole affair with Troy, as usual, there needed to be lists made. Agamemnon didn't want to wait around for that so he started back for Mycenae especially since Ajax brought him Cassandra as a concubine. Which he was planning on taking advantage of her, as well. She slapped him around a bit. He got turned on by it since her cigarette was hanging from her pursed lips and his imagination ran away with him. She knew this was not going to end well. But a silver lining of her predicament is that she knew that Agamemnon was going to die soon. And that it would be his own wife Clytemnestra that would kill him. Of course having already witnessed the murder, she knew things weren't going to turn out well for herself, either. As they sailed back to Greece Agamemnon would tease Cassandra about not being believed and kept asking her to predict his future, tell his fortune, and read his palm. Then he would laugh and tell her that she was such a storyteller and then order her to swab the deck.
Nevertheless Cassandra did tell Agamemnon his future. She informed him that she knew he had a wife and that she has a new lover by the name of Aegisthus whom she lovingly refers to as Aaa-eee-giiis-thuuus-ooo. Agamemnon didn't take any of it seriously because he would kill his wife if there was any truth to that. He seemed to be in denial, Cassandra thought. She didn't pity him. More like Schadenfreude. Upon arriving to his home he greeted his wife, who seemed to be unhappy that he was back. However the Trojans, had they lived, would have been ecstatic that he returned home. She was quite surprised that he brought along another woman to come live with them. Cassandra slipped out of the room because she did not want to see his death and was hoping to not be a witness. Then a man came out from the sleeping chambers half-dressed and asked what all the commotion was. It was Aaa-ooo himself. But just as Agamemnon flew into a rage, Clytemnestra lassoed him and strung him up, snapping his neck. Some theorize that she actually threw an ax at him. While some claim that she shot him with an AK-47. In his dying words, Agamemnon told his wife that Cassandra predicted all of this. Clytemnestra's eyes gleamed as she sighed Oh really now? I guess I'll have to kill her too. Don't need any witnesses, now do we? But before Cassandra could escape, Clytemnestra seized her and told her that she had to do this. Cassandra, begging to just be left alone, told her that she didn't want anything to do with her husband as he was the reason her whole family was killed, that he abducted her, his war against her homeland was brutal, and that he made her swab the deck. So she was glad he was dead. But Clytemnestra was a bitch and she shot Cassandra anyway.
In Cassandra's dying breath she told Clytemnestra that her own children would kill her one day. Of course, she didn't believe Cassandra. This ends up happening though. Good. But now that Cassandra was released from her mortal turmoil, she noticed that she could still predict the future which was always to her just a simple trick of using logic and reasoning and a bit of Apollo rubbing off on her. Although the thought sorta, kinda made her feel weird. As she climbed the slope to the gates of Olympus, she stopped and looked over at what was going to be the portal to connect Hades and Olympus directly. Noticing that it still had the initial feature of a sideways elevator, she came up with a plan that would put her foreseeing abilities to good use. And she was one pissed off bitch.
Cassandra headed to the stairs toward Hades and along the way stopped by the river Styx and called for Apollo. When he came to her, she asked him a thing which always alluded her. Why was he so hell bent on having her as a lover? Why the sudden interest in a mortal. Surely mortals were already messed up since that nasty incident with Adam and Eve. Or Eve and some dumb snake. That humans were an enslaved species since the aliens took over and created that tacky styrofoam paradise theme park to lure the divine creation of mankind into. Apollo, being somewhat surprised that she was onto the plot, sat down and tried to explain that sometimes the gods and goddesses are boring and can be a drag. She was someone he liked. Really liked. Cassandra moved by his honesty, and in a much more tender mood thought more of him now that he wasn't acting like a typical god with the usual emotional state of a soap opera actor. Then Apollo asked her why she rejected him. Cassandra told him that it was because of Zeus. That he married his sister and that was just too much for her.
Apollo was taken by surprise at Cassandra's words. You do know that although Zeus is my dad, my mom is Leto, not Hera. And Leto is not a sister to my dad. I'm good. You won't be seeing me playing a banjo. Cassandra was literally in shock. For a dead person. She pounded the crumbling ruin of a column and it fell the rest of the way into a pile of cat litter. Why the hell didn't you tell me this before?! Cassandra said exasperated. Apollo thought everyone knew. Obviously they didn't. I don't get involved in personal family matters! I didn't even get involved with my own family's personal matters because they're all fucking retarded! Cassandra said visibly shaken. For a ghost who still managed to be smoking. Apollo asked her what she was going to do next. She didn't answer. It was best this way. And this is where her true ability came to be legendary although not fully documented. Until now. Here. On Uncyclopedia.
Her visions of the future were, at best, just calculated guesses and having just enough information to see the pattern of where things can go. And how any stupid move or action can end up as quite the clusterfuck. Like the Trojan War, and the Atlantians before that, for example. Knowing the gods would have some way to detect a deception, she knew she'd have to be, as usual, the bearer of bad news. But she already had a plan.
After Apollo flitted off to wonderland or bumfuck or wherever, she continued on to Hades and went to speak with Kratos. His story she knew. And she offered him a secret passage to Olympus, if he could loan her his battleaxe. He agreed and Cassandra told him to take the elevator to the side top, north of Antarctica and to ignore any Spartans, Roman legions, ninjas, or goats along the way. Kratos agreed and she was now armed with a very powerful weapon. So she went to Olympus on the straight up elevator and came out swinging. Cassandra managed to take out about 200 lesser gods and demolished their alters into heaps of marble, crystal, and styrofoam.
Then the major gods and goddesses arrived at the scene. Which was basically the foyer at Mount Olympus. They asked her where she got the axe and she smiled sweetly and told them that they'll soon be having an unexpected visitor. They correctly guessed that it would be Kratos himself and that's about the time Kratos showed up and threw Zeus into a freezer and closed the door on that bitch. Then Cassandra told the bewildered host of Olympus that the Roman Empire that they've been helping shape, form, and fund would be burned down by a crazy man. Aphrodite asked who the crazy man would be. Cassandra simply called him Oren. And told the goddess to look in a mirror if she's wondering what crazy looks like. Aghast and utterly offended, the rest of the gods and goddesses threatened to kill Cassandra. She just laughed, telling them that she was already dead and what the fuck were they gonna do? This was unheard of. Cassandra laughed some more.
Then one of the more gentle gods stepped forward. Cupid asked her if she needed some love. Cassandra blew smoke in his face and snarled. Then she made a string of shocking predictions that left them shaking to their cores. You'll be replaced by Jesus Christ. She stated matter-of-fact like. And he'll wreck your stuff. Miracles he'll do while destroying idols made of you guys. And you'll deserve it. Cassandra snapped at them. I can't even remember how many times I've wanted to consult with that guy, but the gods were always in the way. But that's coming to an end. Then Cassandra looked back at Aphrodite and through a barely detectable smile she told the goddess that one day she'll be turned into a ridiculous creature.
In the meantime, I plan to stick around. Use this axe to clear out all this fucking stryofoam. And remind you everyday that y'all a bunch of stupid bitches. Cassandra said.
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