Holy Shit
Nominated Article
The Holy Shit is the common name for the result of a theobiological experiment intended to capture a living God. This experiment was designed and built by noted theobiologists Gordon Ben-Liatto and Samuel Baker in 2023 at the Theobiological Institute of the Solomon Islands. Despite being widely regarded as a failure, the experiment revolutionized the field of theobiology.
The experiment[edit | edit source]
The experiment consisted of a brightly painted hollow rectangular prism, open on one face, of corrugated parchment of the spruce tree. This in turn was supported on one end by a dead branch of the Quercus Marilandica tree and was where the God was to be captured to be studied. Under the hollow prism, a simple "Angel Food Cake" was placed, surrounded by an olive branch and dove feathers, which are known to attract similar deific beings. The experiment was placed on a floating vessel off the north oceanic coast of the Solomon Islands, visited every three days by a team of researchers who changed the cake for a fresh one and orally consumed the slightly stale cake.
Results[edit | edit source]
After about forty days the researchers arrived at the boat to find that the trap had sprung. Unsure whether it was an avian specimen or a specimen of God that had sprung it, the researchers put on white latex gloves, opened the box and found a glowing white object that emitted a despicable smell. A voice was heard from the sky by all of the researchers and the recording equipment on the boat. It stated, in Hebrew, "This is my Beloved Shit with which I am well pleased." Laboratory analysis concluded the sample obtained from the box was, indeed, fecal matter of a higher being, and every party involved chided themselves on forgetting God's ability to ascend to Heaven at will, escaping the trap.
Properties of the Holy Shit[edit | edit source]
The Holy Shit, as the glowing white fecal matter claimed by God was soon called, was nearly uniformly similar to the feces of a human being that has recently eaten a large baked potato with World's Best Chili®[1]. This was cited in the noted paper Properties of Divine Feces: An Exploration of the Holy Shit as evidence that heaven was similar to Earth, but better, with glowing white potatoes and better chili then Earth has to offer. Other papers reached similar conclusions. Nobody offered any evidence as to why the shit glowed white, claiming: "It's Devine Design™, who are we to critique it?"
Its chemical composition contained atoms of a kind never before seen. The scientists in charge of analizing the atoms were all closet Mormons so the atoms were named Kolobium, causing major disappointment in the scientific community, although at this point most of that community had stripped naked on street corners with signs prophesying Armageddon.
Reactions to the experiment[edit | edit source]
Many respected biologists and evolution theorists refused to accept the results of the experiment. Noted biologist Martin Crieff in his evaluation told the media:
“I think I’ll just keep very still and maybe ... the bees will forget me!”
Nobody knows what that was intended to mean, but everyone is sure that was very smart. Noted Shiri Macroevolutionist Edliw Slliw Racso had this to say about the experiment:
“Nevaeh otni teg ot tiaw t’nac I. Elohssa na sah Dog! Ti eveileb t’nac I!”
Translators are working to figure out what that is in English, but it sounds very intelligent as well. But neither of these people, when confronted with the actual Shit, disputes its origin.
In popular culture[edit | edit source]
The Holy Shit is often mentioned without explanation in popular TV shows and movies, and in several notable books. An Uncyclopedia article was written about Holy Shit an Oasis, one of these mentions in the popular book Camel Camel and Al-Jim the White Bedouin. Interestingly, that article also fails to mention the meaning of the phrase. Thus the experiment is widely lauded by people who do not understand what they are talking about.
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ other than, of course, glowing white and being God's Own Shit