UnBooks:The Odyssey

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Unofficial sequel to the Iliad, written by Homer in an attempt to cash-in on the 8th century trend of epic poems. Despite the smaller number of epic battles, the book is considered superior due to its explicit tenth chapter, which has caused the book to be banned in Norway, Ghana, and Gotham city. Like its predecessor, the book is criticized for the simple fact that it just doesn't rhyme properly.

The Odyssey chronicles the adventures of Odysseus after the Trojan War in his attempt to escape Sam I Am(the greater demon man slave of Poseidon) and Sam I Am's obssession with Green Eggs and Ham. During this long journey, Odysseus points out that he does not like green eggs and ham here and there, he doesn't like it in a box or with a fox, and he doesn't like it with an evil sorceroress who turns men into cans of spam and cooks them with high quality propane.

Prelude: The Trojan War[edit | edit source]

Odysseus adventure begins when Jimi Hendrix, Guitar God of Greece, convinces Odyessues to join him on an attack on the Trojans who stole his foxey lady. So Odyesseus goes to Troy where the greeks spend ten years waiting for the front gate to open. Odysseus had a plan; he made an incredibly large plastic layer to cover his army and presented it to the trojans as a gift and knowing the Trojans as large rubber item lovers, Odyessus knew he could use this rubber material for rear penetration. The Trojans accepted the gift with great pleasure. However, Odysseus broke through the plastic with his sword and the Greeks carried on by killing everyone in plain sight. Including the mimes. Hence why to this day we refer to it as the Trojan Condom. However, all was not to be happily ever after because Odysseus pissed Poseidon off by refusing to lend him is Abba record collection. So Poseidon sent his man slave, Sam I Am after him.

Chapter 1: The Voyage out of the Aegean Sea[edit | edit source]

Odysseus now took 20 of his ships, put all his men on them, and said goodbye to all the guys partying over Troy's defeat, and set out across the Aegean. Sam I Am tried to take down his ship instantly, but everyone knows Dr. Seuss characters suck, so a couple deadly arrow shots from the surrounding ships killed the large sea serpent thing. Odysseus and his fleet sailed to Africa where they found the n00bians. These were crazy uncivilized people at the time and all but one ship sailed away quickly after one ship was surrounded by warriors. Odysseus watched as one of his ships was overrun by crazy feces-eating men. He was down to 19 ships. They sailed for many more days until they got out of the Mediterranean and sailed north. They had their sights set on somewhere warm and sunny. His original homeland, Ithaca, was getting real old. While sailing past Spain, crazy Spaniards tried to swim out to the ships and rape the crews. Shots from arrows dispatched most of the idiots. Others drowned.

Chapter 2: The voyage north to England, and then Russia[edit | edit source]

Odysseus and the others needed to dock at England to buy supplies from the Brits, who were quite generous, but, the snotty Queen Ophelia Ballz, refused to give them directions to their ideal destination of tropical climate and beautiful women. They simply gave her the finger and sailed to Russia to see if the Czar would help. After many more days, they got to the dock, but an ancient nuke hit one of his ships, killing all onboard it. It was an ancient one, so the other 18 ships survived. After making peace and getting directions, they told the Czar to go attack England for some reason (probably because the queen was a snot). They sailed with new provisions through stormy seas, shipwrecking another vessel, and killing half the crew onboard. Odysseus helped pull the survivors onboard.

Chapter 3: Blown off course[edit | edit source]

After many perilous days of sailing, Odysseus's 17 remaining ships touched down on ancient Cuba. Fidelus Castrous, the current ancient king, told them to piss off. Odysseus was not happy, so he speared him on a kabob and fed him to his pet cat. this place was tropical like they wanted, but the women were either whores or ass-raping ugly, so they sailed to the nearby bahamas, where they met a wise (or crazy, who knows) man whol told them this: "Yo bitches, the place full of long living beautiful women and a tropical climate ain't here, so shut the fuck up and listen! You need to go to the gay prophet in canada, and offer one of your men to his dick. only then will he tell you where to go. now piss the hell off."

Chapter 4: Canada[edit | edit source]

After going up the coast, Odysseus reached Canada. The Canadians tried to rape every man in plain sight. After losing an entire ships crew to gay men, he reached the gay prophet and forced him to tell him the destination of their dreams. He said Odysseus would need to pass through many obstacles before reaching his destination. His ideal destination was located on a small isand, quite close to Easter Island. The Panama canal was obviously not built so the ships set off to sail around the top of North America.

Chapter 5: Eskimos and Ice[edit | edit source]

Odysseus and 15 ships made it to the arctic. The others got bored or were shipwrecked by Poseidon, because he was pissed. They had to get through a narrow channel of water through the ice to get to the Pacific Ocean. After about a day, cannibalistic eskimos with pet seals noticed the convoy of ships, and set out with a wild cry to destroy them and eat all the greek's testicles. The greeks had arrows dispatch most of them, but some got onto ships, so Odysseus and his men had to fight with swords and spears. The eskimos killed off and took one ship, leaving the other 14 to escape.

Chapter 6: The Land of the Dead[edit | edit source]

The fleet was desperately low on supplies, so they decide to stop at the scenic Land of the Dead. Here while they got water, Odysseus met with several ghosts of accquaintances he had known in the past. These included Achilles, Genghis Khan, his mom, your mom, Jesus, and Ajax. All of them (except Jesus) complained about how they would rather be making the world better, killing more people, or having affairs. Odysseus told Achilles "You appear to be happy," but Achilles said "HAPPY?!?!? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? BEING DEAD AND SITTING IN THIS GAY PLACE SUCKS!" Among them was his wife, who was pissed at him for wanting to go to a place with beautiful women. She had killed herself waiting for him. She wailed, "Why would you ever try to do this?!?! Do you love me? That war poisoned your mind!" He flipped her off and just said "There's better women where we are going!" She yelled that Ajax was hotter and more buffed anyway. He finally got tired of talking to dead people, but zombies came up out of the ground and Achilles said "You need to fight through a crowd of the living dead before leaving Odysseus." While all the ghosts watched, a huge zombie killing spree took place, and Odysseus beheaded more than he could count. One ship was destroyed in the fight and Odysseus and the others barely escaped.

Chapter 7: Asia[edit | edit source]

Odysseus and his men were again blown off course by Poseidon, who was enjoying their constant misfortune. They were alreay down to 13 ships. They landed on the Korean peninsula and went to ask the leader about directions and supplies. The leader, Kimus Jongus Illius the 2nd said that his country was being attacked by Mongolian Hunting Parties, and he would give them help if they helped repel the attack. Odysseus and his men got the supplies, but 5 ships were lost in the battle,so yeaaa then yeaa nd liek yeaa although it was won. He continued down the coast with 8 ships to Taiwan, an uninhabited island at that time. For a moment it seemed like their destination! The women who surprisingly lived here were hot, the climate was warm, and the vegetation was plentiful. But the women turned out to be cannibalistic sexists who hated men. ANOTHER ship was destroyed with the crew eaten. Odysseus said "Boy this place is getting hard to find!" He pulled out his map given to him by the Korean king when they left, and directed the ships towards the southeast pacific to find Easter Island. If they found Easter Island, they would find their destination.

Chapter 8: Encounter with Poseidon[edit | edit source]

Many days passed on the open sea. Odysseus and the others were getting quite bored with their nintendo greekcube, and hoped to find an Xbox 360 or Nintendo Wii on their island. After a while, Poseidon himself came up from the waters on a whale(gay), and said "I challenge Odysseus to a duel! If I lose, I will bother you no more! If I win, you men will never reach your island of choice!" Odysseus pulled out his sword and swung it at Poseidon, but it was deflected by the god's trident. A furious battle occurred, with each man giving the other many injuries. Finally, Poseidon called a draw, and turned to tell all the other men. But Odysseus, being known for trickiness, drove his sword into Poseidon's back, and twisted it several times. He fell dead then killed some eskimo penguins and they took his trident before giving him the deep six(throwing him overboard).

Chapter 9: Easter Island[edit | edit source]

Many more days passed with clear seas. Since the god of oceans was gone, the waters would always be calm. The Greeks saw an island in sight. They went right alongside a high cliff and Odysseus started to climb along with 5 of his men. The other men stayed with the 7 ships below. While exploring the somewhat treeless landscape, they saw many large stone heads in the ground, and even a village, but no one was there. Back at the ships, one sailor, a man named Shittus, noticed people high up on the cliffs. He waved to see if it was Odysseus and the others, but instead arrows and flaming grass balls rained down on them. All ships but one were destroyed. Odysseus and the 5 others were the only ones left alive. They went back and saw their ships were destroyed and the men gone. They saw a large smoke plume coming from the village, and Odysseus told 2 men to go down and secure the one intact ship. Odysseus and the 3 other went to the village and hid behind stone heads to see Crazy natives eating the remains of their comrades. Their scrotums were pinned on a stone head and their dicks were used as necklace pendants. Their balls were used for food. Odysseus and the 3 others tried to run, but were seen, and a hail of arrows came down. one man went down, and Odysseus jumped off a cliff to swim to his ship. The other 2 men remained to fight. No one knew what happened to them, until researchers found preserved Greek penises in a cave thousands of years later. It was believed they met the same fate as the others. Anyway, Odysseus sailed away eastward, vowing to never return to the island.

Chapter 10: The Destination[edit | edit source]

After about 3 days, an island was seen in the distance. Odysseus was wary of risking his last ship, due to the loss of 19 others. He and the other 2 men instead anchored it off the coast and swam to the island. What they saw after a long hike through the jungle was breathtaking. The 3 Greeks saw a village of nothing but beautiful women, who welcomed them and gave them soothing spa treatments. This concluded Odysseus's long journey, and he and the 2 other men stayed on the island, and they soon found that they were immortal on this island, and stayed here with all the other women and lived the good life. This island has been known as New Ithaca, and it is still undiscovered today.