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Perseus was was shocked, I tell you!

Greek Hero and Surfer Perseus is the son of Zeus and the mortal Danaë. Living a somewhat normal life, he learned how to fish, run along the beach, surf the waves, and for some reason his mother taught him the ancient skill of using a sword to get your point across. Plus, there were always problems that plagued him and his mother. For one, it was garden snakes. They were always eating all the tomatoes and turnips. Until they brought home some rabbits to live in the garden. That was when the snakes were eaten by the rabbits. And then, just to add to the already pretty much destroyed garden, the rabbits ate all the other food in it. Then ate all the chocolate candy. Then ate mutton and mashed potatoes for dinner. And ate some parts of the bamboo hut Perseus lived in. Still Perseus was a good boy and didn't mind it so much. Until the rabbits started outnumbering the original rabbits who ate themselves into a coma.

Perseus took note of all the many rabbit holes that his rabbits would leave scattered all over the place. There were even rabbit holes on the beach, near the mountains, across the plains, and there was a hidden passageway to a rabbit hole that would reveal itself if Perseus turned a certain brick in the fireplace mantle. Something that always unnerved him, because that was scary. One night, while he was building a fire in the fireplace, in his bamboo hut, he thought it might be a good idea to have a look in the rabbit hole. After the fire went out, of course. But he didn't like the dark, and it was scary. So he waited until daylight, the fire had long died down, and he opened the passageway and ventured into the hole. The only thing he found in the hole was a dining room table, a teacup collection, and some weird talking rabbit who kept going on about everyone else being mad. Perseus took the table and teacups and brought them up out of the hole. His mother welcomed the new items, but instructed the strange rabbit to behave or she'd have to ask him to leave. Then a cat came and rubbed against Perseus' leg and he picked up the kitty and begged his mother to let him keep it. She agreed but the cat would disappear and reappear in different places. This was very strange and they didn't know how to feed the cat until they figured out that if they could see the cat's smile, that was where to sit down a dish of food. This is really the starting point of how weird Perseus' life was going to get. The snakes, the rabbits, the rabbit holes, the mad talking rabbit, and a cat.

The story of Perseus is sorta kinda tragic. An epic story written by many playwrights and novelists, whose philosophies were just as outdated as the late, great Robinson Crusoe.

Young Perseus[edit | edit source]

The carefree days of Perseus' youth.

It wasn't going well. It was quite bad. He was born and he and his mother were thrown into some large wooden box and tossed into the ocean. The wooden box wasn't an ordinary coffin. It was seaworthy and had features that allowed oxygen inside of it, while keeping the raging sea and tides from sinking it. It was a hell of a trunk. Or wardrobe. It was a handy thing. But once Perseus and his mother were safely marooned on a deserted island somewhere in the Aegean Sea, they opened the lid and rose up out of it, scaring the shit out of the locals and a few monkeys, who all believed they were Vampire Americans.

But they settled in, got themselves a bamboo hut complete with four bedrooms, two baths, and a fireplace. They spent a lot of the time on the beach. They'd go swimming, surfing, and sailing. The wooden box had many uses. When Perseus attached a strange white flag he'd found along the beach with the strange sign that read Atlantis - 5 Miles Down, to the box, it served as a decent sailing boat. When he tipped it sideways, it made a good surfboard. And when he and his mother were taking tap dancing lessons, it could be turned upside down and used as a little stage. They loved to entertain the natives of the island.

The natives, of course, loved Perseus' sense of humor and were always thrilled when he came up with new things to entertain them with. It wasn't a bad gig. They were so easily amused. He had a lot of fans. They were nice and very good fans. They consisted of starfish, seagulls, bats, seals, dolphins, some whales, and a group of monkeys who could sing.

Perseus led a carefree life, but it was weird much of the time whenever he had to deal with snakes, and killer rabbits. That was the one thing he was always training to be prepared for. To battle snakes and rabbits that were always tormenting the snakes. The snakes were something to be avoided however. Always slithering around on the beach, impersonating eels. And eels were what Perseus dreaded the most. It was on account of an incident involving an electric eel that Perseus was super cautious of. They could not be trusted to keep the generator going during storms and so, he and his mother learned how to fly a kite to safely hook up to any flying electric eels in the sky.

Meeting Andromeda[edit | edit source]

Perseus was always being confronted with life and death situations.

The accounts of Perseus and Andromeda meeting each other vary from region to region. In southern Greece, it is said that he met her while she was looking out over the sea, while he polished his surfboard. She was curious what it was, so he taught her Surfing. In the west, it's said that he met her when he was wrangling up mythical beasts and she happened to be on a runaway horse-dragon-ostrich-eagle. In the north the story is that he met Andromeda while she was searching for Area 51, and in the east, the account of their first meeting was that they were both being taken by pirates to be sold to a Persian king-pterodactyl-hyena. But those were just the stories of folk who were not there and were making shit up.

The true account involved Perseus being in the south and while surfing, saw Andromeda and lost focus for a moment and got caught in a whirlwind and swept into the west. He had to run like crazy to get away from the mythical beast, of which Andromeda had been calling to get it back home before nightfall. Perseus ran so far that he ended up in the north and had to hitch a ride from a UFO of which Andromeda had been using for flying lessons. When the craft landed in the east, they were kidnapped by pirates. Fortunately they eventually got away. But while they were in the belly of the pirate ship, they struck up a conversation and got to know each other a little. That is the true account of how Perseus and Andromeda met.

The couple traveled together and had some laughs. Somewhere in all of this, they decided to get even with the pirates because they felt insulted and injured by their brutish ways and had to learn to do ship things. Like catching monsters in nets that tried to eat them. They were appalled. It wasn't very nice of those pirates. It was during this time that Perseus wanted to gather a Greek fleet to sail the seas and fight any pirate that he could find. Andromeda was down with it, but warned Perseus that the gods and goddesses would somehow step in and screw things up.

The more Perseus and Andromeda spent time together, the more their relationship grew into love and a desire to collect seashells. Not the normal kind that could be found on the beach, oh noooo. These were shells that were collected to form a Big Dumb Object. Before long they were the best at their craft. They traveled back to Andromeda's home of Joppa. Perseus noticed that most Joppans were retarded. And some of them very large.

Greece was overrun with locust-aliens at times.

Perseus met the parents, the extended family, and noted that a massive statue of the goddess Thetis took up the entire foyer of Andromeda's home. There were only a few chairs that would fit in the main room, and a small table off to the side. Perseus sat down, lit up a smoke and propped his feet up on the table. He took a few puffs before asking Andromeda's mother, Cassiopeia, if he could have her blessing to marry her daughter. This was how it was done back then, it was sexy and very manly to start making oneself at home when requesting to be a part of the family. Cassiopeia was naturally enthused about it, and went ahead and mentioned Andromeda's former boyfriend being out of the picture and what a jerk he was, and how she was so happy that her daughter found someone new.

Perseus knitted his brow and asked who this former boyfriend was. Andromeda had already hidden herself behind the giant eyesore of the Thetis centerpiece. Being so embarrassed, she couldn't believe her own mother would bring up the stupid ex-boyfriend. Cassiopeia went on to describe the ex as a sort of half-man, half-goat, half-tengu creature. Telling Perseus that he was bad news. Perseus reassured Andromeda that everything was going to be okay and not to worry. He would save her if the ex ever showed his weird ass face around Joppa ever again.

Oh... Cassiopeia began to say. Yeah the ex-boyfriend, the stupid jerk who's got a cursed face, yeah I forgot to mention that he's the son of Thetis whose likeness you see here taking up all this space. Andromeda literally wanted to die.

Perseus gasped and took a moment to catch his breath. Summoning up the courage to offer up a long run-on sentence, he said This won't go well. Thetis is the main attraction in this place, although a very overdone knick-knack that demolishes any sense of feng shui, wouldn't she be pissed off if her son is not only unable to marry Andromeda, but that his ex-girlfriend is being married to me in front of this ghastly sculpture? I mean, think of it, it's like having an ex Mother-in-law's likeness at your own wedding, and, that's just creepy. It's unheard of. We're gonna have to get rid of the fucking statue.

The Deal With The Crazy Bitch Goddess[edit | edit source]

The goddesses worked on Perseus' psyche and made him wear a vampire cape. Just long enough to get him to accept an even more radical concept, that he had been living as the wrong persona all this time. He wasn't a snake hunter or a rabbit wrangler, but really a fish-owl-snake-goat. The goddesses convinced him of this. Later on, he did recognize how silly it was but that was after he tried to catch fish by leaping out of trees and crawling through the grass while trying to eat it. But during this time Perseus was subjected to listening to three witches (which he would have to encounter again later on) yap about how he should take the advice of the goddesses and practice the skill of chopping people's head off.

Lots of lost heads is the theme of the story here.

During the time the goddesses were trying to brainwash Perseus, they had already cooked up a plan to use him as a scapegoat to kill Medusa. Because...Poseidon. Athena gave him some expensive gifts. A helmet, a sword, a shield, and a Tiffany set of cuff links. Athena also provided him with anti-itch cream. Not sure why he was given this but it would be needed to climb some silly dusty, jagged mountain in the future. Perseus, still under the impression that he was a fish-owl-snake-goat, used the helmet to headbutt Andromeda's ex-boyfriend. But he had no choice. The ex did confront him and told him that he never answered any riddle and therefore could not have Andromeda. Don't be silly! Perseus insisted, and that's when he stomped the ex into jelly. Coming back to Andromeda he told her the ex had been in an unfortunate accident with a goat that smashed into his grill and bit him on the ankles and flew him off into the sky, taking him for a swim where he happened to drown. Perseus spoke of trying to save her ex from drowning but for some reason his grip was too strong and the ex's hand just came right off. Andromeda liked that. But when Perseus pulled out the severed hand from his cloak, it freaked her out and she told Perseus to get rid of that. Then wondered why he carried it with him all the way back to Joppa. Andromeda told Perseus that he was weird. But the subject was dropped and they continued to plot against the pirates. Andromeda told her lover about the creature known as the Giant Goldfish of Doom.

Meanwhile Cassiopeia wasn't going to wait for her daughter and her beloved to tie the knot. Those grandchildren weren't going to make themselves. Although Athena would appear to remind the mother that she was really reaching and to stop being such a mortal. Andromeda would say Stop it, Mother, I was just sick earlier because the cook forgot that I was allergic to Centaurian stakes!

Perseus and Andromeda didn't keep anyone waiting and despite that the statue of Thetis was still in the foyer, they got married underneath its seething glare. When Cassiopeia offered a toast to the newly wedded couple, she boasted that her daughter was lovelier than the stupid Thetis statue sitting behind them. Then went on to add that Thetis was an eyesore, a really bad house guest, and had severe weight problems. All the guests began to laugh hysterically and some of them brought tomatoes and threw them at the god-awful statue. Thetis had had enough and caused the head of the massive marble monstrosity to fall off and hit the floor, barely missing the front row of onlookers.

Perseus and Andromeda finally get even with the pirates.

Perseus immediately jumped toward the head and began to carry it off saying that it's much easier to move it now that it was in pieces. But the head came to life and caused Perseus to draw his sword and stab at it. It didn't work. He was very disappointed and said he had a shitty sword after all. But the head of Thetis started ranting about being insulted and demanded that everyone must chain Andromeda to the sacrificial stone on the beach to be offered up to the Kraken.

Andromeda told the head to keep her broken marbled nose out of her business. The statue of Thetis began to crumble and the rest of the statue fell into a thousand pieces. Perseus and many of the guests began picking up the pieces and sweeping out the rest of the debris. But Andromeda was depressed and asked her mother to get a stunt double to do the Kraken thing, because she wasn't in the mood for any of this shit. Andromeda's mother told her that she would try.

A date was set for the sacrifice of Andromeda. Naturally Perseus stonewalled the Greek soldiers as long as he could. That's when it struck him. A plan of getting even with those pirates went off like a light bulb in his head. He spoke to his love about the Plan and that he even came up with a Plan B just in case the first plan didn't work. They would lure the pirates to the Kraken and there they would be devoured. The plan went smoothly enough, and after a month of playing cat and fish, they called upon the Kraken to emerge from the sea and he ate the pirates. Then Perseus asked the Kraken to not eat Andromeda since they did provide the sea monster with a very nice meal. The Kraken agreed to not harm Andromeda. However they failed to tell anyone else of these developments and the Kraken had a lousy memory.

It was at this point that another crazy bitch goddess, Aphrodite, sent some weirdie winged harpy to Perseus telling him that if he wants to save his beloved Andromeda that he must take the head of Medusa and shine it right at the sea beast. And then informed him that unfortunately he'd have to go and visit the three witches again and find out how to kill the Kraken. When Perseus pointed out that the harpy just told him how to kill the Kraken, the harpy told him that was just one way to do it. He needed more options and a second opinion for fuck sakes. Perseus was willing to go and sit with the witches and listen to their endless boring bullshit but he would need more of that anti-itch cream. And a million drachmas.

The Three Witches[edit | edit source]

This just wasn't Perseus' day. Or week. Or month. Meh, throw in a year, and you get the idea. The journey to the side of the mountain, with the Jabberwocky on the top, and the 'No Parking' sign out front was difficult and riddled with booby traps. Not to mention a large drop into a very deep crack in the earth that separated the mountain from the rest of the land. But Perseus had to get into the mountain somehow, and talk with three witches. One of which was said to hide in bushes, and wait for someone to pass by so she can rip their face off.

It figures.

Just for giggles, Andromeda accompanied Perseus to the forbidding shrine of the three witches. Since Perseus had previously encountered them, he told his entourage and the princess to avoid any apples. Or red slippers. One of his buddies along for the trip had asked him how he got up the mountain before without killing himself. Perseus told him that he didn't. The three witches just moved to another location because they were also three bitches.

When everyone crossed the chasm fairly safely and entered into the dark abode where those witches were, they noticed they were already invited to dinner. It took a moment but they realized that they were the dinner. But Perseus thought ahead and brought them an egg salad. For the tasty salad they gave Perseus a lot of intel on Medusa. Her full name, where she was, and what times she went out to hunt for food. They also informed him that her head will defeat the Kraken, but that she wouldn't give her head to anyone, and couldn't be talked into just being nice and coming along to just look at the Kraken.

Perseus really struggled with the concept of doing the deed but he was already a bit brainwashed by the crazy bitch goddesses and not to mention Thetis taught him how easy it was when she let her own head fall off. She was even still talking after the fact so, Perseus shrugged and thought what-the-hell. But he still wanted to know if there were any other options of kicking the Kraken's ass without involving Medusa.

Medusa just never really expected that to happen.

The witches then went into a long story about everyday women that got turned into gorgons, snake-headed creatures that had a special gift to stone anyone just by looking at them. The general theory was that the main goddesses like Aphrodite and Maude were extremely jealous and vain. They liked to do things like that because...they could. Perseus learned that he could try and find another gorgon and attempt to talk her into playing nice and defeating the Kraken, but the withes didn't know where anyone other than Medusa, lived.

Then they tied Perseus to a slab of stone and told him that there was yet another way to defeat the old cracked-up monster in the sea, and that it involved using Weapons of Mass Destruction. That if he was really, really, really, REALLY wanting to end the Kraken once and for all, he would have to be willing to blow up the entire city of Joppa along with it. Perseus honestly thought about this one for quite a bit. It was a great idea and seemed logical. But it would also kill him, Andromeda, Cassiopeia and a lot of other innocent people. And not everyone in Joppa was fully retarded so, he figured he best start getting a move on, and set about to collect the head of Medusa. Going forth, he wasn't afraid because the witches did remind him again that he was a fish-owl-snake-goat. He had all that power. What could go wrong? Other than being turned to stone, that is.

The harpy flew back to Aphrodite and gave her the news. Aphrodite patted it on the head and gave the harpy a treat. When the goddess wasn't looking, the harpy flew to Zeus and told him that his plan of blowing up Joppa was off the table. Zeus frowned.

The Kraken[edit | edit source]

When Perseus and his entourage went to Medusa's palace, they apparently forgot to bring Andromeda with them. Andromeda returned to Joppa against her better judgement. She was really considering moving to the Nile. Thetis was busy having marble delivered to Joppa. The Joppans took that as a sign to sculpt another large, cumbersome statue of Thetis. But they held off until they were sure that the princess would be chained nude to a rock on the edge of the sea. Andromeda agreed to be chained to the damned rock and not fight back if she got to wear her sacrificial clothes. Then she ordered scuba gear, a superhero cape, and a gun holster.

The Kraken in all his gory.

Perseus found Medusa, chopped her head off, and got sick. He recovered and then began his journey back to Joppa. Perseus had to keep the head in a ziplock baggie, inside a plastic sack, inside a biohazzard container. Nonetheless he carried it all the way back. The rest of his entourage rode about fifty paces behind him, at a safe distance. Perseus rolled his eyes and called them wimps.

The Kraken was a massive creature, and whenever he came ashore of any place throughout the empire things got wrecked. People died. It was his style, he was a large beast that had to keep his reputation of being The Kraken. Having a height of three hundred feet and around forty feet of mass just in his feet alone, he stood like a man on two legs but had four gigantic arms, a couple of webbed fins protruding from his sides, and could shape-shift into a giant squid-like creature. Whenever this happened, some ship was usually being carried in his mouth while the crew had either jumped ship or were devoured. When the monster was in his more human form, his face was like Sam the Eagle and his head like Blinky.

The Kraken was such a menace to humans, but also to other mammals, too. And just anything in the ocean in general. Living mostly on anything that walked, swam, or flew through the air. When Perseus realized he could be too late to save Andromeda, he was reminded again that there was a horse that could fly and to seek Pegasus. He secured the steed, but was reminded that the Kraken ate flying horses if he could get them. Perseus then tried to book a flight on Delta Air Lines. When he was informed of all the flight delays he just took his chances with the horse. It wasn't easy riding, flying, half skydiving, half steering a horse in mid-air but he managed and finally got used to the air pockets the galloping would cause.

The Kraken wanted a happy meal, not a small nibble of angry pissed off bitch.

The Kraken was released, Aphrodite was acting like a drama queen, and Thetis was rubbing her hands together like a schizoid. Andromeda was waiting, and already annoyed. She cursed out some soldiers after taking their armor when they tried to rip her clothes off. Some say the Joppans actually saw the princess bite one of the soldiers and then tried to scratch his eyes out. The Kraken swam up to the shore, saw Andromeda and started acting menacing and talked shit about how she was only an appetizer and that the Joppans were insulting him by bringing him such a small treat for all his effort. Andromeda told him to piss off. There was an argument between the monster and the princess. The Joppans stood by, the gods huffed a little, smoke came out of some of their ears. When Perseus got to the scene, he had to jump off Pegasus into the water with the head of Medusa, as the animal was spooked by a large fish creature just standing there. The Kraken loudly protested and yelled What new fuckery is this?! while Perseus gathered himself and a dismembered head onto the shore. Slipping on a pair of surgeon's gloves, he pulled the head out from the container, then had to fight with the ziplock baggie in order to get the head out of it. The Kraken was still arguing with Andromeda about her lack of being a decent lunch or snack when Perseus finally got Medusa's head out without turning himself into stone. Andromeda whispered over to him that he was holding the thing correctly and that he could take off the blindfold already.

When the Kraken saw the head of Medusa looking right at him, he froze and then, as predicted, turned into a mass blob of stone. Perseus looked on at the spectacle and shrugged. Well, that was easier than I thought. But then, so was everything else come to think of it. And Andromeda, now unchained, told the Joppans they had better not be bringing that shit into her home. After the mess that Thetis had made previously. The stoned Kraken then began to crack and fall to pieces. Andromeda looked to the heavens, shook her fist and mocked Thetis herself. Both Thetis and the Kraken are just cheap Chinese thrift store crap!

But the retarded portion of the Joppans were unhappy with the turn of events and began using the marble to sculpt Andromeda. Perseus had to stop them from re-chaining Andromeda back up to the sacrificial rock to make statues of her being vulnerable and naked, so he used Medusa's head to turn them into stone. Eventually he was thwarted by someone with night-vision goggles who jumped him and ripped out Medusa's eyes. After that Andromeda and Perseus had to fight their way past the shoreline and scrambled to get to Pegasus who was taunting them by flying just a foot above them. When the flying horse was through playing games, they mounted him and flew off a couple of blocks away from the shore's souvenir shoppe.

Such Plans, Much Gods, Bad Combo[edit | edit source]

When Perseus and Andromeda arrived back at the temple where she lived, Cassiopeia was nowhere to be found. So they began to go off together to be alone. That's about the time that Cassiopeia showed up and insisted the couple must be married before too long. Andromeda wanted to speak with her mother about why all the retards of Joppa were invited to the sacrifice. Telling her that they only made things worse. Her mother explained that there was no way she could have stopped them from being there, they were a bunch of snake-pig-spider-cows and that was a rough thing to overcome. It elevated them to the status of special citizens of the time.

Honeymoon. Literally.

Perseus married Andromeda, and they went far away for their honeymoon. In fact there are ancient scribblings that they actually went to the Moon. After dealing with snakes, and Krakens, and pirates, pigs, spiders, horses and cows they felt they needed to be somewhere where none of those things were. But as luck would have it, the gods suddenly wanted to take over the Moon. And they dropped the young couple back to the old homeland where there were snakes, pigs, and lizards, and all of that was in abundance. Perseus noticed that the rabbits he used to be flooded with, were strangely absent. He went to the temple of the gods, found a random god statue and asked WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THE RABBITS?

Zeus appeared and lit up a smoke. "I had to relocate them", he said. Perseus took that to mean that it was the Zeus's problem and no longer an issue he had to worry about. But as Perseus began to walk away, Zeus made him an offer he couldn't refuse. If Perseus wanted to be free of all the retards of Joppa, he could move onto the moon. After some negotiating Perseus agreed to move to the lunar surface as long as Andromeda and him would be left alone. No more snakes. But as per usual there was a disagreement with the other gods and goddesses about the couple living on the moon. Not to mention that the moon is where Zeus had relocated all those rabbits.

This was such a bad situation for the couple and they figured they'd have to expand and would need more space than just the tiny little moon. So Zeus came up with an idea. He gave the couple free run of a nearby galaxy and situated the stars in the night sky to represent them. In case their relatives wanted to visit, they would only need to look to the skies and go from there. Both Perseus and Andromeda got a set of stars to each of their names and for awhile they did well with their stellar explorations. Until Cassiopeia and a large snake got their own set of stars.

See Also[edit | edit source]