Giant Goldfish of Doom
The Giant Goldfish of Doom is a large golden fish that lives in any ocean, sea, lake, or whale-sized fishbowl that can hold it. It weighs an astounding 900 tons, and measures in length about 5,280 feet long. About a mile give or take. An ancient fish that survived many millennia by appearing to be a golden light in the water shining like sunken treasure. Using its colorful fins and sparkling scales to lure sailors into the waves only to be devoured by the gluttonous crucian carp. If the Sirens had competition it was surely this creature, which needed only to glint in the sunlight to attract prey. It worked mainly on humans and had a very successful run during the Gold Rush when it hung out on the shores of California waiting for its next easy meal.
It has also been known to attract Martians and sharks as well as an occasional lobster for a tasty meal. While sharks and lobsters do belong in the sea as is their natural environment, the Martians that invaded Flat Earth should have known better than to come around here and start shit with Marines as in Marine Life. Once the Martians saw the sheer size of the goldfish that was doom by definition, they tried to escape but the fish swam faster than their little webbed feet could peddle and they were quickly gobbled up and the fish burped and picked its teeth. Reportedly the pick it used was the trident of Poseidon.
The massive fish is known to enjoy shark almost as much as lobster. It leads a generally isolated life. No other fish in the sea, or mammals for that matter, dare swim anywhere near it. Even whales avoid it. The events that unfolded around the time the Martians invaded and ended up being eaten by the giant goldfish led to the surviving Martians' listening more closely to the whales who did, in fact, try to warn them. To return the favor, the Martians took some whales to their planet to be safe from the goldfish of doom. It is not known if the whales actually wanted that but as a result there are indeed legendary Whales on Mars. In recent times, the monster fish has been less active and though there are the random sightings of its vastness, those who spot it now can never get a good picture of it. Just like the wretched and miserable situation with those who encounter the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, and the missing milk.
Where It Came From[edit | edit source]
The periodic table suggests that the creature may have emerged from Au, Zn, and Ti. But in the archaeological periodic list, it's mutually agreed that it came from around the time in between the Paleolithic era to the Roman period. Which roughly spans the beginning of the Stone Age right on through the Bronze Age, the Iron Age and landing somewhere on the more historical times as recorded by Monks.
Swimming was its main focus when it was a guppy, when it was just a tiny thing. It was so cute. So adorable. It knew it had something very special, for as far as a fish can figure its own worth, this one was a genius among the fishes. But it became obsessed with eating and filling up on tasty fish food and other aquatic life. Growing to its enormous size that it is today. Being a genius it became almost diabolical. It became the fish version of the Devil. Ever since it realized it could make short order of a boatload full of stunned sailors, it developed a Jaws-like persona. It watched all the movies about killer sharks, killer whales, killer squid, even killer dolphins. The fish would stalk its prey and snap its victims in half.
In recent history, the goldfish had become so famous in maritime lore that the emperor of Japan sought to catch it and train it for military purposes. He was brooding over how the United States Marine Corps tricked him into signing over all rights to use his nuclear arsenal. The emperor gladly gave up the ability to use nuclear missiles since every other nation had also given up using theirs. But later on he found out that his was the only nation that actually did possess nukes. All others had lied about being able to bomb anyone. Everyone else had their missile silos hacked and defaced by playful aliens from Venus and in light of that, the emperor sought to unleash the terror that only the goldfish of doom could pull off.
Yet many attempts to capture the massive fish resulted only in massive failures. First the Japanese Navy was lost at sea when the fish capsized their ships off the coast of Guam. Then the plot thickened when the emperor called on Godzilla to make an effort to bring the goldfish to him and ended up having to abort the mission when the glint of its scales blinded the clumsy monster.
The goldfish wasn't playing around. It meant business and it was hating the Japanese emperor. It was insulted by the sulking ruler's gall to bring in Godzilla and have him come after its majestic self. So in light of that, the goldfish called on Moby-Dick and had him go after the emperor. Another battle ensued when the Japanese decided to nuke the whale. This however still didn't do anything to the whale, but other nations took note and became increasingly paranoid about what might happen to the new Sea World attraction that was built next to Pearl Harbor.
Where It's Going[edit | edit source]
The mystery that marine biologists try to solve about this elusive fish is where it lives, where it hunts, and where it goes off to when it needs to hibernate. The dozens of expeditions to the deepest oceans and the gathering of water samples and recorded data they had, still didn't bring them any closer to the answers they were looking for. What they had to do next was start asking around. They tried all the night clubs at ports and beach cocktail bars. Nobody could give precise co-ordinances but most of the locals in various islands around the Pacific Ocean gave the scientific team a lot of information from their personal experiences involving the giant fish.
A handful of fisherman gave their solemn oath that what they encountered was definitely the cause of their woes. Most of these accounts turned out to be merely the drunken ramblings of seaworthy men who were lucky enough to escape Cthulhu. Other witnesses gave a more detailed account of what they claimed was the goldfish, but as the team listened, it became more apparent that they were speaking of the infamous Lobstermoose.
The team was ready to call it quits when they happened to be approached by a man who told them his story. The man told them of the time his ship was nearly sunken by some eldritch squid-headed horror during his sojourn in the Pacific Ocean which gave them clues to search for sunken ships where the man almost had his ship sunk. They knew the fish liked sunken ships, jogging their memory about what they had already learned about it. With that they could plot a course since they had a pretty good idea where it was going, they only had to keep an eye out for sunken ships.
As usual, the marine biologists were typically educated morons who studied marine life from textbooks. Written by other marine biologists who survived whatever ordeals they encountered to document their findings. Meaning that they didn't really encounter marine life in the way nature intended. That is to note that the nature of the oceans is that marine biologists were the lowest on the food chain. Because they are retarded.
It Has An Army[edit | edit source]
When other goldfish around the world heard of the massive Goldfish of Doom, most relocated to the body of water where it lived. And although it cannot be proven, it is on good authority that the legendary fish is hanging out in the Black Sea. For several years between 1999 and 2000 the doom of the giant goldfish was pigeonholed into a lame campfire story until landlubbers started getting picked off the beaches along the Black Sea by unseen forces. The only evidence that people were being snatched was a trail of golden scales that led off into the waves. There were signs of struggle, sand thrashed about, harpoons that were fired at something but no whales could be found. Not to mention whoever used the harpoons were lousy aims and couldn't hit the side of a barn if their lives depended on it. Which, obviously in this case, their lives did depend on it. Not that it mattered. The fish army was going to win anyway.
At first authorities were chalking up the disappearances as another case of the giant goldfish of doom on a rampage but a few detectives and a rogue rookie suggested the possibility that more than one goldfish might be involved. The reason they believed that to be the case was because they had found lines along the beach in orderly fashion where every single one had golden scales trailing off into waves and what was definitely human arms trying to grasp the sand before being pulled into the sea.
The chief of police wanted this to be filed as a cold case, but things heated up when hundreds of people started missing. Standing on the rocks of the northern shore, the chief witnessed the army of the giant goldfish which lurked beneath the waves. Seemingly giving orders to the other goldfish to abduct a few detectives and the rookie as they stood further down shore. Although the army of goldfish weren't as large as their commanding goldfish leader, they were still quite large and appeared to be the size of a crosstown bus. The chief munched on an apple and thought it was a shame that his staff met an untimely end and a rather hideous death.
It Owns The Oceans[edit | edit source]
At the beginning of the Ice Age the oceans were solid and frozen, and in that little magical time there had been an object made of seaweed and titanium fused together that whatever or whoever had it in its possession, it would be seen as a sort of crown as the true owner of all the waters upon the earth. This natural phenomena would eventually come to be set loose whenever the seas melted. The seaweed that bound the sturdy encasing had become frail and started decaying. After a while the slimy leafy appendage unraveled and floated upward. This was said to be around the time the goldfish was born and began to grow rapidly. Swimming along the prehistorical blue seas it somehow managed to get this object stuck to one of its fins. The titanium object which resembled a sort of Ark of the Covenant but designed more like a seashell with that annoying seaweed attached to it, was now set firmly in one of the large, fanciful fins of the giant goldfish.
Although his golden majesty tried to get rid of it, it would not dislodge itself from the frustrated fish. It dragged the object around with it long enough for most other monstrous entities in all the seas to notice it and honor the goldfish of doom as the de facto owner of all the bodies of water anywhere in the deep. Poseidon himself let the creature claim ownership as long as he could still drum up an occasional Hurricane Of Horrendous Destruction and Death. Sharks, giant squid, giants of the deep and even Cthulhu would stay out of its way. Some aquatic lore even mentions that Cthulhu chose to slumber in R'lyeh as long as the fish of doom would leave him alone to quietly plot mankind's destruction.
Sometime in 1912, when some massive ship sunk in the Atlantic Ocean, the seaweed slipped off the giant goldfish's fins freeing it forever from the stupid object. The goldfish liked sunken ships and in this case it was due to the protruding smoke stacks that eventually loosened the seaweed from its fins. Since most underwater beings, monsters, fish, mammals, and mermaids are known to have hazy eyesight and went mostly on frequencies and smell, nobody noticed that the goldfish no longer sported the strange object and continued to acknowledge that the owner of all oceans remained to be the giant goldfish of doom. The object floated away and began to sink to the depths until it landed over an underwater geyser, spewing it back up toward the surface. A lone dolphin that had been downsized suddenly found itself entangled with the intrusive seaweed with the object dangled on the other end of it. Moral of the story is that the saga of the seas always presents an interesting twist.