From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“Hmm ... ah yes, I used to live in a barn. Until the commies took it away piece by piece in their submarines ...”

~ Some guy we asked about barns

“When I first read about barns being able to keep zombies out, I bought one immediately, but then they broke in...what happened?”

~ A zombie we asked about barns

Not to be confused with brains or bran.

Also see barn burning for something more fun to do with barns

Barns Today[edit | edit source]

Large, usually wooden, containers that you can walk into. They're used to store the most uninteresting things, depending on the person's nostril cavity. Barns are the key object used in barn burning. They have also been proven to act as hide outs for bird throwing. In very rare cases, barns will disguise R2-D2s as sheep, cows, horses, and dogs that heard cows and horses (but not sheep).

Sign posted on defective barns

How To Build A Barn[edit | edit source]

  1. Go to Walmart and buy five tons of lumber, two million nails, a hack saw, ice cream, and some kittens (you know you want to try it).
  2. Nail piece "A" to piece "B", piece "C" to piece "D", piece "CD" to "FBA", and finally piece "E" to piece "FDA".
  3. Insert door in any random portion of the barn to get inside. (Note: Do step three before step two)
  4. Eat ice cream
  5. Set up table, invite friends over, set box of kittens on table, and you know what happens next.

History of Barn Building[edit | edit source]

It all started in 1364 A.C.E., in the land once known as Pangaea. This awesome scientist was also the first to create matter. He thought if you put one and one together, you get two. Then, using that theory, put together the world's first box. After that he changed the incline of the roof to make the world's first barn. He expanded on the security of the barn to make sure that zombies and dinosaurs couldn't break through the barn's natural force field. This made the scientist very rich and popular among the cave trolls and imaginary dead people (no one in that time period could die due to the pureity of the atmosphere). Nobody knows what this scientist's name was, or what his occupation was. All we know is that a picture of a square and a scribble (thought to be the scientists signature) was dug up about three years from now. All other traces leading to the discovery of the barn have been huffed by horned indians.

Asploding Barns[edit | edit source]

Some people will try to see how big they can build their barns, then do illegal stunts inside them. Once the Government Slave Patrol sees the Black Warning Cloud, they sping into action to join in on the activities vearious people are conducting. Take caution when performing steps to asplode your barn.

How To Asplode A Barn

  1. Find Barn.
  2. Find asploding material that is used to asplode other material.
  3. Attach apsloding material to barn and set timer/light fuse.
  4. Stand far back, but not too far back, otherwise you won't be able to see the asplosion.
  5. Make sure that everything that you didn't want to asplode is out of the barn and somewhere safer.
  6. Kill self if you missed step 2.5, preferably with a 9mm Glock (it's proven to cure life, any, and all std's).