Sidney Powell
“In a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings, it’s said that this is the story of a time long ago. A time of myth and legend when the ancient gods were petty and cruel and they plagued mankind with suffering ...”
“This was Sparta, was Mount Olympus, was Mount Ida, was Ithaca, was, was, was. Now it's a massive array of servers and the mythical beast comes to finish "unfinished business".”
One of the most outrageous legendary events of all time involved Aphrodite, Poseidon, and Medusa. A mostly tragic tale, but a somewhat goofy tale, and very relevant to the story which I'm about to tell you here. It's very important to understand the history of these things to understand where things are now. So sit back and let the Greek epic of all things ancient and all things Greek modern mythos engulf you. Let the tides of Proteus transform and wash over you. I bring you tidings of Sidney Powell, an Oceanic Sea Goddess and a deliverer of judgement in the form of a Sea Monster and the relationship hearkening back to the three figures of Aphrodite, Poseidon, and Medusa.
It begins with Aphrodite being a jealous bitch who was so self-absorbed that she really thought that she was the only female in the cosmos. But Medusa was much better looking and Poseidon had a thing for her. So he went to her and seduced her. Not the other way around. As anyone worth their salt in Greek mythology knows, it was always the gods who seemed to be constantly horny. The goddesses just expected to get it whenever they wanted it. But because Nerites, another sea god, rejected Aphrodite's invitation to join her at Mount Olympus and opted to stay with his family in the sea, Aphrodite became even bitchier and turned him into a jellyfish. At first she turned him into a shellfish but he was so handsome as a lobster that she went with the jellyfish instead.
Because of Nerites, she became more neurotic and began turning any living being into random things. This was her mindset. That's how Aphrodite rolled. Enter Hydrus or Hydros as he was more commonly known. Aphrodite probably tried to invite him up to her freezer and he was the type to pass her advances by without so much as a wave. The gods of the sea are very good at waves. It was even more of a burn when Hydrus, Thesis, and Mud were the only three counted as major deities in the Orphic tradition. Going to Poseidon to complain of these things which made no sense to anyone but her, after all, this wasn't about who had major titles attached to the pantheon of the gods as it was about not getting her way. Poseidon took some pity on her and talked her out of turning Hydrus into a water-slide. Poseidon made a few flirtatious moves toward Aphrodite but she was all "We're just friends, keep it in your fins, dolphin boy!"
Poseidon laughed and shrugged it off. She wasn't his type anyway. Later on Poseidon saw Medusa. He fell in love. Or at least in lust with her. She was hanging out at the temple of Aphrodite, trying to polish the statue of Aphrodite's likeness in the manner she was instructed by Aphrodite to do. Medusa was basically used as a slave to clean up after Aphrodite's wild parties and orgies. It was a filthy job. But she caught the attention of the god and Poseidon came to her and they did what gods and mortal women usually do. In this case, chase each other around the alter, smashing a few pots, sparring with light sabers, and then finally falling into a convenient bed nearby and made love.
Aphrodite heard about this. Then Athena stepped in, being also a jealous bitch and just like that, Medusa was turned into a cow. At first. Then she was turned into a frog, but that was too witchy and black magicy. So poor Medusa was turned into a creature famously known as a Gorgon. With snakes for hair, and sea otters for elbows. Poseidon, being an important god, didn't bother to help Medusa and she was stuck with this look. But she did have the power to turn any living being into stone if they looked her in the eyes. A side effect that Aphrodite hadn't counted on.
Next enter another bitchy goddess Thetis, who couldn't raise her son right. The bastard killed unicorns and butterflies for sport. Unfortunately the city of Joppa allowed him to run amok and do shitty things, like murder and sending money to Saruman. So the princess Andromeda was offered up as the next victim for his brutal abuse. However Zeus himself stepped in and stopped the shenanigans. Zeus was pissed off about his beloved creations. Along with the main God's creation of unicorns and butterflies. So the son of Thetis was turned into a combination of a warthog and a big fat ass floating cupcake.
Andromeda was spared a horrible marriage and Thetis took note. She was busy picking out shoes at the time and couldn't be bothered. Added to that, when Zeus cursed someone it was permanent. Hardly anything she could do. Along came a Greek misfit by the name of Perseus. At first Perseus had a functioning brain. He fell in love with the princess of Joppa and planned to marry her. It was at this time when Thetis was suddenly not so busy anymore. And added to that Athena came up with a plan to give Perseus a few gifts that would enable him to murder Medusa after she helped the vain Aphrodite curse her because ... Poseidon.
These goddesses were, in fact, horrible psychotics. What unfolded next was a clash of Thetis, who could be technically compared to a Titan, but was a goddess who tried to fit the narrative of homemaker, and a clash of common sense. But Thetis was, in reality, a citywrecker. Joppans were hypnotized into being so retarded but pumped up so large that they were accurately portrayed in The War of the Gargantuas and Thetis, knowing she couldn't undo the curse on her bastard son, took revenge on the princess and Perseus. The princess was, in the eyes of Thetis, just some scrap to be thrown away and it didn't matter if she lived or died but Perseus could be made into a useful idiot. There was potential there. The males of this world were always so much more respected than anyone else who were not male. Including unicorns.
In light of this, the city of Joppa had been turned into such a shithole and was wasted by the Gargantuans. Thetis and her destructive ego and unrealistic punishment on those who would not bow down to her or her son, were doomed and Joppa was therefore equally as doomed. Enter the Kraken.
Here is where Zeus sat back and let Thetis, Aphrodite, and the rest make all the mistakes in the scrolls. Poseidon joined Zeus in the amphitheater and brought a large vessel of popcorn.
Joppa Flagged, Kraken Kit Assembled[edit | edit source]
“Thetis, you ignorant slut!”
As the scrolls wrote themselves, typically Aphrodite, Athena, and all of them made every mistake as predicted. Cassandra tried to warn them but even she was like "Oh fuck it." Athena gave Perseus a sword, a shield, a helmet, and some itch-ointment. Aphrodite went in and introduced him to three witches. Who made man-stew and human-appetizers. Perseus, who just wanted to be with the princess, was tied down and made to listen to all the hair-brained ideas on how to win against a titan and win Andromeda's love.
By the time the brainwashing was through, Perseus was identifying himself as a fish-owl-snake-goat. This originally wasn't to do with Medusa in mind, just a testament to how demented those goddesses and witches were. Then Thetis went about her gruesome task to destroy the lives of Andromeda and Perseus. But she wanted something that would send a message to everyone else to never be judgemental to her bastard son again, regardless of who or what he kills. Zeus asked her what she would have the people of Joppa do. Thetis didn't take long to answer. She wanted the people of Joppa to rough the princess up, let all the perverts have as much marble as they wanted so they could sculpt statues of the princess, forcing her to pose nude for hours, and having Perseus cut anyone's head off that tried to rescue her. Perseus wasn't down with that and told everyone that he would rescue Andromeda and then refuse to cut his own head off. Then offered to cut off all their heads.
Zeus spoke to Thetis about the sea beast known as the Kraken, and would probably be of better effect than all of that nonsense. Zeus was planning the destruction of the entire city of Joppa because it had become so corrupt that they would have obeyed Thetis's evil torment of two innocent people. But Zeus didn't let on that this was his ultimate plan and all Thetis could see was a sea creature that no one could defeat and she, as predictable as she was, would have the Kraken devour Andromeda. So decreeing that the princess must be offered up to the Kraken, the people of Joppa would be required to grab the princess and chain her to a rock by the sea.
Aphrodite sent in a harpy to talk to Perseus before Thetis would call on Poseidon to release the Kraken. The harpy informed Perseus that he could save his love if he collected the head of Medusa, as her powers could turn anyone into stone. Without asking too many questions of the harpy or remembering the days when doing such things to another human being, regardless of their looks was just wrong and horrible, he ended up going after Medusa. Meanwhile, Zeus and Poseidon figured they should have roles in this fiasco. Poseidon went to Thetis and asked her what she was up to. She demanded that he allow her to make the Kraken emerge from the water and smash the princess of Joppa. "Okay." was Poseidon's nonchalant answer. Zeus then readied himself to steer the Kraken toward the hidden chambers where Joppans were hanging out with the Roman emperor. But neither Zeus or Poseidon were prepared for what happened next. Perseus found Medusa, killed her, took her head, and raced to Joppa carrying her head the entire way. What was supposed to be the righteous destruction of Joppa became a clusterfuck of plans gone awry. Both Medusa and the Kraken showed up on the doorstep of the gods and demanded a refund.
While Perseus saved the princess, the city of Joppa was still hellbent on roughing up the princess and making her pose for statues, using marble to blaspheme the goddesses by honoring her beauty instead of theirs. And identifying as snake-pig-spider-cows. Perseus used Medusa's stone blasting powers to keep all the brutes away from the princess until someone wearing night vision goggles tore out Medusa's eyes forcing the young couple to flee to a safer section of the city. Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong. And Joppa's judgement was held off until Zeus could come up with something better.
Joppa Flopped, Kraken Kit Reassembled[edit | edit source]
“First I’d establish a motive, in this case the cheater saw the size of Trump’s crowds and became insanely jealous. Then I’d lose thirty pounds porking his daughter!”
The history of the events involving the Kraken, and Poseidon, Aphrodite, Medusa, et al had been rarely dusted off and told as fireside tales of monsters, creatures, and mixed up hybrids of batshit crazy ancient people whose names or faces could not be distinguished as nobody ever figured out how a cow-snake-fish lived back then.
But the gods never forgot. And a judgement awaited. Joppa still thrived, but went through a series of name changes and locations.
Enter Sidney Powell. Born in the Greek Isle of Sparta-V2, Sidney was trained at an early age to become a seer and a prophetess whose hair resembled to some degree, the locks of Medusa. Not a scaly hair, but the highlight color of a combination of a green mamba and a black mamba. She was known as a fierce fighting Spartan who would take down enemies with the sheer willpower of her hair. Because in certain lights, and angles, it did appear to resemble the legendary Medusa. And her hair had a mind of its own. In that Sidney was blessed with two brains. And she knew too much.
When the land that begrudgingly hosted the newest version of Joppa was under attack, Sidney stepped up and called out the secret doings of the newer versions of Aphrodite, Thetis, and Athena. The three witches. The harpies, and the minions of these latest versions of horrible psychotics. She also knew the entire script of The War of the Gargantuas and The War of the Worlds. Stating that she always like that word; Gargantua, and that she so rarely had an opportunity to use it in sentences. So she gathered a few peeps, and a dungeon troll who defeated the major dungeon trolls of New Yawn City, and a cowgirl who identified as just a regular female with no cow-like appendages, and confronted the conspirators and plotters, and just for good measure, confronted the major dungeon trolls who had fled to Hogwarts. Although the witches tried to place a spell on the dungeon troll by trying to turn his hair into rattlesnakes, it merely turned his hair into black gold ... Texas tea ... Next thing you know old Jeb's a nillionaire, for gettin' the witches as close to Sidney's group as possible.
This was an event that began a snowball effect, in essence an avalanche that would expose thousands of harpies who were shunned by the Sirens of old. The reason? Harpies are like diseases. They get each other. Their agenda seemed solely focused on Trump being an incarnation of Zeus. They would scream at the sky trying to provoke the gods to smite the Earth. These were the same creatures who assisted modern day Aphrodite to transform normal folks into monkey-chicken-hummingbirds. At the core of this was, of course, Poseidon. If Zeus was indeed the Trump figure, then Poseidon was most definitely John Durham.
Unlike the events in ancient Greece, Poseidon and Medusa in the form of Sidney Powell and John Durham were more conservative and less distracted with the surrounding ethos of the times. So neither one of them were going to be found in Aphrodite's temple doing anything other than searching for evidence. Obtaining evidence. Cataloging evidence. And using exhibits of evidence to record, upload, and file in a beast of a computer system known as The Kraken. This beast was built with the stone parts of the original Kraken and brought back to life. Had a makeover so nice that its appearance was fifty percent better than its former self. But the other half was still prone to old habits of diving into the ocean and sleeping on the nearest ocean floor under the water. And devouring fish and sometimes fishermen. This was a problem that the tech engineers were still trying to work out. And it wasn't easy having their computer servers just go off and jump in the ocean for a swim.
Naturally Aphrodite became enraged upon entering her temple and finding that all her secret plans of overthrowing the good people of anywhere, were ransacked. People who rejected her ambitions of turning everyone into strange combinations of creatures and placing Joppa as the center of the known world.
It was at this time that Aphrodite summoned Athena who was now Nancy Pelosi's stunt double Michael Jackson, Hermes who was now incognito as Elvis Presley, and Apollo who was trying to avoid any of the goddesses who had anything to do with Joppa. Then or now. Hermes and Apollo were both double agents. Safely it could be said that Athena wasn't the same, either. But Aphrodite was too self-centered to see beyond her pink gear. Aphrodite instructed the group to find and capture the Kraken and use whatever means necessary.
Stone Cold Revenge, Server'd Cold[edit | edit source]
“In Joppa bunny rabbit deep hole. In soviet Russia deep hole bunny rabbit YOU!”
In the day and age that a sea monster can be turned into a data center, is the day and age that whatever brought on the presence of said beast is the day and age that life is breathed into information. That the temples of the gods and goddesses could never sustain outside of an echo. Even an echo of the past. It was all present. It was all there. It's all Quantum and it is pissed off. Note this, and you will complete the picture. This is important. At least if one wants to survive the shattering of the Joppa Empire and avoid the debris of what becomes of the famous temples. If it weren't for the murderous plots of the vain goddesses, one who would label a mother's love for her own daughter (I'm looking at you, Thetis) as vain while demanding the life of her daughter over a simple truth that Andromeda was indeed more beautiful, then we wouldn't be here now would we? But the lofty of palace with the souls of leeches started shit. Now there's shit.
Sidney was the mortal enemy of Aphrodite, and vice versa. Where in the past Aphrodite had the upper hand, this time would prove different. For one, Sidney could not be tempted and Durham was going CGI. The thing with the hair was also helpful. Aphrodite set out to collect Sidney's head, naturally, and placed faith and trust in Athena, Apollo and Hermes. All three of whom fled the scene. Stunt double Athena was called away to the moon to test walking there. Hermes had a salon appointment for bigger hair, and Apollo was still trying out pick-up lines for Cassandra. Of course Cassandra didn't even bother to warn any of the goddesses of their impending doom and just ignored him at this point. More commonly known as a headache.
Aphrodite seeing the situation and realizing her comrades were not themselves, needed another Perseus. This time she would have to settle for an aberration, a freak of nature known as Shapiro in East Coast culture. But there was no Andromeda this time. Instead Aphrodite would have to make Perseus fall in love with someone besides himself. Tom Servo came to mind but Shapiro needed something that more resembled himself. So she settled for a Chupacabra to pair him with. This romance never went where she had hoped and ended up asking Shapiro (who was still undergoing multiple surgeries to replace his vocal chords) whether or not he would run out and collect Sidney's noggin. He didn't hesitate, but he wasn't clear on what the instruction actually entailed. Shapiro came back and offered the ripped out upholstery of Sidney's office furniture on Aphrodite's altar. Of course all of this was documented in classified files that the Kraken intercepted since altars were the first place sacrifices are placed. This was something the Kraken knew like the back of his...claw, fin, tentacle, whatever. It was in his programing.
When Sidney found out about the attempt on her life, let alone an attempt on her hair, she arrested Shapiro. A trial date was set and he was denied bail. His cellmate was another random Chupacabra. Aphrodite was now the most wanted fugitive. In the past being most wanted was something she could boast about. But what the Kraken ultimately offered in its mission to bring down Joppa and those responsible for its unholy continuance through thousands of years of combo-freaks, was the chance to use a Titan against a dumbass. This is what Kraken means. Size. Massive. Giant. Over the Top. And Sidney could once again use the word gargantuan in a sentence.
The size of the Kraken had by this time exceeded the size of its former self and crashed Joppa into pieces of tin, glass, lesser numbers, charred stone and block, splintered wood, rusted pipes, tupperware containers missing their lids, sludge, and cracker crumbs. The fall of Joppa had finally been completed, and Zeus could be heard laughing his ass off all the way to Wamsutter, Wyoming. Although a handful of motorcycle gangs had saved some cracker crumbs to build a new Joppa from, this was of no worry to Durham, Sidney, or the Kraken. Durham correctly determined that they'd be spinning their wheels trying to bring back the empire when they themselves could not spin any wheels well enough to go anywhere. They were, after all, turned into rooster-pigeon-goldfish.
In conclusion of the turn of events concerning the adventures of Sidney Powell, it must be noted that after the arrest and capture of Aphrodite for crimes against humanity/against manipulating time/manipulating animal species to humans/and their pets, that Sidney used a little trinket she found in Aphrodite's temple. It was a shape-shifter app. Sidney turned Aphrodite into a rhinoceros-chicken-potato similar to a Chicken Duck Woman Thing.
