“God, turnips are great!”
Turnips, or "Rotary Plants", are the most intelligent animals in the World, a fact that confuses humans both because they think that they're the most intelligent animals in the World and that turnips are, in fact, vegetables. The blatent falsity of both these facts merely strenghens the case for the turnip.
History[edit | edit source]
Turnips are thought to have been naturally selected from whales during a period of time after the Pre-Bodacious period, but before the Bodacious period. After Asia was created, the pre-turnips were trapped in a tiny sea, and shrunk as the food supply dwindled, until they resembled tiny balloons floating on the water. After they found land, they adapted quickly, burrowing with their adapted fins to catch their prey of worms, moles, and land jellyfish.
It was during this period they began to resemble plants, in order to fool their predators while ensuring that they were safe from herbivores, as all herbivores know how horrible turnips taste. As their intelligence increased, the size of their brains increased until they occupied 100% of their bodies, and hence became invisible to both the naked and the clothed eye. With their newfound brainpower, the turnips hatched a plan to promogulate themselves across the globe, and had a hand in the rise of humanity, the subsequent invention of agriculture, and the otherwise inexplicable emergence of Scottish heritage. These days, the turnips have a greater hand in World affairs than ever before, to the extent that one of them is the President of the United States. Certainly only a fool would mess with their plans, for, as Oscar Wilde so memerobaly put it, "The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft aglay, but you'd better not mess with a turnip's!"
Famous Turnips[edit | edit source]
So far, the only famous and most well known turnip we know of was Thomas "Evil Tuck Turnip" Schuldiner, vocalist and guitarist for the famous veggie-metal band Reap. He died of brain stem cancer in 2001. As Oscar Wilde's preserved head kindly said, "Tuck... how much am I getting paid to say this? Oh uh, we all will miss Tuck dearly. An amazing Potatoe. I mean, Turnip. Is that all I have to say, can I leave now?"