Jump to navigation Jump to search
- Before Time BC - Death is born in a small town in Kansas, Nascar becomes marginally interesting.
- 541 BC - Greek philosopher Hypocrites invents hypocrisy
- 540 BC - Hypocrisy condemned as immoral by Hypocrites
- 30 - Asked whether one should pay taxes, Jesus says, "Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's", but then cheats on his income tax.
- 1092 - Tap dancing invented.
- 1093 - Inventor of Tap Dancing shot in the head.
- 1640 - The world's first slide rule goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1892 - Oscar Wilde arrives in America, claiming at customs "I have nothing to declare but my genius". Actually he's got some fruit and Cuban cigars.
- 1897 - Lattimer Massacre - a sheriff's posse kills twenty unarmed immigrant miners in Pennsylvania. Up until the massacre, the mine wasn't very productive.
- 1913 - First fully-carpeted coast-to-coast ferret-run opened in the USA.
- 1939 - Canada declares war on Nazi Germany; German army takes the afternoon off.
- 1960 - American baseball player Mickey Mantle kicks a kumquat an estimated 643 feet.
- 1967 - Supreme Court hands down landmark decision in Pot v. Kettle which legalizes hypocrisy.
- 1982 - The following people are born: (2,394 James), (9887 Johns), (1 satayanarayan ranganathan rama appuswami ganapathy).
- 2000 - Millions board planes with shoes, liquids, and food. Angered by this, George Bush goes into seclusion to come up with a way to stop this. It takes roughly one year and a few phone calls to his friends in the Middle East.
- 2001 - Parachutes requested for all workers in the Twin Towers, George Bush says "NAH!' What's on TV?"
- 2001 - Billions and billions of Americans go to bed early in order to be well-rested for the September 11 terrorist attacks the next day.
- 2008 - The Large Hadron Collider is switched on ... nothing happens ... Swiss scientists decide to cut their losses and turn it into a badass thrill ride
- 2009 - Office of the White House announces low-altitude American Airlines 767 fly-over for 9/11 8th year memorial services at ground zero in New York City, on September 11, 2009. Flight officially named AA Flight 175 in honor of the brave civilians who didn't know any better that morning. Plane expected to be supplied with full compliment of fuel as a safety precaution, and to fly over Shanksville, PA, and the Pentagon. Five 20 to 30-year-old Arabs scheduled to take part in flight as show of peace to the Middle Eastern nations. These proud five men will be given boxcutters and a fake bomb in order for the US Air Force to simulate realistic crisis scenarios. Flight 175 "Resurrected," as it has been dubbed by President Obama, will have a pig in the cockpit, for security reasons. Scheduled to fly over WTC site at 9:03 AM.
- 2012 - The Large Hadron Collider Thrill Ride turns into a supermassive black hole and turns the Earth into something the size of a small pea