The act of murder is the legal way of guaranteeing that you will never be homeless ever again. One who commits the act of murder will always be provided with a home, which includes four sturdy walls and a ceiling made of either steel and/or concrete. You will also be provided with free meals for the rest of your life and you will get them, regardless of whether or not you choose to work. Being a murderer is actually a very valued profession. It is one of the best things to do, another thing being kidnapping.
Everywhere you go, the police are out there. But they are not stopping you from murdering anyone. They are only trying to determine you did it after you have murdered someone, so you can get your lifelong free home and meals. Of course they have to get it right that it was you, which does not always work, and a judge and jury have to agree you did it and you should have your prize.
To murder is to kill someone or something, a perfectly normal thing to do. In fact, most people contemplate murder regularly. If you do not wish to murder someone you know or hate, you should ask yourself, "Wouldn't it feel so good to wrap my hands around that person's throat and watch them gasp as their eyes roll back in their head and their soul floats away?" I think you'll make the right choice.
Murder is perceived as a good thing by the church, it allows people to be relieved from their sins and go straight to heaven. The church strongly recommends going out and murdering someone everyday, however some past governments (for some illogical reason) frowned upon murder, for example, the Hitler Regime.
Murder is the least survivable crime apart from fish smuggling, and many of the survivors (murderees) consider pressing charges against the murderers. Murder is a method of killing made popular by internationally known rap group Konvix.
Murder was quite famously Jack the Ripper's favourite pastime, apart from writing notes. In works of fiction, murder is a perennial plot device, especially in thrillers such as the Winnie the Pooh series.
Scientifically speaking, murder is defined as extroverted suicide.
Murder and the law[edit | edit source]
In Australia for example, For Teh Lulz can be used as a defense for murder and/or manslaughter if it is proven that the act was committed in a particularly humorous manner. If a juror is observed laughing during a description of the act, the judge is compelled to summarily dismiss the case on these grounds. More frequently, the jury will return a finding of not guilty under these circumstances. The landmark case of Commonwealth of Australia vs. Lo Pan is the most widely cited precedent for this defense.
A man killed a security guard and a man in a stormtrooper costume with a bazooka. He thought he would be innocent but instead he was incarcerated.
The World Health Organisation has recently published their findings that murder could lead to death.
How to get murdered[edit | edit source]
Being murdered is easy! Unfortunately many people have difficulties getting murdered so Uncyclopedia will publish this little, hopefully helpful guide. People who get murdered are usually the weaker people in society, for example, illegal immigrants, homeless people, and members of the Kennedy family. But murder opportunities are available to all. In the US, for instance, convenient drive-by shooting services operate in all urban centers, while rural areas are served by inbred, gun-toting volunteers affiliated with a network of over 120,000 meth labs nationwide.
Choose an appropriate name[edit | edit source]
Not every name is suitable for getting murdered. Names like Edward, Robert, and John are too generic and and will significantly reduce your chances for being murdered.
While a name is, of course, far from being a guarantee (in fact, many people with names like the ones listed above have only a little chance of being murdered due to other factors such as personality), it is a first step.
High school sports[edit | edit source]
This is for the hardcore! Rugby works best, HOWEVER, if you get the name 'Beckham' printed on your shirt and go play football you won't last five minutes! However it'll most likely be slow and painful. But if you're at least mildly intelligent and live in England, do not despair! Go play Arena Sodomy, and tell the other team you're from Iraq. Another sure-fire way to die!
Listen to aggressive music (Grrr!)[edit | edit source]
You have to build a reputation by listening to aggressive music (Grrr!) that shows everyone how aggressive you are. Again, not every kind of music is suitable. You can listen to psytrap acid ragecore (oontz oontz oontz Grrr!), College Rock (I have absolutely no clue what that means, however) or Rap. Note: Rap works best if you happen to be white (or at least K pop). The best music for murdering however is widely agreed to be black metal and death metal. Be sure to play your favorite music as LOUD AS POSSIBLE everywhere. in the car, at home, at school, everywhere. Do not be disturbed by angry comments by your peers.
Beat up the weaker (optional)[edit | edit source]
This will not benefit you directly but it will help you to lose your grasp of reality even more by thinking that you are invincible and do not have to be afraid of anyone.
Flash your possessions in public[edit | edit source]
If you have expensive watches, cell phones, cars, jewelry and boobs be sure that everyone sees them. Especially the friendly people with knives standing at the corner of the street. Showing your expensive things is a way to signal how rich and therefore lovable you are. If possible, do this in badly lit places at night. You will be amazed at how many people will spontaneously approach you. The best place to show off your possessions especially cash is in down-trodden African American neighborhoods in large cities. They love to take these things from you out of the kindness of their heart; if your lucky you might get a bullet or a free knife out of the exchange.
Going to one of the following places[edit | edit source]
a. Latin America b. The Middle East c. Africa d. Detroit
- This method is most effective for white people and asians, or anyone who even appears to be white.
Have a lot of random sex with under age people.[edit | edit source]
Find young people and have sex with them and you are almost certain that there will be some parents knocking on your door.
Congratulations! You've just got yourself murdered!
WARNING: chance side affects are living, surprise sodomy while incarcerated, going to the hospital, baseball bat up the ass syndrome, being shanked, forced suicide, excruciating urination or eating through a tube, or charges filed against you civilly as not all children have fathers with a sac between their legs, or have a father at all. Sex with underaged people is not right for everyone. Check with your local mirror to see if you are pussy, and or fugly-ass creep. If treatment is ineffective, go to an ally and attempt to anally rape a woman with her boyfriend present.
Committing murder[edit | edit source]
Murder has four distinct and individually important steps whose planning and implementation must be carefully made up minutes beforehand.
- The Victim – If you're trying to kill something, make sure that it does not have the foggiest notion that you are going to do so. It'll help to get a good idea of the victim's habits and schedules by discretely watching them. Take note of situations where they are completely unaware of their surroundings, as that is usually when people have the highest predilection for dying.
- Method – All creatures die in a variety of interesting and edifying ways, but all deaths basically boil down to three things: massive blood loss, major organ failure, and/or loss of life sustaining necessities, such as water and air. So first decide how you want your intended target to perish. Be creative. Electricity is always a plus.
- Implements – Now that you have the will and way, you need to find a sufficient vehicle for such ends. If you want to garrote your chosen victim while it struggles helplessly beneath you, you'll want to choose a narrow, strong, and flexible item, like a well-woven rope, or a sturdy wire. Maybe poison is your cup o' tea (ha!). In that case, take a peek under the sink. Remember: Be creative!
- Actually doing it – Be as quick as you can. If you absolutely must say something witty, do so in your head, or at the very least whisper it into your victim's ear as they slip into the endless entropy.
- The End – After straggling them or doing anything to kill them you have to cover your clues of murder. Follow these steps if you want to slip away like a snake:
- Step 1: Get a bag big enough for your victims and put them inside. Remember to cut a piece of your victim's body and keep it.
- Step 2: Put it into a backpack and walk to your trunk to put it inside.
- Step 3: Drive at high speed to a cliff and open your door, roll outside at the exact moment your car touches the edge.
- Step 4: Watch as it sinks then take out a magnum and blow its fuel tank.
- Step 5: Now with the piece you cut off, find a house to pick on and throw the piece on the roof or something.
Although not necessary, the following steps are important to an arrest-free murder:
- Gloves – Seriously, wear a pair of gloves. Don't be stupid. Even if the gloves you own aren't top notch, just slip 'em on anyway. A ten-year-old can find fingerprints, so I think Inspector Hardboiled won't have too much of a problem himself.
- Do not do creepy stuff to the corpse – You do not need to be extra mean, it is bad enough that you killed this person.
- Dispose of evidence – Having used a common item for the killing, disposal and replacement of said item is a breeze. Bodies themselves will require a pig farm, or, in a pinch, throwing them off a building shortly after shouting "No, don't jump!"
Television shows about murder[edit | edit source]
Several television shows deal specifically with the solving of murders. Among these are CBS's entire primetime lineup (at least the shows produced by that Bruckheimer guy): Law & Order, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Law & Order: Sex n Kids, Law & Order: Change the Damn Channel Already, and several other shows nobody cares about.
Murder elections[edit | edit source]
A few liberals have proposed doing away with the free enterprise system of murder and replacing it with Murder Elections. To avoid vote tampering by evil corporations like Diebold, they've decided to use Uncyclopedia as the free murder for hire service with vote counts that anyone can edit. So far, the top ten vote counts are:
Osama bin Laden. Got into some squabble with New York City that the Democrats are still mad about.After receiving enough votes, Osama was recently hell-fired.
- 981 Tina Fey, to prevent her from disgracing the country by running again for Vice President.
- 666 Mickey Mouse. How else are we gonna rid this world of evil? Start at the roots!
- 451 Glenn Beck, to prevent him from propagandizing the public with treasonous meaningless babble.
- 178 David Letterman. Because you can't have a top ten list without him.
- 177 Ted Kaczinsky. Ditto.
- 150 The Duracell Bunny. Write in vote from the peace faction, who think we can't get the job done.
- 123 POTUS. I don't know who the fuck that is, except that NSDAP, NSAWP, NDDAP, and NAMBLA think that he is part of the ZOG.
- 101 Dalmations. Because they're annoying, but they make a nice coat.
- 10 English teachers. Because they make us feel like we
can'tdon't write good write riteright. amirite?
- 42 Justin Bieber. Preferably kill by ripping out his heart and show it to his screaming fans while strangling him with his own guts