Puritan
“Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, might be happy.”
Puritans are members of a powerful political party currently dominating "red" states. The word puritan derives from the Chinese root pur- (uptight) and -itan (mother@#%&).
Because puritans believe strongly in the federal autonomy of the church, they have set up guns-for-votes trading centers, rather than risk allowing the locals to think for themselves. They maintain a central administrative organization in Nashua, New Hampshire, which (fortunately) has no authority to direct the affairs of any of its affiliated branches.
History[edit | edit source]
The first puritan associations were N.A.S.C.A.R., Hooters™ and 1st Presbyterian Bank. Puritans arrived on the political scene during the late 1950s with their first candidate, George Wallace, a teetotalling do-gooder who lost out to the dark side of the aisle in 1960.
The signing of the Puritan Constitution occurred on June 19, 1961, in Atlanta, Georgia, presided over by Mayor Newt Gingrich. The immediate (though not only) result was controversy between Northerners and Southerners over Article 3 regarding the banning of shopping on Sunday mornings and Article 4, which unequivocally bans the purchase of liquor on Sundays. Citizens can vote until they're "blue" in the face, but they'll never outnumber the holier-than-thou cocksuckers who use the Bible to discriminate against God-fearing whiskey drinkers even though the Bible doesn't say anything specific about buying things "on the Sabbath".
In 1976 it was brought to the attention of the puritanical council that the US constitution is premised on separation of church and state and that forcing people to abstain from legal activities is based on a fucked-up interpretation: "Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy" is a complete violation of the constitution in every way. The pharisees puritans responded with a convoluted translation implying that people shouldn't work on Sundays. In response, the anti-blue law citizens patiently explained that both drinking liquor and shopping per se aren't really "work" to which the puritans responded but selling is. This didn't make a whole lot of sense, considering the fact that most Wal✽Mart patrons (and all the cashiers) are heathens anyway, but the puritans refused to budge. To this day, most Southern states maintain their blue laws with a religious ferocity not seen since the Crusades.
Puritans in the North as a whole prefer a loosely structured political party composed of individuals who like to party and spend money on Sundays. Southern puritans prefer an organization composed of church-attending, pulpit-pounding, confederate-flag-waving, tobacco-spitting neo-nazis who don't think twice about a hanging on any day during a month of Sundays. As a result of this huge dichotomy, puritans are still in the process of drawing up a conflict resolution plan which can be watched on C‑SPAN for about eight minutes before the viewer is blessedly cast into a deep and dreamless slumber for the rest of the afternoon.
Prominent puritans[edit | edit source]
- George W. Bush, former President of the United States
- Jesse Jackson, the first and only puritan to represent the democratic party, whose talent for standup comedy has (so far) cured 503 patients of terminal cancer
- Tony Blair, recent winner of the AKC championship award for "best lapdog in show"
- Oprah
- Barney, the party's mascot
- Martha Stewart rigidly presides over the food channels, pushing puritanical doctrine on impressionable homemakers throughout America.
- Donald Trump, the non-drinking, primo vodka producing poster child of hypocrites
- Another US President, George's father, was associated with the Southern Puritans until October, 2000 when he disassociated himself due to revisions in the Puritanical Constitution with which he did not agree (Article 8, which states that Northern restaurants will no longer be required to serve grits or sweetened tea).