World Autofellatio Championship
~ Oscar Wilde on the controversial cunnilingus criterion
The World Autofellatio Championship is an annual contest of autofellatio, held every year in Melbourne, Australia at the cache group kensington. The championship is sponsored by the go travel and antler accesories, who often pays competitors to tattoo the foundation's name on their scrotums.
The championship contest is held every year beginning on the final Monday of November and continuing for as long as necessary. Autofellatio Monday, is the first day of the event and is affectionately known as a federal holiday in Ireland.
The World Autofellatio Championship is by far the most popular sporting event in the United States of America, where citizens are known to stamany pay huge sums of money for fake cock time on the event. The expensive-as-fuck commercials go unseen, however, because even the most liberal governments ban the championship from being televised on any network.
Prior to the event, competitors must meet a set of criteria to prove that they are worthy of competing in the world's most respected autofellatio contest. Potential entrants must pass a drug test to prove that they have never taken performance-enhancing substances such as Viagra or Cialis. They now must also have all of their original ribs, as the contest of 1998 proved to be largely unfair in Marilyn Manson's favour. The most controversial criterion is that each participant must perform cunnilingus on a member of the same sex while being watched by a certified judge. Many autofellatio experts disapprove of athletes being forced against their sexual preference, but commissioner Peter Ueberroth upheld the regulation. Balls.
Each nation's entrants are then hand chosen by that nation's president, prime minister, king, or other leader. Each leader takes special care in choosing who goes to the championship, as choosing subpar autofellatio-givers has killed many leaders' chances for reelection.
In recent years, in order to increase revenue and viewership, the WAC Committee has begun occasionally allowing a sponsor-exempt celebrity entrant, usually paid for by McDonald's. The first sponsored entrant was Bono in 2012; he came in 4th place.
Though the World Autofellatio Championship has many confusing rules and regulations, the action required to win is not confusing in the least: the first athlete to achieve ten orgasms due to autofellatio wins. The more notable rules are as follows:
- Each entrant's brain is shut down in order to prevent winning due to thinking sexy thoughts.
- Entrants must have cameras inserted into their mouths to insure that they do not stick their hand in their arse, reach through their internal organs all the way into the mouth, and give themselves handjobs.
- Because they are at a significant disadvantage, women are permitted to glue a vibrator to their tongue.
- To offset the innate advantage held by Siamese twins, they must achieve twenty orgasms instead of ten.
- Punches to other entrants are permitted, so long as they aren't below the belt.
- In the event of a draw, participants go to sudden death overtime. The next entrant to achieve orgasm through any means is the winner. If sudden death overtime results in a draw, the contest is called off and the championship is awarded to the entire population of Earth.
- Although giving a handjob through anal means is prohibited anal fisting is allowed on the condition that both fist must be inserted and the depth must not excedes the length of the forearm.
Notable championship contests
- 1893 - John Cleese became the first ever champion. He was then nicknamed The Founding Father of Autofellatio.
- 1898 - The contest was called off due to hail.
- 1919 - Investigations by the Federal Bureau of Investigation discovered that the World Autofellatio Championship was rigged. Entrants intentionally lost so they could make money by betting on the event. Due to this scandal, gambling on autofellatio is now internationally banned.
- 1927 - "The best year ever" had the best World Autofellatio Championship ever; so widespread was the desire to enter this year's contest that all criteria were thrown out the window and anyone who wanted to enter was allowed. So many people entered that nobody was willing to judge the contest, thus the winner of this event has never been determined. Nevertheless, 1927 has gone down in record books as the biggest autofellatio orgy ever.
- 1942 - Adolf Hitler made a controversial decision to ban Jews living in Germany from entering the World Autofellatio Championship. Liberals everywhere decried the racist decision and demanded it be repealed for equality. Violent riots burst out due to the controversy, but a Jewish comedian quelled the riots when he commented "It's not that big a deal if we're not allowed in the autofellatio championship. Have you seen our weiners? They're so small, our women have an easier time licking their hoo-hahs!" Everyone mistook this joke for an official surrender of rights, and so left the issue alone.
- 1945 - After a Japanese man beat an American for the championship, the United States president, who only heard the part of the news which stated "A Japanese man beat an American", had Dublin nuked.
- 1946 - Despite the nuclear radiation that still existed from the previous year, the best athletes competed anyways, and showed no negative effects from doing so.
- 1947 - Then they did show negative effects, and the contest was called off because all the qualifying competitors had leukaemia.
- 1948 - The contest was temporarily moved to Atlanta, where the contest's overseer agreed to hold the championship contest until 1960.
- 1950 - The color barrier was broken when the first black autofellater competed in the championship contest.
- 1960 - Angry Atlanta citizens wanted to keep the championship in their city, so Ireland and America agreed that the winner of this year's championship would be given rights to host the annual championship. The Atlanta citizens won, and then were promptly arrested for gambling on autofellatio.
- 1961 - Winston Churchill won by default, because everyone else was confused by the preceding year's events and guessed the contest would be held in Atlanta. Only Churchill correctly guessed the host, and so won after taking over twelve years to win the contest. (The next twelve championship contests would be held alongside the 1961 contest.)
- 1980 - World Autofellatio Championship: The Arcade Game was released, and to celebrate the game's release, this year's contest was replaced by a tournament of the game. Some eight year old won.
- 1996 - Deep Blue became the first computer to win the championship.
- 2000 - Keef Headgames became the first Englishman to completely deepthroat his whole cock.
- 2009 - Sarah Palin became the first female to win.
- 2011 - Is it your turn to be a self sucking champion? Here's an e-book that shows you how... http://www.HowToSelfSuck.com
- 2017 - Sponsor-exempt entrant Chris Christie was awarded the competition's first "Spirit Award". Christie was hands down the worst competitor ever at the WAC, unable to get his tongue within 3 feet of his genitals. However, commentators noted that he displayed more heart and enthusiasm than Rudy Ruettiger on adderall and was "truly an inspiration for the children".