Captain Autofellatio

Captain Autofellatio, pictured doing what he does best and, in fact, the only thing he does

Captain Autofellatio is a noble and powerful superhero. His powers include a slightly longer than usual penis and an unusually flexible spine. Captain Autofellatio uses these powers to keep citizens safe from harm and to give himself oral pleasures. Well, mostly to give himself oral pleasures.

Along with his compatriots in arms, Captain Obvious, Captain Understatement, and Captain Oblivious, Captain Autofellatio forms one-fourth of the powerful superhero team, The Good Four. The team had originally called themselves the Fantastic Four, but were sued for copyright infringement, and when it came time to rename their squad their hearts just weren't in it.

Origin

The Captain often hums himself a lullaby to get to sleep.

Captain Autofellatio first appeared in the Marvel comic book The Incredible Spider-Man Meets the Remarkable Captain Autofellatio. There, his amazing backstory was revealed.

Autofellatio was once a humble VCR salesman named Heath Harmon. One day, the enterprising young Harmon was bringing a shipment of VCRs to a meth lab, when it exploded, cracking his lower four ribs. Doctors had no choice but to remove these ribs to prevent them from puncturing his spleen, which would have been bad.

When Harmon awoke in his hospital bed, everyone expected him to be a shadow of the man he was before – just a humble VCR salesman with some missing ribs. Much to their shock, the explosion and the surgery had given Harmon's spine a super-flexibility, allowing himself to fold himself almost in half. Even more to their shock, he immediately used this heightened human flexibility to place his penis in his mouth and began earnestly and vigorously going to town on it.

The police were called, but Harmon managed to jump out of a window. After briefly sucking himself to completion on the soft grass below, Harmon ran naked into the night, knowing society would never accept a mutant with his powers. It was then that he assumed the secret identity, "Captain Autofellatio", and swore he would devote his life to fighting crime, whenever he wasn't too busy pleasuring himself with his mouth, which was always.

Despite the title of the comic book, Captain Autofellatio never got around to meeting Spider-Man. He was busy.

Noble crime-fighting exploits

Several months after the incident at the hospital, Captain Autofellatio decided it was finally time to fight some crime. Donning a spandex suit with the initials AF boldly emblazoned on the chest, Captain Autofellatio listened to the police scanners until he heard word of a bank robbery taking place just around the corner from his house.

Dashing to the bank, the bold Captain Autofellatio rushed into the midst of the tense crime scene, stopping only briefly in the revolving door to give himself a quick blowjob for courage.

"Evildoers!" cried an invigorated Captain Autofellatio at the armed robbers, 7.5 minutes later. "Your wicked crime spree is at an end!"

"Sonova gun, it's Superman!" yelled a gang member holding a submachine gun.

"You wish," retorted Captain Autofellatio. "Superman might not go so hard on you."

"Sonova gun!" repeated the gangster, thoroughly intimidated by those bold words. Unfortunately, Captain Autofellatio's first blowjob had left his penis in a heightened state of sensitivity (not to mention spandex) and he was again erect. He realized that taking care of this was his first priority. Yanking down his pants, he bent at the waist and began vigorously giving himself the Phuket Special.

"What ... what in blazes are you doing?" Captain Autofellatio did not reply. (His mouth was full.)

Eventually, the robbers just grabbed some empty bags with dollar signs printed on them and ran past Captain Autofellatio out onto the street – and into several months of therapy.

Captain Autofellatio during his induction into the Good Four

Induction into the Good Four

Captain Autofellatio was inducted into the Good Four by Captain Oblivious, who had wandered into his bedroom thinking it was a Trader Joe's. Captain Oblivious found him on his bed, bent at the waist, bobbing his head up and down.

"Hello, noble hero!" exclaimed Captain Oblivious.

Captain Autofellatio did not respond.

"Would you like to join our superhero squad?" asked Captain Oblivious.

Captain Autofellatio did not respond.

"Was that a yes?" asked Captain Oblivious.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm!" replied Captain Autofellatio.

"Capital!" replied Captain Oblivious. He then opened the window and jumped out, severely twisting his ankle in the process.

He later described Captain Autofellatio to the rest of the squad: "A nice guy, but kind of introverted."