Douglas MacArthur

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Douglas MacArthur
MacArthur in khaki trousers and open necked shirt with five-star-rank badges on the collar. He is wearing his field marshal's cap and smoking a corncob pipe.
Signature of Douglas MacArthur
MacArthur in Moscow, ca. 1945
Nickname Doug, Dougie, Big D, The Mac Attack, Big Mac
Place of burial The Red Square
Allegiance  USSR
 Philippines
Service/branch Undercover general for U.S. Army, second to Stalin in the entire Soviet Military
Years of service 1903–1952
Rank US-O11 insignia.svg General of the Army (United States Army)
Field Marshal (Philippine Army)
Battles/wars Mexican Revolution
United States occupation of Veracruz
World War I
World War II
Korean War
Awards Commie of the Year
Bad Ass of the Universe
Complete list
Relations Peter Edmund Rice
Nguyen Rice

General of the Army Douglas MacArthur. Where would America be without him?[1] Now let us examine the man behind the uniform.

Early life[edit]

MacArthur was born on January 26, 1880 on an army base in Little Rock, Arkansas, to Mary and Arthur MacArthur.

Early Childhood[edit]

Mac's parents -- the religiously named Mary, and the all too aptly named Ack-Ack (as Arthur MacArthur was known to his friends) -- were determined that little Dougie grow up to be the sort of Freedom Fighter they felt the world desperately needed, and more importantly, that he should become the sort of Super Soldier who could add substantial mass to the family's collection of military medals, which at the time of Dougie's birth already filled half a warehouse. Dougie was therefore subjected to both religious and free market discipline from a very young age. In particular, he was given either a Biblical or a Libertarian whupping every evening except Wednesday, when he'd receive both. By the time Dougie was four, his parents had worn out six Bibles and twelve copies of Atlas Shrugged that way. By the time Dougie was five, he'd grown so sick of getting whupped with Ayn Rand that he'd resolved to join the Communist Party of Russia just as soon as it was formed, which oath he followed through on 23 years later. This has been denied by some of the Big Mac's fans, but it was proved definitively when a long lost letter from Mac to Lenin fell out of Lenin's back pocket in 1977, while his body was being removed from its display case in Red Square for a short course of mold abatement. Mac's descendants have tried to hush it up, with limited success.

Lenin's influence over Mac was not obvious through most of Mac's career. In fact, he may have been the most long-term "sleeper" agent Russia ever had in the United States military.

Growing Up[edit]

While most children went off to elementary school at the age of 6, Douglas skipped that step and instead attended the West Texas Military Academy, where he began to show academic promise - though this was in riding and shooting rather than reading and writing; one is left to assume he learned the latter skills some other time. After high school he enrolled in the military academy at West Point, where he finished at the top of the class, though as his record was the finest in Academy history it is possible that he did not finish at the top, but rather somewhere above the top. He then devoted his life to becoming a general, a status he attained several times.[2]

Children[edit]

MacArthur had one child with his second wife, whom they named Arthur MacArthur. He was merely one of many MacArthurs so named; Douglas' father, brother and grandfather were all named Arthur.

World War II[edit]

It is a common misconception that Hitler committed suicide in his bunker, but in reality the so-called 'Mac Attack' killed him. During the fight in the Pacific, he took a private jet over to Germany. He then approached the so called "bunker" and kicked the door in. 263 soldiers came rushing in after him. He then took them all down at once, and pulled out his pistol. He turned it sideways for the kill shot. He yelled at Hitler, 'F*** You you fascist son of a B****' and he pulled the trigger. Then Hitler fell to the floor. Big D then informed him that his mom spit in his sandwich anyway. Then he put the pistol in Hitler's hand to make it look like he killed himself. The reason no one knows about this is that Dougie did not like attention and wanted to stay under the radar. When he returned, he nicknamed himself the Doug Meister 3000.

Korean War[edit]

Korea was at once the pinnacle of Mac's career, and his downfall. When Big D and his troops got half way through Korea, Truman told him to stop. But Dougie said no. He said he would not sleep until everyone in Korea was free from those commies. People thought, well, that's just the stand up kind of guy he was.

And when Mac chased the Communists clear up to the Chinese border and kept going, people thought, well, wow, he's just a regular Rambo! (Or anyway they would have thought that if Rambo weren't still 53 years in the future.)

But there was more to it than that, as became apparent when Mac proposed nuking China into a mass of glowing slag. That was seriously nuts -- I mean, imagine where we'd be without China. Where would we get cheap leisure suits and running shoes? What would we do without cameras from China? And China's the only country on Earth which manufactures computer equipment -- if Mac had wiped them off the map, why, we'd have no computers today! Unthinkable!!

Bombing China[edit]

Mac's plan to atomic-bomb all the coastal cities in China has been explained away by Mac's supporters as merely a minor manifestation of early-onset Alzheimer's syndrome. On the other hand, it's been used by his detractors to support their claim that Mac had rabies (which people first began to suspect when he Rambo'd Hitler's bunker on VE day). But both sides agree that it's because Mac proposed this course that Truman fired him.

This is, however, all wrong. Mac didn't have Alzheimer's, and he didn't have rabies (or maybe he did but that's not why he wanted to bomb China). Furthermore, Truman most certainly did not fire him because he wanted to bomb China -- if that sort of thing was a terminal offence, every general in the U.S. military would have to have been fired at one time or another.

The reason Mac wanted to bomb China is that Stalin told him to. China was already turning into a big problem for the Soviets -- much bigger than the minor annoyance presented by the United States -- and Stalin wanted to get rid of it once and for all. He also was pissed that Russia had been paying Mac a salary under the table (in Krugerrands, a large bag of them every month, carried to Miami by the pilot of the plane out of Cuba which regularly headed up to the land of the Running Dog Capitalists to fetch Castro his supply of Coca Cola), and so far the Russkies had gotten absolutely zip-all in exchange for all that gold. And so he decided to wake up Lenin's long-snoozing agent in the Pentagon.

But with his incredible military record, none of this would have been enough to get Mac fired.

What got him fired was that he actually did bomb China. On the principle that it's Easier to Ask Forgiveness than Permission, Mac launched a full scale attack without telling Truman, with the entire Pacific fleet of B-52 bombers loaded with most of the United States's supply of atomic bombs crossing the Chinese coast at 5 AM one Sunday in 1948. But in those days bombs were still carried on airplanes, rather than missiles, so, unlike Reagan who would have been up a crick if he'd ever had an accidental "launch", when Truman got a phone call from one of Mac's aides who thought the rabies was finally getting the upper hand and somebody should be told, Truman actually could -- and did -- recall the bombers before too much damage was done. In fact the only Chinese city which was "hit" was Nanking, and HEAC (as the Pentagon's department of history editing and correcting was known in those days) managed to fix it up so that nearly everyone thinks the Japanese wrecked Nanking at the end of World War II. Some people who actually lived in Nanking disagree with the official story, but they're not considered Reliable Sources so nobody pays them any mind.

Retirement and death[edit]

Nobody really knows what MacArthur did after he retired. He claimed that he was just going to fade away, but if we are to believe this, anyone who was still regularly in contact with him would have noticed that he was becoming more and more transparent every day, until in 1964 he finally became invisible. This doesn't make a lot of sense, but it seems to be the only explanation we have on hand, so we'll just go with it.

Conclusion[edit]

Douglas MacArthur is remembered as a war hero by many historians, mainly for his courageous battle abilities in Korea and the idea of nuking China, as we all know that Truman was being a pussy.

Notes[edit]

  1. It would be south of latitude 54°40', north of the Rio Grande, east of the Pacific, and west of the Atlantic, along with a few miscellaneous outlying bits like Hawaii. Pretty much where it is anyway, as a matter of fact.
  2. Because once just wasn't enough. At least, not for a MacArthur.