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- 2000 BC - The Ancient Sumerians are the first to observe the New Year as a way to celebrate their slowly impending deaths.
- 1788 - The Scottish convince the world they need to sing at New Year's Eve at midnight, write a song whose lyrics are completely unpronounceable.
- 1900 - The first glowing ball thing that drop when the year ends is invented, initially as a terrorist plot by Irish extremists.
- 2010 - Manufacturers of those novelty glasses shaped like the number of the year start to worry.
- 2017 - Novelty glasses makers give up and just make normal glasses with the years put on top like a bunch of fucking cowards.
- 2023 - You think to yourself: next year's gonna be the year I get my shit together, I'm gonna lose 10 pounds, quit drinking, start opening up to people...
- 2024 - It's a year later, and yet another year has come and gone with nothing to show for it. Maybe next year...