Cynicism

“I'm not a very cynical person... Except when it comes to Jews.”

~ Adolf Hitler on Cynics

“When you think cynicism, think intellectuals who aren't busy huffing kittens.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cynicism

“A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cynics

“I think cynicism is for goddam phonies who rebel against society and hate the world and all.”

~ Holden Caulfield on Cynicism and teenage angst

Cynicism is the belief that masturbatory pedantry is the only true form of self-expression, and that all other forms are subject to fatal scrutiny by the prodding of one's ocular orbs.

History

All of human life up to present has been a conflict between two opposing points of view - cynicism and Living in glass houses. Historians will probably try and tell you otherwise, but they're paid to keep things complicated, so of course they're going to try it on with you. The truth is more simple. So simple in fact that if it were related in it's entirety to you, your head would asplode.

Ironists

Ironists believe that, because the universe is made of iron, It will eventually rust and give way to what Ironists believe is the "crimson snow". This is very similar to what Axl Rose would call the "spaghetti incident", not to be confused with Ragnarock n' roll.

Cynics

Cynics share the belief that everything is absurd, but merely consider this as another way to make money - and especially to make money from the ironists. War was inevitable.

The schism began in 1517, when the noted ironist Martin Luther nailed his 97.5 theses to the church door in Wittenberg. Among these were such jokes as "The Holy Spirit is this big gassy thing, with eyes" and "No man shall shampoo his cat on a Sunday without first wearing wooden slippers".

The next day, the noted cynic, Nigel B'stard, nailed Martin Luther to a church door, with a note that said, simply, "You are an idiot. Give me 5000 potatoes, though, and I'll send for a blacksmith."

The Numerous Benefits of Cynicism

1. loss of humanity; sanity!
2. lets you, have a great time!
3. it's a laugh it's a scream! if only i could dream! or scream?
4. it makes you tall, and strong!
5. it makes u look like Superman and Popeye combined!
6. makes u funny, and this will make u money!
7. will put your head upside down.
8. makes u able to breathe without air.
9. makes Britney Spears give herself a bubble.
10. makes u write like this!
11. gives you gas to keep on going.
12. makes u the granddaddy, of all liars!
13. puts your mind on alert.
14. causes your balls to drop.
15. your mind to pop.
16. makes your fist unfurl.
17. and this will make u sound like a, fel-o-ny?
18. laughs laughs tons of laughs!

The Drawbacks

1. Causes Hippies
2. loss of humanity; sanity.
3. it's makes u small and pouty.
4. it makes others, go BooBoo.
5. it makes u look like Popeye, and Superman combined!
6. gives u laughs gives you joy, but your life sure is a great bore!
7. gives u gass gives u cramps, if this isn't love, than i don't care!
8. if it's money you want you'll be nice!
9. makes u poor, and bravoure, and if u don't understand that, than your poor!
10. laughs tons of laughs!
11. it makes u mad i tell u, mad!!!
12. will put your head upside down.
13. makes u able to breathe without air!?!
14. Love hurts
15. Love hurts
16. Songs will no longer, hold a deeper meaning.
17. makes Britney Spears give herself a bubble.
18. gives u gas and cramps, no seriously, it will.
19. makes your brain write like this (brain!)
20. makes u the granddaddy, of all friars!
21. puts your mind at ease.

Case Study: Mahatma Gandhi aka "DJ Ghandaddi"

The music that Mahatma produces is best described as "ironifestation" in that he believes that his actions will eventrually bring about the inevitable crimson storm.

How Cynical am I?

How Cynical am I? was a quiz feature from Womans Weekly magazine which caused outrage in 1978 among certain strange communities in far flung Wyoming. Try it for yourself:

Question 1: A small helpless puppy is trying to drag a small sack of money across a busy six lane highway. What is your typical reaction?

A. "Oh my god, that poor puppy! Lost! On a busy six line highway! Somebody help!!"

B. "Oh my god, all that money! Lost! On a busy six line highway! What a waste!!"

C. "What heck is this all about? A quiz? I don't need no dumb quiz to find out nothing about myself."

Question 2: A small helpless nun is trying to drag a small sack of diamonds across a busy six lane highway. What is your typical reaction?

A. "Oh my god, that poor nun! On a busy six line highway! Somebody call a priest with a helicopter!!"

B. "Oh my god, all that money! Lost! On a busy six line highway! Just steer a bit to the left there and wing her, then we can grab the bag."

C. "For Christ's sake, I already KNOW I am a cynic. And try and think of some original situations at least."

Question 3: Woody Woodpecker is trying to drag a small sack of government bonds across a busy six lane highway. What is your typical reaction?

A. "When it comes to Woody Woodpecker, all bets are off. Just kill him."

B. "When it comes to Woody Woodpecker, all bets are off. Just kill him."

C. "Cat food/Groon."

Results!

If you answered mostly question A: you are a kind hearted town planner with a dog named rusty. You like baked beans and mountain climbing, though not necessarily in that order. Because of your unusually nice demeanour people sometimes mistake you for an idiot, but you don't mind because you never notice.

If you answered mostly question B: you are a dangerously unstable sociopath called Derek. You sometimes find yourself standing in the kitchen wondering why you went in there, holding a large bread knife. At night, your neighbours all get together in a back garden and burn an effigy of you while laughing hysterically.

If you answered mostly question C: you are the popular singing genius, Leo Sayer. Well done.

Who becomes it?

A person becomes cynic when he looks at the universe and tries to say something sarcastic about it, but is misinterpretated for it as being clever. When admired by dumbasses who don't get his or her point, the cynic turns from smeering the world to overtly scorning whomever he is talking to. Unfortunately for the cynic, this causes his arms to mutate into tentacles and uncontrollably rape random passers by.

What is it not?

Cats.

IT ALL DEPENDS ON THE QUALITY OF THE RAPE

Any more stupid remarks?

Famous cynics in popular culture include Ben Harper from "My Family," Daria, and I'm sure you can add your own. Cynics on the comics pages include Dogbert and Garfield.

The UN is currently employing several thousand cynics in an effort to find a cure for George W. Bush. Also, cynics get all the best lines in expensive Broadway musicals.

Aging, Rick James and maybe even cheap cellular phones amount to cynicism, so does having a dog that's black named Shadow.