Portal:Religion

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The Religion Portal
He knows what you did last thursday

Religion generally involves the following or worship of a creed or deity in which one has optimistically attributed supernatural powers. "True Believers" are often labeled as schizophrenics or having some other neurological disorders in certain scientific-minded and rational circles, although the loudest among them tend to be derided for their poor fashion sense and general smelliness. According to a secular understanding of history, religion was invented by tribal chieftans at least two million years ago in order to control and exploit their fellow tribal members, and it was going strong in the Western World until that separation of Church and State nonsense. In the third world, it's business as usual. God is often portrayed as a giant bearded man in the sky that flies around granting wishes, although some religions would prefer you not portray him at all.

Featured Article
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God (who also goes by the aliases Yahweh, Allah, Jehovah, Jah, Adonai, and Elohim to evade debt collectors) is the Supreme Being of three major faiths, and a few dozen sex cults. His preferred pronoun is THE LORD, but He will also settle for He. He is perhaps best known for creating all of existence—with the exception of Himself, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, the Inca Empire, Bigfoot, and devil's food cake. God is burdened with the unfathomable responsibility of sustaining the vital equilibria that allow life to continue, such as answering prayers, committing genocide, committing mass infanticide, starting wars, ending wars and making stars twinkle. Despite this responsibility, God Himself shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever an important sports game or horse race is on, as He is the universe's most notorious compulsive gambler.

Featured Entity
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The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent is a Christian church based mainly in North America and Western Europe. Adherents believe God is omnipotent but generally unqualified for His role as deity, citing the Great Flood, the Roman Empire and their own personal failings as proof. Worldwide membership was 30.5 million in 2006.

The sect has been controversial since its foundation, and faced persecution in several countries for its allegedly heterodox views. The church (whose followers are known as "compies") believes in a "fractured Trinity", holding that Jesus is the Son of God but "got in over his head" when he let himself die on the cross.

Featured Image
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"And yea, God did provide Happy Meals unto them, for they were the hungry 5000. And blessed were the free toys... McCheese 15:24"
Religion in the News
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BNEI BRAK, Israel – Local conservative rabbis are sick with worry, anxiety and unease at the increasing popularity of practical, comfortable fashions; more so even than the worry, anxiety and unease that causes their usual kvetching. After much bickering they have responded with the tact, sensitivity and delicate touch for which fundamentalists of all stripes are known; by burning down stores that sell offensive clothing and spraying bleach on women that Rabbi Yosef Elyashiv refers to as "...those nasty whores with their whore legs, whore skin and whore bulges. Whores!".

Throughout this tight knit Israeli city, recently hung posters urge women to buy only appropriate Tanakh-approved clothing. The notices, approved by local ultra-Orthodox rabbis, forbid women from wearing anything that could possibly be considered sexy, including skirts cut above the ankle, open-toed shoes, toed shoes, and shirts that reveal all, part, or none of a woman's cleavage. Red colored clothing of any kind is also forbidden, as a girl in a red dress is <expletive> hot.

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Quote of the Day
Did You Know?
  • ... that as part of their faith, Jehova's Witness members are sent to a community college to harass passers-by?
  • ... that the core of Zen Buddhism is to be as inscrutable as possible?
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