A conductor refers to an overpaid member of an orchestra responsible for collecting fares and facilitating free electron mobility. They are usually the only retard within the orchestra or a bass player, and are told to just wave their hands about to look like they are doing something.
Properties[edit | edit source]
Resisitivity is the degree to which a conductor impedes the orchestra from playing the damn piece right the first time and getting out of rehearsal. Rehearsal length is directly proportional to the resistivity of the conductor, and causes lost beats ("negative reactance"), extra beats ("positive reactance"), or simply talking too much talking ("noise").
Conductivity, often the inverse of resistivity, is how much work the conductor gets done in a given rehearsal. By definition a professional (or "good") conductor needs a high conductivity or risks categorization as a semiconductor or amateur.
Varieties[edit | edit source]
Semiconductors[edit | edit source]
A semiconductor are aspiring novice conductors who have completed some college classes on conducting. More often than not, they are conducting grad students, and occur naturally in clumps around conductors and conducting professors. Certain illegal substances can help a semiconductor to become a doped semiconductor through a process known as doping.
Superconductors[edit | edit source]
A Superconductor is an award given at the annual Superconductor Competition in Lubbock, Texas. A winner of this award becomes known as a perfect conductor, in contrast with the imperfect conductor, who has not. Perfect conductors are not seen in practical cases because their fees are unreasonably high. A lawsuit from Zubin Mehta's concertmaster concerning facial injuries from the former's baton and the latter's face colliding with neither the permission nor consent of said latter prevented him from attending the past Superconductor Competition, so is still an imperfect conductor.
At the Superconductor Competition, there are two scoring categories. The first is the technical score, based on the conductor's impedance, is made up of two components: the real component (a measure of the conductor's propensity for interfering with the musicians' natural talent), and the imaginary component (which French and Russian judges add when they dislike the nationality of the competitor). The conductor's goal is to attain an impedance as close to zero as possible. This impedance is measured in Ohms, which refers to the sound of the grunt of approval which the master conductor makes when his student has conducted well for a particular orchestra piece.
The second category is artistic merit, evaluated subjectively on the conductor's ability to show off. The highest scores might be awarded to a conductor who could finish Fred Chopin's Minute Waltz in a mere twenty seconds or work a triple lutz into a Beethoven or Mahler symphony. The score is measured in Amperes and is colloquially referred to as the current because of its susceptibility to transient fads in conducting.
The overall score is calculated by simply multiplying the impedance and current. This is a popular method for estimating semiconductor potential, and is expressed in Volts, named after the famous Italian conductor Count Alessandro Volta.
Waveguides[edit | edit source]
A rare and mysterious breed of wizard with a side job as a conductor becomes known as a Waveguide. He is an imperfect conductor, like all others in the real world, and has therefore never made an appearance on TV's Superconductor Awards.
This English term itself is derived from Avegides, the ancient Greek god of intonation and wave refraction. Some of Avegides's capabilities probably have something in common with modern Waveguides. Both are associated with the baton, a special sort of dipole used to affect changes to the sound of the orchestra. Most myths disagree about Avegides's specific powers. Some, for example, suggest he used his baton to fix the intonation of his cello section, while others tell of long strings of bloody massacres instead. Other folklore unanimously agrees that Avegides could refract the orchestral spectrum at will. Potentially, in concert halls that tend to defract, this could ensure a properly fracted orchestral timbre.
Conducting Competitions[edit | edit source]
Every 2 years since 1873, the world's top conductors have competed in the prestigious "PMS-O Conducting Competition." The events in the PMS-O competition include: Baton-throwing, Distance-Spitting, Long Distance Glaring, Gesticulating in place, Best Hair, and Casting ones self into the pit (distance). Along with these events, each competing conductor must also take a written "Asshole" exam, to see which conductor is the biggest Dick. Some of the more notable winners of the PMS-O are:
- Herbert von Karajan
- Seiji Ozawa
- Leonard Bernstein
- Calvin Coolidge
- Daniel Barenboim
- Cindy Crawford
- Krill Kondrashin
- Oscar Wilde
- George Carlin
- Ringo Starr
- Des Perkins
- Gustav Mahler
- Pierre Boulez
- Charles Dutoit
- Valery Gergiev
Solder[edit | edit source]
Solder is the official worldwide union of conductors. It was founded in 1634 by Energeize Bunne (who preceded Mendelssohn as the first conductor of the Gaussian Symphony Orchestra), and is the oldest functioning professional organization in the world. Solder maintains a close relationship with musicians, who in turn consider it a close alloy.