There Will Be Blood

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Daniel's milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like "It's better than Eli's", damn right it's better than Eli's!

There Will Be Blood is a 2007 American romantic comedy film written, co-produced, and directed by Paul Thomas-Anderson. It is a film telling the amazing true story of the all-American hero Daniel Plainview, who not only invented oil, but coined the worlds first catch phrase: "I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!". Daniel Plainview is played by Daniel Day-Lewis, though he was the second choice to the movie co-director Oscar Wilde, who originally chose Jim Carrey to play the part. Jim Carrey was filmed in every scene; but refused to act in the much-parodied scene where Daniel kills his arch-nemesis, Eli, because Jim Carrey disliked milkshakes. Jim Carrey's refusal to continue acting caused Oscar Wilde to resort to Daniel Day-Lewis and film every scene again. There Will Be Blood featured a Reggae/Dub soundtrack by the IDM kingpin known only as "Wild Oscar", who's origins and backgrounds are unknown.

The film is very loosely based on the 1927 novel "Oil!" by Upton Sinclair. After finishing the film, Thomas-Anderdon worried the film would be too uncommercial. So he changed the name of the film to "There Will Be Blood" and made milkshakes a prominent theme throughout the film. Of course, feminists didn't approve of the film's title, and proceeded to burn Daniel Day Lewis's jewish nose. Due to this, the film was, until the hype died down, known as "There Will Be Water".

Day-Lewis, upon signing for the lead role, did his usual routine of spending many months preparing for the film to get the optimum in life-like performances. In the case of this film, Day-Lewis became a serial killer, and engaged in a killing spree, armed with no more than a bowling pin and a bottle of "Yazoo!". Day-Lewis also practised falling down deep mine shafts for the film's opening sequence. All this just for "getting into character". Inspired by Day-Lewis's intense, if slightly disturbing dedication to his role, Paul Dano, who played the role of Eli Sunday, also employed high concentration into his pre-filming regime. In this case, Dano annoyed the shit out of everyone, and Dillion Freasier, who plays the deaf orph... (*cough*) i mean, SON of Daniel Plainview, followed similar creative footsteps, by practising being deaf. Also, he became a business entrepreneur (he is also Daniel's business partner in the film, y'know), and went "to mexsihko wi ma waf". Those pesky method actors, ey?

Plot[edit | edit source]

ok; so it starts with some BIG FUCK OFF MOUNTAINS with a sound like a stoned microwave, and nothing really happens for 40 or so minutes.. then... umm.. well... ok, seriously, this plot is harder to keep track of than Madeline McCann. (too far?)

Box Office[edit | edit source]

On its opening day There Will Be Blood amassed OVER NINE THOUSAAAAND views, all from the same person, who allegedly had a sexual fetish only satisfied by watching people drink others milkshakes without permission. To this day There Will Be Blood has only ever been watched by 9 people, so the chances of someone reading this page are a trillion to one.

The film was released on DVD 3 months after initial screening. The DVD included the film in Narrowscreen format and translation into AAAAAAAAA!

Aftermath & Cultural Impact[edit | edit source]

Despite the film being panned by narrow-minded critics (when critics approve of the film so thoroughly, they obliterate their copy of the film with a frying pan), the film developed a cult following. Yeah, a cult following, much like the band The Grateful Dead. Yep. They chased and raped Paul Dano. And followed him EVERYWHERE. Contrary to popular belief, Kelis liked the film.

Despite Daniel Day-Lewis's enormous self-gratifacation from his film role (you didn't think Daniel was acting when he killed Eli in the final scene, did you? Hahah, silly rabbit!!), the film only re-enforced the actor's common stereotype of playing very strange dudes in films. Film roles of his repertoire include a frikkin' psychopath (My Left Foot), a Necrozoophiliac (Gangs of New York) and an incest Scotsman with a heart condition living on a remote American island with his mentally questionable daughter (The Ballad of Jack and Rose).

Months after the film's release, Day-Lewis became a recluse and cut himself off from society, becoming addicted to hard drugs, particularly heroin and glue. Critics assumed this was due to the artistic pressure of the film, but in reality, Day-Lewis was "getting into character" for his upcoming film role in Stanley Kubrick's experiment adult film "The Presence Of Nudity is Questionable". Fucking method actors.

References[edit | edit source]

The film features many obscure pop culture references to films such as Tron, The Passion of the Christ, Bruce Almighty (Oscar Wilde's revenge at Jim Carrey), and the critically acclaimed Who Framed Roger Rabbit? But i'm not going to tell you what those references are.

Sequels[edit | edit source]

  • There Will Be A Small Quantity Of Blood, Parental Discretion Is Advised
  • There Might Be Blood, At The End? You Will Have To Watch The Whole Film To Find Out
  • OK, We Lied, There Is No Blood. But heck, we gotta eat too, y'know
  • There's No Blood, But Hey, There's More Milkshake Than You Could Ever Want, And If You Are Lactose Intolerant, Then STAY THE FUCK HOME