Asian women

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To all Asian men reading this:Never mind. Go eat. This article is a waste of time. It panders to the white yearning for the flesh of our women. That is something which makes us glad - glad that we have them. And sad. Sad, for sometimes they stray - although they always come back. But the North American, European, and Australian men, and their women who live on the mysteriously warm Isle of Lesbos, see our women as something extraordinarily unique in nature, a temptresses of the Shivan exotic caste who is very loving and caring and can wiggle. Round-eyes think that things will be done to them by our women which cannot be believed even as their body receives them. After they pay with their credit card, they continue to insist, to their friends in a bar, that what they just went through was an experience they had no idea could be extracted from the brain's chemical and hormonal nervous system connections, its communicational oriented neurons, aand the constant electrical flow-balances between all this activated wetwear. Well, as their pups inarticulately say in the West, "Duh". Why do they think we keep and train them, for their cooking? Well, yes, for that too. But mainly for the pillowing. All of Buddha's blessings to you and your lineage.

To all Asian women reading this: yum-yum?

Asian Woman Have and will always have Deep Throbbing Needs. Or is that Kneads.

Asian women are a subclass of girl. They hail from Asia - a very large land area where elephants and yetis combat in the Spring. As you keep swinging that twitching trunk, Mr. Furry, let it be known far and wide, if you know what I mean, that these Asian girls come complete with one fleshlike vagina and two non-elastic Asian shaped breasts. This combination generally makes them very popular as friends and as collectibles that you just want to keep around to squeeze and squeak.

Be it told now, or be it known later, there is no such thing as an Asian woman with blonde hair. Let alone blue eyes. You've seen them, but they are as fake as the Ladyboys with whom they should not be confused when you go to the dance, if you know what I mean.

And due to the television and movies in the West defining to a frighteningly inaccurate degree the personality and temperament of Asian women, except for Ling, only one thing is clear to the western mind: the Asian Woman has only one goal in life, and that is to please.

Asian Women[edit]

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Asian women are interested in meeting men from around the world, and yes, Studly Doright, that means they want to have your baby. A hint: To impress an Asian woman simply whip out your credit card, whip it out good, and whisper kind nothings in her ear about its substantial limit. Whisper that, and describe your need to be served morning, noon, and night, like some kind of Arabian prince, or Greek demi-god, or what their fathers tried to palm off on their mothers. Yes, serving you in every manner that you direct will make an Asian woman very happy. They will giggle a lot, and when they noisily climax to the ceiling or near enough to feel the breeze, the lamentation episode sounds and looks as cute and cuddly as a barrelful of kittens, mongoose, and fresh lentils going over Niagara Falls on a dare, and is so erotic that you want to hear it again, if you know what I mean. 

Did you know, grasshopper, that Asian women consume less red meat than their Caucasian counterparts, giving them a higher hip fracture resistance (if you know what I mean), more energy, and the suppleness of a veal calf. Asian woman are usually "fit", (attractive), and can be classified as "spinners" or petite, and yet still have better breasts than ordinary women. There are no overweight unmarried women in Asia.

Unfortunately, some white men are afflicted with a terrible infection called yellow fever. Those who suffer from this tragic affliction look at an Asian woman and see the supreme creation of Goddess. Often, and at the same time, they also see them as passive objects that they can dominate, like a couch. And it turns out that the uneducated ones perceive them as women who can screw really well and enjoy a man's hillbilly banter during an exotic dinner (often at the same time).

Asian women varietals[edit]

Chinese women[edit]

"Tell me about it, baby!"

Chinese women, especially the Mongolian variety, are the best choice if you love a tiger in the bed. Growling yellow, baby. Just remember to stay in charge, and not get intimidated; sex is a battleground, and remember that the Chinese invented 孫子兵法 "sun zi bing fa" or The Art of War.

In China, you can get a massage, a foot massage, a shampoo, visit a KTV club, or go to the green grocer, all with happy endings. Every hotel in China has a special floor, from that floor you get a phone call and the cutest-voiced chick says 您喜欢按摩吗? "nin xi huan anmo ma?" ("Would you like a massage?"). She really wants to come up and 打炮 "da pao" (blow your cannon long time). They like doggy style sex (woof woof), but don’t like to be thought of as any dog except Pekinese. Chinese chicks can be quite scandalous, but they never blurt out the names of their ex-lovers while thinking of them continuously, as they will think of you.

Did you know...
If left natural, Chinese ladies have very attractive pubic hair. But generally they keep things squeaky clean.

Chinese women marry you at the drop of a hat, and before marriage will forever pester you about your "single certificate" (dan shen zheng ming 单身证明). In fact, these are the first words that hopeful parents teach their young Chinese daughters, with the exception of "yes, yes please", and "me randy long-time", closely followed by dollar, pound, American Express and euro (formerly Deutschmark).

In China a romantic date can consist of a half dozen chicken feet, a bottle of beer, and a quick roll in the clay. Chinese lovelies can be heard saying on the street, "我爱你 wo I knee, I lob you". In China, you see, a young-woman's-well-dee-do is being given away for free (although coupons are sometimes used in the suburbs), in anticipation of much marriage income. Chinese mothers will push their young attractive daughters on you, and will laugh at you if you push them right back (try it, it can go on for hours). These mothers will do anything they can outside of greasing the pole themselves to get the two of you pillowing each other. But while that is going on, just don’t miss out on all the hot young noodle house girls.

Did You Know: Chinese High school teachers can lather all the students they want. This happened when American President Richard Nixon went to China, and while there he taught the Chinese chicks the "hippie peace sign" (if you know what I mean). They now like to do it all day long time. :) Thanks Tricky Dick!

Don't be fooled, that's not an ordinary Popsicle! Asian women are trained from birth to swallow objects of one to two feet in length. We don't know why, maybe for the gradient.
Indonesians have been successful at creating skyscrapers and multi-floored Asian girls who know how to sing "I'm a little teapot".

Foder's "Guide to China" Travel Tip: At the Sheraton in Beijing the lobby and lounges will be thick with women waiting to pounce on you. Something to be seen once, then avoided for fear of too much. At The Hard Rock Café (if you know what they meant), as well as at the many other nightclubs up and down North Dongsanhuan Road, you can hook up with the local college girls. Nothing can quite prepare you for the onslaught of rock-paper-scissors in China, because Chinese women have no problem drinking. In a nightclub they will play rock-paper-scissors with you for shots or oral sex. At every table there will be dice. You guessed it: they shoot dice with you for shots. Then they do this hand adding game 猜拳 "cai quan" (literally means: guess the fist - not to be confused with "chi chuan" which means "eat river") for shots. You will have no problems scoring an Asian girl in a hand game played for booze or folding money.

Caution: Don’t let her get too drunk, as she won't make it to your room while conscious, and you may need to find a replacement. Not that there will be a shortage. Just get several Asian women and consider the extras like spare tires, in case the first one passes out. With six you get egg-roll, if you know what I mean.

Korean women[edit]

Asian women such as this highly trained Japanese Geisha use artistic expression, nimble body language, and touchy-here to get men rock hard. No Viagra is ever needed long time.

Korean women are recognizable by a face which resembles either the Chinese or a Yeti, mixed in with a culture that makes their nature manipulative, violent, and, if you get the chemistry right, "hot".

Say "You're very pretty" to a Chinese woman and the Chinese woman will politely thank you and walk away with a smile on her face. Say the same thing to a Korean woman and you will be told where and how to take your pointless flirts somewhere else besides her airspace, loser, because you're a fool who has no money and stinks like snake excrement.

Once Asian Nurses began wearing this uniform patient recovery time was cut in half, if you know what that means.

South Korean women, once you break the ice, if you know what I mean, are very materialistic and are sometimes excellent cooks. North Korean women are terrible cooks, and some have never been inside a kitchen. North Korean girls immigrate nowhere, because they can never leave, while South Korean ladies immigrate to Michigan, New York, Nottingham, and Los Angeles.

North Korean women are highly disciplined, extremely dominant, goose stepping girls with an other-worldly air over them. They are usually starving, and only know songs about Kim Jong-un, such as "He Be Crazy Long Time", usually sung in three-part harmony during pillowing. If you catch them napping near a land-mine, and the pillowing starts, the danger of flopping down on a boom-go-boom increases the tension and all is well for the blasting-off. And be careful, they have a lot of plastic surgery.

If you know what I mean[edit]

Japanese women[edit]

A Japanese Woman in typical formal evening dress for a pamper party on your yacht.

Japanese life is mostly filled with hard work. Toil toil toil, all day long, phew, blow hair out of eyes. Those who are lazy cannot fit into society, and they are shunned. So Japanese women always work hard, or, like 90% of the rest of the Japanese, are good at faking it. But praise the whale gods, in recent years the Japanese have taken a more inclusive outlook on women, because now they are having the female politicians who win elections (remember when it was an all boys club where you live? Ah, the good old days.). Politicians like Riyo Mori, who won Miss Universe in 2007, the first East-Asian to win in a very long time who didn't have to casting-couch it.

Psst. Weiner breath. Japanese women are the most educated Asian women in the world, and they like the fact that British and Italian men have modern attitudes, a suave polite charm, and their own coats. Japanese women like to wear small shoes, so as to have something to grease the sand with, if you know what that dilly means, and have incredibly expensive fashion tastes. They also have small eyes, far better than Chinese, small height, small pokey places, and large credit card debts. They are crazy drivers, and have black belts (when in fashion) in the ancient art of dorifuto soko.

But most importantly for the men in their lives, and this is where the rubber meets the road iykwim, Japanese women need to have dangly things in their hands and play with them - things like ornaments of simply-drawn cats and girls with big eyes or something. Their cell phones look like Chinese New Year in a Japanese brothel.

FunFact: Either 45% of all Asian Women are bi-sexual sisters, or life is too good to be true.

When not dressed in geisha or cosplay outfits, the Japanese lovelies wear plaid schoolgirl skirts and pony tails. However, some of the younger ones are now following a trend started by this article, and stroll down the street nude to make males stop to notice long time and observe.

Sexually, Japanese lasses are very kinky, and can masturbate or doggy-style for extended periods of long-time. They are cursed with those two habits, and cannot prevent themselves from doing so constantly. As a result, they will have sex with anyone they can, anywhere they can, and as often as possible. They might even approach you and play lick-the dick, if you somehow know what I mean, automatically and without introduction. Just like a Scotsman. Pray to Buddha that you will meet a Japanese woman. The most attractive thing about them is the child-like look in their eyes. If you end up dating one, a useful tip: remember that every time they get another credit card to max out, they will have multiple orgasms. This is a rule of thumb (if you only knew what I mean).

Vietnamese women[edit]

In many Asian Countries, such as Korea, the cheerleader to male ratio is 13 to 1

These communist fun-pillows (beware, if an American GI marries one he or she will eventually be sacrificed to the Long War) are almost always women, as the phenomena of lady-boys is an extreme rarity in Vietnam. Altering of the sex organs in any way in Vietnam is punishable by death, or worse.

Vietnamese girls know the sorrow. It weighs on them like an American on top. They or their mama or grandma-san were raped and fucked-up-in-the-head, tiger-styled six-ways-to-Sunday by the Chinese, for over 1,000 years! And then the French and Americans shared them for a couple of decades apiece right afterwards. You see, when the Chinese ruled over them, oh boy, they banged them night and day, in-between and sandwich style, for centuries. So mostly they look Chinese.

In the classroom Vietnamese women are sometimes seen as simple minded by the others. They will always fall behind Chinese (foreign born or adopted) and Japanese (foreign born, adopted, or feral) women. But they are far ahead of Filipino chicks (factory-farmed). However, if raised in the U.S., Vietnamese women are far smarter than all the others, bar none, and thus have no native-born natural enemies or American female friends who would rather talk about hand cream and ice cream than the Robert Cream Jr. "Theory of Anti-Magnetical Gravitational Circle-Time".

Vietnamese women are the most flexible of all women, so bring a chair, Vaseline, wipes, and paperclips.

Indian subcontinental women[edit]

Many Asian women have several hundred arms - some for your pleasure, some for theirs, some for your wallet, and some just to pick stuff up.

Hailing from the vast Indian subcontinent of India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh - a.k.a. GeorgeHarrison floody-long-time Land, most subcontinental women have a slightly more hairy pubis than other Asian chicks. Like Japanese, they also have better eyes than Chinese. Especially those Indian wannabes from Sri Lanka - heck, they're like your own mini fur-ball. If you happen to capture one, please educate her and as many of her friends and relatives posthaste about the wonders of shaving. However, if you meet one on the street, they are likely to still have their pet, but, since they also happen to have the biggest roundest tits and tightest quivers in all of Asia, bless their hearts, it's your call. So remember, if you like your yellow darling furry, sweaty, and spicy, they're the perfect bed warming toy (though they do tend to have a little excessive sweating, smelling, as is their custom, like an old rhinoceros fart in a Turkish wrestler's jockstrap) (if you know what I mean) for the educated discerning alpha male.

Thai women[edit]


Thai chicks are extremely cute, and exotic, and also despite being very intelligent are well known for being one of the easiest to capture and feed. However, some of the really scuzzy ones compete with the red light alley and empty-lot women, so you need to fork up the cash or the card or you're out. You shouldn't feel upset about having to pay for their affections, dear God, no, for their love-you-long-time income supports their friends, family, and the kid they say is yours but only looks like your brother a little.

Damage control averted: If you get a Thai woman, hold onto her for all the tea in China (unless she ties your arms around your back, a fun-time trick called "Giggle giggle giggle"). They are known to run away quickly with no explanation, yet if you manage to get one to stick around, the benefits are infinite. They know skills in bed that are ancient secrets of Asia, and they don't have a lot else to practice on considering they live in Thailand. That place is practically a jungle. Again, try and get one of those, but be warned that the small slender bodied Thai girl has been known to lure in a man, devour both his income and his output (in gulps) (if you...), and gives a man unimaginable pleasure which leaves him not knowing what the hell just happened to either him, his now-bendable body arrow, and his old Australian ways.

Filipina women[edit]

Filipinas come in four different flavors

Filipina's "pek peks" (happy happy holes) are in urgent need of injection. If you're lucky enough to snag a really hot and pretty Filipina, chances are that they're into you for either the money, washy me, or their relatives have some kind of Asian ulterior motive.

All single Filipina girls are anal virgins, and keep a picture, image, or large statue of the Virgin Mary close by, sometimes to hold onto for support. However, should you manage to break that drought somehow, they're also the best at "anal funnel", which is like anal sex but from the front, and they'll do it until you both go blind.

Did you know?:The Philippines has one of the largest standing professional female sex armies in Asia, and their services can be rented for a small fee American. Filipino prostitutes have an inferiority complex because other Asian chicks consider them to be of the lowest class imaginable. It is an Asian secret that most Filipinos have some Spanish ancestry from that time when the Armada covered most of the hot girls with "Sea spray" (if you know what they mean). They make up for this by collecting lots of alluring high heels and nail polish.

Bottom line, most Filipinos are able to get pregnant by standing downwind of fertile males, so it's impossible to love them either long or short time without leaving your baby deep inside them, like you're [[Condom|some kind] of raging animal.

Actual Life-size Asian Woman[edit]

Due to their petite stature, Uncyclopedia is able to display an actual correctly proportioned, life-size Asian woman for your viewing pleasure. ta-da: Xl-06.jpg An actual full-size Asian Woman. This Asian woman convinces us of her sincerity to please by licking the foam off the glass, if you only knew what that means. Got to tell you though, a half hour after eating her you'll be hungry again, hardy har har.

Political influence of Asian women[edit]

Asian women tend to work in the nude, and give good dictation.

The political influence of Asian women is well documented but not spoken of. We will be the first to let readers in on this (because the uneducated have already beaten off and left, and so a very small percentage of people are still reading this nonsense by the time they get here). This section is why the Asian man at the front of the article foolishly warned you off. He doesn't want you to know this fact. Okay, ready? Well, it all happens in the house. When the male politicians leave the house, what they do is sneak off to implement their wives policies. Most people think of Asian trained courtesan Mata Hari as the archetypal Femme Fatale, but no, it doesn't end, ever. Women run the entire show. Asia is women-run, not from the front and center, if you know what I mean, but behind the scenes, like ruling over your lover during doggy-style even though he's grunting and squirming man-style in the back there. In all of history not many Asian women were stupid enough to rule openly. There was that Marcos woman from the Phillipines. And Empress Xiao-Qin Ci-Xi Duan-You Kang-Yi Zhao-Yu Zhuang-Cheng Shou-Gong Qin-Xian Chong-Xi Pei-Tian Xing-Sheng Xian (孝欽慈禧端佑康頤昭豫莊誠壽恭欽獻崇熙配天興聖顯皇后), also known as Empress Dowager Cixi (or Trixie), who effectively ruled the Chinese Empire for 50 years. But never mind those show-offs, they are the exception that proves the woo. Asian women run everything in Asia, don't have to trouble themselves with the details, and have the credit cards to prove it.

In fact, that hunk Chairman Mao once said, in a speech never translated into the gutter-languages of the West, Spread the Legs, the Rice (pronounced 'lice') and The Cultural Revolution: A Chinese Woman’s Duty:

"Men are paper tigers. It is a Chinese Socialist's duty for a woman to control and dominate her man. Her man's balls should rest firmly in her purse. Western women, those white and brown weaklings, angry flufferbellies poisoned with the imperialist lie of feminism, are like running dogs or laughing rabbits, having no strength of character or principled thought. What is the true bastion of Iron? It is the masses yearning to do me, collectively, millions upon millions of young, hot, horny female Chinese carriers of the Little Red Book, if you know what I mean - this is the great People's Liberation Army!! (crowds cheer, older women say to themselves "Piccadilly Circus?") "Your Twat-Cum-Fu will overpower and annihilate American, European, and Australian men ripe for the plucking..." Mao, high on something stimulating, continued like this for a long time, like a Twisted Shaman (dibs on the capitalized band name) working up a sweat. Hours later Mao concluded: "Political power grows out of the barrel of a warm, wet, tight cunt-shaped Tunnel Of Goddess Love, and your Tunnels, my countrywomen, are like no other! Your Peach is more powerful than Soma, and you use it to control all nations. Hot ladies, wade into the fast water and hook foreign men with virtue, love, and Beijing sex. Your sugarcoated bullets will defeat them, for it is written and determined that you will vanquish all enemies, and will never to yield!!!!! "

You can see from Mao's research that Asian women do not question the commands of people in authority. Yet they still remain completely in control. In fact, in many Asian cultures, a woman feels great shame if she loses control of her man. Hence, instead of speaking out or crying to the winds, she will keep her feelings locked up deep inside her and control him with her cum fu, which is generally very effective.

Actual British Surgeon General's Warning on Asian Women[edit]

Issued July 28, 1754: Darest not to engage thy Genitalium upon wimman of the orient, even thoseth with discretion, per orders of His Roial Highness the King, est. with Scientifically inclined experiments showing the females in question to be Unreal, but rather a figment of lore brought from upon and beyond the high Seas by ferdiwells, lookouts, and the French, if thou knowest what my humble selfe sayeth. In most heartfelt essence thy King expresses 'Assure at all costs that thy genitalilum be used for godly dalliance with the most fair of our Ladies, that momentary placement among thee delights of the coolie.'

Wait. Hang on. That woman is not even Asian!

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

"Thank you for reading my article. Fooled you long time, yes? Now wipe your silly man goo off the computer screen and begin honoring us like nature intended giggle giggle giggle."