The Future
Nominated Article
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| ↑ before Homo (Pliocene) |
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| see also: Modernity, Futurology |
| ↓ Future |
- This article documents a current event.
- Information may change rapidly as the event progresses.
The future (it can be today, tomorrow or maybe in the next future) is a long-awaited historical period, and the third and final component of the Age of Time trilogy. It has long been scheduled to be opened to the general public by tomorrow, but budget constraints and logic have resulted in continuous daily setbacks to this scheme. Fans of the past and present continually express outrage at this, but producers respond by reminding them they'll all be dead by the time it arrives.
Some people believe the future is merely hypothetical; its very definition, as hard as it is to understand, bears all the signs of impossible logical fallacies and conceptual idiocy. Nevertheless, the idea of the future as a nonsensically shiny place full of robots, rockets and nude Japanese people remains as unflinchingly set into the mind of the public as the chance of next morning being enjoyable.
Introduction[edit | edit source]
Predicting the future is a common term among time fans eagerly awaiting its release. The term refers to any leaked information about the future, and assumptions created from that information, as well as pure conjecture. This consists mostly of fans making guesses based on the mistakes of The Past, which was widely regarded as fun only for the hardcore time fans. There are many internet discussion forums where the world's greatest minds come together and argue with one another whether the future will stick to its simple roots, or be a complete sellout that is all about the graphics.
What makes predicting the future difficult is that it is protected by the CSS encryption algorithm. Anyone who has tried to predict it prior to the 18th century has died; this is not known for certain.
In the future the man will become obsolete. This is because the woman (the earth man's old companion) will create a robot that will have a penis twelve times the size of any earth man before this time. This will be the beginning of the end for all mankind (or just man itself).
What the future is going to be like[edit | edit source]
According to genuine scienticians, you will discover this page at precisely 02:28 22 December 2024 West Africa Time (WAT). Fans of time conjecture that this will have a profound influence on the plot of the future.
General differences[edit | edit source]
From the small amount of information released about the future, this much we know for sure:
In the future, Rambo-esque Teletubbies will function as the soldiers of Earth's dictator, Petey Piranha. All jobs will have become obsolete, as nearly all necessary tasks will be taken care of by mass-produced androids made in the likeness of Oscar Wilde (referred to as OWs). For example, groceries will be delivered by specialized GroceryDrone OWs, which receive grocery lists from widely used robot carrier pigeons. However, in the future all food products will serve as nothing more than aesthetic implements, as human food consumption will have been replaced by vitamin-fortified heroin injections.
Future children will also be raised by HappyNanny OWs, who will expose infants and toddlers under their care to a proportional amount of the soul-crushing isolation they will experience as young adults. Hugs, to be deemed unsanitary in the future, will be performed by HappyNannies in a cold and loveless manner until they are recognized by the child as a form of punishment.
As an adult in the future, your entire life will be spent barren of inconvenience until your 30th birthday, when the Sandmen come to take you to Carousel and you are sent floating gracefully into the air to explode in an array of fantastic bloody carnage while the under-30 crowd has a rave all around you.
Transportation[edit | edit source]
In the future, no one will have to drive on congested roads or get tired from walking long distances, as people will use rocket-powered tricycles to go from place to place, with the exception of the Clown Republic, in which case rocket-powered unicycles take this role. All sidewalks will be conveyor belt like, with giant mechanical hands wearing white gloves picking up humans along the path and dropping them at their destinations. Automobiles and other vehicles will still exist, but rather than consuming gasoline, they will actually produce it, and this gasoline will be used to fuel said tricycles. Contrary to popular belief, teleportation will not exist in the future, as teleportation research will be strictly forbidden by the Earth's genderless vampire overlords. The humans who survive will move to Germany and fight off the vampire overlord people.
Entertainment[edit | edit source]
In the future, entertainment consists of watching kids fight to the death (similar to high school, but scaled up, and with robot dogs) or arguing over who should have been president in 2032. People also take enjoyment to making jokes about how you are still a virgin. Football is a sport that is played in most of the world, but America still doesn't play the same sports because they still have adopted the metric system (in twenty years).
Hot Lisa giving head[edit | edit source]
Every leisure activity enjoyed today will be replaced by a virtual reality version of it. This includes sex, which will be provided by holographic prostitutes projected into your very own bedroom simply by dialing "*69" on your telephone. Thanks to Japanese innovations, said "holo-whores" will be able to be adjusted to meet any conceivable fetish ... Yes, even that.
Visual media-wise, you will be entertained by 3D television thanks to tiny projection emitters embedded in your living room walls. Unfortunately these play nothing but reruns of Family Matters and Knight Rider 24 hours a day. Future equivalents of DVD players will have been banned by the government in response to a cataclysmic battle triggered by format disputes for next generation home entertainment systems.
Fashion[edit | edit source]
Fashion of the future will exclusively be based on a silver/metal theme, with styles falling into one of the following categories:
- Hyper-aerodynamic
- Luminescent
- Glittersequinescent
- Neo-homo
Hairstyle trends will overwhelmingly favor the gravity-defying and sharply jutting type, dramatically increasing the per capita usage of styling mousse, as well as the number of fatal hair impalement incidents each year (both inadvertent and premeditated).
Glasses and sunglasses will always sport dynamic horned rims, or a single oblong lens covering both eyes.
Music[edit | edit source]
All techno. Techno everywhere, all the time, and taken intravenously. Electronica is available in pill or syringe, but an overdose could lead to you dancing until you die. The antidote to a technoshot or technopill overdose will not exist because of the potency of future electronica music. All other forms of music will be called gay for lack of powerful, ultra low synthesized bass and drums. Acoustic guitars everywhere will be destroyed in a "Bluto" Blutarsky fashion against walls in front of horrified chicks until all that remains is synthesized bass and drums.
Yip Classical music crap will be gone within five or ten years of when this was written (2024).
Language[edit | edit source]
In the future, all the world will speak a combination of modern English and lolcat, which closely resembles babytalk English of today. The difference is the calculated result of years of lolinternet. In written English, capital letters become extinct, and much of the grammar has become inconsistent. People everywhere will praise the language for its regularity! Even the English, who enjoy trying to fit as many irregularities into each sentence as possible.
- Examples:
- zampl'z:
- Present-day English: Yesterday I went out and killed my cat.
- futa inglic (Future English): yestaz me go'd out n kil'd ma kat.
- Present-day English: I have a cute pet cat named Ginger.
- futa inglic: me hav kute pet cat nam'd ginger.
- Present-day English: I believe the president is an honest man with benevolent policies.
- futa inglic: no such sentence available in futa inglic .
- Present-day English: You are lovely, and I want to make sweet love to you all night long.
- futa inglic: yu iz luvly, n me wonna seks yu up all nait.
- Present-day English: Serial Killers
- futa inglic (Future English): Fuckz fuckz fuckz !@#$%#@$# bullshiz
By present-day English, this can mean England English (hence the name), American English, Australian English, or underdeveloped Lolcat.
Buildings[edit | edit source]
Buildings will look more phallic than ever, due to the futuristic love of the dildo by every man, woman, and child. Doors with hinges will be eliminated completely and replaced with sliding razor sharp panels. Everything will be covered in chrome and Teflon™ ... EVERYTHING. Flowers and grass springing up from the ground will immediately be painted chrome, and a world-spanning fleet of flying saucers will spray chrome dust into every cloud in the sky. Every cloud will literally have a silver lining.
Also, all skyscrapers will be designed to look like longcat. Anything that is not chrome (and can't be chromed) will be demolished, disintegrated, or assimilated into other things that mean the same thing.
Global warming[edit | edit source]
Due to people throwing garbage and driving cars causing what scientists call "global warming", the earth will nova like Alderaan on the 31st of December year 2100, since Humanity would not exist past the 21st century. The AI creations will live on to pass down a legacy of their human creators.
Futurstorical events[edit | edit source]
In a bit (~3 years)[edit | edit source]
- Dr. Robotnik takes over the world, and falls in love with Amy Rose.
- Women are allowed and encouraged to be topless in public after they sue the government for inequality with men.
- You die.
- Tokyo renamed "Neo Tokyo".
- Vatican admits pretty much everything was a hoax. Longest April fools joke. Ever.
- The Polar Ice Caps asplode.
- Starcraft 2 replaces football as world's most popular sport.
- The First Church of Spongebob opened.
- Aunt Ginny makes her famous brownies for the bake sale.
- Earth's magnetic poles mysteriously reverse positions. USA wakes up to discover that it is now in South America.
- Female orgasm scientifically proven to exist.
- Robots become intelligent enough to understand humour.
- Canada buys one (1) tank.
- Pizza will become more real. It will have been added to fairy bread tacos.
- The 300th day of the year will be swapped with the 127th day of the next year, except every 14 years.
- The Simpsons will reach at least season 50, while Family Guy returns to its 20th season after being canceled seven more times.
- Somebody thinks they could solve the global food crisis by eating recycled, purified, reprocessed shits with added flavors and nutrients.
After that (~5–10 years)[edit | edit source]
- The paperless office is perfected.
- New York renamed "Neo York" or "New and Improved York".
- The independent state of Utah annexes Singapore, colonizes it, and renames it "Utoporia".
- Trilobites totally make a comeback!
- Matt Groening genetically engineered to look like Homer Simpson.
- Poorly built space elevator is constructed and quickly breaks down, necessitating construction of a space escalator.
- Wikipedia purchased by Encyclopœdia Dramatica LLC (Limited Lulzability Company).
- The UK collapses.
- Hoffa gets buried.
- Toenails go extinct.
- New Rule over North America.
- All Uncyclopedia articles are permanently locked to non-robotic users.
- Canada gets its first shipment of weapons for its army – but no soldiers.
- Sweden, Finland and Norway blow up (cause unknown).
- China is taken over by tribbles.
- Goombas get added to the list of endangered species.
- George W. Bush's dad whips him for not starting the prophesized war in Iran.
- Cornwall declares itself an independent republic.
- Uruguay and Paraguay merge into Guaymundo.
- Hillary Clinton seizes power by coup. Obamaland and Dixie declare independence.
- Donald Trump starts a war with Mexico and Venezuela at the same time.
- The Southern states of the US decide one Civil War was not nearly enough, because the right way to right a wrong is by making another one.
- The Hatfields and McCoys dig up the hatchet.
- The Quebecois work themselves to death while trying to turn all of Quebec into a giant spaceship in an attempt to secede from Canada.
Always twenty years from now[edit | edit source]
- 2044: Fusion power perfected.
- 2044: Old storage medias become obsolete as new ones are invented. Data stored on old media becomes lost to obsolescence.
- 2044: The minimum wage is finally raised to a living wage – according to 2024 standards.
- 2044: Artificial intelligence becomes capable of passing the Turing test.
- 2044: Lunar colonization begins.
- 2044: Humans land on Mars.
- 2044: Cure for Dementia discovered. As a side effect, absent-mindedness is also treatable.
- 2044: Cure for cancer discovered.
- 2044: Flying cars outnumber regular cars.
- 2044: Grand unification of quantum mechanics and falling apples.
- 2044: Cure for the common cold discovered.
- 2044: This entire list remains eerily familiar.
- 2044: Virtual reality doesn't look as fake at it did twenty years ago.
- 2044: I finally kick the habit of procrastination.
- 2044: America finally adopts the metric system.
A long ways off (~30–80 years)[edit | edit source]
- New Zealand renamed "Nü Zealånd".
- Nü Zealånd will invade all pacific islands.
- Australia will invade Nü Zealånd, thus controlling "Austro-Nü-Chinasia-nesia" (the new name for the Pacific/Asia).
- All forms of education rendered obsolete by the invention of brain transplants.
- Overpopulation solved with the final solution.
- I have sex with your mom for the 42069th time.
- You might lose your virginity.
- Injectable vaccines become available in pill form.
- Workers can work 10–6 instead of 9–5. (Some say that 8–4 is also a possibility.)
- People will actually do what "we should do something some time" when they meet with an old friend.
- Walt Disney wakes up from under Disney World.
Very far from now (80+ years)[edit | edit source]
- Someone finally out-pizzas The Hut.
- The Hunger Games become reality.
- The improbability drive is perfected.
- Plants become obese after excessive carbon dioxide ingestion.
- You will learn the truth: Jesus Christ is the Creator and the Savior of all mankind.
- Intergalactic travel is open to civilians (for a price of course).
- A human visits Andromeda. (Not!)
- Philip J. Fry defrosts.
- The USA collapses.
- A safe, effective, affordable weight loss pill is invented.
- Sun goes dim; Danny Boyle nukes it back into brightness.
- Math class goes away.
- We finally colonize the other side of your mom's ass.
The last moments of the universe[edit | edit source]
- Humanity becomes intelligent.
- Neo Germany makes a joke that's actually funny.
- Earthlings welcome aliens with open arms, and an unprejudiced point of view.
- Nü Zealånd discovers cure for the end of the universe. Nobody cares. As usual.
- National Weather Service becomes 100% accurate.
- Bill Gates goes bankrupt.
- People watch and like Batman and Robin.
- Duke Nukem Forever, Dr. Dre's Detox, and Axl Rose's Chinese Democracy 2 are released as a bundle pack on Steam.
- Bags of crisps come full to the rim, not half-full of air.
- Death dies.
- Dr. Zoidberg becomes rich and gains friends, thus ending his misery.
- Nü Zealånd survives an apocalypse where the Earth is destroyed in a big hellfire. The guy who invented the spoon is brought to the future by means of time travel but before inventing the spoon and dying in the apocalypse, thus creating a time paradox that destroys the entire universe.
- Your mom's cookies actually taste bad.
- First time machine made is built; Church of Scientology buys one and goes back to the start of humanity. (Huge disappointment; someone stepped on an internet.)
- France refuses to surrender.
- France refuses to eat cheese.
- The UK is actually remembered by people who do not live/come from there.
- Dubya finally gets it.
- Canada recaptures the earth.
- France evolves into humans.
- Edward Cullen goes straight.
- Time machines are sold out.
- Pigs swim.
- Science discovers proof of Divine Existence.
- All Fake News outlets go out of business as misinformation becomes obsolete.
- It becomes possible to travel both into and out of a black hole, as well as to parallel dimensions.
- The last statement ever stated: What the BOOM!
Inventions of the future[edit | edit source]
- Uncyclopedia Plus
- Uncyclopedia Minus
- Food Pills
- A Canadian Military
- Wheel 2.0
- The SuperWheel
- The XtremeWh33l
- Fire Xtreme
- Carbon dioxide-fueled automotive engines
- Battery operated leg warmers
- Time machines
- Most things from futurama (except talking robots)
- A system that works
- Iron Man
- Edible rapists with shit in their brains
- Flying cars (fucking lying 1980s movies)
- The Shagohod
- A better mousetrap
- Assassins from the future
- Prosthetic weapons
- Everything we ever wanted but didn't have the technology to make
- or were told we didn't have the technology even though we actually did have it
- and the rich bastards who did have it all fucking died
- My cat will work out and diet instead of being a potato that never moves.
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