“In Soviet Russia, paradox causes YOU!!!!”
Temporal paradox (also known as time paradox and time travel paradox) is the result of time travel causing an event to "uncause" that event... did I say that right?
- 1 Index of Temporal Paradoxes
- 1.1 Temporal Paradox #0
- 1.2 Temporal Paradox #1
- 1.3 Temporal Paradox #1-a
- 1.4 Temporal Paradox #2
- 1.5 Temporal Paradox #3
- 1.6 Temporal Paradox #π
- 1.7 Temporal Paradox #4
- 1.8 Temporal Paradox #5
- 1.9 Temporal Paradox #6
- 1.10 Temporal Paradox #7
- 1.11 Temporal Paradox #8
- 1.12 Temporal Paradox #9
- 1.13 Temporal Paradox #10
- 2 Advice for Understanding Temporal Paradoxes
- 3 Solution to some Temporal Paradoxes
- 4 Notes
Index of Temporal Paradoxes
Temporal Paradox #0
“Do you know how fucking stupid Back to the Future is?!”
“That's so weird I remember removing this quote.”
This article was written by someone who read it, went back in time, and wrote it to be identical to the article that was previously (or subsequently) read by said person.
Temporal Paradox #1
If you travel to the past to kill a person, and succeed, then in the future (your present) that person will not exist, thus you don't have to go back in time to kill him/her. But if you didn't go back, then he/she will still be alive. Then you'd have to send yourself back in time to kill him/her, but, if you succeed, he/she wouldn't be alive when you first planned to kill him/her. And, as it is pointless to kill a dead person, you give up the time travel. But look! He/She is still alive, because you didn't go back in time to kill him/her! And if you decide to kill that person again in his/her past, then you'd travel back in time, and if you succeed, that person would be dead in the future again, so you wouldn't bother building the extremely expensive time-travelling machinery to kill a dead person! And as soon as you give up travelling in time, the previously deceased ceases its deceased state, because you had never really killed him/her.
Temporal Paradox #1-a
If Romulans travel back through time and cause the death of your father immediately following your birth, you will grow up to be a brilliant but aimless nasty little punk who steals 250-year-old internal combustion land vehicles and picks fights, until you get the crap kicked out of you in a bar and some high-ranking military officer straightens you out. Then you'll get your own command as captain of a starship; but if you have a history of being a thief and a punk who picks fights, you won't get your own command. If you don't get your own command, the Romulans don't end up going back through time. so you don't grow up that way, and you do get your own command after all. But, then, the Romulans travel back through time and cause the death of your father...and so on. This is also known as the "Abrams-Orci-Kurtzman effect."
Temporal Paradox #2
“Hi grandfa- I mean random stranger. I am going to kill you now. You're-”
If you travel back in time and accidentally kill your grandfather, you would not exist in the present, and thus you'd be in a condition totally inappropriate for travelling; you'd be non-existent. But, if you don't exist, then you cannot kill your grandfather, so your grandfather would live his life well, until an ungrateful grandchild happened to kill him. Unless you also fuck your grandmother while in the past. But that's just wrong.
Temporal Paradox #3
“If you read an Oscar Wilde quote on Uncyclopedia that is so memorable that it prompts you to build a time machine, travel back in time and deliver the anecdote to Wilde himself, the witticism is completely without an original author. It is thus a violation of the Law of Conservation of Wit.”
Temporal Paradox #π
Temporal Paradox #4
From a time of war between man and machines, you are sent to the past by your best friend, the leader of the human resistance, to keep the machines from killing his mother, thus allowing him to exist and continue to resist the machines. You have sex with his hot mom and become his father, securing his existance, however when the machine hunting your friend's mother (your baby momma) is destroyed, pieces are left behind. This allows scientists of the past to study and develop the machines that start to rise against humanity. This makes one wonder if it was such a great idea to go back in the first place, because if your friend (or son) would not have existed, the machines would not have to kill his mother or him and would not have been made in the first place.
(Retort) I am afraid due to this section being too unfunny I am forced to retort. In the film (Teminator.. OMG didn't you realise it was?) The parts found allow the humans to progress faster what they were already working on, as stated in T2 Judgement day. They end up causing the death of some black guy and all his achievements leaving his son and wife scarred for life from seeing some austrian cut his flesh off shortly before invading poland. This supposedly would stop judgement day.
HOWEVER in T3, it states that judgement day is actually inevitable and the technology is developed anyway because funnily enough being a robot from the future delivering mass carnage and mayhem doesn't actually go unoticed. It is also said that Skynet has to be developed because the US government is incapable of controlling its own army, what with sending it to vast areas of sand searching WMD's. So they have to build a flying computer to control it all, why does it need to fly? Well who knows, the only important thing is that this giant supercomputer flies.
The paradox really is, if they hadnt gone back in time at all, it would have saved us three very similar, bad guy comes after you and eventually dies films, that made absolutely no difference to the course of history what-so-ever. Thus time cannot be changed.
Temporal Paradox #5
If you were to go back in time and hide a box of free range chickens in a dinosaur's nest, you would single handedly solve one of the most long running conundrums in the world.
Temporal Paradox #6
You find a time machine and realize it works. Immediately you are visited by yourself, only older. His time machine is broken, so he wants yours. Unfortunately, he is a complete cock sucking faggot so you try to kill him. Sadly, he kills you. But if he killed you, how could he kill you? And why are you such a cock sucking faggot in the future anyway?
Temporal Paradox #7
You are intersex, and you are taken back in time and tricked into impregnating your younger, female self (before you underwent a sex change). Your younger self then gives birth to yourself, which an older you then kidnaps and drops off in an orphanage several years in the past in order to ensure your own existence, with the resulting consequence that you are your own mother, father, son, and daughter. You also realize that you seduced yourself and had a one-night stand with yourself, and you are therefore the world's sickest bastard.
Temporal Paradox #8
You go back in time and mess everything up, but when you get back to the present it turns out you'd already messed everything up in the past BEFORE YOU EVEN WENT BACK so everything's exactly the same.
Temporal Paradox #9
You have a watch which you have had since you were young, when your father gave it to you. You decide to travel to the past to the day you first got your watch, after which you meet your younger self with his new watch. You give him the watch that you have so that he now has two watches- the watch his father gave him and the watch you gave him (which is actually the future version of that same watch). When you go back to the future, infinite watches are generated and the world is crushed under the weight of the watches. This is because, given that the past and future are connected, the number of watches that you have had since you were young multiplied itself by two an infinite number of times, all at the same time.
Temporal Paradox #10
You go back to the year 2004 and warn the other Uncyclopedians about the oncoming flood of shitty one-liners. However since they haven't actually seen these for themselves, the idea appeals to many and so the whole reason for the Great Stub Flood of 2005 was because you had the brilliant idea to go back in time to stop it happening.
Advice for Understanding Temporal Paradoxes
1) Don't ask your younger/older self what's going on.
2) Shit Happened.
Solution to some Temporal Paradoxes
While time travelling, don't alter the past. Altering the past includes:
- Killing people. Those people include important historical figures, your relatives, and most important, yourself. Do not kill yourself. Unless, of course you were supposed to, then don't not do it!
- Having unsafe sexual relations with people from the past. Unless, of course you were supposed to, then don't not do it!
- Leaving objects from the future. DeLorean cars, iPods, garbage and laser pistols must be brought back. Unless, of course you were supposed to, then don't not do it!
- Putting instant coffee in a microwave oven. Unless, of course you were supposed to, then don't not do it!
- Speaking, writing, drawing, miming, or communicate future events in any means. Unless, of course you were supposed to, then don't not do it!
- Killing certain types of Snakes and Ocelots. Unless, of course you were supposed to, then don't not do it!
- Backdating checks or money orders. Unless, of course you were supposed to, then don't not do it!
- Transmitting recordings of old time radio shows into a black hole. Unless, of course you were supposed to, then don't not do it!
- Enslaving native people. Unless, of course you were supposed to, then don't not do it!
- Singing karaoke. Unless, of course you were supposed to, then don't not do it!
- Existing. Unless, of course you were supposed to, then don't not do it!
- Pissing off Dialga. Unless, of course you were supposed to, then don't not do it!
- Go piss off Mew, Unless, if you dont were suppose to do it, Dont do it or he will kill you!.
- If Snake shoots Ocelot when he was a young commie, Snake'll get yelled at. Through time. Pretty sweet, eh? Unless, of course you were supposed to, then don't not do it!
- Associate with Doctor Who. Unless, of course you were suppose to, then don't not do it!
- Go piss off Mew, Unless, if you dont were suppose to do it, Dont do it or he will fuck the world up!.
- Parking your Time Machine on the Turin Shroud and travel backwards to see where it really came from.
- Standing behind the grassy knoll at Dealey Plaza on November 22, 1963 12:30 PM CST.
Please remember to always wear the appropriate clothes for the time/place you are visiting, and keep your hands and internal organs inside the time machine during the travel.
- IT CANNOT!!! Anyone who says differently is a count.