HowTo:Travel Through Time

Ever wanted to go back to the time of Moses and the Argonauts? Ever wanted to meet your distant relative from that time period and ask how it's hanging? Ever wanted to have sex with this person, thusly using the power of incest to fuck up the gene pool and bring a race of mutated superbeings that will follow your every command and help you take over the future?

Well, it could all be yours my good sir, as long as you can TRAVEL THROUGH TIME!

Requirements

Time travel requires many specific traits. Without any of them, you may not exit this realm and journey through the fifth dimention. Wait, is it the fourth? Aw fuck it, nobody knows... Anyway, here are the things you must be or have:

Height

Noone under 48 inches may travel through time. If you are one of the small majority who do not meet this requirement, back of the line, Skippy. If you want you can just head on by the petting zoo.

Gender

Both men and women may travel through time. Boys and girls under the age of eighteen years old are also allowed as long as they fit the other requirements and are accompanied by an adult. Hermaphrodites are not allowed. That'll learn ya to creep out the general public!

Back-o-the bus, Webster!

Identity

You can not, and I repeat, can NOT, be Jeff Foxworthy. Sorry Jeff, nothin' personal, it's just the rules...

“If you milk a cow without a shirt on and so does your husband... you can suck my cock!”

~ Jeff Foxworthy on not being allowed to travel through time

Occupation

Only employed persons of the following occupations may time travel:

Warning: people in the future HATE disco and will lasers you to death on sight!

• Pirate
• Anti-Ninja
• Sex-Bot
• Jesus
• AnonymousMember
• Spongebob
• Rock Salt
• Gay Beater
• Chef
• Keanu Reeves
• Hot College Girl
• Penis Enlarger Pump
• Your Hot Mom
• Camoflauge

Instructions

Well, if you meet all previously listed requirements, then stay here to read the instructions. If you failed to meet any requirements, then I politely urge you to GTFO!!!

Aaaaanyway, here are a few simple steps on how to travel through time...

Step One: Nazification

To be a registered time traveller, you must first accept Adolf Hitler as your true leader... Done! Okay, now that we have nazificated ourselves, let's move on to step two!

Step Two: Concentrate

If you want, and I mean REEEEAAAALLY want, to complete the time travelling process, you will need to gain complete concentration on your goal. This means to shut out all outside influences, including this HowTo page. Breaking this concentration for even a second will make you need to start all over, in such case, nice going, DOUCHE!

Step Three: Travelling

Now is when you gain access to all the benefits time travel can offer! Just close your eyes and count to ten... Good! Now with your eyes still closed, read the following message alloud:

Cельдерей капусты полого вала обезьяны масла коровы язычка медведя тестикула клитора герпеса пениса ваша мать будет задержанным в развитии полный шлюхой.

Mmm, that looks fuckin' delish!

Step Four: Profit!

Congratulations, you have just completed the time travelling process! If done correctly, your cake should be soft and puffy, with a golden-brown color.

Tip

When in the past, the slightest movement can greatly effect the present, so don't do something stupid like killing your great-great-great grandfather, looking yourself in the face in either the past or future-however the present does not matter, or molesting a T-rex, or stepping on the first Twinkie, or editing the a1pпab3t.

However, I would advise that you studied the GrandFather Paradox as this could cause a disruption in space and/or time.

Closing

Well, I hope you found this page to be helpful and informative. Good luck and HAPPY TRAVELS!!! I would like to add, Could you visit my step son's cousin, who answers to the name of Easdl8, in the time of 1933. This would be a great help to the human race; Due to the fact she holds the secret of all secrets.

T1M€ TR∆V€L

The Past • Back to the Future • Bill & Ted • Blackadder • Butterfly effect • Doctor Who • Dude, Where's My Time Machine? • End of Time • Flux capacitor • Future Santa • Ghost of Christmas Past • HowTo:Beat jet lag • HowTo:Go back in time and assassinate Hitler • HowTo:Travel Through Time • International Date Line • The IATT • Laws of Time Travel • SIDRAT • Space-Time Collapse • Stargate • STL • TARDIS • Temporal paradox • Temporal Prime Directive • Time machine • Time Travel Patents • Uncertainty Principle • The Present • UnBooks:Instant Messaging Translation Guide for 19th Century English Gentlemen • UnBooks:The Complete Asshole's Guide to Time Travel • UnNews:Correspondent travels back in time... • What If?:Dentists could time travel? • Why?:Won't time travel be invented? • Why?:Time Travel is Impossible • Why?:You Should Never Mess with the Space Time Continuum • The Future