HowTo:Travel Through Time
Ever wanted to go back to the time of Moses and the Argonauts? Ever wanted to meet your distant relative from that time period and ask how it's hanging? Ever wanted to have sex with this person, thusly using the power of incest to fuck up the gene pool and bring a race of mutated superbeings that will follow your every command and help you take over the future?
Well, it could all be yours my good sir, as long as you can TRAVEL THROUGH TIME!
Time travel requires many specific traits. Without any of them, you may not exit this realm and journey through the fifth dimention. Wait, is it the fourth? Aw fuck it, nobody knows... Anyway, here are the things you must be or have:
Both men and women may travel through time. Boys and girls under the age of eighteen years old are also allowed as long as they fit the other requirements and are accompanied by an adult. Hermaphrodites are not allowed. That'll learn ya to creep out the general public!
You can not, and I repeat, can NOT, be Jeff Foxworthy. Sorry Jeff, nothin' personal, it's just the rules...
~ Jeff Foxworthy on not being allowed to travel through time
Only employed persons of the following occupations may time travel:
- Rock Salt
- Gay Beater
- Keanu Reeves
- Hot College Girl
- Penis Enlarger Pump
- Your Hot Mom
Well, if you meet all previously listed requirements, then stay here to read the instructions. If you failed to meet any requirements, then I politely urge you to GTFO!!!
Aaaaanyway, here are a few simple steps on how to travel through time...
Step One: Nazification
To be a registered time traveller, you must first accept Adolf Hitler as your true leader... Done! Okay, now that we have nazificated ourselves, let's move on to step two!
Step Two: Concentrate
If you want, and I mean REEEEAAAALLY want, to complete the time travelling process, you will need to gain complete concentration on your goal. This means to shut out all outside influences, including this HowTo page. Breaking this concentration for even a second will make you need to start all over, in such case, nice going, DOUCHE!
Step Three: Travelling
Now is when you gain access to all the benefits time travel can offer! Just close your eyes and count to ten... Good! Now with your eyes still closed, read the following message alloud:
Cельдерей капусты полого вала обезьяны масла коровы язычка медведя тестикула клитора герпеса пениса ваша мать будет задержанным в развитии полный шлюхой.
Step Four: Profit!
Congratulations, you have just completed the time travelling process! If done correctly, your cake should be soft and puffy, with a golden-brown color.
When in the past, the slightest movement can greatly effect the present, so don't do something stupid like killing your great-great-great grandfather, looking yourself in the face in either the past or future-however the present does not matter, or molesting a T-rex, or stepping on the first Twinkie, or editing the a1pпab3t.
However, I would advise that you studied the GrandFather Paradox as this could cause a disruption in space and/or time.
Well, I hope you found this page to be helpful and informative. Good luck and HAPPY TRAVELS!!! I would like to add, Could you visit my step son's cousin, who answers to the name of Easdl8, in the time of 1933. This would be a great help to the human race; Due to the fact she holds the secret of all secrets.