Mikhail Gorbachev

Михаил реганович Горбачёв
☭ 8th Leader of the Soviet Union ☭
In office March 10, 1985 – December 25, 1991
Preceded by	Konstantin Chernenko
Succeeded by	none (USSR Dissolved) Boris Yeltsin (as President of Russia)
☭ 10th President of the Sovetski Onion ☭
In office October 1, 1988 – December 25,1991
Preceded by	Andrei Gromyko
Succeeded by	none (USSR Dissolved) Boris Yeltsin (as President of Russia)
Personal details
Nationality	Russian
Political party	Communist (in denial)

	This article was written by a fascist.
	If you don't laugh, we'll execute five prisoners!

“Peter the Great opened the "window to Europe". Lenin closed it. Gorby reopened it. Putin reclosed it. Damn it people! What the fuck!? Stop playing with windows!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Russia

“Mr.Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”

~ Reagan on Gorbachev

“Mr.Gorbachev, you spilled Ketchup on your Head!”

~ Reagan on Gorbachev

“Mr.Gorbachev, you are a mad dog!”

~ Russians on Gorbachev

“A fake Commie? To the Gulag you go!”

~ Stalin on Gorbachev

☭ Mikhail Birthmarkovich Gorbachev, (Russian: Михаил Родинкович Горбачёв) ☭, also known as The Gorby, (Russian: Тварь, Россию развалил!), was the Chernobyl Plant nuclear safety inspector, later promoted to and best known as the Last Emperor of the Soviet Union. Due to the lack of knowledge in political and governmental issues, he unwillingly destroyed Communism, making himself the most hated man in USSR in the process. However, he became wildly popular in the West, and very nearly deposed Ronald Reagan in a bloody 1989 coup attempt. He was twice honored as Time's Man of the Year, and even acknowledged as "Man of the Decade" the second time, for his amazing achievements. He now sells used Lada scrap parts outside the Russian Capital, Stalingrad, occasionally being requested as a map reference source for studying the geography of Italy.

Early years

Gorbachev's campaign poster showing heavy reliability of the Soviet Union upon foreign market products, in this case, American batteries. This had presumably led the union into communist and economic failure throughout the late 1980's.

Gorbachev was immaculately conceived and gestated in the belly of a goat for 27 months. Upon delivery, he immediately declared his allegiance to Communist principles and began hunting down and executing Kulaks. At the age of three or something like that he got a weird shaped, ugly, disgusting, vile, horrendous, birthmark on his head. This mark has been interpreted to be the Virgin Mary, like the one on that piece of bread. In Moscow, Stalin heard of his brave deeds and immediately placed him in charge of the KGB. Unfortunately, this conflicted with Lavrentiy Beria's quest for world domination, and Gorbachev was summarily executed by firing squad in the first of the Great Binges and Purges.It took over ten pounds of bullets to take down this magnificent beast and before the KGB could get to the body, Astin Kutcher with 'Punked' was on the scene and everybody had a laugh.

Resurrection

Gorby was crucified by the Russian Empire, died for the Russians' sins, and was buried. On the third day he rose again according to the scriptures and was posthumously rehabilitated. This time, he was re-born as a virulent anti-Communist and decided to bring about the downfall of the Soviet Union by any means necessary. Being a clever sort of chap, he decided to infiltrate the Communist Party from the inside. He joined the nuclear (pronounced nu-ku-lar) research group and served as Safety Inspector of Sector 7G at the Spr- err CHERNOBYL Nuclear Plant from 1946 to 1955. Within the next years he had been double-hastely promoted throughout the Party and elected President and Czar of all the Russias, and Grand Dragon of the Russian KKK (Kings of killed keystone) - who actually have nothing against black folks, but really hate Jews.

Further Adventures

As a general secretary of the Politburo, Gorbachev was renowed for his keen and acute diplomatic skills.

As President, Gorby had a full schedule and spent almost all of his time catching butterflies and contemplating his navel, plotting and scheming for the day when he could destroy his country. Despite this, he still managed to find time to take tea with the Queen of England, which was something they both enjoyed. However, according to the Queen, "we were just friends". A momentous event occurred in 1956 when Gorby read the text of Khrushchev's Secret Speech, in which he denounced Stalinism and admitted his own homosexuality. This had a profound impact on Gorby, who was also gay, and cemented his hatred of all things Stalin, which had begun shortly after his resurrection and rebirth. Several years later, around 1962, Gorby took a first stab at toppling Communism by charging head-first into the newly constructed Berlin Wall. Unfortunately this attempt proved unsuccessful, and Gorby was left with a nasty scar on the top of his head for his troubles.

The Brezhnev Years

In 1964, Khrushchev was seen walking into a Kharkov whorehouse, never to be heard from again. In his absence, Leonid Brezhnev stepped into the void and assumed the title of Emperor of the Universe, with a minor in Russian dictatorship. He became Gorbachev's patron and Gorbachev continued his rise through the party ranks, still dreaming of the day when he could annihilate the country. The Brezhnev years became known as the "years of stagnation" due to the slowdown in the Soviet economy and general sense of malaise among the populace. This became known as "the malaise of the people", in true commie fashion. However, the economic slowdown wasn't all Brezhnev's fault. During the period of the Great Binges and Purges, the Soviet Union's most profitable export had been human bones, which were used in the West to make knick-knacks. Once the killings stopped, so did the bone exports, and Brezhnev watched helplessly as the economy went into sharp decline. In order to remedy this, Brezhnev invaded Czechoslovakia in 1968 under the pretense of ending the "Prague Spring." However, this was actually a bone-gathering mission, and was fully supported by Gorby, who had an extensive collection of knick-knacks.

Old Commies Dying

By the early 1980s, the leadership of the Communist Party were a bunch of decrepit old bastards, and the party wasn't much of a party at all. In fact, it was more like a geriatric ward. This is known as the period of "Old Commies Dying." Brezhnev gave up the ghost in 1982 after a long battle with obesity, senility, and stupidity, and was quickly replaced by Yuri Andropov, an ex-KGB man and high Satanic priest. He died within months of taking office, after a bloody struggle with the Prince of Darkness himself. He in turn was replaced by Constantin Chernenko, who rumor has it was already dead upon assuming office. His stuffed corpse was paraded around the Kremlin for several months until it began to decompose, at which point Gorby assumed the title of "Emperor of the Universe, King of Russia, Lord of the Rings, and Grand High Priestess of the Royal Order of Pastafarianism". With his former patrons now dead, Gorby was free to carry out his mission to sabotage the and fully destroy the Soviet Union.