History[edit | edit source]
Austrialians first created the three Clamburgers (Dewey, Emmy, and Carol) to retaliate against the Atlanteans in World War 0.00001. These fiendish foes (Who are not of an Australian-bordering ocean?) had previously set up and detonated millions of spyware bombs in Australia's capital city, New York. However, the cunning pirates who stole the first desktop computer from the Atlanteans had not been born yet, so Australia was unaffected. Although the Australians had no idea what spyware was, they were aware of the hostile nature of the attack, and had no choice but to retaliate. Thus, the clamburgers were born.
But how?![edit | edit source]
The French are too proud to admit it, but they actually had a hand in the clamburgers' creation. They assured Australia that Atlantis did not, in fact, exist. However, when the Australians rebutted, making fun of their dietary habits, the French were enraged and threw together a most terrible of recipes, not even daring to follow it themselves. They airmailed it to Australia, who for some reason did not question it one bit.
The Voyage[edit | edit source]
These clamburgers were completely unarmed, but they hardly needed any form of weaponry save their terrible stench. They were shipped off to Atlantis on the SS This Is Not In Any Way Similar To The Trojan Horse Story. However, after the ship arrived directly above the Atlantean capital, captain George Lucas realized that there was no way to plunge into the ocean without drowning. Naturally, he was starting to get hungry. After attempting to eat one of the clamburgers, Carol, he simultaneously died from getting beat down by the two others and due to a chemical reaction with the digesting clamburger and his stomach acid causing him to catch fire somehow. George's funeral lasted five weeks, as the clamburgers had nothing else to do.
Recompensating[edit | edit source]
Dewey and Emmy were quite bored now, so they huddled together to come up with a new plan of action. Their only chance of getting out of there was to either steer the ship back, or to see if they could swim. Emmy tested out the second idea by tossing Dewey overboard. Unfortunately for Emmy, Dewey floated. Enraged, the floating clamburger started gnawing on the wooden structure of the boat until it sunk. Dewey was then struck on the head by a falling piece of timber and he died. Emmy swam over to the dead body and cried tears of sorrow. The tears brought Dewey back to life AS A ZOMBIE CLAM OH SNAPS so Dewey ate Emmy for no apparent reason and thus ambled back to dry land.
Dealing with the threat[edit | edit source]
Dewey the Zombie Clamburger ended up in a remote town in South Carolina. The villagers were none too happy about this turn of events. Luckily for them, the combined forces of Chef Boy-ar-dee and
Chuck Norris various Italian vaccine-carrying medical experts were on the case. These medics acted quickly, swiftly dispatching an immunization drug known as "maltodextrin" to the townsfolk. Meanwhile, the mysterious Chef stabbed the clamburger in half, and shipped it away, back to Australia where it belonged. Surprisingly, no recognition was given to the chef.
Reactions[edit | edit source]
Although the Australians thought the clamburger tasted like a delicious appetizer and homemade their own at home, their sense of taste cannot be trusted and will not be trusted on account of several unspecific reports:
“I don't see what the big deal is, really. What're these guys talking about with their unheard of World War Zero-point-lots-more-zeroes-one? I mean, really, clamburgers don't even taste that good, and they have sort of a rubbery, hurty texture. Bleuurgh.”
“Clamburgers will by no means be an item in the upcoming Smash Bros. game, mark my words.”
Recipe[edit | edit source]
Many a parliamentary leader has argued over the precise recipe required to create such a terrible burger. However, most experts agree that to successfully replicate the clamburgers created back in the 19th century, the following steps must be taken.
- First, get out a bowl.
- Next, retrieve five clams (shells included)
- Use the bowl to SMASH THEM INTO SMALL BITS
- Use a swifer mop to swiff them into a Skippy peanut butter jar.
- Shake the jar until you get bored
- Get a goat liver and stuff it with the jar's contents, including the jar itself
- Eat it, digest it, and cough it back up again
- Use a rolling pin to flatten it until it's flat enough to fold into a paper airplane
- Throw it at the nearest person nearby
- Count the number of consonant letters in the person's reactional exclamation and cook it in the oven for that many minutes
- For extra flavouring, sprinkle it with green sauce. IT'S LIKE RED SAUCE BUT WITH FOOD COLORING
- Put it all in a Blendtec Total Blender, press the Tom Dickson button
- You may want to use rubber gloves to extract the mess and then put it between two whole-wheat hamburger buns
- Under no circumstances should you use white buns, it's unhealthy enough as is.
- Under no circumstances should you eat it