Cinnabon
“Yes, they're fresh Goddamn it!”
“I gets my cinna-on at the Cinna-bon.”
“It's God in a cardboard box!!!!!”
“Cinnabon makes me horny all over!”
Cinnabon is a purveyor of baked products made sometime prior to the separation of whale farts but is merely a front organization for a speakeasy bakery that makes fresh cinnamon rolls and provides them to customers smart enough and savvy enough to say, "Do you have any fresh ones?" or "Are these fresh?"
History[edit | edit source]
Cinnabon's origins lie in the geologically ancient past, just prior to 180 million years ago. At that time, approximately 178 million years before the genus homo first arrived in the fossil record and almost 180 million years before the domestication of wheat, an enterprising man created a cheap, simple method of making cinnamon rolls. Having hit upon such a prodigious technique, he quickly opened a store in present day Seattle. Slightly underestimating the market, this man baked enough Cinnabons that even today the company still sells those exact same rolls to the gullible. Though not an immediate success, the company saw the opportunity to open their first franchise in Gondwana after the continents broke up.
As the geologic forces split Pangea into seven continents arrayed in the familiar locations American students refuse to learn in geography class, so too did Cinnabon spread, but by the eighteenth century, the company had fallen on hard times and retained only a sparse few bakeries in France. As the Cinnabon bakeries carried the same rolls made over 180 million years earlier, they proved fairly unpopular to the French who preferred their baked goods fresh and crescent shaped. The situation was made worse when the mold on these Cinnabons proved to be ergot and caused the French werewolf scare of the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries—a situation which was in turn made worse by the making of the movie Le Pacte Des Loups or Brotherhood of the Wolf in English, so you can blame Cinnabon for that fiasco. The final mark against Cinnabon in France was when Marie Antoinette said of the commoners, "If they have no bread, then let them eat Cinnabons!" ("Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)!") As a result of Cinnabon's less-than-favorable legacy in France, Americans today are legally subject to the death penalty for being stupid enough to ask French bakers "Do you have any fresh ones?" or "Are these fresh?" It is estimated every American in France dies each day in this manner.
False advertising regulations eventually caught up with Cinnabon who needed to back up the words "Fresh baked all day" with product baked in this geological era, specifically the current day of the current geological era, so the company's leaders met around a table at Starbucks to decide how to stick it to the customer anyway. It was eventually decided that some fresh Cinnabons would have to be made each day and some of these would even have to make it into the hands of consumers while still fresh. Wanting to limit the number of customers who could obtain their equally limited number of Cinnabons actually baked fresh, it was decided that a system would be developed by which the average person unconcerned with whether or not he was getting enough for his hard earned money would be given any old Cinnabon that didn't currently have a rodent hanging out of it but customers who know to ask "Do you have any fresh ones?" or "Are these fresh?" would be taken into the back and treated to Cinnabons baked within the last few minutes and in many cases would receive sexual gratification from attractive young employees hired just for this purpose.
Products[edit | edit source]
Foods[edit | edit source]
- Cinnabon Ancients - the original Cinnabon roll baked in the Mesozoic era, given to customers not smart enough to ask "Do you have any fresh ones?" or "Are these fresh?"
- A Cinnabon With Caramel and Nuts on It - called a Caramel Pecanbon by anyone with intelligence enough to read the menu.
- Minibon - probably a "mini" version of a "bon" (bun) if I had to guess.
- Cinnabon Sticks - you don't even want to know.
Beverages[edit | edit source]
- Chillattas - when ordering Chicxulubs, you can order Mocha Chillattes, Caramel Chewbaccas, "Tropical Blast" Chinchillas, Capuccino Chichen Itzas, and Strawberry Banana Chupacabras. Forget trying to pronounce it; just point at the menu and the employees will figure it out.
- Coffeelattas - drinks that Americans believe to be redundantly called coffeecoffees, completely and blissfully aware of the meaning of the Italian word latte from which it has been coined.
- The sauce - You can actually order the syrup cinnamon sauce stuff in a cup. They don't tell you this, as it might lead to an addiction.
Express Packs[edit | edit source]
Express Packs are the worst of the worst products offered at Cinnabon. These are Cinnabon Ancients that were dropped on the floor and sold in packaged form with a wink and a nod as "a better value." You can still see dinosaur poop on some of them that the employees did not even bother brushing off.
Miscellaneous[edit | edit source]
Contempt for Idiots - Mmm, taste it bitch!
Look, some wild Cinnabons! ໑ඉමෙ๑១៚ᘞᘟᘠᘡᘝᘜᘎᘏᘐᘑᘒᘓ
