Benson's 4-D House Of Pancakes
“The universe as we know it wouldn't exist if not for the delicious mixed-fruit short stack at the 4-D BHOP.”
Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes (not to be confused with BENSON'S 3-D HOUSE OF PANCAKES) is a hypothetical structure that in modern physics serves as a model for the so-called "universal theorem" that unifies the 4 basic forces and explains time, space, and reality as we know it.
The 4-D BHOP was first proposed in 1999 by renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, and scientists generally agree that it is by far the best model for explaining the known universe. The House is a physical building that serves pancakes, and exists perpetually through all of time on the space-time continuum.
The House of Pancakes Hierarchy[edit | edit source]
Before studying Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes, one must first grasp the basics of the simpler constructs in the house of pancake hierarchy.
- Benson's 0-D House of Pancakes — This is a singularity in both space and time, representable only as a dot of infinitely small size. It is from this singularity that the universe began, expanding in the event commonly referred to as the Big Bang.
- Benson's 1-D House of Pancakes — In the first few microseconds of the universe, it expanded in only one direction, giving rise to the 1-D House of Pancakes. The cause of this initial expansion is attributed to a "supernatural" entity, referred to as "Benson" in the theory, as to be politically correct and avoid any controversy by using the term "God" or the specific name of any other deity. Spectral analysis of the early universe suggests that already at this stage the one dimensional line consisted of segments of various colors, ranging from blue (for blueberry pancakes) to red (strawberry pancakes).
- Benson's 2-D House of Pancakes — When the newborn universe cooled and subatomic particles begin to bond and form atoms, the 2-D House of Pancakes formed to keep the universe from collapsing back onto itself. Though primitive by modern standards, the venue served short stacks and even provided customers with maple syrup. Much like stars, however, flavored pancakes were still a long way away.
- BENSON'S 3-D HOUSE OF PANCAKES — Because humans inhabit and experience a 3-dimensional world, this particular House of Pancakes is the only one actually visible to us. It manifests itself in the form of a forum, in which Benson Himself and his followers talk with the world. Benson must communicate via the forum, because if one were to see Him in person, the unfathomable experience would kill them on sight. For a yet inexplicable reason, each time one tries to write the name of BENSON'S 3-D HOUSE OF PANCAKES, it comes out written in all capital letters.
- Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes — The "real" House of Pancakes, as it exists through all of time and space. Other sections in this article discuss more intricate details of this construct.
- Higher dimensional houses of pancakes — Physicists generally agree that the 4-D House of Pancakes is the ultimate one and that no higher dimensions exist. While other theories about the basic structure of the universe, such as the string theory, require a ridiculous amount of dimensions (up to 11), with the Benson House of Pancakes theory, only 4 are required. This of course is the most logical since it matches the dimensions in the observable universe.
- Benson's 12-D House of Pancakes — Physicians declare this impossible, but maybe someday the true ultimate, unobservable pancake house will exist. In fact, you might live in one, but you wouldn't know it because you can't see it. There is no true way to get to it. It is a pipe dream created by a coalition of scientists, including your mom (Now you know where she gets all of those gucci bags.) They call it 'The Impossible Pancake Ultratimate Triple-tuba Amazing Wow Wow Kitty Smash Hulk Frog Place of Residence of The Holy Insane Bat Fucks.
4-Dimensional existence[edit | edit source]
Since Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes exists in 4 dimensions, it is difficult for a human to comprehend its nature. The House occupies not only physical space, but also time — in fact, all of time. If one were to be inside the House of Pancakes, they would observe the universe as a static entity, and be able to see it all from its beginning to a hypothetical end. Exiting the House would place one in an essentially random location in the space-time continuum. By the Heisenberg principle, simply calculating where one would theoretically exit would cause the destination to change. Leading astrophysicists, however, conjecture that exiting through the door will take one to the past, while exiting through a window will take one to the future (relative to the date one first entered the House).
3-Dimensional structure[edit | edit source]
One can analyze in more detail the 3-dimensional aspects of Benson's 4-D House Of Pancakes (ignoring the time dimension). Such an analysis can be compared to looking at a flat picture of a 3-dimensional object. Studies of the universe's background microwave radiation have lead researchers to a remarkably detailed description of the interior of the House of Pancakes. It is by far the most sophisticated restaurant in existence. The House features over 50 tables, seating from 2 to 20 people each. The chairs are made from gold, the tables themselves from silver, and the utensils from platinum.
The dining hall is divided into a smoking and a non-smoking section. The kitchen features state-of-the-art equipment, including George Foreman grills, and an oven once used by Emeril himself. The unique collection of posters and memorabilia on the walls are what keeps the universe together. As Dr. Hawking stated in a recent publication, "If the picture of the local football team hanging by table 8 were moved over even by an inch to the left, the entire universe would be reduced to a gassy ball of hydrogen. Conversely, if it were moved by an inch to the right, Earth would become a frozen ball of ice."
The infrastructural elements of the House of Pancakes are an engineering marvel. Behind the blue-colored walls lies a sophisticated network of air ducts, electrical cables, water pipes, and flux capacitors. The magnetic resonance of the structure is responsible for the existence of gravity.
The Menu[edit | edit source]
Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes features dishes so delicious, that a mortal human tasting any one of them would immediately die from pleasure and go to heaven. This is because each item is a symbolic and physical manifestation of all positive feelings that can be experienced by people. For instance, the blueberry pancakes are the essence of compassion, while the strawberry ones are pure love. There are non-pancake items on the menu as well, representing more abstract ideas. The half-priced bucket of fried chicken for example, imparts wisdom, and the grilled cheese sandwich is a manifestation of creativity. Prices can be unpredictable, depending on what year in the timeline one happens to enter the 4-D House. Visitors are encouraged to take advantage of discount Sunday brunches. Each meal is personally prepared by Benson in all his glory.
History of Discovery[edit | edit source]
While even the ancient Greeks knew of the 3-D House of Pancakes, they had little idea that it was related to the fundamental nature of the universe itself. The medieval astronomer Johannes Kepler is likely the first to have inferred the existence of the 4D House, correctly deducing that its presence is what causes planets to have elliptical instead of circular orbits. However, it wasn't until Albert Einstein developed his theory of special relativity that the necessity for the existence of such a structure became evident. Einstein got only as far as determining that "a dining establishment that serves round, flattened food" could function to unify the four basic forces of the universe, but the exact nature of this phenomenon eluded him his whole life. Legend has it that with his dying breath, Einstein said "pancakes!" Finally, in 1999, the brilliant Stephen Hawking formulated his now famous theory and coined the term "Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes." The next year he was awarded the Nobel Prize in physics for his groundbreaking discovery. The theory is now universally accepted and taught in schools worldwide.
