Jollibee
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Jollibee is a high-order, globally-spread arthropod belonging in the fastus foodus kingdom. As a member of the fastus foodus kingdom, the Jollibee employs the use of highly addictive foods to lure it's prey, humans, into its den; slowly tenderising them. The Jollibee is also one of the only species known to require a valid credit card before hunting.
JolliHistory[edit | edit source]
The Jollibee was born when Tony Tan was trying to make a bee to work at his ice cream parlour. Tony Tan choose to employ a bee primarily because no Filipino laws explicitly stated you had to pay minimum wage to a bee saving hundreds on labour cost.
Alongside selling ice cream, The Jollibee also sold fried chicken which turned out to be more popular than the ice cream leading Jollibee to go all in on fried chicken. This turned out to be for the better, attracting almost the entire Filipino population to it's hive.
After years of being the dominant fastus foodus arthropod on the Philippines, another creature, the McDonald's clown Homo Sapius Ronaldus came to challenge the Jollibee.
JolliProducts[edit | edit source]
The Jollibee excels in inventing innovative ways to lure more prey into their store, called "JolliProducts". The JolliProducts have a noticeably stronger effect on American prey compared to Filipino prey.
- Chickenboy
- Chickenboy is one of Jollibee's earliest and most effective JolliProducts. Chickenboy contains concerningly high amounts of cholesterol, which makes the prey develop an addiction and slowly kills it. The nomenclature of Chickenboy has been under some controversy; leading some to believe Chickenboy contains male human remains. While not officially confirmed, Chickenboy is rumoured to contain 7% human remains.
- Yumburger
- The Yumburger was introduced to Jollibee's arsenal to appeal to the American market. Contrary to its name, the Yumburger is noted for not being "yum" at all and is sometimes nicknamed "Yuckburger". The negative reviews of the Yumburger are mainly attributed to it containing mayonnaise, which customers claim is "illegal".
- Palabok Fiesta
- Palabok Fiesta is Jollibee's interpretation of the classic Filipino noodle dish. It is comprised of garlic sauce, sautéed pork, shrimp and egg. While Jollibee claims it is as good as it sounds, it is noted for sounding like a sketchy Chinese RAM dealer and being nauseating.
In addition to serving less-than-appealing food, Jollibee also caters to kids and adults (mainly kids; there is almost no reason for adults to be there) with children's play zones.
JolliMascots[edit | edit source]
Jollibee is also accompanied by his bitches, some of them the following:
- Yum -
- Hetty -
- Popo - sports-minded jerk who likes to trannies.
- Twirlie - a performer who likes sperm all over her sundaes.
- Charles Gamboa- the forgotten mascot who endorsed the cocaine-filled "Chickenjoy isa pa isa pa isa pang titijoy." He introduced the hit dance craze...
JolliRivalry with McDonalds[edit | edit source]
