The senate of the Philippines

The senate of the Philippines

His Excellency Ferdinand Edralin Marcos has issued Proclamation 1081: This article is now under Martial Law. Only registered users of The Kilusang Bagong Lipunan can edit this article because some of you fucktards don't know the difference between SATIRE and SHIT!

The Senate of the Philippines is a political institute dedicated to upholding the interests of the kleptocracy and the theocracy of the Philippines. It consists of 24 senators, who are democratically elected, buy votes, every 6 years.
Since the Philippines is, allegedly, a democracy the senate is one of the few examples where it is shown to be possible to have Turkeys vote for Christmas, if sufficient levels of stupidity are rigorously maintained. The only other well known example is, obviously, the movement LGBTQ+ for Islamic Terrorists.

“ do not ask what you can do for your country. Ask what your country can do for you already ”

~ Francis "Chiz" G. Escudero on unofficial motto of the senate

Mandate

The mandate of the senate is to enact laws, enunciate national policies, and represent the interests of the Filipino people. It also plays a crucial role in treaty concurrence, impeachment trials, and ensuring the rule of law. It hopes to get round this any century now. As soon as more pressing matters are dealt with.

Actual Role

Mascot of the Fionistas

What the senators actually get up to is very closely aligned with what is good for the senators. This varies from offering a platform to grandstand for presidential hopefuls to almost unlimited potential for graft and corruption. More recently it has also played an important part in the power struggle between the Northern Royal Family and the Southern Royal Family. The senate currently overwhelmingly sides with the Fionistas. The senate has played a crucial role in ensuring the Philippines drop in almost any prosperity and progress rank possible in ASEAN over the last 40 years. It has professed its desire to exceed the damage done by King Ferdinand I within the next decade and is keen to undertake Cambodia soon.

One of the senates proudest achievement

Current Senators

The senate building just before an important vote

Qualification for membership of the senate is only open to people with a background in juggling, organized crime or aristocrats. Occasionally a billionaire gets in because they are mistaken for an aristocrat. The 20th senate is unique because it contains two elected senators with possibly valid work experience. Fortunately both are colossal assholes, so the experiment is not likely to be repeated.
It is also a requirement for election that the wannabe senator professes a strong belief in late bronze age mythology and the resulting right of old men in dresses to keep the population stupid and obedient. Any flavor of crucified skywizzardism is allowed, there are currently no members who worship the horny skywizzard.

Group photo of the current main characters in the Filipino Senate

current senators

Name	Fionista	Qualification for membership	Free and Fair elections A	Fair trial B	Prosperity C	Women's rights D	Tolerance E	Individual Liberty F	Transparency G
Jinggoy Ejercito Estrada & Joseph Victor "JV" G. Ejercito	Y	Juggler	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Supports	Opposed	Supports	Supports
Alan Peter S. Cayetano & Pia S. Cayetano	Y	Aristocrat	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Supports	Supports	Opposed	Opposed
Raffy T. Tulfo & Erwin Teshiba Tulfo	Y	Juggler	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Supports	Supports	Opposed	Opposed
Cynthia A. Villar & Mark A. Villar	Y	Aristocrat	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Supports
Francis "Chiz" G. Escudero	Y	Aristocrat	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed
Maria Lourdes Nancy S. Binay	N	Aristocrat	Opposed	Supports	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed
Bam Aquino	N	Aristocrat	Opposed	Supports	Opposed	Supports	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed
Ronald dela Rosa	Y	Civil Servant	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	A little bit	Opposed
Win Gatchalian	N	Billionaire	Opposed	Supports	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Supports
Bong Go	Y	Organized Crime	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Supports	Opposed	A little bit	Opposed
Risa Hontiveros	N	Aristocrat	Opposed	Supports	Supports	Supports	Supports	Opposed	Opposed
Panfilo Lacson	Y	Civil Service	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed
Lito Lapid	Y	Juggler	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Supports
Loren Legarda	Y	Juggler	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed
Rodante Marcoleta	Y	Organized Crime	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed
Imee Marcos	Y	Aristocrat	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Supports	Supports	Opposed	Opposed
Robin Padilla	Y	Juggler	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Supports	Supports	A little bit	Opposed
Francis Pangilinan	N	Juggler	Opposed	Supports	Opposed	Supports	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed
Tito Sotto	Y	Juggler	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed
Joel Villanueva	Y	Juggler	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed
Migz Zubiri	Y	Juggler	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed	Opposed

Notes:

• A: based on documented opposition against INC block voting
• B: based on support for the murderous Duterte regime, strong correlation with the Fionistas
• C: based on documented support for reproductive rights
• D: based on documented support for divorce
• E: based on documented support for LGTBQ+ and marriage equality
• F: based on documented support for legalizing soft drugs
• G: based on documented support for digital payments

Future Senators

Apart from the many as yet to be born, Villars, Aquinos and Marcosses, the future may hold a few surprises. it is widely believed that Alice Guo will run for senate with her onlyfans page as a guaranteed vote magnet for the many repressed middle aged Pinoy men who dream wet about Phil Chi women. Some believe that Guo is already hiding in the senate using the body of Imee Marcos which was transplanted using advanced Chinese AI and robotics. Senator Marcos responded to questions about the alleged body transfer with a curt "I'll get back to you".

Also possible is an alleged high profile bid by a foreigner. Jared Kushner, the world's most corrupt non muslim, non African, is rumored to be interested in running for the Pinoy Senate in the next round. When asked if his lack of Filipino nationality wasn't a problem he responded, 'look at the Tulfo's. It is not a problem for them. At least I'm not a bigamist.'

Foreign Relations

The Filipino senate has the unique distinction of having been turned down by Qatar when offered an opportunity to buy votes in the senate. The Qatari foreign minister observed that they already controlled enough Qataris and didn't need any more. This is the only documented case where Qatar declined an opportunity to bribe an official.
Donald Trump has been known to express disbelief at the level of corruption in the Filipino senate and kept his distance.

“ it is all a bit much ”

~ Donald Trump on corruption in the Pinoy senate

China is wrongly believed to be a treat to the sovereignty of the Philippines. When asked if China was interested in liberating the oppressed peasants from their feudal overlords Xi Jinping answered "Fuck no! Do you not know how difficult it is to turn these Skywizzard yokels into productive citizens?".
Scholars of political theory often use the Philippines in general and the senate in particular as proof that some peoples are better off under colonial rule than under elected officials. The Filipinos deny this and will vigurously defend their right to take bribes to vote for people who want to actively harm their children.

“ I would much rather have my children life in poverty, superstition, paranoia controlled by priests and barangay captains then in a modern tolerant social democracy already ”

— Jejomar Already, on independence

Future Outlook

Extrapolated trends of inequality, poverty, unemployment, education, demographics and sky daddy worship point to a bloody socialist revolution happening in the Philippines in the next couple of years. The fate of the reigning senators is almost certainly going to be a conviction to a lengthy sentence of OFW in Kuwait, with the worst offenders sent to Lebanon.