Renaldo Lapuz

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Are you sure you are not looking for William Hung?
You were probably searching for talent. Sorry, check elsewhere.

Renaldo Lapuz
Origin Philippines (don't act surprised asshole)
Occupation Your Brother, Your Best Friend Forever
Sexually Active? No
Title(s) Messiah, Greatest Pimp, Jesus' Brother, Simon's Best Friend Forever
Secret Weapons The Immaculate White Pimp Suit, The Shiny White Platform Boots Undercover Brother would kill for, His kickass singing talent
I am your brooootherrrr, your best friend forevverrr!!! Zinging da zongs, da miyuzik dat you liiiiiiiiiiiii....whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Renaldo Lapuz on his brother


Simon Cowell on Renaldo Lapuz

You are a great perzon Zymon Kawel, I love you!

Renaldo Lapuz on Simon Cowell

Renaldo Lapuz is the greatest, meanest, baddest motherfucking pimp that ever lived. He's so badass, he faced Simon Cowell head on and annoyed the living shit out of him by singing a bad assed motherfucking song about his brother. After Simon Cowell dissed his undeniable talent and great fashion sense, instead of bitch slapping the gay Brit, he turned the other cheek and gave Simon the love that Simon's parents never gave him - just like what Jesus did to the Jews.[1]

God was so impressed, he adopted Renaldo as his own son so that Jesus will have a brother as well as a best friend forever, and together they sang the music that they liked.


Origins[edit | edit source]

Cloverfield producer J.J. Abrams described Renaldo Lapuz as a "baby" who has been underwater for thousands of years that emerges "confused, disoriented, and irritable; immature and suffering from 'separation anxiety'". He compared Renaldo to a rampaging elephant, saying "there's nothing scarier than something in a White Pimp Suit that's spooked". Abrams described Renaldo's reaction to its surroundings, "It’s this new environment that it finds frightening."

Although "just a baby," Renaldo has a high resistance to projectile weaponry. Shells from M-1 Abrams, AT4 rockets, missiles from F/A-18s, MLRS and Mk 82 bombs from a B-2 Bomber, even Simon Cowell's witty but gay insults failed to do any long term damage to it.[2]

Abrams pointed out that Renaldo carries smaller parasites in his Silver Pimp cape which it sheds as part of a 'post-birth ritual'. The parasites are described as "horrifying, dog-sized creatures that just scatter around the city and add to the nightmare of the evening." Abrams added, "The parasites have a voracious, rabid, bounding nature, but they also have a crab-like crawl. They have the viciousness of a dog, but with the ability to climb walls and stick to objects."

Prior to the American Idol audition, Renaldo Lapuz decapitated the Statue of Liberty and destroyed the whole of Manhattan. And yes, Rob had sex with Beth.

Singing Career[edit | edit source]

What singing career?[3]

How to be like Renaldo Lapuz[edit | edit source]

Related Article: Divine Retribution

Here's a quick guide on elevating yourself to a godlike status just like Renaldo did. It's as simple as making a dick in a box [1].

  • Put on a White Pimp Suit.[4]
  • Put on a pair of White Plastic Elevator Boots.
  • Audition for American Idol.
  • Spread the love to the American Idol Judges, especially Simon Cowell. On the other hand, forget about the other two judges - Paula is a stupid drunk chick 24/7 and Randy is just a token black guy.
  • Fuck Simon Cowell in the ass.

Do this five simple steps and Jesus will be very pleased. You'll be canonized by the current ex-Nazi Pope in no time.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. Simon Cowell - Gaytard.
  2. - The only weapons on earth that can harm Renaldo
  3. Do you really have to click and check the reference for Renaldo's singing career? You stupid fuck!
  4. Snoop Dogg - Fo Shizzle.

See Also[edit | edit source]